More to Me

a new home

2009-11-27T12:17:00.004Z

I have moved ~

Please come and see me where I am Creating Wings!

Creating Wings

2009-10-06T08:06:00.004+01:00

“The world is what you think it is.” – Serge Kahili King

It's a big day! I am thrilled to announce that Jamie Ridler is featuring me on her podcast: Creative Living with Jamie today! It was such a treat to get to talk to her, and I was really honoured to be included. Thank you Jamie!

AND....

My new site is live! I'm so excited about it! It's been a real labour of love, but it is finally real. There are a few pages that don't have very much on them, but you can be assured that I will soon fill them with as much inspiration as I can get in there. It's called Creating Wings. Please come over and take a peek!

Happy Anniversary

2009-10-04T08:50:00.004+01:00

"I felt it shelter to speak to you." - Emily Dickinson

A year ago today we got married under a canopy of trees. The party was blissful chaos, the ladies wore hats, we were surrounded by love, we ate ice cream even though we could see our breath, and it was the very best day of my life.

There are some times that I take what I have for granted, and occasionally I forget how truly blessed I am. But those are more than made up for by the moments when I sit in the middle of my life and realize that I have the most wonderful family in the world, and now a big part of that family is my husband. (Yes, it is still weird to say!) Happy Anniversary my love, thank you for saying 'I do!'

xo

September 30.

2009-09-30T07:21:00.004+01:00

“One evening a Cherokee elder told his grandson about the battle that goes on inside of people. He said, “My son, the battle is between the two ‘wolves’ that live inside us all. One is Unhappiness. It is fear, worry, anger, jealousy, sorrow, self-pity, resentment, and inferiority. The other is Happiness. It is joy, love, hope, serenity, kindness, generosity, truth, and compassion.”
The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather, “Which wolf wins?”
The old Cherokee simply replied, “The one you feed.”
~ Marci Shimoff from Happy for No Reason

This morning I am up early to work on my new website, and I have gotten so wrapped up in it that I am likely going to be late for work. But today, I don't care. It's a big day for me. Today is the last day of September. October, my birth month, is just around the corner. On the 25th I will turn 35. This weekend I am hoping to launch a brand new website focused on... well... you'll see!!

So that is where I am. I'm feeling like a huge door is opening in front of me, getting ready for this next step. Today I am going to walk to work through the beautiful crisp autumn air. I am going to breathe deep and enjoy the world around me. I've been feeling incredibly connected lately, but I think it is simply because I have been paying attention. So I hope to enjoy this last day of September even with my swirling brain. I'll see you again this weekend!

xo

Nothing

2009-09-28T19:36:00.003+01:00

"The effect of the Joy Diet is to shine a light into our hiding places, allowing us to see and remember ourselves and our reasons for being." - Martha Beck

(Hello there! I am sorry I have been away for so long. I've been told my blog over the past few weeks was boring - giggle - I know it's boring to come and see the same old post, but all I can say is that I promise to make it up to you very very soon.)

I've been meaning to begin Jamie's new book group ever since last week. The trouble is that the book is The Joy Diet by Martha Beck and the first thing that you have to embrace is nothing. That's right, you have to do nothing for a few minutes every day. It sounds so easy to type it here, but it has been so hard.

I tried to get up early and do nothing in the morning. But it turns out nothing + early morning + jet lag equals sleep. I tried to do nothing when I got home from work - but there was always something! Then, without actually meaning to on Friday morning (a full week after I should have been doing it every day) I did it. I woke up on my day off and didn't immediately get up. I realized that nothing is something I actually do once in a awhile already, but I have always called it filing. When I have been really busy, sometimes I find myself lying in bed and just thinking. I can almost hear the files slipping into place in my brain as I make sense of what has been going on in my world.

So it turns out that I shouldn't have tried to do nothing, I should have just done it because I already know how to do it. And now I just need to keep on doing nothing at least once a day.

Giggle. Maybe Truth will be easier.

Is all of this hoping healthy?

2009-09-03T18:09:00.004+01:00

"From the urgent way lovers want each other to the seeker's search for truth, all moving is from the mover. Every pull draws us to the ocean." -Rumi

I remember having a conversation once with a friend about wanting. I remember her saying that she sometimes wished that she could just be one of those people who was content. The word content gushed out of her mouth with equal amounts of desire and contempt. For her, content had somehow come to equal boring, but also freedom from the constant state of longing that had come to pervade her life.

I could relate then, and I can relate now. I am working at a job that could easily be a career, but I am hoping to get my book published and make a living from that. I am trying to love myself as is, while still trying to lose 40 pounds and make my body healthy and my self vibrant. I am happily married to a wonderful man, but a large part of my heart lives in a completely different country. At no point in my life do I ever sit down in my chair and look at my life and think, 'yes.' I always seem to have something to do to get me somewhere else. It is exhausting.

I have to wonder if I should just stop already. Should I just focus on the career and leave the big dreams of publication? Should I admit to myself that I am going to be heavy forever and forget my hopes of health? Should I ignore my hope that someday I am going to take care of orphaned baby elephants or do a book tour or run workshops for women, or be able to travel whenever and wherever I want to? Should I stop looking forward in my life and start living in it right now? Is it possible to do both?

Is all of this hoping healthy?

Writing advice from Sharon Olds

2009-08-29T08:35:00.004+01:00

"Would that we could write about ourselves." - Sharon Olds

Last night I dashed home from work so that I could make it to Bath. Susannah and I had tickets to see Sharon Olds read poetry, and I didn't want to be late. I need to give a full confession here and say that I don't read a lot of poetry. I can only read one or two at a time or I get too tired. But listening to poetry is a whole different thing. When poetry is written by someone who really loves it and read by that same person, listening to it can feel like a meditation.

She had us sitting in the palm of her hand from her first soft words. There were troubles with the microphone and she had to tie her hair back, commenting on how she had to lose her 'shawl.' Later when the microphones were sorted out, she pulled it free and told us that now she felt safe again. From that moment so did we. We knew that we were in the company of a real person, but one who was about to give us an incredible gift.

After she read some of her poetry she sat in discussion with one of the organizers. I couldn't get very much down, but here are a few of the things she said. When asked about why she draws in her letters she said, "The pen just wants to do different things." She also said that "We as humans have a need to write poems." But my favorite thing (and you'll have to excuse me as I can only give you the gist) was when she talked about her writing process.

She writes longhand in spiral-bound notebooks so that she doesn't get intimidated by beautiful blank books (there was a lot of laughing with recognition in the audience at this one.) She writes quickly, scribbling words out as she goes. She said, "I don't want to put a word in to hold the place of another word." She said that each word has a sound, and it calls other words with a similar sound to it. When you put a word in to hold the place of another word it makes the work into something, and if you go back and change the word to the one you actually want, the whole thing goes wrong.

I needed to savour that a little this morning - that each word has a sound that calls another word to it - and think about it in relation to my own writing, and indeed the way that I think. Not allowing a word in that isn't drawing its like to you and your work is a very powerful decision.

Thank you so much Ms. Olds. You have inspired me enormously.

I guess this means go.

2009-08-27T20:48:00.004+01:00

SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): What life will you be living at noon on September 1, 2014? Who will you be? How thoroughly will your dreams have come true? What kind of beauty and truth and love and justice will you be serving? Will you look back at the time between August 27 and September 21, 2009 and sigh, "If only I had initiated my Five Year Master Plan at that ripe astrological moment"? Or on September 1, 2014 will you instead be able to crow, "I can truly say that in these past five years I have become the president of my own life"?

- Rob Brezsny

My alter-ego

2009-08-23T22:12:00.004+01:00

"A woman must find her own voice." - Maureen Murdock

If you were to meet me on the street, you would see one version of me. I would probably be wearing jeans and a fleece or a sweater or a t-shirt. I'd be dressed practically and sensibly and ordinarily. You might be able to see from the sparkle in my eyes or the book I was carrying that there was more to me. You might not.

What you wouldn't see is this crazy alter-ego that has begun asking for a voice. You wouldn't see the me that used to scoff at pink who is now looking at pretty floaty dresses on line. You wouldn't notice that I have a secret desire to own red sequined heels (or converse!) And you definitely wouldn't see that I sometimes debate buying rock chick t-shirts and biker boots.

Has anyone else found themselves growing up and growing sideways at the same time?

Shall we have an alter-ego party? I'll host.

Fantasy Dinner Party

2009-08-17T20:48:00.004+01:00

"Who would you invite to your fantasy dinner party?" - just about everyone

This is the prompt at Sunday Scribblings this week. Even though I am the co-host, I don't usually do the writing. It's too much pressure to get around and see everyone. For some reason, this felt like something fun to do this time. So... who would I invite to a fantasy dinner party?

I suppose it depends on what you want. Imagine having dinner with a load of true comedians - the Pythons, John Candy, Billy Connolly, Peter Kay, etc. Or you could have a serious meal with interesting women. Wouldn't it be nice to find out what it was really like from Marie Antoinette, Amelia Earhart, Frieda Kahlo, Emily Carr, Katharine Hepburn or Anne Boleyn? Another good one would be a table full of Hollywood Stars. Imagine dining with Marilyn Monroe, Judy Garland, Fred Astaire, Jimmy Stewart, Humphrey Bogart, Greta Garbo and Cary Grant! I would also love to share a meal with several generations of my family. As for writers and artists - oh heaven's, there are dozens, living and dead that I would do anything to spend some time with!

But, dear readers, at this stage of my life, on this night, I have an entirely different dinner party in mind. (Note: Dear Universe, consider this a cosmic order!) The dinner party I would most love to host would be: Clarissa Pinkola Estes, Natalie Goldberg, Mary Oliver, Joni Mitchell, Annie Leibovitz, and Christina Baldwin. Imagine the discussions we could get into about creative process, beauty, and passion. I have goosebumps just thinking about it! (What would I serve? I'd get it bloody catered - I wouldn't want to miss a thing!)

Please, universe?! Please?!

xo

The Vision According to Toast

2009-08-05T09:31:00.003+01:00

"If you want to be happy, set a goal that commands your thoughts, liberates your energy, and inspires your hopes." - Andrew Carnegie

After several years of cutting pictures out of magazines, collecting images, reading self-help books, perusing catalogues and creating vision boards, I thought I had enough shots to make a proper This-is-What-I-Want board. Then the BBC* came over, bringing with them a NEW pile of magazines and catalogues and in the space of one afternoon I had it. My vision. And it all (except the word *giggle*) came from the same place: Toast.

Boy do they get it, those Toast photographers and stylists. They tapped right into my psyche (and lots of other psyches at the same table!) They know what I want. I just want to be happy.

So what do I want to create in my life? Freedom, Creativity, Abundance, Serenity, and Health, with a little Laughter thrown in. Doesn't that sound good?

Sigh.

Yes.

(For more Dream Boards, go here!)

How to Make a Vision Board

2009-08-03T13:29:00.005+01:00

"If you have trouble seeing your goals, use pictures, images, and symbols you collect to keep your conscious and subconscious mind focused on your goals." - Jack Canfield

What you need to create a successful vision board:

1. Do not be in a hurry. It takes great patience to go through piles and piles of magazines!
2. A huge pile of magazines.
3. Scissors, endless cups of tea and a glue stick or two.
4. Clarity. It's no good just cutting out pictures of the things you want. You need to know what you expect those things to bring you. The funny thing is when you boil everything you ever want down to its essence, all any of us really want is to be happy. Deliriously, gently, deeply, lastingly happy. So get really clear. What does happy look like for you?

What do you want to create in your life?

5. Time. Cut out pictures, words and phrases that you like and then leave them for awhile. Come back to them and sift through the pile. Take some away. Go away again. Find another magazine and cut it up. Send away for catalogues. Look at the pictures: would that be what happiness looked like to you? Make collages of things that you want and live with them for awhile. (Like vision boards in training!)
6. When you have some pictures that you know are just right, start making your vision board. Play with it. Enjoy it.
7. When it is finished, put it somewhere where you can see it every day.
8. Practice paying attention. Be aware of appreciation. Be grateful. (...and keep clipping things out! Sometimes all you need is one picture for the a-ha moment!)
9. Repeat as necessary.

(I'll show you mine if you show me yours!)

For more vision board inspiration: Jamie hosts a monthly dream board session, and to take it a step further, Jennifer Lee has an amazing kit to help you with your vision.

Brit. Bloggers

2009-08-02T16:39:00.008+01:00

"There are things you do because they feel right & they make no sense & they may make no money & it may be the real reason we are here: to love each other & to eat each other's cooking & say it was good." - Brian Andreas

At 11:20am they began to appear at my garden gate. Laughing, talking, carrying bags of food, piles of magazines, and dressed like summer, they soon filled my little house. I have been off sick for over a week now, and they were all just what the Dr. ordered!

Something wonderful happens when bloggers meet, and when bloggers meet that have met before it is magic! We eased back into conversation like we had seen each other yesterday, dancing between topics as big as our dreams and as normal as shopping. We laughed, took hundreds of pictures, talked about toast catalogues, love, life and began unfolding our life visions.

I have lots more to say about them. I want to tell you how truly beautiful (inside and out) Penny is in real life, and how Susannah sparkles and fills the room with her energy. I would like to tell you how Leonie shines from somewhere deep inside, how Jo is one of the wisest fiercest women I've ever met, and that Emma makes me feel like anything I want to do is possible. But I am sleepy now. I have to do the dishes, clean up bits of magazines from the floor and smell the roses that once lived in Emma's garden.

It was a good day.

Light Dawns...

2009-07-26T12:46:00.004+01:00

"It's time to start living the life you've imagined." - Henry James

At some point in the past, my monkey-brain set out a list of rules and regulations for me. Despite numerous attempts to change, I have been frustrated over and over again when I slipped back into old ways of being. I had tried to change the tapes, why was the song always the same?

Yesterday I realized that it is not the tapes I was aware of that are the problem. I was blessed with an unexpected whole day of solitary confinement (quarantined for possible Swine Flu) and spent it sorting out my office. In the reorganization, I came across two things. One was the folder I had put together shortly after reading The Success Principles, and the other was a mass of composting pages covered in inspiration.

My copy of The Success Principles is dog-eared and fiercely underlined. I really believed as I read it that I would do it - and then I didn't. Disappointment with myself always sets me back. At the time I couldn't figure out what was wrong with me - why couldn't I just do what I knew needed doing to get where I wanted to be? Why do I never follow through with a plan? Obviously I am just lazy.

My pile of inspiration is also dog-eared and underlined. Some sheets are nearly transparent from being folded and unfolded so many times. Notes from workshops, quotes, e-mail, e-books, affirmations and motivations all come to the top of the pile every time I clean, and then just go right back into the pile. Even as I sat on the floor and sorted, the folder went on one side of me and the inspiration went on the other.

That's when light dawned. For some reason all of this time I have believed that the business-focused-driven parts of myself couldn't co-exist with the inspirational, magical side. As I sat there I realized that I did not value or even acknowledge all of the parts of myself. I realized that I can't focus on hard-nosed, serious goals. I am not that person, no matter how much I would like to be. It does not mean that I am lazy. It means that I am different, and I need to do things in a way that works for me.

So I created a folder that encompasses all of who I am on this path. I have a space for goals and a space for inspiration. I have created an ultimate goal and using all of my inspirational tools, I can create smaller, meaningful and do-able goals to create happiness in my life. The upside of it all is that after years of trying to write a mission statement, one came to me loud and clear and simple the minute I had finished putting it all together (I'm not going to tell you yet!)

So it seems that my monkey-brain was right all along. I was doing it wrong, but it was because I wasn't working with all that I am. Hopefully now that I've got it all working under the same cover, it'll be a book worth writing in.

P.S. The photograph of me was taken by Susannah. I like the determination she captured!

Impossible Things

2009-07-25T19:28:00.003+01:00

"...sometimes I have believed as many as six impossible things before breakfast." - Lewis Carroll

If you asked me ten years ago what my dreams were, I wouldn't have been able to tell you. One reason was that I was afraid to say anything out loud just in case I 'jinxed' it. I also was afraid of wanting something too badly and not getting it, or of getting it and realizing that it wasn't as exciting or as wonderful as I hoped it would be.

If you asked me at any given point in the last five years what my dreams were, I still would not have been able to tell you. Oh, I've had goals and hopes and wishy-washy ideas about what I wanted. I have journal after journal filled with proclamations of, 'This is it! This time I...' But fuzzy, watery decisions to lose weight or get published do not translate into concrete actions.

The irony is that the things that I have really wanted - and worked for - have come to pass, often without me realizing until it was over. When I am specific and do my bit, it happens. Often I think afterwards that I wish I had just been a little bit more clear about the details, because I did get what I asked for. More than once lately I have wished that I'd remembered what I was doing and asked for more! But then I realize that if I'd asked for more I might not have believed it - and it might not have ever happened.

Impossible things. Why is it easy for us to allow some things and impossible for us to allow others? Where do the blocks come from? SARK writes that impossible means, "I'm possible." I think I am going to adopt that as my affirmation this week. Whenever I feel myself doubting the potential in something I want or something I am doing, I am going to say, "I'm possible!" I have no doubt in the Universe, but all kinds of doubts in me. Hopefully by reminding myself that I AM possible and that I am powerful, I will begin to be able to ask for and expect the very best.

Believe as many as six impossible things before breakfast! Roar!

xo

'Would you tell me, please, which way I ought to go from here?'

'That depends a good deal on where you want to get to,' said the Cat.

'I don't much care where -' said Alice.

