Babbling about writing...

"These days

whatever you have to say, leave
the roots on, let them
dangle

And the dirt

Just to make clear
where they come from"

-Charles Olson

Forgive me for my absence and also for my complete obsession with my own words. I have been writing. Yesterday I passed an important word-count landmark. Before when I have written books, I have gone back time after time and edited. I have waited months, even years to complete a paragraph. I have wasted so much time going back and reading what I had already written that I have not finished until the story was stale. But this time it is different. This time I have just been writing it down as it comes to me. I try not to judge or to edit or to read back. I have been leaving the dirt on the roots.

I have hit rough patches. Three of my characters sat in a van for a few weeks as I tried to get them to tell me what they did next. I had to go a chapter ahead and wait for them until they finally told me how they got there. One of my characters spent the better part of a week in a garden shed before she told me that she had discovered the seeds stored in a dusty glass jar on the top shelf. She's out now and has just finished growing a garden full of sweet peas.

I've been devouring the book Fruitflesh as I have been working. So far I feel like I have been collecting the bones of my story, and with every word I read of this book I get more excited to move on from the adventure of the first draft to the juice of the second. For the first time in my life I have completely given myself over to my own words. I have been showing up at the page, listening to the whispers and allowing my writing from the inside out. I can't explain it any better than that. But that is where I have been.

Here's a little bit of advice on writing (or any creative outlet really) - I HIGHLY recommend this book!! (and I just found the author's blog!!! YAY!!)

"If you find your writing getting away from you, bring your focus back to the body. Reel your words back under your skin, to what you're experiencing in the moment - the taste of sourdough in your mouth, the way the light hits the blue lip of the water glass, the scent of dirty laundry wafting across the room. Let yourself be fully present, in the world and on the page. Tell the story only you can tell, the one that hums inside your cells, the one that only you can release. Let the warmth of your body bring your words to full ripeness." - Gayle Brandeis Fruitflesh pg. 15

a quote

Wow - two posts in one evening! I was going to stop with one but then I found this quote and it made me want to run and dive into a pot of paint. It made me want to stay up all night creating. I made me want to call Mr. Gregory and invite him over for a delicious tea-party or home made sushi to thank him for putting this piece of writing into the world! So of course, I had to share. (This is an enormous quote and there's MORE than this! It comes from his wonderful book, The Creative License.)

"To be creative, you must be brave and allow yourself to take risks. You must also be a little crazy.

But have an appropriate degree of perspective. Reassure yourself that by doing a watercolour or throwing a pot you won't set off some chain reaction that destroys your entire universe. The whole reason you are feeling any sort of need to be creative is because you, as an organism, feel some need to adapt to changes in your environment. Your job may be too restrictive. Your relationship may be showing you new possibilities. Your daily paper may be reshuffling your deck. Your body may be changing. Or you may just be more sensitive that those around you, a canary in a coal mine, bellwether to changes that others don't yet sense.

Under all those conditions, creative change is no longer a risk - it's an imperative. Give yourself the chance to experiment and reconfigure your life. Start today. Before the volcano erupts or the meteor hits the earth, before you get hit by a bus, or your candidate loses, or your boss makes a cutback - before the changes erupt, and it's too late.
It's time to stop being a dinosaur and start figuring out how to be a bird." - Danny Gregory, The Creative License page 78.

Good night!!

a bit from me...

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small doesn't serve the world. There's nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We are born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us, it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others." - Marianne Williamson.

This quote is one of my favorites. It's been quoted so often by people that sometimes I think we forget to read what it is saying. I know it's been a long time since my last post. I've been... percolating! I've been writing my novel (over 30,000 words now!!) I've been fleshing out another idea, I've been working on the website, and I have been hiding on the couch eating too much chocolate when the possibilities get too big. I admit that am scared of my dreams. But now I am determined to be afraid of them as they are coming true instead of being afraid of them before I have even tried. Subtle. Tricky. But crucial.

xo

a new year...

"Most of us miss our own lives. Most of us spend our time preparing for a moment that never comes,
while the years slip by, unnoticed, unused." - Geneen Roth

Tonight I came home from work, had a quick shower to wash off the day, and set about beginning my 'divine mojo-boost' ritual. I wasn't sure until I sat down what I was going to do, but I knew that I wanted to get the autumn started off right.

I started by burning some sage. I like thinking that I have cleansed the air of any negative energy. Then I recited the bit of Mary Oliver poetry that I feel hits exactly the note of who I would like to be. (The one on my sidebar.) And then I did what I do best - I wrote - I wrote about all of the aspects of myself that I wanted to release and I gently read them to myself over and over and over again. At first I felt quite silly, and I felt like maybe nothing was going to happen, and then an amazing thing happened. I experienced release.

I felt it in happen in my stomach, just below my chest. I felt a tight place loosen. I hadn't even really known it was tight. I felt my forehead relax and my breath deepen. I felt softer than I have in ages. I folded up the paper, whispered a gentle thank you, burned some sage again and then took my paper out to the barbecue! I lit the edge and as I watched it burn I whispered a wish to the smoke for anyone else who was doing a ritual at the same time as I was. Then I whispered a prayer for those I love, and recited the bit of poetry again.

"I feel my boots trying to leave the ground, I feel my heart pumping hard. I want to think again of dangerous and noble things. I want to be light and frolicsome. I want to be improbable beautiful and afraid of nothing, as though I had wings." -Mary Oliver

I hope that wherever you are you are feeling rejuvenated and ready for autumn to begin. Here's to a new season and a new year!

And what did you do?

hunger.

"Trusting ourselves means being willing to hunger - for food, for intimacy,
for comfort, for self-expression.
It is the denial, not the acknowledgement, of hunger that destroys us.
We are all hungry for something." - Geneen Roth

I haven't been. I haven't been consciously hungry for anything for a long time. I have wanted things. I have hoped for things. I have tried to 'manifest' things. I have cried for things. I have eaten things because they were there. I have dreamed about being a published writer. I have been lonely for friends and family. I have felt not good enough as is. I have been afraid of things. I have absolutely longed for things. But I have not been HUNGRY for things.

For me, hungry means wanting something so much that you do anything in order to have it. For me, hungry means that you ignore all rational and conscious thought because you are so determined. Hungry means that there is a real gnawing hunger that needs satiating. For a long, long time that has not been me. I have not listened to my hungers.

