in retrospect

"I am here alone for the first time in weeks, to take up my "real" life again at last. That is what is strange - that friends, even passionate love, are not my real life unless there is time alone in which to explore and discover what is happening or has happened." - May Sarton

Mark and I looked at each other on Friday and said, "What just happened?" But it was the best sort of what-just-happened I have ever had! For more than two weeks we have been going solid, and it occurred to me this morning that I needed to sit and write it down before I began to forget things. Although everyone said our wedding would be a blur, I remember everything. The only thing I don't completely remember was walking down the aisle, but that was because I was too overcome with the emotion of seeing all of those beloved faces at once to concentrate on anything in particular. Then I got to Mark and I was calm again. The part I was the most afraid of was the part that was the easiest. Looking into his eyes and saying our vows was the most natural thing in the world.

I won't go into all of the details now. Mom has just gone to pick up the pictures from our photographer (these are pictures friends took) and then I will show you how perfect my bouquet was and how I couldn't stop smiling all day. I'll tell you about having the never-ending celebration and how our family and friends outdid themselves in the 'participation' part of the wedding. I'll tell you how it was the very best day/ weekend of my life so far! I can't wait to catch up - I've missed you - we have a lot to catch up on!

Here are a few pictures. I hope you like them! So... how have YOU been?

All of me.

"For a long time, she flew only when she thought no one else was watching." - Brian Andreas

I spent a few minutes with myself this morning. I have a series of books that I call my "Anything Books." They are hard-backed, lined notebooks in different colours and I have been filling them with anything for 18 years. They are filled with quotes, cards, poems, photographs, anything that I thought was something that I wanted to keep safe.

Caught up in a swirl of wedding preparation, I have been feeling off-kilter and I didn't really appreciate why. I opened one of these books today looking for a quote and I was confronted by my self. I remember so much of putting things into these books. I remember how I felt when I glued in a picture of my grandparents or stuck in a sticker from my favorite band. The older book is written in pink or purple pen and is full of stickers and SARK quotes written in the same colours SARK used. The newer one is slightly more reserved in shades of green and black, but the pictures and cards and quotes are the same - things, people and sentiments that I have loved - and it still speaks in the same way. "Here I am, this is who I am." I didn't understand at the time that I was creating myself. I understand it now.

I realized this morning that there is one thing I have left out of the preparation. I have forgotten to spend a little bit of time with the dreaming girl that I was. Most of the romance of the day is about her after all! I am going to be sleeping alone the night before the wedding and I think that she and I will have a little date. I need to whisper in the dark and tell her that she really did find her prince charming, and that reality of him is so much better than she ever thought. I need to tell her that falling in love is easier than we thought back then, and that every mistake and choice that we cried about brought us here - and here is good. I need to tell her that thanks to her message today, I will remember that being in love is the whole point.

That's it. We're off on the wedding weekend! Love to you all, and I will see you when I am a Mrs.

"For angels and lovers, everything sparkles." - Marianne Williamson (from my second Anything Book)

The Final Countdown!!

"Let there be spaces in your togetherness." - Kahlil Gibran

I think about this quote that is often used at weddings and I giggle. Yesterday I needed so much 'space in our togetherness' that I went shopping - alone! Wedding prep. has gone into maximum overdrive. There has only been one real 'Bridezilla' moment, but I stand by it. Other than that, the only sign that things are a bit stressful is a small twitch in the corner of my left eye that won't go away.

I feel like I am boring you with all of the details, but blogging is about our lives and this is certainly my life right now. It's strange to be the centre of attention so much. My brother keeps saying, "Suck it up and enjoy it for the week!" So I am trying to let go and enjoy people making a fuss. I am weirded out by some things, like the train on my dress and the whole head table looking like an interview panel thing. (I've kept the train and nixed the interview panel!) But on the whole I am looking forward to The Weekend with a healthy mix of excitement and nerves.

I've been cosmically ordering a warm, sunny day, and all of the elderly people in my grandmother's building are praying for sun for us, so we're good for weather! The leaves are changing colour rapidly, the menu is set, the first song is chosen, the cake has been tasted, the dress has been fit, the tuxes (complete with top hats, canes & white gloves - HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA) are arriving, the yellow school bus is booked, the photographer has been to the site, the hotel is booked, the presents have started to arrive (VERY FUN!) and I think we are on track for the rest of the week! Now if I could just do something about the twitch in the corner of my eye...

xo

Last one from here!

"Is there any other paper-related preparation that needs doing?" - Mark, speaking to me last night just before I told him about one more place card.

These are our beautiful menus! Mark has made them by hand. He's also made all of our table centre-pieces and our place cards. We're moving on to order of service. If you can see in the background of this picture, our house is a disaster! We are so very prepared and so very not prepared at the same time!

I'm writing this at 6:00am because I know I will not really get another chance to write until after we are in Canada. We fly home on Wednesday. This will be followed by dress fittings, hair and make-up trials, dinners, cake tasting, flower buying, and hopefully one or two breakfasts with my parents. Mom's birthday is on the 25th (Happy Birthday Mom!) and so all-in-all it is going to be a crazy few weeks! The wedding is on the 4th of October at 5:00pm Toronto time.

I was talking to two friends last night who are coming and I got really really excited! Ever since I was a little girl I only wanted two things from my wedding day. I wanted to wear a pretty dress (check!) and I wanted to have everyone I loved in the same room. I'm wearing a lovely dress and I will have most of the people I love in one place. A few couldn't come, a few are no longer with us, and a few of you didn't fall into the "OK Meghan, you have to have MET the person in PERSON" category! - giggle - but it's a wonderful group of loved ones that will be there. I well up even now at the thought of looking out at all of those dear dear faces in one place. I'm not sure I'll be able to keep it together. But BOY am I looking forward to it!!!!!

So that's it from me until we reach Canada. (I'll try to post from there!) Give a wink in the direction of Toronto on the 4th if you think about us!

xo

thought on a Sunday morning

You can always tell an old soul by how friendly they are to trees.

Very, very -
The Universe

I'll be back later with a bigger post, but I loved this and wanted to share. Happy Sunday to you!

xo

tamed.