'Then it doesn't much matter which way you go,' said the Cat.

-Lewis Carroll

arms wide open.

2009-07-18T12:52:00.004+01:00

"Don't look at the ground! The ground hasn't changed since the last time you looked at it." - Biggest loser UK

I have been here less because I am working on three projects. One of those is a brand new website that is all mine! I'm designing the header at the moment and part of that has been scouring the creative commons at Flickr and istock photo for inspiration. Late late at night in a fit of
desperation, I typed in 'spiritual' as part of a search.

Imagine my delight when image after image came up of people with their arms flung open wide in joy. In amongst the more anticipated photographs of religious icons and images, people stood with their arms flung wide in surrender and celebration.

Intrigued, I checked iphoto to see whether or not I had a picture there of that feeling - and I did! I was alone when I took this shot, but I remember wanting to capture the feelings of beauty and expansion and gratitude that I was feeling in that moment on a walk home. That is a picture of joy. And flung-open arms, it seems, is a common way to show that feeling.

So what about you? When was the last time that you felt compelled to fling open your arms to embrace the space you were in? When was the last time you expressed that much joy? Do you have a picture in your archives of someone with their arms out like that? Is it you? I'd love to see that shot. I'd like to know you've felt that way too!

"Maybe in time, you will find, your arms are wrapped around the sun." - Deb Talan (Big Strong Girl)

practically a fruit bat!

2009-07-16T20:33:00.004+01:00

"You were made and set here to give voice to this, your own astonishment." - Annie Dillard

Before I was diagnosed as a coeliac, I had a lot of trouble with food. Dairy, wheat, peppers and peanuts are all quite tricky things to not be able to eat, but I dealt with it. The hardest thing for me to avoid was fresh fruit. If it was fresh and raw, it was not my friend.

Two days after my official diagnoses we packed up and went on vacation to Grenada. I had no idea that I would be able to eat fruit when I stopped eating gluten, but about four days into the trip I started to crave fruit. I started small, dipping into the papaya and watermelon at breakfast. When that went well, I made Mark's Dad pull over at a roadside stand and we bought an enormous bag of passion fruit. That night we had fresh mango covered in fresh passion fruit, and I have never looked back.

So this is the first summer in a very long time that I have been able to enjoy fruit. I've been eating every berry I can get my fingers on - sometimes twice a day - and I have been loving it! I can't get enough. The riper, the drippier the better!

Tonight as I type with fingers sticky from the juice of my first nectarine in years, I would like to wish you the simple wonderful delights of a bowl of your favorite fresh fruit. If I could have you here to enjoy it with me, I would.

Mmmm... I wonder if there are any cherries left in the fridge...

xo

Jamie Ridler Studios

2009-07-08T06:57:00.002+01:00

"This is the leap, when you’re ready to share your gifts with the world, to take the risk and say, “Here. Here is who I am. Here is what I’ve created.” It’s a bold time, a brave time, a time full of risk and of joy. This is when you embrace the deepest truth of who you are and step fully into what you want to bring to this world." - Jamie Ridler

The first week I started blogging I was looking around for creative souls and people who I could connect with. I can't remember how I found Jamie's site. I think I found a comment that she had left for someone else and was charmed by her. When I went back to her blog I discovered that we had both started our blogs at the same time and that her site was as charming and inspiring as her comment had been.

I tentatively reached out, hoping that she would comment back, and an immediate connection was made. We have been friends ever since. (Friends who have never met in person - a situation I hope to remedy this fall!) I have been excited and proud to watch her create a life and a place that is true to who she is and what she wants to give to the world. Today she is taking that a step further and launching her new website!

I hope that you will pop over and meet her if you haven't before. You will soon see what I saw in her back then. She is a feisty, creative, magical inspiration.

Good luck, Jamie! I can't wait to see what you do next!!

xo

The power of music

2009-07-07T13:26:00.004+01:00

"Don't be shy, just let your feelings roll on by - And don't wear fear, or nobody will know you're there..." - Cat Stevens

Two weeks ago I went to see the band Take That in concert. I don't remember listening to them the first time that they were a big deal, but they have reformed and released some really wonderful songs. When I told people I was going, I had mixed reactions. It felt almost like a guilty pleasure to go. But 50,000 people had the same idea. It was a wonderful show. In this world that is filled with doom and gloom, four guys who put on a magical show complete with songs called 'Greatest Day' and 'Shine,' acrobats and a full sized elephant coming out of the ground and walking around are pretty special in my book. I got goosebumps. In fact, I remembered something. I remembered how much I had been missing magic. (Thanks guys for reminding me!)

The next day I took my little ipod with me on my way to work. I listened to 'Greatest Day' over and over and over (am I the only one who does this?) until my soul was singing along again. Then I let the ipod play me what it thought I needed. It is usually bang on. (Note: as I typed this my computer is on shuffle and it just started playing 'Greatest Day!' I love it when synchronicity happens!)

Today I have been messing around with my playlists, and I wondered if I was missing anything! What song do you put on and listen to over and over and over until it heals you? What songs do you put on when you are needing to feel wonderful? What song reminds you exactly of who you are?

(ADDED: I Double Dare you to download 'Don't be Shy' by Cat Stevens, lie on the floor or the ground and play it loud enough to let it seep into your bones. Bliss.)

My go-to favorites? (of the 1268 songs to choose from?)

For sassy:
Happy Girl: Martina McBride
Beautiful: Carole King
I'm Coming Out: Diana Ross
I Can Do Anything: Caleigh Peters
Deb Talan, Deb Talan, Deb Talan!!!

For nudging:
Don't be Shy: Cat Stevens
Beautiful Flower: India Arie
I'm Gonna Do it All: Karine Polwart
Greatest Day: Take That

For wonder:
Beautiful World: Colin Hay
All I know: Art Garfunkel
All this Beauty: The Weepies
The Indigo Girls!
Love You: Free Design

For biting in:
Valerie - Mark Ronson
Speed of Sound: Coldplay
Better Get to Livin': Dolly Parton
I Choose Life (acoustic version): Keisha White
...or there's always Alabama for good old fashioned fun!

This is just a few - but I'd LOVE to know what songs get you. Any guilty pleasures? What makes your soul sing along? What's your go-to for help? Joy? Wisdom? What should I give a listen to?

a rambling return

2009-07-03T18:12:00.003+01:00

"Writing is about getting something down, not about thinking something up." - Julia Cameron

I can't remember which book this is in, but one of the things SARK wrote that resonated with me the most was something about when she was feeling depressed, it clearly meant that she needed to express something. That has been echoing through my head for days now. I have been busy. I have been overworked and stressed out and irritated, and I have not been writing or creating in any way. I tried to figure out what was wrong a few days ago and that thought came back to me.

I need to express something.

I need to get creative!

It's funny how the longer you leave a blog the harder it is to come back to it. I have thought about blogging many times over the past few weeks but once I started back I knew I wouldn't be able to stop. Frankly I didn't have the energy to commit to something else. I didn't have the energy to find a quote and upload a photo (my computer is sloooow!) and then write something about it. HA! So I am not going to. The quote found me and the photo will have to wait, but I am here now. I have broken the ice, and it feels good. It feels good to be back.

Yes, I think I will come back here again.

have a great day.

2009-06-15T12:55:00.001+01:00

Perspective

2009-06-15T11:41:00.004+01:00

I've posted this picture before. I got it in an email years ago and had it up in front of my desk for a really long time. I think it was the look on his face more than anything that made me love him. I'm feeling the need for a little light relief. I have been in that weird place of low-level stress where you feel like everything is okay, but you can also feel this weird tension growing. I've been waking up realizing that my jaw aches and my shoulders are tense. I know you know what I am talking about.

So this morning as I tried to download photos, write an email and deal with a crisis all at the same time, my computer and my brain crashed at exactly the same moment. I sat and just looked at the little colour wheel spinning endlessly in front of me and then shook my head and laughed. I laughed the absurdity of my brain. I laughed at the unnecessary pain and strain that we put on ourselves. Why on earth when we know better do we let ourselves get wound up in knots over ridiculous things? In the grand scheme of life, how does this tension help?

I know lots of ways to live a creative/ full/ inspired/ abundant life. My bookshelf is groaning under the weight of all of those ideas. But what good are those ideas if I forget them when I need them the most? I think that that is the question I need answered most of all. How do we hold onto that part of ourselves that can see the stars when we are swirling in the ordinary?

How do you do it? How do you keep hold of your perspective?

sometimes the truth hurts

2009-06-14T18:48:00.006+01:00

"Life is to be lived. If you have to support yourself, you had bloody well better find some way that is going to be interesting. And you don't do that by sitting around wondering about yourself."
- Katharine Hepburn

(I wonder what she would have thought about blogging...)

It's me! It's me!

2009-06-09T17:20:00.005+01:00

"I pretty much try to stay in a constant state of confusion just because of the expression it leaves on my face." - Johnny Depp

Yes, your eyes do not deceive you, there is a new post from me! The internet appeared as a series of small green lights at just about 11:00 last night. It's slow, but it's ours and we are not talking too loudly in case we scare it away!

It's been an interesting few weeks, but without going into work or life too much, just know that I have missed you!

Better late than never, the winners of the giveaway were... Genie Sea, Hybrid J and Hundred and One Things - YAY!!!! (If you reply to this post with your email included, I'll send you the possible books and you can send me your address in return.) To those of you who didn't win: I still have a pile of books to find good homes for, so keep in touch and I'll do the draw again soon. And pay attention because who knows what those clever bloggers will cook up to giveaway on their blogs!

Now I am off to get back in touch - ahhhhhhhhhh, connection!!!

Paying it forward - a Draw!!

2009-05-23T12:26:00.005+01:00

Artwork: Lotus Rising by Celeste Johnson

As I write this I am sitting on the floor of my old flat. We have come back to finish getting it ready to rent. I’ve been dispatched to write an article for our new website, but I have been so long away from writing anything, I needed to warm up a bit before leaping back into the fray.

We’ve moved! We are now living in a cute three bedroom cottage in the rolling hills of Somerset. It has a lovely big kitchen, some period features and a fabulous garden of the sort that would make a 9 year old boy delirious with exploratory joy. But we still don't have any internet... and I am so addicted to the internet.

So I’ve missed you all very much, and I know that when I finally get connected properly and fire up bloglines, I shall find that I have been completely out of touch with you all. But as a way of sticking my toe back in, I am going to finally take my turn to pay it forward.

A few weeks ago I won a draw on Celeste’s blog for a beautiful print of one of her paintings. (It’s the one I have included above, isn't she beautiful!? I get to own that print!!) She in turn had been inspired by a draw that Darlene had run on her blog. The only rule is that if you win, you must pay it forward in return and offer something of your own. Now, I am not an artist or a photographer or anything, so I cannot offer you something like that, but what I DO have is the biggest pile of inspirational books in the world, and a deep desire to not have to move them all again. If you have read this blog before you will know that I look on my books as very precious, so you know how much this means to me!

So if you leave a comment on this post by May 30, I’ll enter you into a draw for something delicious from my library. (And believe me, I have some good stuff!!!) I’ll have Mark draw three winners and then write to you with a list of books you can choose from. All you have to do if you win is give something away on your blog in return.

Hope you are all doing well, and I’ll see you again when we have the net!

a box of me

2009-05-01T11:45:00.011+01:00

"Having a vision for our future that differs from our current circumstances can be inspiring and exciting, but it can also keep us from fully committing to our present placement." - from DailyOm

Today I sit surrounded by boxes and the accumulation of nearly seven years of co-habitation. It's nearly time to move, but we most certainly are not ready! In a strange twist of fate, we are moving to a place that we have never seen the inside of. Thinking back on it I realize I have never moved like a normal person ever before so I'm not sure why it's bothering me this time. I wonder if it is because this time I am moving with a husband and more stuff than just what can be packed into a single suitcase.

I have a small box packed that is marked, "Meg's essentials.' I've been putting a few things in it here and there without really thinking about what's going in. This is the box that will be coming in the car with us. Looking in it now I think it is really telling (and a little embarrassing) about the person I have become. The old me always just carried a lighter, a journal, a purple pen, a camera, photographs and a little bag of stones.

So what does the new me need to feel safe in her new space? My box contains: a journal, several pens, the same little bag of stones, the same lighter, a painted rock that reads "manifest miracles", my ipod, a smudging stick, a bigger camera, slippers, a shawl my Mom knit for me, green chai tea, photographs tucked into the journal for safekeeping, the word YES, and not one, but three books (like I am going to have time to read!) So there it is: me in a box. Surely there's a psychology lesson in there somewhere!

I've just been told that I won't be having a phone or the internet until the 18th of May, so it seems I am about to go on a blogging break. I hope that you will come back and see me in two weeks. In the meantime, here are some other things to distract you:

1. I am guest blogging at Jamie's site on Monday. She's got a whole week of guests, so it should be very interesting. We have all contributed our take on balance (ha ha!)

2. Wishstudio has relaunched!

3. Please check out our new (very new and still being tested!) site. It has been a long time coming and we're a bit nervous about it, but here it is! It's called Randomly Challenged.

4. Tell me, if you were going to move and you had a box marked, "_________'s essentials," what would be in it? What couldn't you leave to the depths of the moving van? What would you need to feel like you in a new space?

See you on the 18th of May! Wish us luck and take good care of you.

xo

authenticity

2009-04-28T21:54:00.008+01:00

“The authentic self is the soul made visible” - Sarah Ban Breathnach

Conversation with a friend tonight turned to the subject of authenticity. It is a word that is often used on these pages of ours. We struggle for it, we talk about it, we admire it, and rather bizarrely it is also something we try to emulate. But is authenticity something you can find or create? Is it something you have to learn or do we just have it? And how can we tell if it is... authentic or not?

You can usually tell when someone is new to blogging. It is often obvious that they have been reading blogs for awhile. It's the lingo that gives them away. I know this because I did the same thing. I knew what sort of people I wanted to meet and I tried to leave comments that would entice them back to my blog. Very quickly I learned that it was too hard to pretend to be something I am not. As soon as I started leaving comments that were more like me and less like everyone else I started to make friends. I started being authentic.

Authentic is your voice. Authentic is your essence. Authentic is the you that you are in your head. It is honesty about what you stand for and what you want to say. It's not the nuts and bolts of your every day, or what you think people want to hear. You know authenticity when you see it. It's the reason that some blogs 'resonate' (there's that lingo again) and some blogs don't. If someone is being authentic, they give us permission to do the same. It's only natural to want that.

So back to my question. Is authenticity something you have to learn or do we just have it? I've come to think that authenticity is something that you must lean into. It's something that you have to stand at the edge of and test over and over again until you are comfortable with the view. It's about knowing who you are and being okay with that, warts and all. If you can do that, write from that place, and stop trying to be like anyone else, you will find what we are all looking for.

I'll keep leaning into it if you will.

Joy Rebels

2009-04-28T11:46:00.002+01:00

I am quite sick today. It hurts to talk. So I am letting this sassy rockstar do the talking for me.

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

JOY REBEL ARMY GATHERING STRENGTH

Dallas, TX-April 25, 2009

They come from all walks of life and across the world. Joy rebels. There may be one in your own neighborhood.

What is a joy rebel?? A joy rebel is a member of an elite army started by Brandi Reynolds in early 2009. Brandi was tired of the ‘must fix list’ tirade found in most of the self help section and decided she wanted to have some fun, reclaim joy and live a fully authentic life.

And then she invited some friends and they invited some friends and now an army of strong, crafty, fun loving, authentic men and women all over the internet and blog sphere have taken up her cause and marched into the streets and across their web pages with…heart shaped sticky notes. And sidewalk chalk. Oh and warrior names that reveal their innate talents like ‘bubble blower extraordinaire’.

They do things like leave notes in books for others to find. Write joy in sidewalk chalk. Hug trees. And generally wreck havoc on the doom and gloom population glued to the network news.

Anyone committed to the sublime art of being their authentic self is welcome to join this rebel army. Potential warriors can join at http://brandireynolds.blogspot.com. There they will be welcomed into a community of amazing humans, receive weekly missions and get a badge to add to their blog or web page. They should probably not be averse to glitter glue.

Let’s make this a joy nation. Join today!!!
************************************
{Brandi Reynolds is a photographer and joy rebel that clearly doesn’t take herself that seriously. For more info, you can contact her here: brandi@brandireynoldsphoto.com or visit her website here:http://www.brandireynoldsphoto.com}

Weird is...

2009-04-27T15:59:00.004+01:00

- moments of vivid clarity while cleaning a kitchen
- realizing that you can have soul mates of any shape and age
- packing your whole life into boxes
- living without the things that you thought you couldn't live without
- being temporarily unemployed
- the meals you make when you are cleaning out your freezer
- nights on the town that make you feel OLD
- waking up with a horrible case of flu only to watch on tv that there is a flu pandemic in the world
- how much you can miss someone

xo

where I am

2009-04-25T10:44:00.002+01:00

To change one's life:
-Start immediately
-Do it flamboyantly
-No exceptions
-William James

This is how we are living right now. We are moving. We were moving in a week but that has been pushed back a week so that the place we are moving to will be ready. I haven't seen the place where we'll be living, but I have a new job and it is a part of that. For so many reasons Mark and I are leaping off of the edge this month. Everything - literally everything - about our life is going to be different by this time in June. I'm torn in equal measures between excited and completely freaked out.