I have been eating. I have been watching television. I have been sleeping in. I have been making mess after mess in my house that I need to clean up. I have been emailing, surfing, reading, and generally farting around. I have been wasting precious precious time waiting. Waiting for what? I don't know. I'm embarrassed to say.

Many people (including me) have said that life would be so much easier if we wanted to be ordinary. But I think that on some level I haven't really wanted to be a creative either. I have so many preconceived notions of what that means. I am so scared of so much of it I couldn't begin to list all of the things I am afraid of. Mostly I am afraid to want it too much, or put too much work in, in case it doesn't happen.

In January I declared a theme for 2007. I have decided that starting on Sunday I am going to declare a new theme for the foreseeable future. And it's going to be HUNGRY. I'm going to listen to what I am hungry for and do something about it. That's it. There is no more time to waste. None.

Wish me luck!

Powerful.

"Being powerful is giving yourself permission to feel good. Being powerful is allowing yourself to be as creative, outrageous, honest, sensual and demanding as you are. Being powerful is realizing that you don't have to hide anything from anyone." - Geneen Roth

I am home sick today. My stomach told me that it has had enough excitement and it needed a break. On my way past the bookshelf this morning, I picked up the very first book I put my finger on. It was one by the amazing Geneen Roth. As it turns out, it was one of the books that I have marked as I read it before. So today I was able to read messages from myself - to see what passages have resonated before - and to see how much I have changed since the first read.

Today I found this passage and I loved - loved - loved it. As I am preparing for my mojo-ritual on Sunday, I thought it was perfect timing! I wanted to share it with you:

"Ask yourself - now - what would happen if you were to become as powerful as you are?

Who would be frightened?
How would your life change?
How would you eat?
What would you wear?
What kinds of things would upset you?
How would you walk, talk?
What kind of work would you do?
Who would be your friends?
Does you life, the way it is now, support you in becoming powerful?
Do one powerful thing today.
Tomorrow, when you wake up, dress as if you were expressing your power. Then walk through the day as a powerful woman would.
Treat yourself as if you were already enough."

- Geneen Roth

on beauty in two different ways

I am working on three projects right now! That's right - THREE! I am on page 90 in my book, I am working on our website and I got two amazing idea flashes in the last week or so. One of them I am going to shelve for a little while (after letting the Universe know that I accept it of course!) and one left me tingling so much that I think I might get started on it.

I have a real issue with all of this inspiration. I have a lot of trouble visualizing. I can sense my projects but I can't see them. My book has been easy because I am just writing it. It will be a novel-of-sorts. (It's sort of a grown up woman's fairy tale.) But the other two require some artwork or photographs or SOMETHING and I just can't do it. I have a whole non-fiction 'self-help/ inspirational' book written - WRITTEN - and it's just sitting on my computer waiting for me to go back and revise and edit and visually make it the thing I want it to be. But I can't do that bit. I can't get the beauty out of my head and onto the page. And I don't feel like I can send it to a publisher without the beauty. I know that they would get an amazing illustrator/ artist to do the images but I don't want my words to be rejected because I can't illustrate what they mean to someone. The beauty is instrumental.

So I continue to sit down and write the books and the pieces and then I leave them in files where no one reads them. My latest idea could be incredible. It involves a book and a website and helping people to create concrete evidence of who they are and how they got there. It could be a cool workshop as well... sigh. I have some artistic ability, but the link between brain and output just isn't there. I can't SEE what I want it to be, I can only SENSE what it already is. Does that make any sense at all??

(I meant this post to be about something entirely different today but the post took on a life of its own. Michelle put a link to a site on her blog and I went there. Please read Michelle's instructions and her fabulous post about it and then go to this website. It's absolutely incredible. You will be amazed.)

craving some "divine mojo!"

"Autumn... asks that we prepare for the future - that we be wise in the ways of garnering and keeping. But it also asks that we learn to let go - to acknowledge the beauty of sparseness." - B.W. Overstreet

I have an invitation for you. I would like you to join me in a spirit-lightening, mojo-boosting ritual!

For many people the year begins on January 1rst. At the beginning of a new year we write resolutions and make promises to ourselves. We look at the things we need to change and we hope that by the end of the year we will have everything we ever wanted. For me it has always made much more sense to have those sorts of thoughts in the autumn. With school starting and summer ending, it always seemed to me that the year started fresh in September. I've written about this before here.

But here I am, sitting in the middle of August, feeling a little cramped by parts of my life that don't quite fit anymore. I read other blogs and feel the same thing from all of you. We vow to do differently than we do now over and over again. It's exhausting. I am feeling ready to relax the reins a bit. I feel ready to take a breath.

Yesterday I was feeling in need of inspiration so I closed my eyes, took a deep breath and opened the first book I touched. This is what I read:

"...create your own rituals - whatever you like, and for any reason whatsoever, as long as they really mean something to you and have some divine weight, some honest tang. Your rituals can be shaped around almost anything at all - like a job promotion or a breakup - or just because you're really craving some divine mojo." - Sera Beak - The Red Book

That's me alright - craving some divine mojo! So I decided to create my own autumnal ritual. And inspired by Jamie's Dance Party, I decided to ask if you would do it with me!

So you are invited to participate in a mojo-boosting autumn new-year ritual!

When: September the 2nd at 6pm GMT. You'll have to do your own math to figure out what time this will be for you where you are! (it should really be September 1rst but I figured more people will be home on Sunday to do it!)

What: a new you ritual. You can be as big or as small as you like. It's about stopping and taking stock, taking a deep breath, releasing some old gunk, and stepping into the rest of the year revived. "Some rituals are enacted simply to mark a special time, to focus a desire, break a nasty habit, encourage a healthier you, or celebrate a traditional event. There is much to be explored in the betwixt. There is much fun to be had in the between." - Sera Beak.

How: you choose what you do that would be meaningful to you. You could have a bath, light some candles, write yourself some vows, burn something (carefully), sip some tea or some wine or some champagne, get a tattoo, write poetry, marry yourself, burn some sage or incense, bake bread, meditate, or anything else that will help you feel different when you are finished. Participate at the same time and offer a small wish at the end to the other people who are doing it with you. Then blog about it if you like.