"It is only with the heart that one can see rightly; what is essential is invisible to the eye." - Antoine de Saint Exupéry

For the past few weeks, there has been a small rabbit spending its days on the lawn at work. I work in a place that is quite busy, but this little soul comes bravely out onto the lawn and chews his way through the day. His eyes are bright and alert, his body tense, but still he sits and nibbles on the grass for hours.

Tonight as I locked up I stood and watched him for a few minutes. He knew I was there, but he was unconcerned. I slowly stepped closer, talking and whispering to him as I moved. When I was just a few feet away, we stood and looked at each other for a little while before he turned and hopped a few feet farther away. I smiled. As much as I wanted to get closer, I realized that it was safer for him to be a little bit afraid.

I stayed watched him for a little longer and a line from The Little Prince echoed through my head: "You become responsible forever for what you have tamed." I have been thinking a lot about relationships over the past few months. Getting married and creating a guest list, losing a dear friend to cancer, and making friends with people half a world away have brought up all kinds of ideas about the nature of relationships. There is another quote I love:

"People come and go in life, but they never leave our dreams. Once they are in your subconscious, they are immortal." - Patricia Hampl

I don't think that we take this responsibility seriously enough. When we tame someone or something, we have a part of them with us forever. We matter to them and they matter to us. I am about to promise to love, honour and cherish someone, but at the same time we will be surrounded by people who I also love, honour and cherish. I get goosebumps when I think of how much love I will feel on that day. Then I get goosebumps when I think about all of the love I can feel every day if I just stop and pay attention.

Why do we sometimes forget something so incredible?


And he went back to meet the fox.

"Goodbye," he said.

"Goodbye," said the fox. "And now here is my secret, a very simple secret: It is only with the heart that one can see rightly; what is essential is invisible to the eye."

"What is essential is invisible to the eye," the little prince repeated, so that he would be sure to remember.

"It is the time you have wasted for your rose that makes your rose so important."

"It is the time I have wasted for my rose--" said the little prince, so that he would be sure to remember.

"Men have forgotten this truth," said the fox. "But you must not forget it. You become responsible, forever, for what you have tamed. You are responsible for your rose . . ."

"I am responsible for my rose," the little prince repeated, so that he would be sure to remember.

- From The Little Prince by Antoine de Saint Exupéry - read more here.

xo

P.S. I loved this post and this post today and wanted to share!

message from myself

"Thank you for all of the good things that are happening in my life right now."

Fifteen years ago I sat on the floor of my bedroom and wrote a list of affirmations. I have no memory of where they came from or why I needed them at that moment, but I wrote them out dutifully and carefully with a black felt-tip pen. I spelled 'which' wrong, but at some point since then, I fixed it with a scribble.

I know this because this piece of paper has followed me around ever since. I don't intend to carry it with me, and I don't consciously look for it, but it follows me anyway. Through many bag packings and many moves, it has stayed in my life. Every time I find it, I wonder what it is. I unfold it, read it, smile, shake my head at its appearance, and then fold it up and put it aside again. I always expect that that will be the last time I see it. Many pieces of paper have come and gone without thought. I am forever losing things. But this piece follows me everywhere, popping up in piles at the strangest times, often in a pile where I know it wasn't before.

This morning I found it again in a pile of wedding stuff. I don't know how it got there. It wasn't there yesterday. It is tattered and worn around the edges and the paper has become soft with repeated reading. I think maybe it is trying to tell me something! I read it again, smiling at the message sent from my 18 year old self. It begins with, "I accept myself unconditionally right now." I think that when I am finished writing this, I am going to have a cup of tea and finally really listen to her. She seems to know what she's talking about. Was the reason it has stayed with me that it was waiting for my 33 year old self to get the message? Well, I finally got it, and today I am sharing some of it with you. Maybe she was writing to one of you, too.

Have a wonderful day.

(This is written exactly as it is on the page. With apologies to anyone who might have written these first - I don't know where I got them! )

"I accept myself unconditionally right now."

"Infinite spirit, give me a definite lead, reveal to me my perfect self-expression. Show me which talent I am to make use of now."

"I am intending vibrant health." (30 consecutive nights just before sleep.) ("Intend" other things at other times of the day!)

"Thank you for all of the good things that are happening in my life right now."

"Please guide me towards finding what is beautiful, whole, and genuine within myself and help me express this awareness. I ask for the grace to share my individuality with ease. Help me to know that when I do express who I am that I am making a contribution to the well being of everyone around me."

"I love and respect myself"

- meg.

Wedding Land

Piglet sidled up to Pooh from behind.
"Pooh!" he whispered.
"Yes, Piglet?"
"Nothing," said Piglet, taking Pooh's paw. "I just wanted to be sure of you." - A.A.Milne

There are wonderful things and there are stressful things in our life right now. There are books and jobs and families and websites and money worries and the wedding all swirling around our heads at an increasing speed. Our vision has become wobbly, and it was all getting to be a bit too much for me yesterday.

That shifted this morning when I woke up and looked over at my sleeping sweetheart and I realized that I need to keep our life in perspective. No matter what else happens, all of this is about us. We have made the choice to do things a bit differently. We have made the choice to be brave and to follow our dreams. Why am I expecting that that will be easy? (We hadn't expected it all to be happening at once, however!)

What matters here is that I love him and he loves me and that we are living our lives bravely and honestly. If we can keep hold of that and use that as the lens through which we see our current situation, I think that our vision will steady and we really will live happily ever after.

xo

hard hard hard hard HARD.

I lost the plot today. Completely. We are talking sitting in a ball on my kitchen step, tears rolling down my cheeks LOST IT. Yesterday I was on top of the world. Inspiration abounded, a friend wrote me an amazing response to my book, and things were just going right. Today, I lost it.

Every book you read about getting published tells you how HARD it is to get published. If I read the term 'slush pile' one more time, I think I am going to be sick. Hard, hard, hard, hard, hard. I'll tell you what is hard - weeding through all of that crap and still feeling like you have a snowflake's chance you know where of getting published.