Any tips on moving to help a girl cope?

thoughts

2009-04-23T07:57:00.005+01:00

"As soon as a man lives or sees a thing, that thing instantly becomes part of his soul." - Gustavus Hindman Miller

When I was a teenager I went to see the movie Pulp Fiction. There is one scene in the movie that is incredibly gruesome, but it is also really funny. I remember sitting in the theatre laughing and then being completely horrified when I realized that what was on the screen shouldn't have made me laugh. That moment changed my life.

I remember reading once that everything we see is forever imprinted on our consciousness. That night in the theatre I made the decision to choose carefully what I allowed into my head. I have taken some teasing from people who think that I am being naive, and heard the word 'wimp' bandied around in my direction when I chose not to watch horrific or violent movies, but I have stood my ground. From that moment on I have been choosy in what I allow into my head. Consciously choosy.

Tonight I wonder what you are allowing into your head and into your life. Did you know that whatever goes in will be there forever? The things you see and the things you live are constantly creating your consciousness.

What are you letting in?

Ooh, deep thoughts for a Thursday night.

Bloggers on the town!

2009-04-20T19:10:00.004+01:00

Susannah, Emma, Pen, Leonie, Jo, & Me taken by Susannah

I'm only slightly embarrassed to say how nervous I was to meet four new friends. In this strange medium we can know the intimate details of someone's life when we have never even seen their face. Meeting someone like that is like going in on the third date, and I had real butterflies walking into town with Susannah and Jo.

I should have known better. It was only a matter of seconds before we were laughing and talking like the oldest friends. With lots of 'air blogging' and caffeine and sunshine, by the time we parted I was exhausted from all of the laughter. They are all even feistier and sassier and wiser and more beautiful in real life than they are on line.

The other thing that happens when you meet bloggers is that you get photographed - a lot - and you know that you will more than likely see those pictures again! But it was okay. It felt natural and silly and like we were documenting the beginning of something.

Here's to friendship and connection and being brave enough to take a chance. (...and ladies, I am so glad that you are in my life! Can't wait to see you in Oxford. xo)

new me -

2009-04-18T21:32:00.004+01:00

"Everything you can imagine is real." - Picasso

Sometimes a girl just needs to spend time with another girl who gets it. My life is quite complicated right now. I'm moving, changing jobs, and basically trying to make a life that looks more like me than the one I am moving away from. I was feeling overwhelmed by the whole thing. I was letting the blog slide, ignoring the creative parts of myself, and forgetting that underneath it all the point is that life is the whole point. Spending the day with this rockstar reminded me again. (Not to mention she sorted out the blog - pretty eh?! The pictures were taken by her as well. Thanks Susannah!!)

Tomorrow we are hanging out with some more bloggers in the beautiful town of Bath. Imagine what SIX of us can get up to!

live...

2009-04-10T11:52:00.007+01:00

Live while you are alive...

Learn to be what you are in the seed of your spirit

Learn to free yourself from all things that have molded you

And which limit your secret and undiscovered road...

Never forget that love

Requires you to be

The greatest person you are capable of being,

Self generating and strong and gentle -

Your own hero and star...

Be grateful for life as you live it,

And may a wonderful light

Always guide you along the unfolding road.

- from Ben Okri's "To an English friend in Africa"
(thanks Genie!!!)

gaps in the hedge

2009-04-04T22:36:00.004+01:00

"In every season of life, there is something to celebrate."

Do you ever stop in the middle of your life and wonder how you got there? Do you ever pause and look at the people you love or the places you are visiting and think, "Wow, look where I am!" Do you ever have those moments in your life where you stop and take a deep breath and realize that you need to be paying better attention?

The picture above is one that my Dad took of one of the roads leading to our house. The way is single track, with a few places where two cars can safely pass. Many of the roads in Devon are like this. Hedges are the order of things. If you were to get out of your car and look over the hedge you could see miles and miles of the most beautiful rolling countryside, often leading down to the sea. Every now and then there is a gap in the hedge where there is a fence or a gate, and if you stay in your car and look quickly you can see glimpses of the beauty that is obscured. People who aren't used to Devon get very nervous and very tense driving around the county. They usually miss the beauty because they are so tied up in the journey.

Yesterday I looked through a gap in the hedge. I was really worked up about all of the craziness coming up in my life, but I was lucky enough to be included in Jamie's conference call. The message was celebration, and I found myself quietly feeling so full and almost overwhelmed by the feelings that were coming out of the phone and out of me. There was so much wonderful laughter and conversation that my skin was tingling with the energy of it and I paid attention with all of my heart. Then I got to talk to one of my best friends in the whole world for the very first time (isn't blogging weird?) and then I spent a glorious evening being silly with some of my family. I paid attention to all of it, and carried that attention over into today when I got to spend precious time with my parents.

Today I wish you more than a gap in your hedge. I hope that you can pull over and pay attention to the beauty that is all around you. Life, love, time and the people that you love are so precious. EnJOY them!

xo

Change

2009-03-20T14:55:00.004Z

"All forward growth begins with letting go." - Gail McMeekin

Look what my clever Mom created with a little help from my equally clever Dad! Isn't it beautiful? Now look closer: it's a quilt! My Mom had to make a quilt square for a quilt that was going up in the brand new library that is being built in their town. She had never made a quilt like this before, but with a little help from my Dad they have really made a wonderful work of art! It's a representation of a causeway (bridge) that is the real focal point in the area. It inspires me because they were both willing to take a risk and do something that they had never done before, and the result was something incredible. (It's really beautiful Mom! I am so proud of you!)

The past few weeks have been crazy with a capital C! And thanks to the job that I was offered on Tuesday and must start at the beginning of May and the two week trip I am taking home next week, the next month or so is also going to be Crazy. Isn't it funny that we can go on for years and years doing the same thing over and over again, wondering when it is all going to change, and then suddenly everything changes at once?

In the chapter in Gail McMeekin's book for this week, she talks all about change and letting go. HA! Talk about good timing. The next month will be all about letting go. We'll be letting go of things as we pack up our life here and decide which baggage needs to come with us. We'll be letting go of comfort and safety and pattern and places we know. We'll be moving to a new house, a bigger city, a bigger job (for me) and a new business (for Mark.) It's all systems go.

Somewhere in all of that, I realize that I need to find myself a little sliver of serenity. What else do I not want to pack? My fear of the dark? My belief that I will always be overweight? My untidiness? My procrastination? Do all of these have to come with me? What about my quest for publication? Will I have the time to do it with my new job? Does it get to come? Is it inevitable that all of me will come or can I leave some behind?

I think that the most powerful question I will ask in the next month will have to be, "What do I really want?" Hopefully the only things I will take with me will be the answers to that question.

abundance

2009-03-13T06:44:00.009Z

"Abundance invites us to live the life we desire instead of settling for less." - Gail McMeekin

When I was just getting started blogging, I would often read or hear something and I would hear an almighty growl in my head. It would be a deep, grumbling roar that came from the bottom of my gut. It was the sound of something resonating deeply; the sound of me remembering my wild woman. I haven't heard her for awhile, and I had almost forgotten about her, but then the sound appeared again today when I was reading a chapter in Gail McMeekin's book.

It began when I read, "Abundance beckons as a state of mind, beginning with gratitude for what you already have and followed by a vision of what you want to create in your life." Rrrrrrrrr.... Then I read, "Prosperity consciousness demands that you look beyond the energy of money and own up to what it is that truly nourishes you." RRRrrrrr....

Then I rejoiced when McMeekin spoke about being IN your body as key to owning our power and speaking our truth. "As women, we need to find pride in our physicalness and trust our internal knowledge. Body, mind, and spirit - it's all connected." RRRRrrrrrrr.....

And there it was again: the same message from the Universe nudging me in my direction. "This world needs women who will speak their truth and actively participate." Then I heard it, loud and clear...

RRRRRrrrrrrrrRRrrrrOOOOOOOOoooAAAAAAaaaaaaRRRRRrrrrrrrrrr!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

...and I said, "Welcome back, I've missed you."

My 300th Post.

2009-03-05T17:52:00.013Z

"Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant." - Maya Angelou

(This is the best cheesecake I have ever had in my entire life. It was so good we had to go back another day for another piece. If you are ever in Grenada, go to The Beach House for cheesecake. Believe me. (...and send me a piece, please!!)

This, dear friends is my 300th post! On January 24, 2006 I began this journey. I wish that I could have a big tea party and invite you to put on your best hat and your sassiest shoes and come over for rose petal or green chai tea and the most delicious food you can possibly imagine. We could giggle about all of the reasons that we were too scared to begin blogging, and about how odd it is to tell people in the 'real' world that you have friends - good friends - that you met (gasp!) online.

I'd love to hug you in person and tell you that you are important to me and that the last 300 posts have represented a seismic shift in who I am and how I look at the world. Lots has happened since I wrote my first post, and lots is going to happen in the next little while. I wish I could write a letter to myself 300 posts ago - but what I can say is that whether you start a blog or write letters or meet people in person, the best choice you can make to change your life for the better is to open up, look deep and be honest. Real connections happen when you let yourself be vulnerable. Real change happens when you are brave!

Thank you for being here, and if you ever want to come over for tea, I've got lots just waiting to be added to good conversation. Love to you.

Since we can't be together I will end this post with my most favorite advice for living:

"To be strong does not mean to sprout muscles and flex. It means meeting one's own numinosity without fleeing, actively living with the wild nature in one's own way. It means to be able to learn, to be able to stand what we know. It means to stand and live." - Dr. Clarissa Pinkola Estes

What is your favorite advice for living?

Rejection.

2009-03-05T17:10:00.002Z

"The world often knocks us down, and we wear the scars to signify the blows. We have to choose whether to retreat or retry." - Gail McMeekin

I can not tell you how much I enjoyed the chapter for this week's blogging book group! As I work to get my novel published and begin to get back a few rejection letters, I am feeling twinges of discouragement. As anyone who has read my blog for awhile will know, one of my favorite books in the whole world is Women Who Run with the Wolves by Dr. Clarissa Pinkola Estes. At the beginning of this chapter, Gail McMeekin shares that this remarkable book was rejected forty-seven times over twenty years. FORTY-SEVEN!!!

I do not think I could handle that.

Having said that, the thing about the process of writing my novel is that after the year of writing, the editing, the rewriting, the attempts at a synopsis, the sending it out to be read by people and the query letter writing I seem to have developed a healthy emotional distance from the book. I still love it. I still believe in it completely and want to passionately promote it, but it no longer draws blood when I get a rejection letter. I know that it needs someone to love it as much as I do. I am choosing to see rejection letters as notes from people with no imagination or bravery. I certainly do not want someone like that championing my book!

I think that the trick to handling rejection is to have created a list before putting ourselves out there. I have a list of agents and publishers that I am methodically sending work out to. I have a long plan of attack. If a rejection comes in, I file the letter and send the package out to someone else. Just like the only secret to writing a novel is to sit in the chair and write the novel, I have to believe that the secret to getting published is to keep asking people to publish you. (Or hire you or let you hang your art or sell your photographs...)

"Getting ahead in a difficult profession - singing, acting, writing, whatever - requires faith in yourself. You must be able to sustain yourself against staggering blows and unfair reversals. When I think back to those first couple of years in Rome, those endless rejections, without a glimmer of encouragement from anyone, all those failed screen tests, and yet I never let my desire slide away from me, my belief in myself and what I could achieve." - Sophia Loren

playing along...

2009-02-28T20:12:00.004Z

Playing along with Kerstin, who was playing along with Susannah, here are my 10 favorite words beginning with the letter b.

Books. This is an easy one for me. Apart from certain humans and my MAC, books are my most favorite thing on the planet. I hope to have a library filled with them in my house some day. If I go to visit someone at their house and they don't have any books, I get quite suspicious and wonder if we can really be friends. To me, books are friends, security blankets, teachers, and as necessary to me as food. My last $10? Definitely on a book.

Beauty. One of the guiding forces in my life is beauty. I believe in it, I look for it, and I revel in it.

Banana. I love this word for a ridiculous reason. I love this word because when I write or type it I have to concentrate every time to keep from adding too many 'na's. Silly but true.

Beatific. When I was a little girl I remember reading that a character had a beatific smile. I had to look it up. I think it was the first word that I ever looked up for myself in the dictionary. I'm glad it was such a good one!

Bewitch. I love this word in all of its forms. I love that it gives me a little tingle, as if there is magic released just by saying it or thinking it. Nothing is ordinary if the word bewitch is involved!

Betwixt. This word is usually coupled with the word between. (They mean the same thing.) The place 'betwixt and between' is always where magic happens. Hmmm... I am sensing a trend here in my words. I think I like magic!

Bliss. This is an obvious one. I think that nearly everyone who ever wanted more in their lives began with the Campbell quote about following your bliss. We are forever chasing this word, hoping to find our bliss, whatever that means.

Brave. I love this word because of what it makes me feel. I love it because of the hope and the fire it holds. I am going to try to embrace more bravery in my life in the next few months.

Baby. I like it when my husband calls me this (who knew!) I like it in Dirty Dancing when Johnny says, "Nobody puts Baby in the corner." I like hearing when babies are born into this world. I like that it sounds like a sigh.

Butterfly. For a long time I curled my nose up when I heard about the symbolism of butterflies. It always seemed too easy or too obvious. I preferred to work a bit harder on my messages and metaphors. But lately butterflies have been forcing their way into my consciousness, and I have let them slip through. I am glad I did.

Want to play? You could ask Susannah or Kerstin for a letter, or you could ask me, or you can just open a book and put your finger down on a letter. If you do or if you have, I would love to read yours when you post your list - do let me know!!

Other b words I like: bamboozle, bashful, bath, befuddled, blossom, bouffant, brazen, bumph, buoyant, bustle...

A new cycle.

2009-02-27T15:45:00.005Z

"Courage is the power to let go of the familiar" - Mary Byrant

For the past few weeks I have been in an enormous FUNK of epic proportions. I have had a flu/ cold of the sort that make you lie in bed and ponder the meaning of life, and have allowed that to suck me down into the bowels of mood-land. I have been all of the way through the gamut of "I have had enough" through "I just don't care anymore" and right out to the end of "oh woe is me." Ugh. But when I finally got tired of feeling sorry for myself, all of that quiet time made for some good thinking!

I have often read about people's 'A-ha' moments and wished for one. Looking back on the past month I realize now that this whole month has been a steady trickle of inspiration. It's like I have been on an A-ha drip. I couldn't deal with it all at once, so I had to have it in small doses. The sticky, messy metamorphosis that has been my month of February has culminated in a shift. Every single book I have picked up, every television show I have watched, and every bit of inspiration pointed at me have all seemed to send the same message:

We must discover our own truth.

It sounds so simple, but for the first time I think I actually get it. I know I have been yapping on about my new project for ages now, but I am telling you to expect it very soon! I think I just needed this month to be really ready for all that it entails.

"If your knowledge of fire has been turned to certainty by words alone, then seek to be cooked by the fire itself. Don't abide in borrowed certainty. There is no real certainty until you burn; if you wish for this, sit down in the fire." - Rumi

yes.

Elizabeth Gilbert: You Rock.

2009-02-22T21:09:00.004Z

Asking for help.

2009-02-20T12:07:00.005Z

"Just get up and do your thing and speak your truth. It's as simple as that." - Lamar Harrington

This week at The Next Chapter book group, the chapter is "Consulting with Guides." When I started blogging it was because I was desperate for connection with like-minded women. I put the intention out there and more importantly, I did something about it. Within a week I had connected with three amazing women. We connected because we were all brave enough to reach out to each other. Within a year of being brave, I had made several wonderful friends, traveled to a creative retreat, and begun writing a book.

But as Gail McMeekin says, "The real story is often much more helpful than a myth." I need to tell you that it hasn't all been perfect. I've been snubbed and ignored, I have lost connections and I have been the ignorer. Reaching out and being creative is HARD, but every time you do it, you get a little stronger and you meet someone new. Today instead of writing about being brave and making connection, I am going to do it, because you just never know where it would lead!

I've always felt that we get messages from the Universe. Well while I was sick I got them loud and clear. The Next Chapter's "Consulting with Guides," my note from the Universe telling me: "It's not what you know, it's who you know... and love," getting a brave invitation to a delightful gathering, and a long talk about publication with two different people are all pretty clear road markers. The consensus? Ask for help. It's all about who you know. Be brave.

So here it is:

I have written a book. I am now seriously looking for an agent for it, and I am having big problems. Can anyone out there give me any advice or a contact name or any information at all to help me in this quest? The book is a novel about a woman finding herself. I have had several people read it and the comments have been wonderful. Most told me they couldn't put it down, several said that they knew of many women that they wanted to read it, and one reader told me that it has completely changed her life. Now I can't tell a prospective agent this as it looks unprofessional, but as this is MY blog, I can do what I like! So I am shamelessly asking: Can anyone out there help me get my book into the right hands to give it the best possible chance in the world?

Because that is what I really need right now!

Permission.

2009-02-08T10:22:00.005Z

"For too many women, doubting the legitimacy of their inspirations chokes their creative spirit." - Gail McMeekin

This is the first letter of a word that I commissioned from Jessie. I am delighted to say that I have the word 'YES' coming in the mail!

As I read through the chapter for this week's book group, I was struck by the number of excuses and reasons that women find to not create.

I know I am an incredibly lucky girl in many ways. Supportive parents, BIG life lessons about the preciousness of life, early creative surroundings, an artistic husband and no kids of my own have all conspired together to make me quite comfortable spending time writing. In fact, in our house we often ignore things like laundry and cleaning in favour of a few more minutes making our dreams happen.