Who: Everyone is invited (even non-bloggers!) I believe that the more people do it, the more powerful it will be.

Please join me - and we can all breathe deeply and move lightly into autumn together!

xo

I need your advice!!

Okay peeps, I have a question for you!! (All of you - even the lurkers - I wanna know what you think too!!)

Mark and I are about to embark on weddingness. Since we got engaged people have been asking us what we are doing and when we are doing it. We have no idea when or what or how. We are going to sit down and start talking about it soon but everything I look at about weddings is SCARY!! It all seems to involve lists and things that we must do. There doesn't seem to be anything anywhere about how to make up a beautiful, meaningful, simple, elegant, memorable day.

So what I would love is if you would give me some advice. What did you do that worked? What have you seen done at weddings that you thought was lovely? What wouldn't you have done? What would be your dream wedding? What advice/ inspiration/ tips/ wisdom can you give me? Our facts are: two countries, small budget, and enormous family in Canada.

So can you help?

P.S. Karen - the Pimms & Nibbles are for you!!

possessed.

"Writing is the only thing that, when I do it, I don't feel I should be doing something else." - Glorian Steinem

I am finding it increasingly difficult to remain in the real world. I have just finished reading the final Harry Potter book and I am having difficulty climbing out of it. Plenty of books have come and gone in my life that have left no impact. I can remember most of them, but they did not come to be a part of me. There have been books, however, that left me reeling. This feeling does not necessarily come from a heavy or intense story, but usually from the sense of being fully immersed in its world. When I finish a book that has claimed me, it is often like coming up for air. Part of me wants to be out, to be done, to be back on firm ground and part of me is longing to be back deep inside.

But the strangest thing has happened to me this week. I have been inhabiting two books at the same time. One was Harry Potter and the other was my own manuscript. The characters in one of the books were bringing me along with them as I read about their lives, and the characters in the other have been taking up residence in my head. I don't feel like it is me writing this book. I feel like it is being whispered to me. When I am not writing it whole scenes appear before me, and sentences, paragraphs and snippets of dialogue swim by in quick succession. When I am writing it I don't always know what is going to come out until it is there on the page. If you watched me reading it back you would see me shaking my head in surprise.

So the result of all of this is that my head is a bit full of fiction. There is scarcely time or space for anything else. There was simply no question of stopping reading or writing so the rest of my life has suffered. I find myself being angry at my 'real' life because it gets in the way. I missed a wonderful bit of conversation the other day because I was dealing with something at work and I couldn't stop to write the words down as the came to me. I've said before that I needed to stop writing so that I could get by in my daily life. That's still true! But now I want to give up the daily life to make room for the writing. Oh, to be able to sit down and focus on one thing at a time!

Reading this back it sounds quite negative and that is not how I mean it to sound. I am deeply, passionately in love with my book. I was deeply involved in reading Harry Potter. I am happiest and most in 'the flow' when involved in such relationships with books. It is just overwhelming sometimes. I have never felt like this about a piece of my own writing before. I have had wonderful feedback from a few friends who have read it and from Mark (he's even asked me what was going to happen next a few times - a very good sign as it is a VERY woman-y book!) I know that I am going to have to come up for air sooner or later, but in the meantime, you'll have to forgive me for any absence. I've returned from Hogwarts, but that was only part of me. I'm still not fully here. I'm afraid I've become lost in another book, and this one is going to be much more difficult to leave behind.

The Universe is kicking my butt!

(When we were in Exeter with my parents we walked by this amazing door and of course my Dad needed to see what was on the other side so he pushed it open. Turns out it was another door!!) (Deep eh?!)

For the last little while I have been doing a lot of thinking about all of the ways that I DON'T do the things that I want for myself. But when I started doing that today I could actually hear Dr. Phil in my head saying, "How's that working for ya?" So I decided to stop and think about the ways that I DO work towards my dreams. "Enough of this defeatist bullshit," I thought. Clearly I do more good than bad or I would not be living the life I do.

This week I have been up by 6:30am every morning and I have written my book. It's been my sacred date. I have pushed past my blockage (I had three characters sitting in a van for ages. Two wanted to be in the book, but I didn't know what to do with them,) and I am now bustling towards the 60 page mark - yippee yahoo!

This morning I found this quote:

Again and again in history some people wake up. They have no ground in the crowd and they move to broader, deeper laws. They carry strange customs with them and demand room for bold and audacious action. The future speaks ruthlessly through them. They change the world. -- Rainer Maria Rilke

It made the hairs on the back of my neck stand up. I hope that in some small way by the end of my life, I have done something that changes the world - even if it is just for one person.

And then today I got this message from the Universe:

Live your dreams now, Meghan, to any degree that you can. With every purchase. Every decision. Every hello and goodbye. Every assignment. Every conversation. Every meal. Every morning, afternoon and evening. And never, ever, ever look back.

Reframe every thought, word, and deed from the perspective of the person you've always dreamed you'd be, as if your life was already as you've always dreamed it would be. Die to yesterday's illusions and be reborn to the truth of your vision.

And let's just see if you can handle the onslaught of treasures I send your way.

Your greatest admirer, biggest fan, and truest friend -
The Universe

And it kicked my ass. I would like to report my friends that I am BACK ON TRACK!!

Some days it is easy to move toward your dreams and some days it is hard. Some days I can pay attention to the good things I've done and some days I can only eat my weight in sugar. Some days I am strong and some days I need to be quiet and still. Sometimes I feel inspiring and other days I need inspiration. I am so glad that when it is needed most, inspiration seems to come - even if it needs to come from inside, from the outside, or from the universe.

xo

Songs that make me happy and 8 things.

I was half way through creating this post when I was tagged by Denise to reveal 8 random things about me. So I am going to use the songs I was linking to as one of my things.

• We have to post these rules before we give you the facts.
• Players start with eight random facts/habits about themselves.
• People who are tagged write their own blog post about their eight things and include these rules.
• At the end of your blog, you need to choose eight people to get tagged and list their names. Don’t forget to leave them a comment telling them they’re tagged and they should read your blog.

1. I am crazy about collecting music - but I am very selective. I only want it if I love it. (Any suggestions for people I should listen to?) Here are the songs I was going to share with you today anyway:

This one makes me happy!

This one makes me dance!

This one makes me wriggle!

This one makes me laugh!