My big wall? The synopsis. Everything I read tells me something different. All I want is for my book to get out there and apparently that hinges on whether or not my synopsis catches the eye enough to make someone read further. And this, my friends, has reduced me to tears. I write this because people keep saying how excited and full of excitement for my life I seem to be. I am that, but I am also a big bundle of nerves and fears and insecurities who has written a 70,000 word novel but can't sit down to write 1,500 words about that novel. It sounds so dumb to say that this has reduced me to tears but there it is.

So I have given up for today. I am feeling sad and small and in need of a good hot shower. When it gets so hard that tears come, it's time to take a break.

P.S. Does anyone know how to write a synopsis?

Amazing Women

"Do something that you will remember with pride and passion until the end of your days." - Rob Brezsny

I wanted to wait to write again until I had finished my project and sent out my manuscript but today I just feel SO FULL of joy and gratitude, I just had to share it with you! Today, my story of creation does not matter as much as the creations of some other amazing inspiring women. There is something in the air right now! I believe that magic goes out into the universe whenever someone puts something of themselves out there, and right now there just seems to be so much magic!!



First, I need to direct you to my dear friend Letha's site. She is one of the most incredible women I have ever met. Denise has written a beautiful tribute here that gives you some idea of how amazing Letha is. Her project is called Wrap Up Africa. I've already been and bought a gorgeous skirt from them. I shake my head every time I think of the goodness that Letha and her partners are bringing into the world. I am in awe and so honoured to be her friend. Please go there and buy a skirt if you can. Every little bit helps.

Next, I want to send you to buy an amazing book! (I've 'borrowed' this picture from Denise!) A few years ago I was an avid reader of a couple of blogs. One in particular inspired me to reach out and grab what I wanted from my life. I knew that I wanted to be as honest and real a writer as she was. It was she that inspired me to start my own blog. From that decision my life was changed forever. I have deep, wide, rich friendships with women all over the world and I have become a better, braver writer. When I saw that she was bravely creating and publishing her own book I knew that it was going to be a real gift to the world. My beautiful copy arrived today, smelling of playdough and whispering beautiful secrets. It's absolutely wonderful. I recommend it!

I also wanted to draw your attention to Jessie's site. Jessie is the brains behind the Be Brave project. As she has gone through her own brave journey, Jessie's life has been changed by a few meetings with incredible souls. I go to her site every day to see what else she has been up to. She is an inspiration and a true friend. Please go and see what she is doing now.

There is more! I can also tell you how BRAVE my friend Susannah is being by changing her life and moving to a whole new city! Or how this dear soul is moving COUNTRIES! Or that Dar's words continue to move me in wonderful ways, or that I am purple with envy that I won't be able to go to this feisty tribal council, or that this blog is a new find that I am loving more and more every day, or that this blog stretches me in ways I never expect.

Thank you for the gifts of your words, your art, your thoughts, your inspiration and your bravery. What an amazing world we are living in my friends! I'll be back with news of me on Monday.

Have a delicious weekend.

xo

peeking in...

“You will achieve grand dream, a day at a time, so set goals for each day / not long and difficult projects, but chores that will take you, step by step, toward your rainbow. Write them down, if you must, but limit your list so that you won't have to drag today's undone matters into tomorrow. Remember that you cannot build your pyramid in twenty-four hours. Be patient. Never allow your day to become so cluttered that you neglect your most important goal / to do the best you can, enjoy this day, and rest satisfied with what you have accomplished.” - Og Mandino

I'm just peeking in for a visit while we take a little break. I am working on lots of things, and those things all seem to be almost done, but this morning we are watching the Olympics over a big breakfast instead of working. Nothing makes me more homesick than the Olympics. Understandably the BBC is showing all British athletes, but I just want to see a Canadian. sigh.

Other than that, things are busy! Our wedding is in less than seven weeks! SEVEN! Our website is days from completion, comments from readers of my manuscript have been incredible, and I've started a new project. It all seems to be happening at once!

I was thinking about all of this movement today. 2 1/2 years ago I started this blog. I made connections with lots of incredible women, and it makes me grin wide to see how far we have all come. This blog has opened up my relationships with family and friends, it has given me the courage to finish my book, and it has brought kindred spirits into my life. What a strange gift for a public diary to give. I am so grateful!! That's really all I came to say today!

Now it's off to work again, but not before I've found the Canadian men's 8 rowers winning gold on YouTube. I heard they all sang the national anthem on the podium - WELL DONE gents! I love it when athletes do that!!

For more inspiration!
... this delicious article by Leonie.
... and Jamie is hosting another Circe's Circle - she is one of my very first blog friends. She has changed SO MUCH of her life since then and she constantly inspires me!!
... and Ruby is back!!
... and my secret pre-wedding pleasure! (Gulp. It's SO SOON.)
... and this wonderful site is worth bookmarking!

now back to work for me... see you in September!!

xo

hitting pause

"We have been given a new story. When it is time for a new story to emerge, holding on to the past... only intensifies our dilemma." - Margaret J. Wheatley

For the past few weeks I have felt quiet. With so much going on, I expected to feel excitable and frantic, but I don't. I feel quiet. I have three projects that need my energy and a wedding to plan and a friend to grieve, so I think I have pulled all of my energy into myself.

I am past the help of my books. I am past the help of my blog. I am afraid I realized this morning that I JUST NEED TO GET THIS STUFF DONE. Be brave is about doing something every day that scares you. Well, it scares me to stop procrastinating and just get these projects into the world. So that is what I am doing. I am taking a few weeks to pull my energy in and use it where it will help me the most.

Have a delicious, wonderful, divine, soul-full August. Keep me posted on you and wish me luck!

Be Brave

“The great thing in the world is not so much where we stand, as in what direction we are moving.” - Oliver Wendell Holmes

Isn't this picture amazing? Mark and I were walking through the woods and I realized that everything on the right was old growth forest. It was lush and wild and green and gnarled and magical. Everything on the left had been planted to replace forest that had been cut down. It was dry and brittle and contained.

Be brave started this week. I have been working on a project that is the bravest thing I have ever done but I can't talk about it until it's ready. Baby steps every day are bringing me closer to its launch. Last night I took a brave step and asked my boss to read my book when my latest revisions are finished. But brave for me this week is like this picture. I am walking a path between lush and wild or dry and contained. Brave means making the most alive and vital choice every time. No matter which way I go I will get to the end of the path, but if I make the brave decisions, the journey will be a lot more interesting.

