September 30.

“One evening a Cherokee elder told his grandson about the battle that goes on inside of people. He said, “My son, the battle is between the two ‘wolves’ that live inside us all. One is Unhappiness. It is fear, worry, anger, jealousy, sorrow, self-pity, resentment, and inferiority. The other is Happiness. It is joy, love, hope, serenity, kindness, generosity, truth, and compassion.”
The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather, “Which wolf wins?”
The old Cherokee simply replied, “The one you feed.”
~ Marci Shimoff from Happy for No Reason

This morning I am up early to work on my new website, and I have gotten so wrapped up in it that I am likely going to be late for work. But today, I don't care. It's a big day for me. Today is the last day of September. October, my birth month, is just around the corner. On the 25th I will turn 35. This weekend I am hoping to launch a brand new website focused on... well... you'll see!!

So that is where I am. I'm feeling like a huge door is opening in front of me, getting ready for this next step. Today I am going to walk to work through the beautiful crisp autumn air. I am going to breathe deep and enjoy the world around me. I've been feeling incredibly connected lately, but I think it is simply because I have been paying attention. So I hope to enjoy this last day of September even with my swirling brain. I'll see you again this weekend!

xo

Nothing

"The effect of the Joy Diet is to shine a light into our hiding places, allowing us to see and remember ourselves and our reasons for being." - Martha Beck

(Hello there! I am sorry I have been away for so long. I've been told my blog over the past few weeks was boring - giggle - I know it's boring to come and see the same old post, but all I can say is that I promise to make it up to you very very soon.)

I've been meaning to begin Jamie's new book group ever since last week. The trouble is that the book is The Joy Diet by Martha Beck and the first thing that you have to embrace is nothing. That's right, you have to do nothing for a few minutes every day. It sounds so easy to type it here, but it has been so hard.

I tried to get up early and do nothing in the morning. But it turns out nothing + early morning + jet lag equals sleep. I tried to do nothing when I got home from work - but there was always something! Then, without actually meaning to on Friday morning (a full week after I should have been doing it every day) I did it. I woke up on my day off and didn't immediately get up. I realized that nothing is something I actually do once in a awhile already, but I have always called it filing. When I have been really busy, sometimes I find myself lying in bed and just thinking. I can almost hear the files slipping into place in my brain as I make sense of what has been going on in my world.

So it turns out that I shouldn't have tried to do nothing, I should have just done it because I already know how to do it. And now I just need to keep on doing nothing at least once a day.

Giggle. Maybe Truth will be easier.

Is all of this hoping healthy?

"From the urgent way lovers want each other to the seeker's search for truth, all moving is from the mover. Every pull draws us to the ocean." -Rumi

I remember having a conversation once with a friend about wanting. I remember her saying that she sometimes wished that she could just be one of those people who was content. The word content gushed out of her mouth with equal amounts of desire and contempt. For her, content had somehow come to equal boring, but also freedom from the constant state of longing that had come to pervade her life.

I could relate then, and I can relate now. I am working at a job that could easily be a career, but I am hoping to get my book published and make a living from that. I am trying to love myself as is, while still trying to lose 40 pounds and make my body healthy and my self vibrant. I am happily married to a wonderful man, but a large part of my heart lives in a completely different country. At no point in my life do I ever sit down in my chair and look at my life and think, 'yes.' I always seem to have something to do to get me somewhere else. It is exhausting.

I have to wonder if I should just stop already. Should I just focus on the career and leave the big dreams of publication? Should I admit to myself that I am going to be heavy forever and forget my hopes of health? Should I ignore my hope that someday I am going to take care of orphaned baby elephants or do a book tour or run workshops for women, or be able to travel whenever and wherever I want to? Should I stop looking forward in my life and start living in it right now? Is it possible to do both?

Is all of this hoping healthy?