This one was sent to me by a friend!

This one makes me smile!

and this one is just plain wonderful!

2. I am scared of mushrooms. Seriously. Someone told me once that they don't need sunshine to grow and I have been suspicious of them ever since. I can only eat them if I can't SEE them. I am also scared of the dark but that comes from working at camp. I won't elaborate.

3. I'm weird about eating things in twos. If you offer me something to eat that is small like an M&M, I will always ask if I can have two - one for each side of my mouth.

4. I moved to England in October of 1998 with a bag, £300, and three nights in a hotel in London (thanks to my Mom!) I had no idea what was next. I ended up moving to the tiniest village in the world and meeting the man who I am now engaged to. Crazy old world.

5. I think I have told you this before, but I once made an apple pie dressed in a full pioneer costume on Breakfast Television.

6. I can flip my tongue over and I can wink one eye without scrunching it up - like a doll. People are usually a little freaked out by it.

7. I am very messy. I ALWAYS need to clean off my desk before I can get to work. The result of this is that I do most of my writing while sitting on the couch surrounded by my notes. My dream is to have a big office just for me with a drafting table, desk, supply cupboard and lots of inspiration all over the walls.

8. I LOVE beautiful things. When I was younger people used to come into my room just to sit and look at all of the things I had on my walls. I love ribbon and cards with quotes on them and pictures of flowers and glitter and... well... just everything that makes me smile and sigh. Now I have just one bulletin board and my desk that I can make chaotic with colour and beauty. But when we move - look OUT!!

Okay - so 8 people. The problem is that so many people have already had this. If I tag you and you have already done this, please forgive me! Please - no pressure!! XO I tag Jamie, Claudia, Jessie, Tori, Frida, Maddie, Bee, & Jen.

long lost me!

(This photo is Mark and I on the 'Jurassic Coast' near Lyme Regis. It's a world heritage site, and as you can see, it's a lovely hot sunny summer here in the UK!)

I keep coming back here and saying how long it's been since I've been here. It's getting ridiculous. I really am going to try to get back on here more. I miss it. I find myself blogging in my head every now and then, and wondering what it going on with other bloggers. It's strange to care so much about people that you have never met.

I have been away from the computer for awhile because my parents were here for ten days. When they were gone it took me a couple of days to find my feet again. Before this trip I only missed them in Canada. Now I miss them here - does that make sense? So I was experiencing re-entry issues. I didn't want to be at work, I missed them, I was irritable and grouchy, these are all road blocks to a sunny blog post!

But I am also really tired of coming on here and complaining. I'm tired of coming on here and wishing that things were different. I am tired of coming on here and being inspired and having nothing come of it. I am tired of myself. I am so bored of myself I want to have someone pinch me and wake me up. My readership is dwindling and I tell myself that it is because I am never here, but maybe it's also because when I am here I am SO BORING. Blah blah, overweight, blah blah, not writing, blah blah homesick, blah blah don't want to go to work, blah blah blah blah blah BLAH.

Does anyone out there have that golden ticket? Does anyone out there know exactly what key I need to unlock that bit of my brain that won't let me KEEP ON doing the right things for me? What do I say to myself when I sit down to watch television instead of writing my book? What charm do I rub to get me to remember that staying where I am is actually scarier than taking a big brave leap? What song can I sing to myself that will charge me up like Maria in The Sound of Music to go running off, suitcase in one hand, creativity in another to meet my dreams?

I know that making a leap is actually a series of lots of little leaps and it's about making the decision over and over and over again. Wouldn't it be grand if we could just LEAP and that one choice would propel us out and into our lives, changing our attitudes and decisions forever? Wouldn't it be grand if the simple act of writing, "From now on things are going to be different!" in our journals could actually MAKE them different! Wouldn't it be grand if saying no to one cookie could make us able to eat healthily forever! Wouldn't it be grand if all it took to live creatively was to dip a single toe in that river. We would be swept away and all would be well. We could live in a swirl of glitter and ribbon and words and colour and abundant income. So come on, what's the magic word then? What will it be?

Life would be so much easier if I wanted to be ordinary.

too many layers

"Whatever has happened to us has contributed to us." - SARK

I am a worrier. I am a worrier, a planner, a bag of nerves, and a internal-freaker-outer. But I am also a coper. I am also a rationalizer, a deal-with-it-er, and a fix-er. While all of these sides of my personality have their moment in my head, sometimes, like this week, they all set up camp at the same time, wear their biggest fanciest hats, and have a tea party that seems to be half located in my brain and half located in my digestive system.

This week seemed to have me on a permanent state of alert. I had a big interview for a big grown-up job on Tuesday (which I didn't get,) I had big serious meetings, lots of questions from people about our engagement, only one day off last week, and my parents arrived on Wednesday. I had equal amounts of excitement, nerves, stress and joy coursing through my veins. This all equals a me that realized last night at dinner that she was forgetting to breathe!

But it's simply amazing what difference a night of good long sleep makes. I woke up this morning feeling philosophical about the job (obviously it wasn't meant to be,) excited about a day spent out with my parents, and rested for the first time in weeks. The tea party appears to have ended. They have all retired to their beds leaving the rational bit of my brain to sweep up the crumbs, empty and wash the glasses, and put away their hats. It doesn't mind being left to do the cleaning. It likes some space now and then.

P.S. I took this picture in Rome because I loved how it looked (and because I thought that it would be a picture that my friends who are photographers would be proud of me for taking - ha ha ha!) It felt like the right picture for today's post!

P.P.S. Susan P now T. if you are reading this - please email me! I've been trying to email you and I think I have an old address!!

past lives and scary snakes

I have had the strangest day. We went to a 'new age' festival. I use that term for lack of a better title. It smelled of incense, chai tea and hemp bags - there were people there with dreadlocks and briefcases - you could buy prayer bowls and Buddhas - you tell me if you can think of a better term for the day. We have gone other years and participated in money manifestation meditations, I have had a healing done, met my guardian angels, and bought some strange plants for our garden. This year we only signed up for one session. It was about past-life regression.

Now I will not get into what I believe or what you believe or if you think I was right to go on a session of this kind. I am fascinated with all aspects of energy and life and I love 'taster-sessions' about things, so this type of place is perfect for me. I get to have a look in without ignoring what I believe fundamentally. We went in and sat down and listened to the man doing the session for awhile. He then took us through a meditation to open our chakras and then lock them down. There were so many people in the room he said locking our energy in would be better.