Be brave today. Do one thing today that scares you.

help! (updated!)

"Let there be spaces in your togetherness." - Kahlil Gibran

So most of you who I know about who read this are married, or have been to a wedding or two. I don't write about wedding planning very much as I know it bores a lot of people, but I need your help! I am looking for a wonderful wedding reading. We have already chosen two. One is by Robert Fulghum and the other is from a children's book (of course!) I need another one. Here is where you come in!

I have browsed every single wedding reading site out there, but I have failed to come up with the one that I want read over our tense about-to-be-married selves. Please, please, please, please, please - do you know of any fabulous pieces of writing that could be used for two people who love each other?

What I don't want:
- Kahlil Gibran (he's lovely but I read it at my brother's wedding - I want something different!)
- 1 Corinthians (I KNOW it's the thing to read but I want something different!!)
- Rumi (ditto on the something different!)

(I'm trying to make Mary Oliver fit but she's just not making it easy for me! giggle!)

So my dear creative, interesting, varied readers, please give it to me! Fill my comments with beauty and inspiration! I'm desperate here!

xo

Update: Look! Laini (my Sunday Scribblings cohort and writer extraordinaire) has been featured on the blog 'Seven Impossible Things Before Breakfast.' And if you look closely at the post, you will see MY little face there too!!!

AND SO HAS JESSIE!!!!! Look here!

my goddaughter

Sometimes you fall in love when you least expect it! I've only spent about a week in total with this little person in her life. How, then, can I be so in love?

changes are afoot

I've always liked that word, " afoot." I like it because it conjures up delicious images of things that are slightly unusual. Nothing ordinary is ever 'afoot.'

After months of teeth-gritting or lip-pursing or stomach-knotting or eyes rolling or suck-it-upping, we are finally getting closer to some big changes in our lives. We are finally (oh holy moly praise be FINALLY) nearly done our website. (Watch this space!) I am embracing Jessie's Be Brave Project in a way that frightens me to my toes (watch this space, too!) I am working on draft three of my book (clear a space!!) (Anyone know a good agent who would be interested in a deliciously feminine and unusual book?) AND we are getting married in 11 weeks. Yup. Change is happening whether we are ready for it or not.

I am sitting here still quite unsure about it all. I have been 'holding on' for so long that now my brain doesn't know how to do nervous excitement anymore. I have been 'muddling through' for so long that I have forgotten how to look things straight in the eye. But it is all coming. And the past few weeks have just shown me AGAIN that life and all of its ups and downs is fleeting and precious. I've known that for a long time but losing Faye has just reminded me that I must not take it all for granted. It's good stuff, this life thing. As Ferris Bueller said, "Life moves pretty fast. If you don't stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it!"

For over three years we have been working towards these dreams. We had forgotten to stop and look around. We didn't realize how close things were until this week. It has felt never-ending. But changes are afoot, my friends! Lots of them are coming. Just wait'll you see!!


(I needed some inspiration so I picked up book and opened it to a random page. Here is what I found:

"Push yourself beyond when you think you are done with what you have to say. Go a little further. Sometimes when you think you are done, it is just the edge of the beginning. Probably that's why we decide we're done. It's getting too scary. We are touching down onto something real. It is beyond the point when you think you are done that something strong comes out... I give this advice out of pure experience. Go further than you think you can." - Natalie Goldberg, Writing Down the Bones

OOh, goosebumps! Thank you Natalie!)

xo

[UPDATE: Have you seen this? Go here and look around. I think I am going to sign up when I start my Be Brave challenge.)

something light -

Hi there -

Thank you for all of the kind emails and thoughts. I have been laying low and coming to terms with it all. Today I was in need of something a little lighter and a little m0re beautiful in my world, so I lurked around some blogs and finally spent some time doing a meme that I found at Claudia's site.

(NOTE: if you are going to do this, make sure that you join up to the mosaic maker site first! I spent a long time doing it and then had to join & lost everything!)

Here´s how you do it...
type your answer to each of the questions below into Flickr search, using only the first page, choose an image, copy and paste each of the URL’s into the mosaic maker (3 columns, 4 rows).

The questions:
1. What is your first name?
2. What is your favorite food?
3. What high school did you attend?
4. What is your favorite color?
5. Who is your celebrity crush?
6. Favorite drink?
7. Dream vacation?
8. Favorite dessert?
9. What do you want to be when you grow up?
10.What do you love most in life?
11. One word to describe you.
12. Your Flickr name.

The links to the pictures in my mosaic:
1. Meghan's Fireflower, 2. Our new favorite Sushi Bar, 3. Bryan Adams and Keith Scott, 4. ♫ black crowned night heron from bali♫, (but I chose red!)5. Gerard Butler, 6. Tea Corner..., 7. Pinnawala Elephant Orphanage, 8. Meyer Lemon Tarts, 9. flying... inspired, 10. ...more time for books, 11. uniquely unique..., 12. Blue fairy wings back view

goodbye my friend

"People come and go in your life but they never leave your dreams. Once they are in your subconscious, they are immortal." - Patricia Hampl

In the summer of 1991 I was working at a summer camp in Canada. One night in the middle of 'Training Week' I was sitting on the railing outside of the Dining Hall when two people came out. One was my friend Jason and the other was a girl named Faye. We hadn't spoken very much that week, but she asked me if I had a hair elastic. I said I had lots in my cabin so we set off across the field together. From that small, ordinary conversation grew one of the best friendships of my life.

I remember sitting in cabins and talking into the night. I remember talking to her every Wednesday night when we were home from camp. I remember taking long ridiculous road trips to visit her, just so we could see the look on her face when we showed up unexpectedly. I remember that whenever she arrived somewhere, the atmosphere changed. She always filled me with expectation. You never knew what she was going to say or how she was going to say it. I remember how she sat with me at another friend's funeral and held my hand. I remember how there was never anyone else like her in the world.