Having said that, I couldn't figure out why the chapter made me so uncomfortable until I read the quote I shared at the top of this page. I'll add it again here in case you missed it: "For too many women, doubting the legitimacy of their inspirations chokes their creative spirit." - Gail McMeekin. As I said, I have no trouble spending time writing, but whenever I pick up a paintbrush I feel like I should be doing other things. I should be writing - that is where my skills are - that is where I might have a shot at creating something worthwhile.

UGH.

Last year I had a brainwave for a wonderful website. I am in love with this idea. I bought the web address, I have been scribbling about it ever since, but I haven't gotten past tinkering with page one. Why? Because it requires me to make art and because it is NOT a way of making money. The lesson? Creativity that creates even the remotest possibility of income = valid. Creativity that is just creating beauty in the world for the sake of it = something to cram in after all of the other to-dos have been taken care of.

On Friday I had a little meltdown. I was at work and was listening to something on my ipod that make me cry. Luckily I was alone, because it was one of those messy talking to the universe, God, and anyone else who might be listening cries. I wanted to know what to do to make a situation I am in better. When I was all cried out (and the universe could get a word in edgewise) I started thinking about that idea again, complete with a new and enticing angle. In fact, whenever I am feeling sorry for myself, this idea pops into my head again. I keep pushing it down, thinking that I'll do it when my other shoulds are done. I think that this time I will listen. In fact, I am going to make it a priority.

Seeing the act of creating as a legitimate use of our time makes us make time. It becomes a priority no matter how much washing needs doing or how much other people need us. The only thing stopping us from focusing on our Self is our own perception of the validity of what we are doing. We need to place value on the things that we love to do, and then we will not feel guilty doing them. The world needs our creative energy, it doesn't need more guilt!

"In order to succeed, you must create a space, commit the time, value it, and fight for it. And yes, give some things up." - Gail McMeekin

finding my wings.

2009-02-04T18:09:00.003Z

"Metamorphosis isn't always pretty but it is always awesome and absolutely essential." - Oprah Winfrey

I just need to say that I am seeing butterflies!

I wrote here about the butterflies that appeared in my life earlier this year, but ever since I wrote that post, I have been noticing something different. For the past few months blue butterflies have been appearing in my life. I need to be clear and tell you that as I am in England in the winter, the butterflies have not been real. Instead they have appeared in other guises. I have seen them winking at me from book and magazine covers, on people's clothing, in advertising, etc., etc. It has happened enough that I have begun to get a little heart flutter every time I see one now, because I believe there is more to it than just coincidence.

I have had a funny thing for blue wings for a while now. I even put a pair into the book that I have just written. So to suddenly begin seeing them everywhere has been quite intriguing. I have been looking in all of my signs and symbols books to try to discover what it all means. All of them say the same thing: butterfly = transformation. But what does a blue butterfly mean? Hopefully it's MY transformation. I choose to see them as little winks from the universe to say that everything is going to be okay. My book (complete with blue wings) will be published, Mark's website will launch, and life with be transformed.

Maybe the caterpillar has finally metamorphosed! (Is that even a word?) (Giggle.)

Short and Sweet

2009-02-01T15:29:00.006Z

About your goal: "If you carry on as you are, will you achieve it?” - Paul McKenna

Artwork and Photograph by Jessie M. of Patch of Sky and Stray Dog Arts

Okay, so I blatantly lied to you about coming back and telling you all about Grenada. I may still do a post about it, but the last few days have past in a post-vacation brain freeze and I just can't summon the nowse to do anything. Even today, after going through some of the 457 entries in my Bloglines account, I find I cannot do it. I'm still hibernating. Tomorrow I go back to work. Tomorrow I get back to reality. Today I am staying in my cocoon!

So instead of anything of ME, here are some of the things I have found lately that make me happy!

1. This blogger. She is new to me, but I am finding her blog pure delight!

2. This same blogger's Women's Circle starting in March. It looks like just what the Dr. ordered!

3. This book by Martha Beck. I was loaned it on holiday after I'd finished the FIVE novels I had with me. Within 39 pages I had one of those put-down-the-book-and look-around-with-amazement moments that you sometimes get when you realize something new about yourself.

4. Susannah's new e-course: Unravelling: Ways of Seeing My Self looks amazing! She is an incredible photographer (it is her skill that made me look as good as I do in the photograph in my header!!) She is insightful and charming and will bring out the best in anyone who wants to take up her challenge!

5. Jessie's word of the day posts and her beautiful artwork. Jessie is walking, talking, typing, painting inspiration!

6. This great blog. I don't know whose it is, but imagine my surprise one day to go there and find a quote by ME!

7. SQUAM. Oh, what I wouldn't give to be there. Do you hear me Universe? Please help me get to Squam this year. (After you help me get published, maybe I could have a book launch there. Is that asking too much? Chuckle.) So many dear souls are going to be there. I am a camp junkie - did it all of my life - and this would be like the best parts of camp PLUS filled with creativity and talent and women I am already friends with who I haven't met in person!! OH. SQUAM. PLEASE?!?!?

8. This is VERY cool. I want one of these couches and one of these chairs so much my mouth waters just thinking about them!!

Have a wonderful Sunday!

xo

Not an Artist.

2009-01-30T12:49:00.007Z

"Everything always passes, and everything is already okay. Stay in the place where you can see that, and nothing will resist you." - Martha Beck

(We are back from Grenada, but I will tell you all about it tomorrow. I haven't got my pictures ready yet, and a holiday needs to be illustrated! So today I am getting right back into the blogging book group.)

This week the chapter is about surrendering to your creative cycles. I had a hard time reading this bit of the book. It's not because it was too much or too hard (or because I am severely jet lagged) but because I feel that sometimes when we talk too much about the "darkness" or the "creative void" that it perpetuates the idea that if we don't have these dark creative blocks or if we don't feel like we are being tested for our art that somehow we are not artists.

For a long time I felt like I couldn't be an artist. It wasn't because of talent or about skill, it was because I didn't think I was full of enough angst. I wasn't carrying a sketchbook everywhere I went, or scribbling furiously in my diary every few minutes or lugging a guitar around with me like my 'artsy' friends were. Those people were artists. I was just me.

I wrote big colourful letters to friends and painted a sun on my ceiling. I scribbled in journals when I felt the need, and I doodled in the margins of my notebooks. I decorated my bedroom with beautiful things, and collected multi-coloured sunglasses. I acted in community theatre productions, ran the craft program at summer camp, and all the while I thought because I didn't feel the passion that these friends seemed to feel about art or music or drama, that I mustn't really be very artistic. What I now realize is that creativity isn't something that you can turn on or off or own or suffer through. It is how you live your life.

Please understand that I do completely agree with the concept of creative cycles. You can't force yourself to create a masterpiece every day. Everything and everyone needs to go through cycles of rest and renewal and growth and creation, but I think that getting lost in the drama of it all can be an enticing enemy. Using terms like "surviving the void" makes us feel like the creative cycles are scary and something to be overcome. I choose to believe that creative cycles are something to relish. Sometimes you show up and you can write pages, other times you only get three words onto a page before you realize that you actually want to be baking or painting or walking. Listening to these urges can bring out the most amazing things. I am going to tell you what I think: your art doesn't need angst to thrive. It just needs you living your life with all you've got, following your creative urges, and trusting that it will all make sense in the end.

...at least that is what I believe.

"... women who have been intimate with the creative process and created pots or books or prints or whatever, have a confidence in the cycles and the inevitability of the emergence of the new. Creative passions have come and gone, and therefore there is faith that inspirations will once again emerge." - Gail McMeekin

T.O. (Time Out)

2009-01-13T08:52:00.002Z

"Gratitude is the most passionate transformative power in the cosmos. When we offer thanks to God or to another human being, gratitude gifts us with renewal, reflection, reconnection." - Sarah Ban Breathnach

Photo by homesgofast.com

It feels like a really strange time to be going on holiday. My packages are going out to agents and there is lots of stuff going on on line. I am making new friends and getting back in touch with old ones. Mark's website is very nearly done. I have changed my diet and am feeling awake and feisty. There is energy in the air. I've never gone on holiday feeling like this. I can't wait to see what wonderful things are in store - both now and when I get back. 2009 has already had a different flavour to it - it already feels like it has potential for greatness. For that, and for you, I am grateful! Have a wonderful few weeks and I shall see you when I am full of all that the Caribbean has to offer!

xo

Engaging Creativity

2009-01-09T10:14:00.004Z

"There cannot be too many glorious women." - Marianne Williamson

Most of you started your new year last week. There were fireworks and celebrations all over the world. For me, my new year and my new life starts today. I don't know how Jamie does it, but somehow she started her new book group on the first day of the rest of my life! I had an endoscopy yesterday to confirm my celiac diagnoses. I have had to eat gluten for the past three months so that this test would be right. From today I can start making every bite I take about healing my body. From today I am going to feel better and stronger and more energetic. From today everything about my journey is about health and strength and putting more of myself into my goals and my dreams. This all sounds awfully dramatic and excessive, but after years of fatigue and lethargy, I am almost fizzing with excitement at the possibilities now that I know how to take care of myself!!!

The book this time is The 12 Secrets of Highly Creative Women by Gail McMeekin. In Chapter One, she says, "It was time to redesign my life in line with my limitations and with total allegiance to my truth." I got goosebumps when I read that. That is where I am on my creative journey. It's time to listen and understand who I am and how I work and that I can't force myself to do anything. (There is a part of me will always rebel!) As I said in my last post, every decision needs to be about whether the choice will bring me closer or further away from what I want. And I need to make the choice to get closer more often.

OH - I just found this at Kerstin's blog - go here and listen to THIS!! Trust me! It's like a theme song for getting ON with it!

"In the sacred traditions, the first thing you do in the morning is ask for blessings from the four elements: earth, air, fire and water. Because all of the work that you are going to do that day will change the universe." - Laura Esquivel

Clear Focus.

2009-01-04T12:13:00.007Z

"Metamorphosis isn't always pretty but it is always awesome and absolutely essential." - Oprah

I'm not sure why I haven't been here in so long. I have started to write a post a few times, but I couldn't get past the title. I have felt quiet and still and even now, faced with the prospect of beginning to write again, I feel like I am hesitating on the shore; dipping my toes in to test the waters before I commit myself.

I know how things get around here at the turn of the year. Everyone goes all hog-wild picking theme words, making or not making resolutions, thanking the previous year and making lists of their wildest dreams. I have done some of those things privately this year, but I did not have the energy to share them.

It feels different this time. I feel like my resolutions came with a different sort of sigh this year. Other years I have sighed as I have written, 'lose weight' and 'write my book.' That sigh was one of resignation: I'll never do this, why do I bother? This year it was a soft sigh of determination. It was a soft breath of knowing that I can and I will complete what I have started. I feel both softer and stronger now. Clearer. I know what I want and I know that I just need to work hard to get there. Every decision just has to be weighed: will this choice bring me closer to or further away from what I want and who I am? And then I have to live with the consequences of my choice.

It's funny how a profound lightness of purpose caused such a heavy sounding post. It's actually quiet and determined and joyful over here. It's just all percolating on the inside for now. My goal for 2009? Clear focus. "I know like I know like I know."

So help me catch up - what's your goal for 2009?

xo

a woman...

2008-12-15T22:44:00.003Z

I've posted this before, but I needed it today, so maybe one of you might too.
(It's an old Nike Ad. Click on the pic. to make it big enough to read.)

xo

The story of two butterflies.

2008-12-14T08:53:00.009Z

"What you focus on appears."

Once upon a time, when I was living in Kingston, Ontario and going to teacher's college, I walked into a small bookstore and bought these two cards. I often buy pretty cards and then use them as art rather than sending them. Most of these cards eventually end up being put into my Anything Book or my Inspiration file. For some reason these two have followed me everywhere since. I have had them up - side by side - on every wall of every room I have lived in since 2001.

They say that what you focus on appears. A few days ago I was brushing my hair and I looked over at the wall where I have put up some photographs and other treasures. My heart skipped a beat when I looked at those butterflies. They HAD appeared - several times - in my life over the past year. When I asked Laini to design our wedding invitation, I knew that we were going to have wings, but I didn't really think about which ones. When her gorgeous art arrived, I was delighted, but I didn't make any connection.

When Lisa agreed to make our beautiful wedding cake and said that she wanted to make it like our invitation, I remember thinking how beautiful her drawings were and then how stunning and unusual the cake was. I still didn't make the connection.

When Kirsten Michelle sent me her incredible photographs of the wedding, I was so grateful to her for such beautiful images of our day. (The last two photographs are hers!) I was glad she captured such important moments. I remember cutting the cake with Mark and then jokingly holding up the sugar butterflies and having our picture taken. I STILL didn't really make the connection.

For eight years I have been looking at these two butterflies and not really thinking about them. I have appreciated how pretty they are and have thought about whether or not it was time to take them down and decided it wasn't time yet. For eight years I have semi-consciously been focusing on them. But they have been there to be focused ON. And sure enough, they appeared.

I am sure that the Universe was struggling with that one. "She wants butterflies? A blue one and a monarch? Hmmm..." But sure enough, with enough time and enough concentration, they appeared. And just like the two that I have been dutifully placing side-by-side since 2001, they were side by side; and they were beautiful.

So I hate to break it to you folks, but what you focus on appears. It may not be on purpose or in exactly the form you expect, but it appears. And if you are not clear, you might get unusual results. As for me, I have put up a few more things that I want, but this time I have been a bit more specific. I have also decided to consciously look at the images a bit more often. I don't have eight years to wait for my other dreams! But I have learned my lesson! I get it now. I am just glad that I got to learn it with wings that were on my wall and not the monkeys!

xo

P.S. I DID IT!! I put my money where my mouth is. I sent off my first proposal package to an agent!! Fingers crossed please!

change.

2008-11-30T08:13:00.005Z

"If you can put fear aside, you're unstoppable." - Janet Hagberg

This is the last day over at Soul Coaching. It has been an interesting month. At the beginning of the month I questioned my own ability to follow through; to show up and to trust myself with this journey, and I am proud to say that I did it. I did show up here at my desk every day. This is huge for me! I am sad about some things. I did not have time to visit everyone on the journey very much, and some days I did the bare minimum required, but I journeyed just the same! (Thank you so much to Jamie for hosting!!)

Today is about celebrating yourself and the changes you have made. I am actually surprised by the profound change that seems to have happened in me. It feels quite fresh and tender and new so I am not going to show it too much light yet, but just know that things are going to change around here! I'm feeling a shift, and that shift is moving me forward in lots of ways.

I have been sitting here for almost an hour writing and rewriting this post. I want to be eloquent and profound, but the only words that keep going through my head are, "I'm done." I keep hearing them no matter what else I try to say. I guess that is the most profound shift. I'm done. I can't explain it more than that. It's not the blog that is done, it's not me that is done, but on so many other things, I am done. It's finished. Stick a fork in me! For a long time I have been about the 'me' part of this blog - about all of my questions - and this month I have had answers. I feel like a chick ready to hatch. I am done being small and worried and unsure. There is no more time for all of that. I'm ready to embrace the 'more' part. Starting right now.

"I am larger, better than I thought, I did not know I held so much goodness." - Walt Whitman

Girls Rock.

2008-11-27T07:52:00.012Z

"Remember, you are not here to play it safe. You are here to start fires." - Sera Beak

Because these two gorgeous girls are in this world, and because my friend Karen has two girls and my friend Colleen has two girls and my friend Gerb has two girls, and because I take my job as fairy godmother to Helen very seriously, I wanted to share some good GIRL STUFF.

In the past few years I have been on a real journey towards being a girl. Yes, I said girl because I never really embraced girl before, and you really need to do that before you can make the leap to woman. I was very girlie when I was small, but then something happened (school and camp happened) and I thought that being independent was the same as being tough and full of attitude. There was no room in my life for pink and soft when there was so much beer drinking to do and attitude to give, and boys to torture with my stinging wit.

But in my old age I have come to realize that there is room for all of it. There is a place for gentle and nice and feminine and that doesn't have to be mutually exclusive of strong and fierce and independent. Being a girl means being complex and complicated and full of questions and fire and femininity. By coming to terms with those things and bringing them all together, we can step into our power as women.

And hopefully by doing that, we can show other girls the way.

Women showing the way:

1. Christine Kane. She is fierce and inspiring. This is her blog, and this is a fabulous song.

2. Patti Digh. She shows you how to live deliberately. This is her blog. Her book is amazing.

3. Sera Beak. She will make you think about the Universe. A lot.

4. Sahara. This is a beautiful idea!

5. Geneen Roth. If you have EVER gone on a diet or had a bad thought about your body, find Geneen. Her books are life changing, and she also has a blog!!

6. Sabrina Ward Harrison. Who showed a lot of us it could be different.

7. Goddess Leonie. She is incredible.

And good things that are happening in this world:

Rock Camp for Girls. (This site has music!) (Anybody want to go to Ladies Rock Camp with me?) I posted this ages ago, and sometimes I just go back to watch it again!

Karen Heck, Lyn Mikel Brown and Lynn Cole.

WriteGirl.

Women for Women International.

... have you got any women to recommend or links to send? I'd love to make this list grow and grow!!

Gluten Free ME.

2008-11-25T06:20:00.005Z

"My body is incredibly strong and healthy." - Denise Linn

A strange thing happened the day before we were due to start Soul Coaching. I was called into the doctor to get the results of the blood test I had had taken a week before. The blood test had come back positive for Celiac Disease (Coeliac if you are in the UK!) But the doctor told me that was I was allowed to start eating differently until I had had another test. Inside of my head I was thinking that that was okay - I could eat all of the things I would never be able to eat again and then I would be ready for going gluten-free in December. But then I started to pay attention, and I started to read up on Coeliac Disease, and I started to read Soul Coaching, and now all I can think about is getting healthy.