I have said before how much trouble I have visualizing. When he took us through that first meditation I did fairly well. I am not sure if I did it right but whatever. After talking some more he began taking us through another meditation. I won't give you a play-by-play, but I did really well at first. I could actually see what he said I would see. When we got to a last door, I had a vivid impression of a huge serpent on the door. Just after I saw this he said that I would be meeting an animal guide that would help me find my way to my book. (I can't remember what the place was called but there is apparently a library in the astral plane that has each of our own personal books in it. In these books is written the story of our lives (all of them) and on them is written our spiritual name.) I was a bit shaken by the big scary snake apparently being my animal guide but I followed the snake through the door.

At this point the meditation got scary. I was supposed to come to a book - which I did - and I did see a name on the cover which shook me (I can't explain why, I'm not supposed to tell what that name is.) When I opened the book all I had in my head were scary images - long, dark blowing hair (like a mermaid's might look with pointy ends), scary faces, pointy Hallowe'en-y trees, etc. I was supposed to be seeing a 'past life' or something, but there was nothing like that. I was so shaken when he finally brought us out of it, I was physically shaking.

So if anyone reading this knows anything about any of this - help! What does it all mean??

P.S. THANK YOU for all of the kind wishes on our engagement! Put your thinking caps on - I am going to be asking for your creative advice!

Rome

"Rome was a poem pressed into service as a city." - Anatole Broyard

I wanted to wait to write this until I had spoken to a few people on the phone but with the time difference, that has proven tricky so I just can't wait any more.

Rome was amazing. If Paris is the city of love, then Rome is the city of passion! Everything about it just seems robustly alive. This energy coupled with the surrounding antiquity takes the breath away. We had a marvelous time. It was extremely hot so we would get up early and see the sites and then go back to our flat for chilled wine and olives and cold cold showers. Then we would venture out after dark for Gelato. If you ever go to Italy and don't have Gelato I will find and slap you. Divine.

We got up at 5am on our last morning. It was just dawn and we made our way blearily to the Trevi Fountain. On previous visits we found the fountain crawling with tourists and we wanted it to ourselves. When we got there we were alone (except for one policeman.) Mark took a few pictures and then we sat on one of the benches for a moment and then he got down on one knee and proposed!

So we are officially engaged! People have been asking us for details already but we don't know anything except that we are enjoying being engaged for now and we'll deal with the details later!!

Sigh!

Where we've been...

I'll tell you a story tomorrow when I have had a chance to unpack and to process it all. The places we've been, the things we've seen and the things we've done have left us reeling with the romance, the heat, the beauty and the passion that was and is Rome. Yes, you read that right. We spent a long weekend in ROME. sigh.

Magical Mystery Tour!

I am just moments away from a magical mystery tour! Mark and I are off for our first holiday in months! We have been slogging and working and trying and writing and creating and painting and we are running away for a few days of none of that!! I have NO idea where we are going. All I know is that I MIGHT need a passport and that Mark slipped and asked what he should use as a 'carry-on!'

I am very excited!!

xo

Mom, Dad, Dave, don't read this.

A couple of years ago I spent a day at the London Zoo. When I got to the Elephant enclosure, I was shocked and saddened to see two beautiful elephants standing side by side, swaying back and forth. Anyone with any sort of empathy could see that these incredible creatures were experiencing massive amounts of stress. Although it was only a few weeks later that I heard that the elephants had been removed from the zoo, I often think of them and wonder about where they are and if they are feeling better.

Last night, I went into the bathroom and a few minutes later I realized I was doing exactly what the elephants had been doing. I was standing still in the middle of the room, staring off into space. I was even swaying a little. I told you before that I am a very bad DIY’er. Well, I officially hit a wall last night. I am stressed. It’s more than my house being in chaos that is getting to me, but it used to be that at least when I got home, I could relax a little bit. Now I have added another level of ‘shoulds’ to my life and it is really affecting me.

This morning Mark said, “I feel like we are chopping our way through a jungle, and there must be a clearing around here somewhere, damnit!” We have so many plans and dreams and really when you step back and really look at our life, it’s not bad at all. But every single thing around us seems to have a leak that we have to plug, and I am rapidly running out of fingers. Is everything always going to be this hard?

big things ahead!

I subscribe to Rob Brezsny's Free Will Astrology horoscopes.
This is what I got this week:

"SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): I suggest we title this chapter of
your life story "The Perplexing Joy of Hundreds of Emotions,"
or maybe "The Wild Peace of Way Too Many Feelings." That
may be a bit of an exaggeration, but it's an apt reflection of
your immediate future: extreme, expansive, melodramatic,
spectacularly educational, and filthy rich with intrigue.
You may not break the world's record for most mood shifts
in a good cause, but you could very well smash your own
personal record."

Oh dear.  Should I be excited or terrified?

new normal.

"Listen, are you breathing just a little,
and calling it a life?...
For how long will you to continue to listen to
those dark shouters,
caution and prudence?
Fall in! Fall in!" - Mary Oliver

Quoted in "Oprah," June 2007.

I am feeling so overwhelmed by yuckiness right now. I have a wicked, evil cold, an inflamed nerve in my shoulder, and Mark and I are doing DIY. I am a lot of things that are great. I am NOT a good DIY'er. I get cranky. Two years ago when we had an extension of sorts built on our flat, I got a real stomach ulcer from the stress. So when I say I am a bad DIY'er, I mean it.

I spent most of the weekend painting. We decided on 'Almond White' for the walls. (Hilariously it has dried with a definite pink tone.) I painted while Mark worked on our bathroom. My parents are coming for just over a week in July and I wanted one of the walls to look better for their visit. It's turned into a full-blown fix-fest.

When I was going through some sadness a few years ago I was intrigued by the concept of creating a 'new normal.' As I was standing in our kitchen last night the idea came back into my head. I looked at our new walls, and I realized that I already had trouble remembering what it looked like before. I was already forgetting the yellow that I had lived with for four years. I had already begun to experience 'new normal.'