There are some people in your life who you think will always be there. There are a group of girls who are friends from that time - Faye, Karen, Cindy, Colleen, Gerb, and me. We don't talk for months - sometimes years - at a time, but as soon as we get together it's like we have never been apart. We click. We get each other. We know that no matter what, we are there for each other. Other friends have come and gone, but these girls have always been a constant in my life. I love them. Somehow I thought they would always be there.

A year ago Faye was diagnosed with breast cancer. She fought it and she beat it. Last night I found out that three weeks ago she went back for a check up and it was back. Last night I also found out that she had lost this particular fight. She was 32.

Dear Faye,
Thank you for being my friend. I am braver and sillier and smarter and more honest because I knew you. I will miss you for the rest of my life. I promise not to take that life for granted. I am sorry I didn't get the chance to say all of this in person. I hope you knew how much you were loved by us all. I hope you know it now. I love you.

xo

your life is waiting.

Go here. Trust me.

a poem.

The letter
the night
writes to you
with the last drop
of dreams,
(unfinished sentences
disappearing
on crumbling paper)
is addressed
to a grave,
a hole in the ground
where shovels
scoop debris
from past to future,
and the present
is blown away
like the dust
you breathed
standing in a cloud
watching the rubble
the boundary stones
of your life removed.

- Keith Althaus

life.

"There is, as Emerson says, some central idea or conception of yourself by which all the facts of your life are arranged and classified. Change this central idea and you change the arrangement or classification of all the facts and circumstances of your life." - Wallace Wattles

There are some people out there who believe in the power of cosmic ordering completely. There are others out there who scoff at it and can't believe that they 'brought this on themselves.' Sometimes shit happens and we just can't get our head around it. Those people then shake their heads and say that things like "The Secret" can't be right. How can we possibly believe that that someone caused something so awful to happen to them?

I don't have any answers to that, but my own life has been changing in the past few years, and when I read the quote I have shared by Wallace Wattles, something finally clicked into place so loud I even heard the click. I get it. I can't believe it took me this long. It's not about wishing for something so hard that you magically get it. It's not about wanting something and thinking you already have it. It's not about that at all. In fact, those things are the quickest way to sit on your ass and have nothing happen.

Reading Wattles' quote again I can see that we have a far greater task in all of this. Somewhere at our core we have a belief about ourselves that holds us down. It's the belief that we are the most afraid of. It's the belief that makes us cry. To make it metaphoric, I'll say we believe we can't fly. So we don't. Our job is to excavate that belief. Our job is to be brave enough to find out what it is and what is keeping us from being at peace deep deep down. It is that thing that is keeping us from being happy as we are. When we can be happy as we are then we will make choices and be confident enough to work those asses we were sitting on off in the direction of our goals. We will stop doubting ourselves. We will be focused on learning to fly. That is the real secret.

And shit will still happen. But if we aren't already stuck in a pile of our own shit we will be better able to deal with it when it does.

"Our desires presage the capacities within us; they are harbingers of what we shall be able to accomplish. What we can do and want to do is projected in our imagination, quite outside ourselves, and into the future. We are attracted to what is already ours in secret. Thus passionate anticipation transforms what is indeed possible into dreamt-for reality." - Emerson

beauty

"All this beauty; You might have to close your eyes." - The Weepies

We went for a walk yesterday and found a huge field full of foxgloves. The whole time we were walking, I had the Weepies in my head, so today I thought I'd share some of that beauty with you!

All this beauty;
You might have to close your eyes
And slowly open wide
All this beauty;
We traveled all night
We drank the ocean dry
And watched the sun rise...


You can ask about it
But nobody knows the way
No bread-crumb trail
To follow through your days
It takes an axe sometimes
A feather in the sunshine
And bad weather
It's a matter of getting deeper in
Anyway you can


All this beauty;
You might have to close your eyes
And slowly open wide
All this beauty;
We traveled all night
We drank the ocean dry
And watched the sun rise...




I can see you're new, awake
Let me assure you, friend
Every day is ice cream and chocolate cake
And what you make of it
Let me just say
You get what you take
From it, so be amazed
Whenever you stop...
You gotta be brave.

All this beauty;
You might have to close your eyes
And slowly open wide (all this beauty)
And watch the sun rise.

- Lyrics by The Weepies

a message from myself

xo

Books I've Known

"You are the same today as you will be five years from now except for two things... the people you meet and the books you read." - Charles E. Jones

Over two years ago I wrote a post about my favorite children's books. The next day I sat down and wrote a post about my favorite grown-up books. I just found those posts when I was looking for something else and my direction for today changed! Reading through an Oprah magazine last night I saw the part where they ask celebrities which book made a difference to them. Today I have decided to hone my own lists down as far as I can. Today I am going to show you five books that have really made a difference in my life, and then I would love it if you would share yours with me!

My Oprah Magazine Bookshelf:

1. A Creative Companion by SARK.

My first SARK book was "Living Juicy." I remember seeing one of her posters on my friend Karen's wall and loving it. In fact, I remember sitting on Karen's bed writing the whole thing into my quote book. So I bought "Living Juicy" when I saw it. "A Creative Companion" was bought for me by my brother. (Thank you David!!) I couldn't believe that books like that could be in the world. I sat on the floor in my room and gulped it whole and then reread it again and again. Without a doubt, SARK and her books changed my life.


2. Chocolat by Joanne Harris

I love everything about this book. It's another book that made me think: "Writers can write like this??" It's enchanting and engaging and enticing all at once. She mixes magic and reality with such grace that it is all believable. I defy anyone to read this book and not want to spend a few hours at Vianne's counter. This book made me believe in the power of magic and in the power of writing. My biggest gift was when someone read my new book and said it was like Chocolat mixed with The Alchemist. Someday I would like to sip tea with Joanne Harris so that I can thank her for putting this and her other equally good books into the world! (P.S. This link will take you to a page where she talks about how she writes. I love reading about how other people work!)