I have always felt like I was capable of MORE (hence the title of my blog!) - of sparkling and being a real force in the world - but I hated - HATED - myself because I couldn't seem to do the things I wanted to do. I wanted to shine, but I spent nights exhausted on the couch watching television. I wanted to dance, but I made excuses in phys. ed. to let myself sit out. I just didn't feel good. I eat really well, I take supplements, I read every health article I can get my hands on, I try to exercise, but nothing ever made me feel healthy and energetic. I thought I was just lazy. And that hurts.

But for the past few weeks alongside Soul Coaching, I have been reading the book Gluten Free Girl by Shauna James Ahern and my neck is practically hurting from all of the nodding I have been doing - it's ME! It's ALL THERE - the hospitalization for unexplained stomach pains in high school, the exhaustion, the weight, the unexplained medical symptoms of digestive problems, abdominal pain, the foggy feeling, everything!

But now I have a huge problem waiting for the second test. I know what I need to do to get healthy. I know that when I stop eating gluten I will feel BETTER. I know that my body will heal and I will know what it is like to feel great. But I can't do it and it's incredibly frustrating. Today the heading for level two in Soul Coaching is "Change your body, change your life." (178) Well I can't. I desperately want to, but I can't - yet.

It's a strange feeling to know exactly what will help and how to do it, but to not be allowed to. But in some ways I think that this time has been a gift. I think that if I had been able to start right away I would have had a much bigger grieving process. I would have wanted pizza and hamburgers and bagels and muffins. But now I have had those things and have felt rotten. Now I am ready to feel good. And feeling good will be worth far more than a toasted bagel!

I'm sure of it.

Creativity

2008-11-22T08:18:00.003Z

...close your eyes and ask yourself, "If my soul had something to tell me about today, what would it be?" - Denise Linn

Two and a half years ago, I had an inkling for a book. I had scattered thoughts and some scribbled notes, but I couldn't get started. The book that I had in mind was so unusual that I didn't think I had any right to write it. I also didn't know where to start. But my soul was telling me the story anyway, even though I pretended that I didn't know what it was saying. Eventually my soul got tired of whispering and began to shout.

For some reason the week I began the book, I had tried meditating. It was like I could feel that something was trying to come through. I sat in my room and got very quiet, not really knowing what I was doing, but concentrating on my breath. When I came out of the meditation, I had the entire first paragraph resting in my head. I knew where to start. I wrote it down breathlessly. But the hesitation was still there - who am I to write this book?

But every time I hesitated, I would get a sign. The main character came to me with an unusual name. I didn't want to use it, but that weekend I went to Bath (and met the Gorgon in the photo above - talk about a creative fire!) and had a glaring sign that that was the name I needed to use. I kept being drawn to do things I hadn't done for ages - writing morning pages, dancing, colouring, going for walks - and in those moments, the whole book came to me loud and clear. I just needed to get quiet and get into the flow that comes from being creative.

Today in Soul Coaching, Denise talks about creativity. She says: "When you are being truly creative, time stands still, and you enter into a dimension that can carry you beyond the ordinariness of life." (156) I know this to be true. I got a whole book out of it. And this week? This week of fire and energy and creativity? It gifted me with another book. I have another bubbling idea. My advice? Get INTO being creative. Dance or colour or write or meditate or bake or do whatever it is you do that makes you lose track of time, because it is there in that moment that magic happens.

Good Things

2008-11-21T06:40:00.004Z

"Are you living your passion? are you following your dreams? If not, you have eight days to initiate powerful shifts in your life. Reinstate your intention - after all, miracles can happen in eight days." Soul Coaching by Denise Linn

Giggle. What a message. I have eight days to shift things in my life! That's both a joy to read and a bit of pressure!!

Today is all about love and kindness, and being quiet about it. So I am not going to write much except to give you some links of love!

1. Go here every day. Every click on every site it links to provides something for someone in need. It is all paid for by advertising.

2. They need our help very very badly.

3. So do they. Go here to read all about it!

In other good news and an attitude of gratitude, I opened my email this morning to discover I had won a beautiful photograph at Kerstin's blog. I am so excited! Her photographs are stunning! I bet you can guess which one I chose! Thank you so much Kerstin!

and in more goodness:

Nicole offered to do a reading from her Soul Coaching deck for those of us participating in the program. I leaped at the chance. I am a sucker for cards and readings! I had a tarot reading by Jamie a while back and it was great!

I had to tell Nicole my name and pick a number. This is the reading she sent me. I love it!!

FREEDOM

Card Meaning: Break free, express yourself, and let your spirit fly! Flaunt
your stuff, dance, laugh, explore, and go beyond predicable behaviour. Be
daring. Fling your arms to the heavens in joy.

Your Soul wants you to know: You aren't here to be ordinary, but to step
beyond limitations and self-imposed boundaries. Don't allow yourself to be
trapped by convention or the expectations of others. You have the ability
to choose your life on your terms. Replace the phrase "I should" with "I
could, but I choose not to at this time." Perhaps you aren't always free to
create the exact circumstances of your life - but you're certainly able to
decide what meaning to give those situations. Select meanings that empower
you, for this is the time to break free.

Affirmations: Boundless freedom surges through me.

This has so much power for me beyond the obvious as I deal with a major shift in my life. Boy there is a lot of energy around this morning! I hope I can keep up!

xoox

Fire

2008-11-16T08:44:00.008Z

Unleash yourself upon the world! - Denise Linn

I lit a candle this morning in honour of Fire Week and promptly forgot about it. It sat in the corner of my desk while I read the chapter and wrote in my journal. At first the smell of grapefruit cleansed the air, but then I smelled something strange.

During my lack of attention, the heat of the candle had begun to singe one of the feathers that I have stuck into my jar of sea glass. They are far enough above the candle that I didn't think they would be a problem, but the heat singed it just the same.

You'll forgive me, I hope, for seeing the obvious metaphor in this morning. You can't light a fire and then not pay attention. It must be something that you tend and nurture let fill you without letting it singe your wings. Lots of times I have felt full of fire. I have felt jazzed up and ready and full of beans and energy. That is often when the crash is the hardest. Fire isn't always followed by enough action, or it can also be followed by too much action that can make you burn yourself out.

Today I am going to let the energy of fire fill and inspire me. Today I am going to dance (thanks Jamie) and work on telling my story, but I am going to remember that the Skydiggers sang that "There's nothing as hot as a slow burning fire," and try to remember that there is a whole week of fire to come!

This poem has always inspired me and although I have shared it before, I thought it was perfect for today. It always makes me want to be more.

When she walks into the room,
everybody turns:

some kind of light is coming from her head.
Even the geraniums look curious...
We're all attracted to the perfume
of fermenting joy,

we've all tried to start a fire,
and one day maybe it will blaze up on its own.
In the meantime, she is the one today among us
most able to bear the idea of her own beauty,
and when we see it, what we do is natural:
we take our burned hands
out of our pockets,
and clap.

-Tony Hoagland

(The picture of the candle is by someone else, found here.)

What is.

2008-11-15T07:54:00.004Z

"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." - Eleanor Roosevelt

I am sitting in my office in England, thinking about the trip to the cottage that resulted in this picture. It is very early morning. I couldn't sleep, despite deep fatigue, so I got up and decided to get a little bit of work done. I can hear birds singing and sheep bleating, but other than that, it is very quiet.

I just wrote a whole post, and on the verge of hitting publish, I deleted it instead. It was another whiny, negative post that asked too many questions. I'm tired of making excuses and asking questions. I guess I got the message today after all:

"When you choose what is, your word becomes law in the universe." (117)

I have the acoustic version of Keisha White's "I Choose Life" in my head right now. If you can get hold of it, do listen, it's GOOD. In the meantime, here is the regular version. Put it on, turn it up, close your eyes and let it fill you up.

"It is an act of power to consciously choose your life. I do not mean to just choose parts of it (such as the parts you like or feel that you created), but to choose all of it - every bump, every dark night of the soul, every lie and falsehood, every fear... everything." - Denise Linn

Have a wonderful weekend.

P.S. I made art today!!! Inspired by this, and the tasks from yesterday I made art - but I can't get the scanner to work - you'll just have to trust me!

Change

2008-11-12T21:00:00.005Z

"To change the world, you need to change yourself first." - Denise Linn

The first thing I have to say is: "Welcome to the world Anna! I promise to be the very best aunt I can be, and to love you unconditionally and completely." (Isn't she beautiful?! She was born on Monday night. Bliss.)

Now, back to the book:

I have been a little bit quiet over the past few days. I think that I have needed a bit of cover after several days of really digging deep. As much as I am getting from a month of Soul Coaching, I think I have also realized that intensive self-realization can be a bit too much after awhile. Sometimes I have to put in a movie and curl up with Mark.

Today was all about how you relate to the world. It's about understanding your patterns. Once again, Denise hit me right in the solar plexus. She talked about a client who had a pattern of protecting herself. The description - right down to the checking to make sure the door was locked three times - caused a click in my brain. I do that. I protect myself. And here I thought I was just uptight!

Looking back at my life, I can see absolutely no reason why I should be so afraid. I was raised with lots of love and support. Tonight, however, I watched a movie of one niece meeting the other one for the first time. Helen has also been raised with masses of love and support, but she was clearly uncomfortable in the hospital. She hates loud noises and strange places already at 2. So the question is: is it possible to grow up without fear or self-doubt? When do normal nerves and hesitancy turn into a life long pattern?

It made me think about where our patterns begin, and at what point we have to take control. I think that we can waste a lot of time worrying about why we are the way we are. I think that at some point we have to stop trying to blame teachers, parents, friends, husbands, wives, and even children for the way our lives have turned out. I think that at some point we need to see our patterns and our decisions as something that we have created - something we have control over - and do something about them.

Denise's questions today are about just that: letting go of old patterns. There is a quote I read once that went something like: "If you always do what you've always done, you'll always get what you've always got." I like that a lot. It puts responsibility and power right back where it matters, and where there is potential for real change.

"Today, be aware of the way that you relate to the world around you, and notice if there are any recurring emotional patterns." (99) I'm going to snuggle in now and see if I can't spot any other patterns in my life and begin to do what I can to gently let them go. I hope that you are able to do the same.

Good Things

2008-11-08T14:20:00.003Z

Here are a few things that made me happy today:

1. This video that I found on Vivienne's blog. I loved it, and I completely fell in love with the song that it is set to. Po' Girl is amazing!

2. This Laini's Lady that is now for sale.

(Psst - it's my face!! Giggle!)

3. This new online course created by the remarkable Leonie.

4. This article at Wishstudio by Brandi.

5. This site is my new obsession. (Reason: I have almost been diagnosed with Celiac Disease. (Almost means that my blood tests are positive, but I have to go through another, more invasive test before they tell me officially.) I'm having some issues with it, most of which is a desire to begin living in a way that will make me FEEL BETTER, but having to wait. This blog has given me hope that I will not be left in a world of cardboard fake-bread.)

6. This post that made me take a deep breath.

7. This post - the first time a towel will make you salivate!

Have a wonderful weekend.

Ask a silly question...

2008-11-08T11:02:00.004Z

"Today is also a day to watch for signs, synchronicities, and coincidences. In every moment, the universe is whispering to you." - Denise Linn

I have a confession to make. Last night I peeked ahead at today. I found out that today at Soul Coaching was about coming up with a mission statement. I have done this before, many times. In fact, I think I have a pretty good idea of what I am supposed to be doing with my life. I am lucky that I know, but that makes it worse that I don't always do it. Sometimes I think that angst is an addiction.

So last night after I brushed my teeth, I looked into the mirror and asked myself what I was doing here. I smiled and went to bed. This morning when I sat down and looked at today's challenges, I remembered asking myself that question and then I remembered one of my dreams. The dream was all about me trying to take a shower, so I picked up my dream book intending to look up 'shower.' As I sat down with the book in my hands, it immediately fell open to the entry for 'washing.' The first word out of my mouth was 'whoa.' I would never have looked up washing, as I assumed the dream was about a shower. (I LOVE it when the universe interferes!)

Well, once again, I got the same message I always get when I ask the universe for a message: get back to working on my book. 'Washing' suggests the cleansing of negative feelings such as despair or self-doubt. "Is it time to clean up your act or perhaps get started on a project you have been postponing?" Yes. Sigh. Thank you!

Later on I will be working on my mission statement, making some art, and catching up on your blogs, but right now I have to listen to the nudges of the universe. When you ask a question, your only job is to listen to the answer. I've been feeling bad about myself because I have this wonderful book I am not working on getting into the world. It's been muddying the waters around all of the other changes I am trying to make. I know I can change that. So that is what I am off to do -

What has been muddying your results? What have you been avoiding? Which page of the book would the Universe open for you?

Making Room for Magic

2008-11-07T06:47:00.002Z

"When you shift the energy in your environment, it can have a mystical effect on your life." - Denise Linn

Jamie at Soul Coaching, said, "I am making room for magic!" And it gave me goosebumps. Big ones. I have been FULL of goosebumps over the past few days. I had goosebumps as I sat and watched from a different country as a nation and a world began to hope again. I got goosebumps as I watched an interview with a 107 year old man. He is one of only 4 remaining British survivors of World War One. I got goosebumps when I realized last night that I had not turned on the television numbly, but had curled up with a book instead. I got goosebumps when I re-read the comments from my last few posts and from the posts of some of the other participants on this journey. I got goosebumps when I signed in at work with my married name for the first time. I got goosebumps when I realized that as Air Week comes to a close, I can hear a near gale-force wind blowing outside of my flat. I just got goosebumps before I wrote this as I realized that I have been PAYING ATTENTION - and so have all of you! We have been paying attention to our lives in a way that is creating magic and miracles.

Today the journey is about lightening up - and I can feel it! I can feel a lightening in the air (maybe not in the gale force wind!) and in my surroundings. "With everything I release, more energy/ love/ abundance comes my way."

Today I am tackling my in boxes - all of them! Roar! What clutter are you tackling today?

Clutter

2008-11-06T06:22:00.004Z

"A home that matches the contours of your soul subconsciously affirms that you are completely all right exactly the way you are. It is a place where you explore who you are and what you might become." - Denise Linn

Gadzooks, she did it again! As I read through Denise Linn's book this morning, I wasn't sure that I would have anything I needed to learn. It's another day about clutter, and I thought I had learned a lot about myself as I cleaned our bedroom last night.

I have always been a girl with a lot of clutter - always. That's me in the picture, happily surrounded by books and things, sitting on the one uncluttered surface in my bedroom. I think I must have been about 3.

So if I have always been a clutter girl, then two questions come up. 1. Is it just a part of who I am and I need to realize that I am allowed to feel good about myself surrounded by things? And 2. How can I change the pattern of a lifetime and stop feeling bad that I can't seem to keep things tidy and clutter free?

But then Denise said this: "A home that matches the contours of your soul subconsciously affirms that you are completely all right exactly the way you are." And I do not feel all right exactly as I am, surrounded am I am by clutter. I love things. I love creativity and beauty and sparkle and magic. I also currently live in a land that for some reason did not used to believe in building homes with closets. So I am surrounded by things. They are everywhere. And it drains me when I walk in the door.

So why? What's with the things? How can I be myself and feel mirrored by that self in my surroundings without all of the clutter? How can I create a home that supports who I am and what I might become while clearing the things that make me happy and drain me at the same time? And most importantly, how can this little magpie get rid of things that connect her to herself and her dreams and her two-continent life, when she feels so disconnected?

I think I need to take Denise's suggestion and change the lens. Tonight when I come home from work, I will try to see my home through different eyes before I tackle another room. Maybe I should invite someone gentle over to help - giggle - anyone fancy a de-clutter?

"I am clearing away blockages, and abundance in flowing into me."

Taming Myself

2008-11-04T06:45:00.006Z

"When you begin to clear out any clutter in the environment around you, it can have a powerful corresponding effect on the mental clutter inside you." - Denise Linn

When people go on about why they blog and whether or not they want to keep doing it, I hope that they just once write a post about something that feels deeply personal and scary, only to have twenty six people comment and say, "Me, TOO!" It is a wonderful thing. Working on my values yesterday I found that one of mine was 'Connection.' This blog, this community is a vital part of that!

I have written about the concept of taming before, but I thought about it again today in relation to ourselves. I tried to revisit Day Two again this morning to make a commitment to something for the next twenty six days, but I was still too scared. I am so nervous that I won't follow through. But all of your comments yesterday helped me to see that I am not alone, and that all I need to do is be a bit more gentle with myself and start fresh every day. It brings this passage from The Little Prince to mind:

“If you want a friend,” said the Fox, “tame me.”

“What must I do to tame you?”

“First you will sit down at a little distance from me - like that - in the grass. I shall look at you out of the corner of my eye, and you will say nothing. Words are the source of misunderstandings. But you will sit a little closer to me every day.” - Antoine de SaintExupery

I will use that tactic on myself. I can commit to that. Once a day I will sit down a little closer to myself and do something to earn that trust. I will sit here and work through Soul Coaching, and I will commit to clearing a little bit of clutter every day as well. Eventually I will get through the clutter and the noise and hopefully I will have tamed myself.