When big changes or big sadness or big emotions happen in our lives, gaps are created; we don't fit anymore, and things will never be the same. Normal as we knew it is no longer possible, and we can either get stuck in the muck of what-ifs or we can create a new normal. I realized last night that all of the things that I have been struggling with have been because I am continuing with the same old shit. I have been reenacting the same old patterns as if I was the same old me. But I am not the same woman that moved to England all of those years ago. I am so different in a lot of ways.

Ironically as I made these huge realizations, I came down with a stonking cold that has forced me onto the couch. Never mind. A kick in the ass is a step forward, right?! So I got a kick in the ass AND a time-out all at the same time. I think I'm going to take the time-out first and then take the kick in the ass when I am feeling better. But don't worry, I will try to learn the lessons of both!

snuffle.

(The photograph above was taken by the gorgeous Susannah.)

My Big Blogging Break

"Love who you are and what you do. Laugh at yourself and at life, and nothing can touch you. It's all temporary anyway. Next time you will do it differently anyway, so why not do it differently right now?" - Louise Hay

Where I am/ where I have been - A List.

1. I have been writing. This has been overwhelming because the more I write the more my projects fill me. If I ignore the urges and I don't write in the day, I can get on with my life quite easily. If I get up and write in the morning, I can't seem to stop. I find myself scribbling on any scrap of paper I can find, making notes, writing all day long. It frightens me and I can see why I stopped writing in the first place.

2. I am also overwhelmed by my need to change. I have been trying to work with the Law of Attraction, but I have so many things I want for myself (healthy weight, published book, successful website, clean house, good relationships) that I feel tightly stretched over my life. I feel like I need to pick one at a time to focus on, but none of these things can wait. I get so excited about all of my possibilities and I can't get focused on just one. It's tricky.

3. I have been going to work. It's been hard. I am in desperate need of a holiday!! Luckily I get to spend this weekend with a dear friend!!

4. I have been trying to cook more. I always get flack because I don't cook very often. Mark cooks almost every meal. He is an astounding cook. I am not. I have been known to cry when faced with putting a plate together. I call this picture, "Why Mark Cooks." I was making Cottage Pie & this is our kitchen. Yeesh.

5. I have become addicted to Nutella. I put it on ginger-oat biscuits. This is not good for the healthy weight portion of my goals. (I am slightly horrified to see that it has a website. Should I be?)

6. I am forcing myself to wait to read the new Joanne Harris book. I LOVE her writing. 'Chocolat' is one of my favorite books and this is apparently a follow-on from that book. I have it sitting right beside me on my table as I type. It's calling me. It's tempting me. But I am not allowed to read it until I have written five days in a row. I realized after making that vow that I am going away this weekend, so I am going to have to wait until next weekend. Sigh.

7. Please accept my apologies if I do not come here very often. My job takes up so much energy that when I get home I don't have very much to give, and I need to give it to my goals. I'll let you know how my visit goes this weekend!! YAY for mini-breaks with friends!!

8. Here is a little beauty for your life. Go here to make one for yourself - it's fabulous!

Miss Potter

The strangest thing happened to me tonight. I had a movie-induced moment. I won't call it an epiphany, but it felt like something quite close to one.

I've always been a girl who loved magic. I don't mean hocus pocus or scary people in robes in the woods, I mean the magic that happens every day. I was blessed with an unusual childhood and unusual parents in a place where it was easy to believe in magic. I was also blessed with a Grandfather who made me believe in leprechauns. While I loved the Anne of Green Gables books, it was Emily of New Moon that enchanted me. I wanted to believe in faeries in the woods.

When I was old enough to decide that I wanted to be a writer I began looking for people to whom I could relate. When you are a teenager and female and you love writing there is a core reading list. I was drawn to Virginia Woolf and Sylvia Plath but I had real trouble reading them. They were both profound and incredible but I found that I could not relate to them. Bad things had happened to me but I had not embraced the darkness as they seemed to. I stumbled around a little. I could not be a writer. I lacked the angst and the issues that a Real Writer must stumble against. I did not recognize myself anywhere.

So that brings me back to tonight. Mark and his Dad were away tonight so his Mom and I decided to watch a girl-movie. I rented "Miss Potter" and I was just expecting a nice movie. I didn't know anything about her and I don't really remember reading her books when I was a kid. I was completely enchanted. I recognized her. She was an ordinary women who did not want to live an ordinary life. She saw magic in the world around her and enjoyed it. She was creative and a strange extrovert/introvert mix. Bad things happened to her but she recovered. She never lost that sense of magic and possibility.

So I am sitting here at midnight feeling lighter than I have in ages. Until tonight I hadn't realized how I felt about being a Writer. I didn't know that I couldn't see myself as a writer because I hadn't anyone to compare myself to. I didn't know that I didn't want to be a writer if it meant darkness and angst. I was given a gift tonight in an unlikely package. I was given a bit of insight and I was given a heroine. I am deeply grateful.

my fear of change.

"Although your fears may seem multitudinous, each one is ultimately just a different version of the fear of change..." - Caroline Myss, "Sacred Contracts"

I am a complicated creature. I am such a nervous personality, I already have an ulcer at 32. I am terrified of the dark, and scared of big changes. I like to have a map, a plan, the tickets, the reservations, a bottle of water and a snack all ready for any eventuality. I am also strangely brave. I once moved to another country with nothing. I moved to the same country again a few years later and stayed there with my love. I quit teaching even though it was what I was trained (and in debt) for. I am scared of everything and yet I also have a deep spiritual sense that everything is going to be okay. See... complicated.

When I sat down to go through Sacred Contracts yesterday, I was pretty sure about what I would find. I am fat. There is no hiding or getting around that fact. So I was sure that there would be something in my findings about my eating. I also knew that I would find that I was not living up to my highest potential, because I know that I am not. I get started towards it - over and over - and I stop. I am too scared of what I might find when I get there. So you see I am quite in tune with my issues.

What you have to do is go through a list of archetypes and decide (through a lot of work but more intuition) which twelve are your group. It was pretty easy at first but it took me about three days of looking off and on to come up with my twelve. You have to be deadly honest with yourself and that is tricky. Then when you are SURE that you have made the right choice you cast a chart. It's kind of like tarot. If you do it with intention, the universe should put them in the right parts of your chart (life.) This should help you to learn some lessons about yourself and your life. (The link above will take you to the process on Caroline's site. The book is just more in-depth.)