3. Women Who Run With the Wolves by Dr. Clarissa Pinkola Estes.

The first time I read this book I was house-sitting for a friend. I had just come back from England (where I had gone to try to understand myself) and was feeling very alone and isolated in a house that wasn't mine. I went to the women's bookstore in town and came home with this book. To say it changed my life is an understatement. The first time I read it, I did it cover-to-cover, underlining passages and making tiny stars in the corners of the pages I wanted to make sure I went back to. The second and third times I read it I dipped in and out, underlining more passages and making more stars. When I moved to the UK again I bought myself another copy and started from scratch, underlining and breathing through it. I love that I am growing and leaving myself messages on the pages of this book. It changed my life because I found that that feeling I was having of not quite knowing what was missing was normal. It changed my life because it is unashamedly and unabashedly FEMALE in everything it is. I had never read anything that celebrated that part of me - of women - before. It's the book that I keep beside my bed and dip into for answers. It has become the old woman whose lap I crawl up to in the firelight.

4. New and Selected Poems by Mary Oliver

It's really ANY poems by Mary Oliver, but I had to choose just one book. I am slightly ashamed to admit it, but sometimes I find poetry quite hard to read. I love beautiful things and I like to let language carry me away and poetry sometimes feels like too much hard work. There are some poets, though, that leave me feeling altered after I have read their words. Mary Oliver is one of those people. She gets it. She sees it. She knows. I know lots of people reading this will be nodding. She's like the poet in residence of this particular corner of the blog world. Quite simply, her poems are wonderful.


5. Fruitflesh by Gayle Brandeis

There are lots of books on writing out there, and believe me when I say I have read them ALL. This book is different. This book is so full of life and inspiration it practically drips when you pick it up. It is a recent addition to my bookshelf, but it has had a massive impact on me in a short time. It doesn't fill you with technicalities, it fills you with the juice and the joy and the sensuality of writing. My copy has become dog eared and covered with stars and lines where I have been inspired and overcome. She writes about getting ourselves out of our heads and back into our skin. I always give a little shiver of pleasure when I am finished. I don't think it is just good for writing, I think artists of all kinds would really be inspired by what she has written.

So there it is. My five books. I have left out hundreds. I didn't even GO to children's books this time! There are so many more books that have impacted on my life. I haven't even added Christiane Northrup or Louise Hay or Caroline Myss. (I think those three ladies will be a whole other post on their own!)

(This is also my fantasy tea party: SARK, Joanne Harris, Dr. Clarissa Pinkola Estes, Mary Oliver, Gayle Brandeis, Dr. Christiane Northup, Louise Hay and Caroline Myss. These are all women I admire and would love to meet someday. I'd make delicious food and get out the most beautiful teacups and be in fiesty, creative heaven!)

So what is YOUR 'Oprah' booklist?

a cryptic post

"My darling girl, when are you going to understand that normal isn't a virtue? It rather denotes a lack of courage" - Practical Magic (the movie)

Sometimes it is easier to do what we are supposed to do. It is easier to be afraid of the things that other people are afraid of. It is easier to be tangled up in the rules and regulations, the musts and the must-nots, and the 'never done it that way befores.' It is easy to listen to everything except the voice deep inside of yourself.

Sometimes it feels too hard. There's no path to follow when no one has shown us the way, and just because you are forging your own path does not mean that you can't get stuck there. There are ruts in that path, too. These ruts are harder to get out of because they are the ones that we have made for ourselves.

Sometimes the step that is needed isn't a step at all. Sometimes you need to stop being afraid or nervous or worried or jealous or stuck and take a good look around and ask yourself, 'what would be the biggest, bravest, boldest, greatest thing I could do next? What would be the greatest thing since sliced bread?' Then you need to just do it.

Why the cryptic post? I can't explain*, but what I will say is this: just do it. Do what? Whatever it is your soul is telling you to do. You never know how the seeds you plant will change your life. If you don't dare and risk and leap and dance and DO what your soul hunches tell you to do, your dreams WILL NEVER HAPPEN.

Never.

... and never is a lot scarier than leaping after your dreams is!

xo

*(Explanation: a good thing happened after I took the most enormous leap you can imagine, but I won't talk about work on here so I can't elaborate - but trust me - THINK BIG!)

WHO AM I?????

"Fanciful weddings are imaginative and creative."/
"You are a Classic bride in the tradition of Princess Di, Grace Kelly and Jackie O." - Susie Coehlo

I have been struggling with wedding planning. It's not because I don't enjoy it or because I am worried about lots of things or even because I am thousands of miles away from where I am getting married. I am struggling because I can't really decide what kind of wedding it is going to be.

I am torn between elegant and quirky. In one breath I want it to be whimsical and delicious and in another I am looking for elegant and lovely. I know that those things aren't exclusive of each other, but I am scared that what will happen on the day will be a muddle of neither.

So when I found an online quiz that was supposed to tell me what sort of wedding I should have, I happily answered the questions. My results? I should plan a fanciful wedding. YAY! But then I went through my results and at the bottom it said: "You came close to another style: Classic." GIGGLE. So I guess I was right to be confused!!

Well the FANCIFUL invitations have gone out. (I wish I could have invited lots of you - but I was under firm instructions that it must be people I have met in PERSON! giggle!) I have chosen CLASSIC flowers (with a FANCIFUL twist.) My dress is CLASSIC and so are my bridesmaids'. The place is FANCIFUL, the food is CLASSIC. I guess that is what I am going to have to go for... fancifully classic. Ironically, when I read that description, it's about as me as it gets! It explains my eternal struggle with myself. Wow - it's 20 years of therapy averted - giggle.

Will you do me a favour? Will you take the quiz and let me know who you are?

xo

(P.S. Those aren't my flowers in the picture. That's a bouquet that didn't quite make the cut - not fancifully classic enough!)

quickly...

“Who was the first guy that looked at a cow and said," I think that I'll drink whatever comes out of those things when I squeeze them?” - Calvin (from Calvin and Hobbs)

Don't know why I shared that quote - mostly because it made me laugh out loud and I'm feeling a bit silly tonight. Why? Well, let me tell you why!

Gonna have company this weekend!

Gonna have three women here to play with!

Can't type much because I've got to:
a) be excited
b) clean my house
c) clean my house!

(sigh...)

I'll let you know how it goes!!! Wish you could all be here too!

xo

answers

"There was a time when humanity recognized itself as part of nature, and nature as part of itself. Dreaming and waking were inseparable realities; the natural and the supernatural merged and blended." - Ted Andrews

The last thing I did before going to bed last night was ask for some guidance. I don't very often remember my dreams so when I ask for help it is always with the worry that help will come and I won't remember it.