Day Three: The last time I cleared clutter properly, I was determined to change my life and find someone to share it with. I cleaned out all of the clutter and put a statue of two ducks in the relationship corner (Feng Shui) of my house. Six months later I had moved to England with two suitcases and was madly in love. There is powerful magic in the challenge today! I intend to clear out the financial corner of my house tonight. I'll let you know how it goes.

"There is clarity within me and around me."

Soul Coaching - Day 2

2008-11-03T08:42:00.004Z

"To make a commitment is to take a stand in life - the moment you are your commitment rather than it being something you said, you can actually impact the world." - Denise Linn

(This is another painting by Emily Carr (my new muse) I thought it captured 'Air Week' perfectly!)

With that one small sentence, Denise Linn kicked my ass this morning. I've been thinking a lot about self-respect over the past few weeks. My biggest problem and barrier to my dreams is that I don't follow through with what I say I am going to do. I simply don't do it. Without going more deeply into how, I realized this week that a huge part of my problem is that I don't respect myself because I can't trust myself. If I say "from now on I am going to do _________" and then don't do it, it sets up a tea party in my head that chatters about how I never do what I say I am going to do.

The tea party then goes on to say that this is why I am still overweight and unpublished. Then when I sit down to do something like this, it begins to chatter before I have even begun: "You've never done it before, why would you do it now?" or "We'll see how long this one lasts. The Artists Way only lasted three weeks!" or "You obviously don't want it badly enough or you'd do it." Urgh. So because I don't trust myself to follow through, it becomes harder and harder to even begin.

But today, that quote by Denise Linn did kick my ass a little bit. You have to BECOME your commitment. I guess I never really got that part before. I need to live, breathe, dance, and believe my commitment. How? How do I get past those little voice in my head? How do I do it every day, even when I don't feel like it? I just need to do it - like the Nike ad says - it sounds so deliciously easy doesn't it? Just do it.

"Do or do not - there is no try." - Yoda

Soul Coaching - Day 1

2008-11-01T18:11:00.003Z

"The soul loves the truth." - Denise Linn

I am so glad that today is the first day of Soul Coaching. I have so much gratitude for all of October 2008's gifts, but I am ready to get on with November. In October I got married, spent several weeks surrounded in love and family and friendship, and turned 34. October of 2008 is actually a month of enormous changes in another way too. As the month ended I discovered something that has huge implications for the rest of my life. This month will have to partly be about that. (More as I process.)

So Soul Coaching cannot come too soon! Tonight I cleared my desk and my drawers. My creating/ office space is now tidied, organized, cleansed and cleared! My brand new journal is sitting waiting for tomorrow morning, and I am quietly thinking about what is next. I have hesitated doing projects like this on line until now because I wondered whether anyone would want to read along as I worked through such personal stuff. But I have realized that what I think is so personal is often the things that people connect with the most. We are not so separate after all. Blogging has helped me get that.

So for the month of November I have:

- chosen the painting above as my inspirational image for the month. It's by the artist Emily Carr. I have chosen it because she was a trail-blazer, and was passionate about beauty and the landscape around her. I also have chosen it because images of paths get me every time and this month is about a path. I love that the totems are dotted along the route. I hope that my own has such beautiful and obvious guideposts.

- decided that I will only set one intention: I will show up. I very very rarely finish one of these books. I get sidetracked and overwhelmed. So this month I will be gentle, but I will show up. Every day. No matter what. Even if what I write is crap or I am afraid or angry or bored or uncomfortable. I may not always be HERE (this blog.) But I will show up to the page.

Wish me luck! Join us if you like!

(I haven't made any art today. I spent the day clearing space for art - my month is officially beginning tomorrow!)

Re-entry

2008-10-18T16:36:00.003+01:00

Someone asked me how I was doing today. I thought for a moment and then I said, "I actually am experiencing a few system failures." I've been struggling. I've been struggling with homesickness, with let-down, jet lag and with overwhelm. When you boil it all down, I think I have been having problems with re-entry.

I need to explain that the re-entry I am talking about is a different thing to let-down. Let down is what happens when you have been working really hard or being really involved in something and then it is over. Let down is that cold that you get at the beginning of your vacation. Re-entry is what has to happen when for whatever reason your life has been deeply and profoundly altered. Reentry is when you get home and you don't even recognize your furniture. Re-entry is when you look at your world and wonder how it can be the same when you feel so different. Let down is a pain in the ass. Re-entry can be a real bitch.

I don't want to sound down or depressed because I'm not! I've had the most wonderful, amazing time. But at the same time, it has felt strange moving back into my life. I have experienced this feeling before. I have experienced re-entry after funerals, and after my trip to Seattle. I have experienced re-entry after summer camp and when I flew home from England the first time. All of those experiences left me feeling different on a cellular level. How do you go back to normal when you don't feel normal any more?

My systems are slowly coming back on line. I am enjoying talking about the fun of the wedding. I am looking forward to our belated honeymoon. I am looking happily towards a future as a wife. I am beginning to understand that I need to work a little harder to keep those I love closer. All of these things are making the strangeness fade. Luckily, re-entry is always followed by a landing. It isn't always where you expected to be, but you are always a little wiser, a little more grateful and a little braver. If you are lucky, you are also a lot clearer about where else you are going and how you intend to get there.

xo

(It's my birthday on Saturday! I'll be 34 years old. This will be my first year as a wife, too. Whew! This past year has helped me get that clarity of purpose. So I think that this next one is going to be about carrying out that purpose - wish me luck!)

Big Things are a Comin'!

2008-10-18T12:49:00.005+01:00

Inspired by this:

And because I am participating in this:

I am also going to try to do this:

Because I have a LOT to get done and a LOT to do and I am going to use these three things to focus on the things that I am determined to get done. (And because making art scares me and I want to Be Brave!) November's going to be intense!!

Oh, and P.S.... YUM!!

the wedding

2008-10-14T17:08:00.005+01:00

"Where there is great love, there are always miracles." - Willa Cather

This is my favorite picture of us from the wedding. It says a lot about the day that in every single picture of us we are either smiling or laughing (except some of the ones of coming down the aisle!) It was amazing! It started on Thursday night with our "fake rehearsal." It was fake because it wasn't at the place, we didn't have music, and some of the wedding party weren't even there! But it was a great night full of laughter and delicious food and loved ones.

Friday night we went up to the hotel early and went out with some of our friends who had come from out of town. (One even flew in from Manchester for the weekend!!) We went out for delicious Italian food and had cocktails and laughed all night. This was the first time ever that all of these friends had been together at once, so it was the perfect night-before evening. We could almost forget what was happening the next day.

On the wedding day, I slept in until 9:00 and was just waking up when my friend Sean knocked at the door and came in to see me. We sat on the bed and watched the Weather Network (good news!) and then the day began. Hair, make-up, 4 Teddy Grahams for lunch (see the last picture) and a lot of nerves and hairspray later, it was time! (While I was doing that, the groom, groomsmen, my parents, Mark's parents, our friends Bonnie & Alex and Ron & Elaine, my aunts and uncles and cousins, and others I am sure I have forgotten to write about here were madly decorating and carting and festooning and lighting and generally making the day one I will never forget - thank you from the bottom of my heart!)

Everything ran like clockwork until the stroke of 5:00pm when we were supposed to be walking down the aisle and my niece decided to fill her diaper. With one groomsman dispatched to tell the groom I hadn't run away, we started a little later and with a good story to tell at HER wedding!

The wedding was perfect! It was outside under the trees. My Dad walked me down the aisle and then also did the ceremony. My Mom and Oma and Mark's parents were in the front row. My sister-in-law and brother were standing up with us, as were some old friends. My friend Mike played music for us to walk up and down the aisle, and my aunt and two uncles played a beautiful song while we signed the register. We used "Union" by Robert Fulghum, and a passage from "The Velveteen Rabbit" and a piece written by Mark's sister as our readings. And a lot of the women (and one of the men) got into the English spirit of the day and wore hats. My aunt said that she kept expecting Robin Hood to come down the path behind us.

After the service, we had pictures taken and our guests had drinks and cocktails. The reception was inside this beautiful building that was made up of glass and beams. There was already grapevine and candles and we added round paper lanterns and more candles and so with the white linens, it looked like a fairyland - exactly the look I wanted!! Instead of tinking glasses to make us kiss, we gave each table of guests a challenge to complete. From the first table to do it, the reception then went completely bonkers. One aunt and uncle had to sell all of the pears at their table (the centrepieces were glass bowls filled with pears) to raise money for cancer research, another table had to construct a balloon arch, and others had to make up songs or poems about different things. It was spectacular and perfect chaos!

I must admit that it was also freezing cold. FREEZING. The challenges helped people to get warm, but stupid us had asked for salad as a starter and ice cream - ICE CREAM - crepes as desert. People were wrapped in blankets by the end of the meal, but everyone said it was one of the best weddings they have ever been to. One dear guest said she loved it - that every detail was perfect!

The speeches were heart-felt and wonderful. Everyone (particularly my brother and my parents) made me tear up. But the big tears came with Mark's speech. He won over just about every woman in the place with his words. There wasn't a dry eye in the house. Just after that, my Uncle Jim (the MC) told everyone that they could go inside where it was warmer to dance. They were inside in seconds and then we danced the night away! (Largely because there wasn't anywhere to sit so people just shrugged their shoulders and danced.)

You forget sometimes how much you love people. I've not spoken much about my parents here because they are going to get another whole post to themselves. But the wedding just filled my soul to the brim with love for all of the beloved faces who were standing there smiling as I walked down the aisle. The love we were a part of that day and in the days since from those dear ones who couldn't attend or who we couldn't invite, humbles me. It was truly the best day of my life - so far!

xo

in retrospect

2008-10-12T14:15:00.008+01:00

"I am here alone for the first time in weeks, to take up my "real" life again at last. That is what is strange - that friends, even passionate love, are not my real life unless there is time alone in which to explore and discover what is happening or has happened." - May Sarton

Mark and I looked at each other on Friday and said, "What just happened?" But it was the best sort of what-just-happened I have ever had! For more than two weeks we have been going solid, and it occurred to me this morning that I needed to sit and write it down before I began to forget things. Although everyone said our wedding would be a blur, I remember everything. The only thing I don't completely remember was walking down the aisle, but that was because I was too overcome with the emotion of seeing all of those beloved faces at once to concentrate on anything in particular. Then I got to Mark and I was calm again. The part I was the most afraid of was the part that was the easiest. Looking into his eyes and saying our vows was the most natural thing in the world.

I won't go into all of the details now. Mom has just gone to pick up the pictures from our photographer (these are pictures friends took) and then I will show you how perfect my bouquet was and how I couldn't stop smiling all day. I'll tell you about having the never-ending celebration and how our family and friends outdid themselves in the 'participation' part of the wedding. I'll tell you how it was the very best day/ weekend of my life so far! I can't wait to catch up - I've missed you - we have a lot to catch up on!

Here are a few pictures. I hope you like them! So... how have YOU been?

All of me.

2008-10-02T13:51:00.007+01:00

"For a long time, she flew only when she thought no one else was watching." - Brian Andreas

I spent a few minutes with myself this morning. I have a series of books that I call my "Anything Books." They are hard-backed, lined notebooks in different colours and I have been filling them with anything for 18 years. They are filled with quotes, cards, poems, photographs, anything that I thought was something that I wanted to keep safe.

Caught up in a swirl of wedding preparation, I have been feeling off-kilter and I didn't really appreciate why. I opened one of these books today looking for a quote and I was confronted by my self. I remember so much of putting things into these books. I remember how I felt when I glued in a picture of my grandparents or stuck in a sticker from my favorite band. The older book is written in pink or purple pen and is full of stickers and SARK quotes written in the same colours SARK used. The newer one is slightly more reserved in shades of green and black, but the pictures and cards and quotes are the same - things, people and sentiments that I have loved - and it still speaks in the same way. "Here I am, this is who I am." I didn't understand at the time that I was creating myself. I understand it now.

I realized this morning that there is one thing I have left out of the preparation. I have forgotten to spend a little bit of time with the dreaming girl that I was. Most of the romance of the day is about her after all! I am going to be sleeping alone the night before the wedding and I think that she and I will have a little date. I need to whisper in the dark and tell her that she really did find her prince charming, and that reality of him is so much better than she ever thought. I need to tell her that falling in love is easier than we thought back then, and that every mistake and choice that we cried about brought us here - and here is good. I need to tell her that thanks to her message today, I will remember that being in love is the whole point.

That's it. We're off on the wedding weekend! Love to you all, and I will see you when I am a Mrs.

"For angels and lovers, everything sparkles." - Marianne Williamson (from my second Anything Book)

The Final Countdown!!

2008-09-29T12:22:00.004+01:00

"Let there be spaces in your togetherness." - Kahlil Gibran

I think about this quote that is often used at weddings and I giggle. Yesterday I needed so much 'space in our togetherness' that I went shopping - alone! Wedding prep. has gone into maximum overdrive. There has only been one real 'Bridezilla' moment, but I stand by it. Other than that, the only sign that things are a bit stressful is a small twitch in the corner of my left eye that won't go away.

I feel like I am boring you with all of the details, but blogging is about our lives and this is certainly my life right now. It's strange to be the centre of attention so much. My brother keeps saying, "Suck it up and enjoy it for the week!" So I am trying to let go and enjoy people making a fuss. I am weirded out by some things, like the train on my dress and the whole head table looking like an interview panel thing. (I've kept the train and nixed the interview panel!) But on the whole I am looking forward to The Weekend with a healthy mix of excitement and nerves.

I've been cosmically ordering a warm, sunny day, and all of the elderly people in my grandmother's building are praying for sun for us, so we're good for weather! The leaves are changing colour rapidly, the menu is set, the first song is chosen, the cake has been tasted, the dress has been fit, the tuxes (complete with top hats, canes & white gloves - HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA) are arriving, the yellow school bus is booked, the photographer has been to the site, the hotel is booked, the presents have started to arrive (VERY FUN!) and I think we are on track for the rest of the week! Now if I could just do something about the twitch in the corner of my eye...

xo

Last one from here!

2008-09-22T07:08:00.003+01:00

"Is there any other paper-related preparation that needs doing?" - Mark, speaking to me last night just before I told him about one more place card.

These are our beautiful menus! Mark has made them by hand. He's also made all of our table centre-pieces and our place cards. We're moving on to order of service. If you can see in the background of this picture, our house is a disaster! We are so very prepared and so very not prepared at the same time!

I'm writing this at 6:00am because I know I will not really get another chance to write until after we are in Canada. We fly home on Wednesday. This will be followed by dress fittings, hair and make-up trials, dinners, cake tasting, flower buying, and hopefully one or two breakfasts with my parents. Mom's birthday is on the 25th (Happy Birthday Mom!) and so all-in-all it is going to be a crazy few weeks! The wedding is on the 4th of October at 5:00pm Toronto time.

I was talking to two friends last night who are coming and I got really really excited! Ever since I was a little girl I only wanted two things from my wedding day. I wanted to wear a pretty dress (check!) and I wanted to have everyone I loved in the same room. I'm wearing a lovely dress and I will have most of the people I love in one place. A few couldn't come, a few are no longer with us, and a few of you didn't fall into the "OK Meghan, you have to have MET the person in PERSON" category! - giggle - but it's a wonderful group of loved ones that will be there. I well up even now at the thought of looking out at all of those dear dear faces in one place. I'm not sure I'll be able to keep it together. But BOY am I looking forward to it!!!!!

So that's it from me until we reach Canada. (I'll try to post from there!) Give a wink in the direction of Toronto on the 4th if you think about us!

xo

thought on a Sunday morning

2008-09-21T07:48:00.002+01:00

You can always tell an old soul by how friendly they are to trees.

Very, very -
The Universe

I'll be back later with a bigger post, but I loved this and wanted to share. Happy Sunday to you!

xo

tamed.

2008-09-15T18:53:00.007+01:00

"It is only with the heart that one can see rightly; what is essential is invisible to the eye." - Antoine de Saint Exupéry

For the past few weeks, there has been a small rabbit spending its days on the lawn at work. I work in a place that is quite busy, but this little soul comes bravely out onto the lawn and chews his way through the day. His eyes are bright and alert, his body tense, but still he sits and nibbles on the grass for hours.

Tonight as I locked up I stood and watched him for a few minutes. He knew I was there, but he was unconcerned. I slowly stepped closer, talking and whispering to him as I moved. When I was just a few feet away, we stood and looked at each other for a little while before he turned and hopped a few feet farther away. I smiled. As much as I wanted to get closer, I realized that it was safer for him to be a little bit afraid.

I stayed watched him for a little longer and a line from The Little Prince echoed through my head: "You become responsible forever for what you have tamed." I have been thinking a lot about relationships over the past few months. Getting married and creating a guest list, losing a dear friend to cancer, and making friends with people half a world away have brought up all kinds of ideas about the nature of relationships. There is another quote I love:

"People come and go in life, but they never leave our dreams. Once they are in your subconscious, they are immortal." - Patricia Hampl

I don't think that we take this responsibility seriously enough. When we tame someone or something, we have a part of them with us forever. We matter to them and they matter to us. I am about to promise to love, honour and cherish someone, but at the same time we will be surrounded by people who I also love, honour and cherish. I get goosebumps when I think of how much love I will feel on that day. Then I get goosebumps when I think about all of the love I can feel every day if I just stop and pay attention.

Why do we sometimes forget something so incredible?

And he went back to meet the fox.

"Goodbye," he said.

"Goodbye," said the fox. "And now here is my secret, a very simple secret: It is only with the heart that one can see rightly; what is essential is invisible to the eye."