If anyone has done this work before, I would love to hear about your findings (in private, if you'd rather.) I'm still not able to share what I found completely. Some of it was not surprising. I loved that I have 'The Seeker' in my house of Creativity and Good Fortune. What this tells me is that I am constantly looking for something meaningful but that I have been unable to commit to a path when I find it - duh! Now that I got a message that clear I will be able to notice when I am veering off of my path to look for another one and pull myself back into my chosen direction again.

I was not entirely surprised when 'Writer/Artist' came up in my house of Occupation and Health or that 'Teacher' ended up in my Relationship to the World section. But I was surprised about some of the other findings. I had to stop for a little while after casting the chart to get my head together. Like I said before, I am pretty aware of my issues. It takes a powerful smack to make me realize a new one, and that's what this did for me yesterday. In my Ego/Personality house was a message that I am going to have to live with for a little while about how I relate to the world and how the world sees me. It was bang on. I can't believe I have never seen it before.

So no matter how much that hurt or how much work it is going to be or how frightened I am, this is one of those times when Brave Meg is going to have to step forward. (The warrior goddess from my chart!) I am going to have to learn the lessons that I asked for, do the work necessary, and like it or not, I am going to have to CHANGE.

ouch.

no.

GrrroooooowwwwwwwwlllllllllllllllLLLLLLLLLLL!!!!!!

How I spent my day.

It's been a strange couple of days for me. I feel like I am cracking open. I am feeling like I am stepping up to that edge again - that edge that I have talked about before but run away from many times in the past. Mark was away today so I used it to go deeply into 'Sacred Contracts' by Caroline Myss. (I'm using Safari so I can't seem to do any of the good stuff I can usually do in Firefox - so no link this time, sorry!) It's been really tough. I won't go into it now because it is late and I need to process all of the information I have worked through, but I'll tell you that the big scary bright spotlight of truth was turned on me this afternoon. I've realized something for the first time about myself and I have some real work to do to sort it out.

So how have I spent my day all alone? Here is a right-to-left list of the items on my coffee table:
- my passports - a brand new one and an old one and the mailing envelope that they came in
- a clothes catalogue
- a journal
- our telephone
- a pile of pens - two pink, one purple, one turquoise and one blue
- a black retractable Sharpie
- my laptop
- a knife
- a pair of scissors
- a Tim Horton's mug with half an inch of Zen tea in it (I never drink that bit at the bottom)
- a Laini's lady (the one that says, "Magic is Real")
- a pair of sunglasses
- Caroline Myss' Archetype Cards
- a half empty jar of Nutella
- one empty and one half-empty bottle of water
- another black pen (the kind that won't explode in airplanes!)
- another journal
- a 'Lush' catalogue
- a 2p coin
- a candle that smells like cookies
- a tape measure

Whew. Clearly I have been up to no good. I have no idea why I wanted to share this list. I guess I just wanted you to know I was here.

Our walk together.

"I still find each day too short for all the thoughts I want to think, all the walks I want to take, all the books I want to read, and all the friends I want to see." - John Burroughs

I took you for a walk today. I know I haven't been blogging very much. Working in a museum means that when everyone else is off work, we work our behinds off. Easter is especially busy and this week the weather has been gorgeous so we've been filled to the brim and I have been too tired at the end of the day to do much more than eat dinner and sit on the couch.

Last night I decided that I needed to restore perspective, so this morning I walked to work. It's about an hour and forty-five minutes walking across fields and along cliffs. The first half is uphill, but it's worth it for the views (and the last half, which is downhill!!) I thought about you along the way. I wondered how you were and I whispered prayers for your health and happiness to the wind.

I left my house at 7:15. Being out that early in the morning always reminds me of my days working at summer camp. Mornings feel different when you spend most of your day outside and you have to walk along a leafy trail to have your breakfast. So I started my walk thinking of summers past. I sent love and happy thoughts to the women who have been my friends for more than half of my life. (And I wondered about Gerb - the one of them who is supposed to be having twins right about now!)

I passed through my village (the second photo) and enjoyed having the beach to myself. As I climbed the cliffs, it suddenly became cloudy and the world became slightly silver as the sun continued to rise. I sent love and blessings to my tribe and my dear blogging friends and web-partner. They are all going through such intense changes and growth. From so far away, all I can do to be supportive is to love them and hold them tightly in my heart.

As I climbed higher, more faces and names tumbled through my head. I was suddenly hit by a deep feeling of loneliness. I felt lost for a few minutes. Most of the people who I love are so far away from me here. There is a vast sea separating me from my support system and sometimes I feel it like an icy grip on my heart. As I turned to look in the direction of North America, I found myself not alone at all! Seeing these three faces looking at me quizzically made me laugh out loud. Even that sound didn't frighten them. They watched me like this until I was nearly out of sight.

In many places on the path there are remnants and layers of history. There are walls that tumble off of cliffs and pillars in the middle of nowhere. Everywhere you walk, someone else has been there before. It makes me think of my Dad. The last time he was here he was fascinated by all of this. I long to have he and my Mom here to show them around. They are coming in July and I am already excited about taking them everywhere. Now if I could just get my brother and his wife and my niece over here... suggestions?

As I came down the last stretch of the path, the sun came through the clouds. "Wedding Day" by Rosie Thomas was playing on my ipod, and this was the view I was blessed with. I felt replenished and refocused and centered again. I had been lonely, but never alone on my journey. You were all there. Thank you so much for coming with me. Did you notice?

Where did you walk today?

"May the Bird of Paradise Fly up Your Nose!"

So I had a lovely sentimental email all written in my head today. Lots of people I know are going through serious, sad and scary stuff. As a result of this and of my own dissatisfaction, I am feeling quite a tenseness in my throat and chest. I think that this means that I am not expressing how I am feeling properly. (All of my emotions get stuck in my digestive system, whether that be my stomach or my throat.) So I had a deep think about what I wanted to say and I decided I would write it when I got home tonight.

But then things changed.

All day today I have had ridiculous songs in my head. It began with an irate customer giving me grief. Usually I can remain calm as I 'fix it.' Today I was getting frustrated and out of nowhere I heard the chorus of an old song fill my head. As the man walked away I distinctly heard, "May the bird of paradise fly up your nose!"