Last night I did dream. The dream was long and complicated and a lot of it is fuzzy but I remember that there were dolphins in it. The reason I remember the dream is because at the end of it I was swimming up to the surface but I couldn't get there fast enough and I woke up gasping for air. I looked up dolphins in my animal totem book and this is what it says at the end:

If dolphin has shown up as a totem, ask yourself some important questions. What are your words and thoughts creating for you? If unsure, when dolphin arises, you will soon discover. Are you getting outside and enjoying the fresh air? Are you holding in tensions? Are others? When dolphin shows up it is time to breathe some new life into yourself. Get out, play, explore and most of all breathe. - Animal Speak by Ted Andrews

Before I went to Canada I was outside every day and was working very consciously on my breathing. I felt better than I have in a long time. Since Canada I have been very stressed about some things and I have not been outside and I have been completely unconscious of my breathing.

Then this morning I opened a magazine and read this:

"How much more exciting will life become if we trust the unknown and let our lives unfold magically. I have a suspicion that when we trust the unknown our lives will progress perfectly; as if our very faith in a field of benevolent intelligence will open us up to receive the good." - Dr. Sibis Mouton

So there it is. My answers: Remember to breathe. Get outside. Play. Explore. Breathe new life into yourself. Trust the unknown.

Thank you.

i need a sign!!

"i said to you the one gift which i'd adore unwrap a package of the next 10 years unfolding but you told me if i had my way i'd be bored right then i knew i loved you best born of your scolding..." - Indigo Girls, "Language or the Kiss"

I've had this lyric from the Indigo Girls floating around in my head for the past few days. I'm feeling all a-muddle lately and all I can think is that I just need enough faith in our dreams to keep going. But then I think that it would be easier if I could just know without a doubt that it was all going to work out in the end.

I've never been the type of person to read the last page of a book, but occasionally - just once in a while - I have been so distressed by the events of a story that I had to read the last paragraph just to make sure I wasn't going to be devastated by the ending. I don't ever read more than that last paragraph. I don't want to ruin the whole story, I just need a little reassurance. This is where I am right now. I feel like I just want to open this particular chapter of our lives up to the last page and check that everything is going to be okay. I just want to see how things will be in a few months. Does anyone have a crystal ball?

But then that lyric floats through my head: "but you told me if I had my way I be bored" and I understand that we don't get to know. I have always taken the road slightly less traveled. How right is it for me to chase my dreams into the sunset and then to ask what time that sunset is expected? But it is here that I am sitting. I don't want to know what's going to happen in my life. I just want to know that all of this struggle and tension will be worth it. I just need a signpost or a cosmic sign. I just want to know that it's all going to be okay in the end.

language or the kiss - Indigo Girls

"i don't know if it was real or in a dream lately waking up i'm not sure where i've been there was a table set for six and five were there i stood outside and kept my eyes upon that empty chair and there was steam on the windows from the kitchen laughter like a language i once spoke with ease but i'm made mute by the virtue of decision i choose most of your life goes on without me oh the fear i've known that i might reap the praise of strangers and end up on my own all i've sown was a song but maybe i was wrong i said to you the one gift which i'd adore unwrap a package of the next 10 years unfolding but you told me if i had my way i'd be bored right then i knew i loved you best born of your scolding when we last talked we were lying on our backs looking up at the sky through the ceiling i used to lie like that alone out on the driveway trying to read the greek upon the stars the alphabet of feeling oh i knew back then it was a calling that said if joy then pain the sound of the voice these years later is still the same i am alone in a hotel room tonight i squeeze the sky out but there's not a star appears begin my studies with this paper and this pencil and i'm working through the grammar of my fears mercy what i won't give to have the things that mean the most not to mean the things i miss unforgiving the choice still is the language or the kiss"

HOME!!!

I'm off to Canada!! Oh Canada! My home and native land! I am so excited.

I am planning our wedding while I am there. I have SIX days in which to get all of my planning meeting, visiting, laughing, and playing in. SIX days before I have to leave it all behind again for another few months.

The very best part of planning our wedding so far has been the creation of our invitations. They have been SO much fun! We took pictures of our faces and sent them to the very talented Laini Taylor and she made the invitation for us. (And Mark was Laini's very very first Laini's Lad - giggle!) I laugh with glee EVERY single time I look at this picture. I can't stop smiling when I think about it. Thank you Laini - from the bottom of both of our hearts!!

Wedding planning is hard. It's hard because I couldn't care LESS what cutlery is on the table. (Luckily I don't have to decide that!) It's hard because I don't want to waste money on things that DON'T MATTER. It's hard because I have to finalize the guest list and no matter what we do someone will feel left out. (And funny that I imagine that MY wedding will matter that much to someone... silly silly me.) But thank goodness that I have these 'problems.' How blessed am I that I get to marry the man I love in front of people I love and that there are so many people I love that I am worried about not having enough places to put them! I have so much gratitude when I shift my perspective!

So I am off to the Great White North. I'll leave you with some good things!

1. This post - LOOK I am a LAINI's LADY!!!! I am SO honoured that she used my face as one of her beautiful ladies! She is so talented and inspiring. What a great day!
2. This blog that I have recently found. Its title was what drew me in in the first place!
3. This blog that makes me smile wide when I go there.
4. This beautiful piece of art that I am lusting after.
5. This post - just lovely!

gifts from myself

"To begin living like you've never lived before... begin living like you've never lived before."

A million years ago (or so it seems!) I was wandering the aisles at Powell's in Portland. I was determined that I was going to keep focused long enough to take it all in. When I am in a bookstore I get an overwhelming feeling of being amongst kindred spirits quickly followed by panic because I can't look at them all or read them all or find what I am looking for fast enough. I have to focus in a bookstore. I have to seek one section and one shelf at a time or I just wander around and eventually leave with a thumping headache.

While wandering around Powells (A CITY BLOCK OF BOOKS!) I found this little magnet. Clutching my book of Mary Oliver poems and my Laini's Lady, I added this magnet to the pile and made my purchase. I was late to meet Liz and Laini and I didn't want to make them wait. I got home and put it on my filing cabinet and promptly forgot about it. I did look at it from time to time, but I never really thought about it very much.