"What is essential is invisible to the eye," the little prince repeated, so that he would be sure to remember.

"It is the time you have wasted for your rose that makes your rose so important."

"It is the time I have wasted for my rose--" said the little prince, so that he would be sure to remember.

"Men have forgotten this truth," said the fox. "But you must not forget it. You become responsible, forever, for what you have tamed. You are responsible for your rose . . ."

"I am responsible for my rose," the little prince repeated, so that he would be sure to remember.

- From The Little Prince by Antoine de Saint Exupéry - read more here.

xo

P.S. I loved this post and this post today and wanted to share!

message from myself

2008-09-12T08:59:00.003+01:00

"Thank you for all of the good things that are happening in my life right now."

Fifteen years ago I sat on the floor of my bedroom and wrote a list of affirmations. I have no memory of where they came from or why I needed them at that moment, but I wrote them out dutifully and carefully with a black felt-tip pen. I spelled 'which' wrong, but at some point since then, I fixed it with a scribble.

I know this because this piece of paper has followed me around ever since. I don't intend to carry it with me, and I don't consciously look for it, but it follows me anyway. Through many bag packings and many moves, it has stayed in my life. Every time I find it, I wonder what it is. I unfold it, read it, smile, shake my head at its appearance, and then fold it up and put it aside again. I always expect that that will be the last time I see it. Many pieces of paper have come and gone without thought. I am forever losing things. But this piece follows me everywhere, popping up in piles at the strangest times, often in a pile where I know it wasn't before.

This morning I found it again in a pile of wedding stuff. I don't know how it got there. It wasn't there yesterday. It is tattered and worn around the edges and the paper has become soft with repeated reading. I think maybe it is trying to tell me something! I read it again, smiling at the message sent from my 18 year old self. It begins with, "I accept myself unconditionally right now." I think that when I am finished writing this, I am going to have a cup of tea and finally really listen to her. She seems to know what she's talking about. Was the reason it has stayed with me that it was waiting for my 33 year old self to get the message? Well, I finally got it, and today I am sharing some of it with you. Maybe she was writing to one of you, too.

Have a wonderful day.

(This is written exactly as it is on the page. With apologies to anyone who might have written these first - I don't know where I got them! )

"I accept myself unconditionally right now."

"Infinite spirit, give me a definite lead, reveal to me my perfect self-expression. Show me which talent I am to make use of now."

"I am intending vibrant health." (30 consecutive nights just before sleep.) ("Intend" other things at other times of the day!)

"Thank you for all of the good things that are happening in my life right now."

"Please guide me towards finding what is beautiful, whole, and genuine within myself and help me express this awareness. I ask for the grace to share my individuality with ease. Help me to know that when I do express who I am that I am making a contribution to the well being of everyone around me."

"I love and respect myself"

- meg.

Wedding Land

2008-09-06T10:28:00.004+01:00

Piglet sidled up to Pooh from behind.
"Pooh!" he whispered.
"Yes, Piglet?"
"Nothing," said Piglet, taking Pooh's paw. "I just wanted to be sure of you." - A.A.Milne

There are wonderful things and there are stressful things in our life right now. There are books and jobs and families and websites and money worries and the wedding all swirling around our heads at an increasing speed. Our vision has become wobbly, and it was all getting to be a bit too much for me yesterday.

That shifted this morning when I woke up and looked over at my sleeping sweetheart and I realized that I need to keep our life in perspective. No matter what else happens, all of this is about us. We have made the choice to do things a bit differently. We have made the choice to be brave and to follow our dreams. Why am I expecting that that will be easy? (We hadn't expected it all to be happening at once, however!)

What matters here is that I love him and he loves me and that we are living our lives bravely and honestly. If we can keep hold of that and use that as the lens through which we see our current situation, I think that our vision will steady and we really will live happily ever after.

xo

hard hard hard hard HARD.

2008-08-29T14:27:00.001+01:00

I lost the plot today. Completely. We are talking sitting in a ball on my kitchen step, tears rolling down my cheeks LOST IT. Yesterday I was on top of the world. Inspiration abounded, a friend wrote me an amazing response to my book, and things were just going right. Today, I lost it.

Every book you read about getting published tells you how HARD it is to get published. If I read the term 'slush pile' one more time, I think I am going to be sick. Hard, hard, hard, hard, hard. I'll tell you what is hard - weeding through all of that crap and still feeling like you have a snowflake's chance you know where of getting published.

My big wall? The synopsis. Everything I read tells me something different. All I want is for my book to get out there and apparently that hinges on whether or not my synopsis catches the eye enough to make someone read further. And this, my friends, has reduced me to tears. I write this because people keep saying how excited and full of excitement for my life I seem to be. I am that, but I am also a big bundle of nerves and fears and insecurities who has written a 70,000 word novel but can't sit down to write 1,500 words about that novel. It sounds so dumb to say that this has reduced me to tears but there it is.

So I have given up for today. I am feeling sad and small and in need of a good hot shower. When it gets so hard that tears come, it's time to take a break.

P.S. Does anyone know how to write a synopsis?

Amazing Women

2008-08-28T20:34:00.008+01:00

"Do something that you will remember with pride and passion until the end of your days." - Rob Brezsny

I wanted to wait to write again until I had finished my project and sent out my manuscript but today I just feel SO FULL of joy and gratitude, I just had to share it with you! Today, my story of creation does not matter as much as the creations of some other amazing inspiring women. There is something in the air right now! I believe that magic goes out into the universe whenever someone puts something of themselves out there, and right now there just seems to be so much magic!!

First, I need to direct you to my dear friend Letha's site. She is one of the most incredible women I have ever met. Denise has written a beautiful tribute here that gives you some idea of how amazing Letha is. Her project is called Wrap Up Africa. I've already been and bought a gorgeous skirt from them. I shake my head every time I think of the goodness that Letha and her partners are bringing into the world. I am in awe and so honoured to be her friend. Please go there and buy a skirt if you can. Every little bit helps.

Next, I want to send you to buy an amazing book! (I've 'borrowed' this picture from Denise!) A few years ago I was an avid reader of a couple of blogs. One in particular inspired me to reach out and grab what I wanted from my life. I knew that I wanted to be as honest and real a writer as she was. It was she that inspired me to start my own blog. From that decision my life was changed forever. I have deep, wide, rich friendships with women all over the world and I have become a better, braver writer. When I saw that she was bravely creating and publishing her own book I knew that it was going to be a real gift to the world. My beautiful copy arrived today, smelling of playdough and whispering beautiful secrets. It's absolutely wonderful. I recommend it!

I also wanted to draw your attention to Jessie's site. Jessie is the brains behind the Be Brave project. As she has gone through her own brave journey, Jessie's life has been changed by a few meetings with incredible souls. I go to her site every day to see what else she has been up to. She is an inspiration and a true friend. Please go and see what she is doing now.

There is more! I can also tell you how BRAVE my friend Susannah is being by changing her life and moving to a whole new city! Or how this dear soul is moving COUNTRIES! Or that Dar's words continue to move me in wonderful ways, or that I am purple with envy that I won't be able to go to this feisty tribal council, or that this blog is a new find that I am loving more and more every day, or that this blog stretches me in ways I never expect.

Thank you for the gifts of your words, your art, your thoughts, your inspiration and your bravery. What an amazing world we are living in my friends! I'll be back with news of me on Monday.

Have a delicious weekend.

xo

peeking in...

2008-08-17T12:18:00.004+01:00

“You will achieve grand dream, a day at a time, so set goals for each day / not long and difficult projects, but chores that will take you, step by step, toward your rainbow. Write them down, if you must, but limit your list so that you won't have to drag today's undone matters into tomorrow. Remember that you cannot build your pyramid in twenty-four hours. Be patient. Never allow your day to become so cluttered that you neglect your most important goal / to do the best you can, enjoy this day, and rest satisfied with what you have accomplished.” - Og Mandino

I'm just peeking in for a visit while we take a little break. I am working on lots of things, and those things all seem to be almost done, but this morning we are watching the Olympics over a big breakfast instead of working. Nothing makes me more homesick than the Olympics. Understandably the BBC is showing all British athletes, but I just want to see a Canadian. sigh.

Other than that, things are busy! Our wedding is in less than seven weeks! SEVEN! Our website is days from completion, comments from readers of my manuscript have been incredible, and I've started a new project. It all seems to be happening at once!

I was thinking about all of this movement today. 2 1/2 years ago I started this blog. I made connections with lots of incredible women, and it makes me grin wide to see how far we have all come. This blog has opened up my relationships with family and friends, it has given me the courage to finish my book, and it has brought kindred spirits into my life. What a strange gift for a public diary to give. I am so grateful!! That's really all I came to say today!

Now it's off to work again, but not before I've found the Canadian men's 8 rowers winning gold on YouTube. I heard they all sang the national anthem on the podium - WELL DONE gents! I love it when athletes do that!!

For more inspiration!
... this delicious article by Leonie.
... and Jamie is hosting another Circe's Circle - she is one of my very first blog friends. She has changed SO MUCH of her life since then and she constantly inspires me!!
... and Ruby is back!!
... and my secret pre-wedding pleasure! (Gulp. It's SO SOON.)
... and this wonderful site is worth bookmarking!

now back to work for me... see you in September!!

xo

hitting pause

2008-07-31T07:52:00.003+01:00

"We have been given a new story. When it is time for a new story to emerge, holding on to the past... only intensifies our dilemma." - Margaret J. Wheatley

For the past few weeks I have felt quiet. With so much going on, I expected to feel excitable and frantic, but I don't. I feel quiet. I have three projects that need my energy and a wedding to plan and a friend to grieve, so I think I have pulled all of my energy into myself.

I am past the help of my books. I am past the help of my blog. I am afraid I realized this morning that I JUST NEED TO GET THIS STUFF DONE. Be brave is about doing something every day that scares you. Well, it scares me to stop procrastinating and just get these projects into the world. So that is what I am doing. I am taking a few weeks to pull my energy in and use it where it will help me the most.

Have a delicious, wonderful, divine, soul-full August. Keep me posted on you and wish me luck!

Be Brave

2008-07-25T09:45:00.005+01:00

“The great thing in the world is not so much where we stand, as in what direction we are moving.” - Oliver Wendell Holmes

Isn't this picture amazing? Mark and I were walking through the woods and I realized that everything on the right was old growth forest. It was lush and wild and green and gnarled and magical. Everything on the left had been planted to replace forest that had been cut down. It was dry and brittle and contained.

Be brave started this week. I have been working on a project that is the bravest thing I have ever done but I can't talk about it until it's ready. Baby steps every day are bringing me closer to its launch. Last night I took a brave step and asked my boss to read my book when my latest revisions are finished. But brave for me this week is like this picture. I am walking a path between lush and wild or dry and contained. Brave means making the most alive and vital choice every time. No matter which way I go I will get to the end of the path, but if I make the brave decisions, the journey will be a lot more interesting.

Be brave today. Do one thing today that scares you.

help! (updated!)

2008-07-22T07:40:00.005+01:00

"Let there be spaces in your togetherness." - Kahlil Gibran

So most of you who I know about who read this are married, or have been to a wedding or two. I don't write about wedding planning very much as I know it bores a lot of people, but I need your help! I am looking for a wonderful wedding reading. We have already chosen two. One is by Robert Fulghum and the other is from a children's book (of course!) I need another one. Here is where you come in!

I have browsed every single wedding reading site out there, but I have failed to come up with the one that I want read over our tense about-to-be-married selves. Please, please, please, please, please - do you know of any fabulous pieces of writing that could be used for two people who love each other?

What I don't want:
- Kahlil Gibran (he's lovely but I read it at my brother's wedding - I want something different!)
- 1 Corinthians (I KNOW it's the thing to read but I want something different!!)
- Rumi (ditto on the something different!)

(I'm trying to make Mary Oliver fit but she's just not making it easy for me! giggle!)

So my dear creative, interesting, varied readers, please give it to me! Fill my comments with beauty and inspiration! I'm desperate here!

xo

Update: Look! Laini (my Sunday Scribblings cohort and writer extraordinaire) has been featured on the blog 'Seven Impossible Things Before Breakfast.' And if you look closely at the post, you will see MY little face there too!!!

AND SO HAS JESSIE!!!!! Look here!

my goddaughter

2008-07-19T13:06:00.003+01:00

Sometimes you fall in love when you least expect it! I've only spent about a week in total with this little person in her life. How, then, can I be so in love?

changes are afoot

2008-07-17T21:55:00.004+01:00

I've always liked that word, " afoot." I like it because it conjures up delicious images of things that are slightly unusual. Nothing ordinary is ever 'afoot.'

After months of teeth-gritting or lip-pursing or stomach-knotting or eyes rolling or suck-it-upping, we are finally getting closer to some big changes in our lives. We are finally (oh holy moly praise be FINALLY) nearly done our website. (Watch this space!) I am embracing Jessie's Be Brave Project in a way that frightens me to my toes (watch this space, too!) I am working on draft three of my book (clear a space!!) (Anyone know a good agent who would be interested in a deliciously feminine and unusual book?) AND we are getting married in 11 weeks. Yup. Change is happening whether we are ready for it or not.

I am sitting here still quite unsure about it all. I have been 'holding on' for so long that now my brain doesn't know how to do nervous excitement anymore. I have been 'muddling through' for so long that I have forgotten how to look things straight in the eye. But it is all coming. And the past few weeks have just shown me AGAIN that life and all of its ups and downs is fleeting and precious. I've known that for a long time but losing Faye has just reminded me that I must not take it all for granted. It's good stuff, this life thing. As Ferris Bueller said, "Life moves pretty fast. If you don't stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it!"

For over three years we have been working towards these dreams. We had forgotten to stop and look around. We didn't realize how close things were until this week. It has felt never-ending. But changes are afoot, my friends! Lots of them are coming. Just wait'll you see!!

(I needed some inspiration so I picked up book and opened it to a random page. Here is what I found:

"Push yourself beyond when you think you are done with what you have to say. Go a little further. Sometimes when you think you are done, it is just the edge of the beginning. Probably that's why we decide we're done. It's getting too scary. We are touching down onto something real. It is beyond the point when you think you are done that something strong comes out... I give this advice out of pure experience. Go further than you think you can." - Natalie Goldberg, Writing Down the Bones

OOh, goosebumps! Thank you Natalie!)

xo

[UPDATE: Have you seen this? Go here and look around. I think I am going to sign up when I start my Be Brave challenge.)

something light -

2008-07-12T12:30:00.003+01:00

Hi there -

Thank you for all of the kind emails and thoughts. I have been laying low and coming to terms with it all. Today I was in need of something a little lighter and a little m0re beautiful in my world, so I lurked around some blogs and finally spent some time doing a meme that I found at Claudia's site.

(NOTE: if you are going to do this, make sure that you join up to the mosaic maker site first! I spent a long time doing it and then had to join & lost everything!)

Here´s how you do it...
type your answer to each of the questions below into Flickr search, using only the first page, choose an image, copy and paste each of the URL’s into the mosaic maker (3 columns, 4 rows).

The questions:
1. What is your first name?
2. What is your favorite food?
3. What high school did you attend?
4. What is your favorite color?
5. Who is your celebrity crush?
6. Favorite drink?
7. Dream vacation?
8. Favorite dessert?
9. What do you want to be when you grow up?
10.What do you love most in life?
11. One word to describe you.
12. Your Flickr name.

The links to the pictures in my mosaic:
1. Meghan's Fireflower, 2. Our new favorite Sushi Bar, 3. Bryan Adams and Keith Scott, 4. ♫ black crowned night heron from bali♫, (but I chose red!)5. Gerard Butler, 6. Tea Corner..., 7. Pinnawala Elephant Orphanage, 8. Meyer Lemon Tarts, 9. flying... inspired, 10. ...more time for books, 11. uniquely unique..., 12. Blue fairy wings back view

goodbye my friend

2008-07-10T22:10:00.003+01:00

"People come and go in your life but they never leave your dreams. Once they are in your subconscious, they are immortal." - Patricia Hampl

In the summer of 1991 I was working at a summer camp in Canada. One night in the middle of 'Training Week' I was sitting on the railing outside of the Dining Hall when two people came out. One was my friend Jason and the other was a girl named Faye. We hadn't spoken very much that week, but she asked me if I had a hair elastic. I said I had lots in my cabin so we set off across the field together. From that small, ordinary conversation grew one of the best friendships of my life.

I remember sitting in cabins and talking into the night. I remember talking to her every Wednesday night when we were home from camp. I remember taking long ridiculous road trips to visit her, just so we could see the look on her face when we showed up unexpectedly. I remember that whenever she arrived somewhere, the atmosphere changed. She always filled me with expectation. You never knew what she was going to say or how she was going to say it. I remember how she sat with me at another friend's funeral and held my hand. I remember how there was never anyone else like her in the world.

There are some people in your life who you think will always be there. There are a group of girls who are friends from that time - Faye, Karen, Cindy, Colleen, Gerb, and me. We don't talk for months - sometimes years - at a time, but as soon as we get together it's like we have never been apart. We click. We get each other. We know that no matter what, we are there for each other. Other friends have come and gone, but these girls have always been a constant in my life. I love them. Somehow I thought they would always be there.

A year ago Faye was diagnosed with breast cancer. She fought it and she beat it. Last night I found out that three weeks ago she went back for a check up and it was back. Last night I also found out that she had lost this particular fight. She was 32.