Now usually I try very hard to make sure I have positive feelings for people. Most of the time at work I can find the calm center of a situation and use that to diffuse it. But today I was on the edge. I could feel my tenseness growing. But then there it was. A voice in my head. It saved my day and the unexpected ridiculousness of it made me grin from ear to ear.

So I cannot fix your problems or heal your sadness, but I can tell you what helped me a little today. When someone bothers you or angers you or frustrates you, try smiling at them and letting your eyes sparkle a little. Silently wish them well and then sing a little ditty at them in your head. It goes like this: "May the bird of paradise fly up your nose!"

I guarantee you'll feel better.

(May the Bird of Paradise Fly Up Your Nose) - Lyrics

... and I'll write my sentimental post very soon, I promise.

A little love and kindness...

This is just a quick note to ask that you share some love and support and kindness with two dear friends of mine. Susannah and Thea are both going through an incredibly difficult time right now. If you have a moment, please stop by their sites and give them a few kind words. I know that they will appreciate them.

XO

March Adventures

"Everything we do counts." - Caroline Myss

Hello there - no, I am not dead, nor have I fallen off of the face of the earth and unfortunately I can't say that I have spent the past month typing my fingers to the bone as my last post would have you believe. I have been writing and I have a beautiful outline written and various scenes and parts of my new book almost totally flushed out. I have felt slightly possessed in my writing this time. It's slightly cliched to say so but I truly feel like this book is being whispered in my ear. I find whole scenes and parts arriving on paper in front of me as quickly as my pencil will go. It's frustrating that this has also been one of the busiest and most stressful times I have ever had at work. But luckily this book wants to be written. It is coming to me whether I sit down to write it or not.

Other than this, Mark and I have also been on a few adventures this month! We spent a lovely day in Exeter and stopped off on the way there at an antiques and architectural reclamation yard. I am completely in love with a huge iron gate that they have for sale and I needed to go and take a sneaky photograph. (If you look on their website under 'Gates at Toby's, it's the Jungle gate.) The place is just teeming with incredible treasures: doors and fireplaces and huge old bathtubs, art deco tiles, and a jumble of miscellaneous strange items. They used to have a huge statue of a witch that I absolutely loved. You can't see it properly in this photograph but right now they have a pair of enormous dog statues for sale that clearly used to sit on either side of the driveway of a stately home. Amazing.

We also went out for lunch with Mark's family to a hotel called Lewtrenchard. I had never been somewhere where the waiters put your napkin on your lap for you before!! On our way home we decided to work off our rich lunch by climbing to visit Brentor church. Half-way up we met a lovely couple coming down. She told us that they had been wanting to climb up to the church for years but had never had time. Now, at 87, she had finally climbed all of the way to the top - and she was in heels!

And as if all of those adventures weren't enough, on Saturday I met an angel! I have been stewing in my own juices a little bit lately and I decided to go out for a walk. I usually go over the cliffs and down to a big beach near us, but on Saturday I was nearly over the cliffs when I felt really drawn back along a different path.

It was low tide so I was able to walk straight across the smaller beach. I was alone except for an elderly man and his dog. As our paths crossed he greeted me and drew my attention to a pair of nesting seagulls. His dog jumped up to greet me and the man told me that the dog's name was Lucky. We stood and talked for a few minutes about the day and about some other things he had seen on the beach. Then he smiled and called Lucky to follow him. I smiled back, feeling happier than I have felt in ages. As I walked away I realized that I could see Lucky's footprints on the beach but none from the man. There was one other set walking in the same direction as my own but none coming towards me. Could he have been an angel? I sure hope so!

Whew! So now we're caught up! I'll try to be here more often now that my world has calmed a little. And how have you been?

Well, it worked!!!

First off, I am sorry that I did not come back and fill you in on how my 21 Day Challenge ended, but that's because it ended with a flash of inspiration! During the last week or so of my challenge the universe began sending me 'prep' signals. (The kind of signs that you don't notice you are getting until you put them all together at the end.) And then a few days ago I had a jolt of inspiration and I started writing. The result of that jolt was that I haven't been able to think about anything else. I have become an anti-social, non-blogging obsessive and I am thrilled about it!

I am a firm believer in fate. I can trace my trip towards my relationship with Mark back through time as far as age 12. Seriously. I can point to decisions I made and relationships I had as stepping stones on the journey. It has really put nights of tears in perspective when I can see now that at the time they were vital to my journey. I have come to believe that every single choice we make is important - either to our own journey or to someone else's. The web that connects us staggers me.

But sometimes, I forget - often, in fact - and I get caught up in the day to day struggles and tears that can fog your perspective on life. I have been caught there lately. I have been making the same choices and the same mistakes over and over, questioning my future and running into the same wall like some sort-of forgotten wind-up toy. Luckily the universe never stops reminding us. It never stops giving us signs and signals if we can just learn to read and notice them.

Shortly before going to Bath I picked up 'The Red Book,' by Sera Beak again for a proper read. I have been savoring it slowly, taking the time to actually do some of the things that she suggests. Slowing down with a daily meditation has been so good for me. I have started paying attention again. When we went to the Roman Baths I was enchanted by the face that had once graced the top of the temple (the picture above.) I don't know who he was supposed to be, but he really captured me. If you look you can see that he has wings tangled in his hair. I am a sucker for secret wings.

So I started paying attention. Things began speaking to me and I remembered them or jotted them down. I didn't see why I was so taken with the image of the goddess Minerva. I didn't see why I was so drawn to another book, or why a story I had remembered from my childhood kept ringing in my ears. Then I was reading another part of 'The Red Book' and this sentence leaped off of the page at me: "And remember, it's not always about the choice you make but, rather, the reasons behind that choice." (pg 115) Suddenly, lightning struck. The pieces fell into place, and I was off.

So, dear readers, I am sorry if I am not here very often, but I am finally writing again and I don't want to stop while it wants to be written. It's making me tingle. It's making me feel nervous - like I shouldn't be the one to write this - and I know that that is a good sign. There is energy there, sizzling away under my fingers and out into the universe. Mark told me last night that I needed to make sure I wrote from my heart and not my head, and he's right. For the first time in a long time it is my heart that is winning the race to get words out. So I don't want to do anything but write them down.

"... when you play small, you are, in essence, denying the divine's grandness." - Sera Beak