Yesterday I was trying to rewrite a scene in my novel and I was having a lot of trouble with it. I lacked the juice and the fire that I needed for that particular part. In frustration, I glanced over towards my filing cabinet. There she was, still ripe and full and spinning. She was exactly the inspiration I needed for the scene. She was exactly the image I needed to make the scene what it needed to be. I took her off of the bulletin board and propped her up on my desk.

That sort of thing happens to me a lot. I often find that something I found or bought or scribbled down and tucked into a book is exactly and precisely what I need when I find it again. It's like I am my own little fairy godmother. I also like it because it reminds me that sometimes we can't see what it all adds up to until we look back or until we look through or until we peek inside.

What gifts from yourself have you found today? What inspirations can you leave for yourself tomorrow? Magic is all around - especially if you create it for yourself!

every day angels

"I'm Sensitive"

I was thinking that I might fly today
Just to disprove all the things you say
It doesn't take a talent to be mean
Your words can crush things that are unseen
So please be careful with me, I'm sensitive
And I'd like to stay that way.

You always tell me that is impossible
To be respected and be a girl
Why's it gotta be so complicated?
Why you gotta tell me if I'm hated?
So please be careful with me, I'm sensitive
And I'd like to stay that way.

I was thinking that it might do some good
If we robbed the cynics and took all their food
That way what they believe will have taken place
And we can give it to everybody who have some faith
Oh please be careful with me, I'm sensitive
And I'd like to stay that way.

I have this theory that if we're told we're bad
Then that's the only idea we'll ever have
But maybe if we are surrounded in beauty
Someday we will become what we see
'Cause anyone can start a conflict
it's harder yet to disregard it
I'd rather see the world from another angle
We are everyday angels
Be careful with me 'cause I'd like to stay that way.

-Jewel

my path...

Path:

(v. t.) To make a path in, or on (something), or for (some one).
(n.) A way, course, or track, in which anything moves or has moved; route; passage; an established way; as, the path of a meteor, of a caravan, of a storm, of a pestilence. Also used figuratively, of a course of life or action.
(n.) A trodden way; a footway.

- thinkexist

I walked home from work today. Now my walk home from work involves walking up and over some cliffs, crossing several fields, walking beside an old WW2 airfield and then across some more fields. It normally takes about two hours but Mark picked me up half way home so that I could get home and get some work done.

It was beautiful and I took lots of pictures (which I will share tomorrow when I can find the cable!) But the point of this post is that I realized something about myself today. I am obsessed with paths. Every roll of film or digital file I have includes at least one "path" of some sort. (Or road or bridge or walkway or sidewalk... I'm not fussy!) I'm forever taking pictures of the way ahead. I am enchanted by the possibilities that lie along the way.

When I thought about it some more I realized that it goes deeper than that. My book is even about a path. The other thing I always take pictures of are doors and doorways. It's all about what lies ahead or beyond. I wonder if I need to spend some more time paying attention to where my feet are actually planted. Maybe then the road ahead will make more sense!

I'll post more pictures of my path tomorrow. The picture above was taken when we visited the place where we are getting married! SEE - OBSESSED!! I'm even getting married on a PATH. What does it all mean!? (gently!)

Manifest Miracles

"I still find each day too short for all the thoughts I want to think, all the walks I want to take, all the books I want to read, and all the friends I want to see." - John Burroughs

This picture and the rock in the middle of it are by the amazing mccabe. The rock in question is now sitting on my desk. I have been in a state of nothing-to-say lately. I put those quotes up and then I got all of your beautiful words and instead of being inspired to write I got quiet and still. Creative cycles are a funny thing. All I have ever wanted is within my grasp if I could just reach a little farther and try a little harder, and yet I sometimes need to be still. But today I feel like I am coming up into the light again. I can feel the energy moving back into my bones. I want to drink in my days and fill them with miracles and change the world for the better in some small (or large) way.

I'm going to go and hold my magic rock close to my heart and breathe in some of that magic. Then I am going to manifest some miracles.

Yes.

Another piece of Inspiration

"Approach everything you care about as if you really, really mean it." - Unknown

I started looking for more words that inspired me and I found this in my files. I tried to chase it up to see where I had found it first and I can't find the original site so I apologize to Dr. Estes for duplicating it in its entirety here. (It's getting very obvious to me and anyone else who reads this blog that I am a huge fan of Dr. Estes. I think I shall put meeting her on my list of goals. I'd really like to thank her in person someday!)

If you are reading this and haven't read my last post, please do add your own inspirational words to the list! I'm enjoying seeing what inspires people.

YOUR ASSIGNMENT
by Clarissa Pinkola Estes

I assign you to be a beautiful, good, kind, awakened, soulful person, a true work of art as we say, ser humano, a true human being. In a world filled with so much darkness, such a soul shines like gold; can be seen from a far distance; is dramatically different.

Want to help? Show your deepest most divine self to the world. There is nothing more rare, more strange, more needed. Why would you wait? Not worthy? Oh piffle. Not ready? Okay, so when? Next lifetime? Don't be silly with me about this. Inferiority complex? Okay, let me put it this way to you: you're not good enough to think you're not good enough. And you can
quote me to yourself whenever you have need... Dr. Estes said so.

Have you forgotten that you made promises to your Beloved before you ever came to earth? The time to fulfill these is truly now. You want to cease feeling helpless, and you want to help the aching world? Serve someone and something. Everyone on earth serves someone and something. This means being your truest self now, fulfilling the promises you made to heaven long ago.

Anything you do from the soulful self will help lighten the burdens of the world. Anything. You have no idea what the smallest word, the tiniest generosity can cause to be set in motion. Be outrageous in forgiving. Be dramatic in reconciling. Mistakes? Back up and make them as right as you can, then move on. Be off the charts in kindness. In whatever you are called to, strive to be devoted to it in all aspects large and small. Fall short? Try again. Mastery is made in increments, not in leaps. Be brave, be fierce, be visionary. Mend the parts of the world that are "within your reach." To strive to live this way is the most dramatic gift you can ever give to the world.

Consider yourselves assigned.