Dear Faye,
Thank you for being my friend. I am braver and sillier and smarter and more honest because I knew you. I will miss you for the rest of my life. I promise not to take that life for granted. I am sorry I didn't get the chance to say all of this in person. I hope you knew how much you were loved by us all. I hope you know it now. I love you.

xo

your life is waiting.

2008-07-09T20:34:00.003+01:00

Go here. Trust me.

a poem.

2008-07-05T10:24:00.003+01:00

The letter
the night
writes to you
with the last drop
of dreams,
(unfinished sentences
disappearing
on crumbling paper)
is addressed
to a grave,
a hole in the ground
where shovels
scoop debris
from past to future,
and the present
is blown away
like the dust
you breathed
standing in a cloud
watching the rubble
the boundary stones
of your life removed.

- Keith Althaus

life.

2008-07-05T09:50:00.005+01:00

"There is, as Emerson says, some central idea or conception of yourself by which all the facts of your life are arranged and classified. Change this central idea and you change the arrangement or classification of all the facts and circumstances of your life." - Wallace Wattles

There are some people out there who believe in the power of cosmic ordering completely. There are others out there who scoff at it and can't believe that they 'brought this on themselves.' Sometimes shit happens and we just can't get our head around it. Those people then shake their heads and say that things like "The Secret" can't be right. How can we possibly believe that that someone caused something so awful to happen to them?

I don't have any answers to that, but my own life has been changing in the past few years, and when I read the quote I have shared by Wallace Wattles, something finally clicked into place so loud I even heard the click. I get it. I can't believe it took me this long. It's not about wishing for something so hard that you magically get it. It's not about wanting something and thinking you already have it. It's not about that at all. In fact, those things are the quickest way to sit on your ass and have nothing happen.

Reading Wattles' quote again I can see that we have a far greater task in all of this. Somewhere at our core we have a belief about ourselves that holds us down. It's the belief that we are the most afraid of. It's the belief that makes us cry. To make it metaphoric, I'll say we believe we can't fly. So we don't. Our job is to excavate that belief. Our job is to be brave enough to find out what it is and what is keeping us from being at peace deep deep down. It is that thing that is keeping us from being happy as we are. When we can be happy as we are then we will make choices and be confident enough to work those asses we were sitting on off in the direction of our goals. We will stop doubting ourselves. We will be focused on learning to fly. That is the real secret.

And shit will still happen. But if we aren't already stuck in a pile of our own shit we will be better able to deal with it when it does.

"Our desires presage the capacities within us; they are harbingers of what we shall be able to accomplish. What we can do and want to do is projected in our imagination, quite outside ourselves, and into the future. We are attracted to what is already ours in secret. Thus passionate anticipation transforms what is indeed possible into dreamt-for reality." - Emerson

beauty

2008-06-28T11:29:00.008+01:00

"All this beauty; You might have to close your eyes." - The Weepies

We went for a walk yesterday and found a huge field full of foxgloves. The whole time we were walking, I had the Weepies in my head, so today I thought I'd share some of that beauty with you!

All this beauty;
You might have to close your eyes
And slowly open wide
All this beauty;
We traveled all night
We drank the ocean dry
And watched the sun rise...

You can ask about it
But nobody knows the way
No bread-crumb trail
To follow through your days
It takes an axe sometimes
A feather in the sunshine
And bad weather
It's a matter of getting deeper in
Anyway you can

All this beauty;
You might have to close your eyes
And slowly open wide
All this beauty;
We traveled all night
We drank the ocean dry
And watched the sun rise...

I can see you're new, awake
Let me assure you, friend
Every day is ice cream and chocolate cake
And what you make of it
Let me just say
You get what you take
From it, so be amazed
Whenever you stop...
You gotta be brave.

All this beauty;
You might have to close your eyes
And slowly open wide (all this beauty)
And watch the sun rise.

- Lyrics by The Weepies

a message from myself

2008-06-24T08:05:00.003+01:00

Books I've Known

2008-06-20T08:58:00.011+01:00

"You are the same today as you will be five years from now except for two things... the people you meet and the books you read." - Charles E. Jones

Over two years ago I wrote a post about my favorite children's books. The next day I sat down and wrote a post about my favorite grown-up books. I just found those posts when I was looking for something else and my direction for today changed! Reading through an Oprah magazine last night I saw the part where they ask celebrities which book made a difference to them. Today I have decided to hone my own lists down as far as I can. Today I am going to show you five books that have really made a difference in my life, and then I would love it if you would share yours with me!

My Oprah Magazine Bookshelf:

1. A Creative Companion by SARK.

My first SARK book was "Living Juicy." I remember seeing one of her posters on my friend Karen's wall and loving it. In fact, I remember sitting on Karen's bed writing the whole thing into my quote book. So I bought "Living Juicy" when I saw it. "A Creative Companion" was bought for me by my brother. (Thank you David!!) I couldn't believe that books like that could be in the world. I sat on the floor in my room and gulped it whole and then reread it again and again. Without a doubt, SARK and her books changed my life.

2. Chocolat by Joanne Harris

I love everything about this book. It's another book that made me think: "Writers can write like this??" It's enchanting and engaging and enticing all at once. She mixes magic and reality with such grace that it is all believable. I defy anyone to read this book and not want to spend a few hours at Vianne's counter. This book made me believe in the power of magic and in the power of writing. My biggest gift was when someone read my new book and said it was like Chocolat mixed with The Alchemist. Someday I would like to sip tea with Joanne Harris so that I can thank her for putting this and her other equally good books into the world! (P.S. This link will take you to a page where she talks about how she writes. I love reading about how other people work!)

3. Women Who Run With the Wolves by Dr. Clarissa Pinkola Estes .

The first time I read this book I was house-sitting for a friend. I had just come back from England (where I had gone to try to understand myself) and was feeling very alone and isolated in a house that wasn't mine. I went to the women's bookstore in town and came home with this book. To say it changed my life is an understatement. The first time I read it, I did it cover-to-cover, underlining passages and making tiny stars in the corners of the pages I wanted to make sure I went back to. The second and third times I read it I dipped in and out, underlining more passages and making more stars. When I moved to the UK again I bought myself another copy and started from scratch, underlining and breathing through it. I love that I am growing and leaving myself messages on the pages of this book. It changed my life because I found that that feeling I was having of not quite knowing what was missing was normal. It changed my life because it is unashamedly and unabashedly FEMALE in everything it is. I had never read anything that celebrated that part of me - of women - before. It's the book that I keep beside my bed and dip into for answers. It has become the old woman whose lap I crawl up to in the firelight.

4. New and Selected Poems by Mary Oliver

It's really ANY poems by Mary Oliver, but I had to choose just one book. I am slightly ashamed to admit it, but sometimes I find poetry quite hard to read. I love beautiful things and I like to let language carry me away and poetry sometimes feels like too much hard work. There are some poets, though, that leave me feeling altered after I have read their words. Mary Oliver is one of those people. She gets it. She sees it. She knows. I know lots of people reading this will be nodding. She's like the poet in residence of this particular corner of the blog world. Quite simply, her poems are wonderful.

5. Fruitflesh by Gayle Brandeis

There are lots of books on writing out there, and believe me when I say I have read them ALL. This book is different. This book is so full of life and inspiration it practically drips when you pick it up. It is a recent addition to my bookshelf, but it has had a massive impact on me in a short time. It doesn't fill you with technicalities, it fills you with the juice and the joy and the sensuality of writing. My copy has become dog eared and covered with stars and lines where I have been inspired and overcome. She writes about getting ourselves out of our heads and back into our skin. I always give a little shiver of pleasure when I am finished. I don't think it is just good for writing, I think artists of all kinds would really be inspired by what she has written.

So there it is. My five books. I have left out hundreds. I didn't even GO to children's books this time! There are so many more books that have impacted on my life. I haven't even added Christiane Northrup or Louise Hay or Caroline Myss. (I think those three ladies will be a whole other post on their own!)

(This is also my fantasy tea party: SARK, Joanne Harris, Dr. Clarissa Pinkola Estes, Mary Oliver, Gayle Brandeis, Dr. Christiane Northup, Louise Hay and Caroline Myss. These are all women I admire and would love to meet someday. I'd make delicious food and get out the most beautiful teacups and be in fiesty, creative heaven!)

So what is YOUR 'Oprah' booklist?

a cryptic post

2008-06-17T20:26:00.006+01:00

"My darling girl, when are you going to understand that normal isn't a virtue? It rather denotes a lack of courage" - Practical Magic (the movie)

Sometimes it is easier to do what we are supposed to do. It is easier to be afraid of the things that other people are afraid of. It is easier to be tangled up in the rules and regulations, the musts and the must-nots, and the 'never done it that way befores.' It is easy to listen to everything except the voice deep inside of yourself.

Sometimes it feels too hard. There's no path to follow when no one has shown us the way, and just because you are forging your own path does not mean that you can't get stuck there. There are ruts in that path, too. These ruts are harder to get out of because they are the ones that we have made for ourselves.

Sometimes the step that is needed isn't a step at all. Sometimes you need to stop being afraid or nervous or worried or jealous or stuck and take a good look around and ask yourself, 'what would be the biggest, bravest, boldest, greatest thing I could do next? What would be the greatest thing since sliced bread?' Then you need to just do it.

Why the cryptic post? I can't explain*, but what I will say is this: just do it. Do what? Whatever it is your soul is telling you to do. You never know how the seeds you plant will change your life. If you don't dare and risk and leap and dance and DO what your soul hunches tell you to do, your dreams WILL NEVER HAPPEN.

Never.

... and never is a lot scarier than leaping after your dreams is!

xo

*(Explanation: a good thing happened after I took the most enormous leap you can imagine, but I won't talk about work on here so I can't elaborate - but trust me - THINK BIG!)

WHO AM I?????

2008-06-13T10:22:00.002+01:00

"Fanciful weddings are imaginative and creative."/
"You are a Classic bride in the tradition of Princess Di, Grace Kelly and Jackie O." - Susie Coehlo

I have been struggling with wedding planning. It's not because I don't enjoy it or because I am worried about lots of things or even because I am thousands of miles away from where I am getting married. I am struggling because I can't really decide what kind of wedding it is going to be.

I am torn between elegant and quirky. In one breath I want it to be whimsical and delicious and in another I am looking for elegant and lovely. I know that those things aren't exclusive of each other, but I am scared that what will happen on the day will be a muddle of neither.

So when I found an online quiz that was supposed to tell me what sort of wedding I should have, I happily answered the questions. My results? I should plan a fanciful wedding. YAY! But then I went through my results and at the bottom it said: "You came close to another style: Classic." GIGGLE. So I guess I was right to be confused!!

Well the FANCIFUL invitations have gone out. (I wish I could have invited lots of you - but I was under firm instructions that it must be people I have met in PERSON! giggle!) I have chosen CLASSIC flowers (with a FANCIFUL twist.) My dress is CLASSIC and so are my bridesmaids'. The place is FANCIFUL, the food is CLASSIC. I guess that is what I am going to have to go for... fancifully classic. Ironically, when I read that description, it's about as me as it gets! It explains my eternal struggle with myself. Wow - it's 20 years of therapy averted - giggle.

Will you do me a favour? Will you take the quiz and let me know who you are?

xo

(P.S. Those aren't my flowers in the picture. That's a bouquet that didn't quite make the cut - not fancifully classic enough!)

quickly...

2008-06-12T22:58:00.004+01:00

“Who was the first guy that looked at a cow and said," I think that I'll drink whatever comes out of those things when I squeeze them?” - Calvin (from Calvin and Hobbs)

Don't know why I shared that quote - mostly because it made me laugh out loud and I'm feeling a bit silly tonight. Why? Well, let me tell you why!

Gonna have company this weekend!

Gonna have three women here to play with!

Can't type much because I've got to:
a) be excited
b) clean my house
c) clean my house!

(sigh...)

I'll let you know how it goes!!! Wish you could all be here too!

xo

answers

2008-06-07T09:56:00.005+01:00

"There was a time when humanity recognized itself as part of nature, and nature as part of itself. Dreaming and waking were inseparable realities; the natural and the supernatural merged and blended." - Ted Andrews

The last thing I did before going to bed last night was ask for some guidance. I don't very often remember my dreams so when I ask for help it is always with the worry that help will come and I won't remember it.

Last night I did dream. The dream was long and complicated and a lot of it is fuzzy but I remember that there were dolphins in it. The reason I remember the dream is because at the end of it I was swimming up to the surface but I couldn't get there fast enough and I woke up gasping for air. I looked up dolphins in my animal totem book and this is what it says at the end:

If dolphin has shown up as a totem, ask yourself some important questions. What are your words and thoughts creating for you? If unsure, when dolphin arises, you will soon discover. Are you getting outside and enjoying the fresh air? Are you holding in tensions? Are others? When dolphin shows up it is time to breathe some new life into yourself. Get out, play, explore and most of all breathe. - Animal Speak by Ted Andrews

Before I went to Canada I was outside every day and was working very consciously on my breathing. I felt better than I have in a long time. Since Canada I have been very stressed about some things and I have not been outside and I have been completely unconscious of my breathing.

Then this morning I opened a magazine and read this:

"How much more exciting will life become if we trust the unknown and let our lives unfold magically. I have a suspicion that when we trust the unknown our lives will progress perfectly; as if our very faith in a field of benevolent intelligence will open us up to receive the good." - Dr. Sibis Mouton

So there it is. My answers: Remember to breathe. Get outside. Play. Explore. Breathe new life into yourself. Trust the unknown.

Thank you.

i need a sign!!

2008-06-05T07:39:00.001+01:00

"i said to you the one gift which i'd adore unwrap a package of the next 10 years unfolding but you told me if i had my way i'd be bored right then i knew i loved you best born of your scolding..." - Indigo Girls, "Language or the Kiss"

I've had this lyric from the Indigo Girls floating around in my head for the past few days. I'm feeling all a-muddle lately and all I can think is that I just need enough faith in our dreams to keep going. But then I think that it would be easier if I could just know without a doubt that it was all going to work out in the end.

I've never been the type of person to read the last page of a book, but occasionally - just once in a while - I have been so distressed by the events of a story that I had to read the last paragraph just to make sure I wasn't going to be devastated by the ending. I don't ever read more than that last paragraph. I don't want to ruin the whole story, I just need a little reassurance. This is where I am right now. I feel like I just want to open this particular chapter of our lives up to the last page and check that everything is going to be okay. I just want to see how things will be in a few months. Does anyone have a crystal ball?

But then that lyric floats through my head: "but you told me if I had my way I be bored" and I understand that we don't get to know. I have always taken the road slightly less traveled. How right is it for me to chase my dreams into the sunset and then to ask what time that sunset is expected? But it is here that I am sitting. I don't want to know what's going to happen in my life. I just want to know that all of this struggle and tension will be worth it. I just need a signpost or a cosmic sign. I just want to know that it's all going to be okay in the end.

language or the kiss - Indigo Girls

"i don't know if it was real or in a dream lately waking up i'm not sure where i've been there was a table set for six and five were there i stood outside and kept my eyes upon that empty chair and there was steam on the windows from the kitchen laughter like a language i once spoke with ease but i'm made mute by the virtue of decision i choose most of your life goes on without me oh the fear i've known that i might reap the praise of strangers and end up on my own all i've sown was a song but maybe i was wrong i said to you the one gift which i'd adore unwrap a package of the next 10 years unfolding but you told me if i had my way i'd be bored right then i knew i loved you best born of your scolding when we last talked we were lying on our backs looking up at the sky through the ceiling i used to lie like that alone out on the driveway trying to read the greek upon the stars the alphabet of feeling oh i knew back then it was a calling that said if joy then pain the sound of the voice these years later is still the same i am alone in a hotel room tonight i squeeze the sky out but there's not a star appears begin my studies with this paper and this pencil and i'm working through the grammar of my fears mercy what i won't give to have the things that mean the most not to mean the things i miss unforgiving the choice still is the language or the kiss"

HOME!!!

2008-05-19T18:14:00.009+01:00

I'm off to Canada!! Oh Canada! My home and native land! I am so excited.

I am planning our wedding while I am there. I have SIX days in which to get all of my planning meeting, visiting, laughing, and playing in. SIX days before I have to leave it all behind again for another few months.

The very best part of planning our wedding so far has been the creation of our invitations. They have been SO much fun! We took pictures of our faces and sent them to the very talented Laini Taylor and she made the invitation for us. (And Mark was Laini's very very first Laini's Lad - giggle!) I laugh with glee EVERY single time I look at this picture. I can't stop smiling when I think about it. Thank you Laini - from the bottom of both of our hearts!!

Wedding planning is hard. It's hard because I couldn't care LESS what cutlery is on the table. (Luckily I don't have to decide that!) It's hard because I don't want to waste money on things that DON'T MATTER. It's hard because I have to finalize the guest list and no matter what we do someone will feel left out. (And funny that I imagine that MY wedding will matter that much to someone... silly silly me.) But thank goodness that I have these 'problems.' How blessed am I that I get to marry the man I love in front of people I love and that there are so many people I love that I am worried about not having enough places to put them! I have so much gratitude when I shift my perspective!

So I am off to the Great White North. I'll leave you with some good things!

1. This post - LOOK I am a LAINI's LADY!!!! I am SO honoured that she used my face as one of her beautiful ladies! She is so talented and inspiring. What a great day!
2. This blog that I have recently found. Its title was what drew me in in the first place!
3. This blog that makes me smile wide when I go there.
4. This beautiful piece of art that I am lusting after.
5. This post - just lovely!