Monday, May 28, 2007

new normal.

"Listen, are you breathing just a little,
and calling it a life?...
For how long will you to continue to listen to
those dark shouters,
caution and prudence?
Fall in! Fall in!" - Mary Oliver

Quoted in "Oprah," June 2007.

I am feeling so overwhelmed by yuckiness right now. I have a wicked, evil cold, an inflamed nerve in my shoulder, and Mark and I are doing DIY. I am a lot of things that are great. I am NOT a good DIY'er. I get cranky. Two years ago when we had an extension of sorts built on our flat, I got a real stomach ulcer from the stress. So when I say I am a bad DIY'er, I mean it.

I spent most of the weekend painting. We decided on 'Almond White' for the walls. (Hilariously it has dried with a definite pink tone.) I painted while Mark worked on our bathroom. My parents are coming for just over a week in July and I wanted one of the walls to look better for their visit. It's turned into a full-blown fix-fest.

When I was going through some sadness a few years ago I was intrigued by the concept of creating a 'new normal.' As I was standing in our kitchen last night the idea came back into my head. I looked at our new walls, and I realized that I already had trouble remembering what it looked like before. I was already forgetting the yellow that I had lived with for four years. I had already begun to experience 'new normal.'

When big changes or big sadness or big emotions happen in our lives, gaps are created; we don't fit anymore, and things will never be the same. Normal as we knew it is no longer possible, and we can either get stuck in the muck of what-ifs or we can create a new normal. I realized last night that all of the things that I have been struggling with have been because I am continuing with the same old shit. I have been reenacting the same old patterns as if I was the same old me. But I am not the same woman that moved to England all of those years ago. I am so different in a lot of ways.

Ironically as I made these huge realizations, I came down with a stonking cold that has forced me onto the couch. Never mind. A kick in the ass is a step forward, right?! So I got a kick in the ass AND a time-out all at the same time. I think I'm going to take the time-out first and then take the kick in the ass when I am feeling better. But don't worry, I will try to learn the lessons of both!


(The photograph above was taken by the gorgeous Susannah.)

Monday, May 21, 2007

My Big Blogging Break

"Love who you are and what you do. Laugh at yourself and at life, and nothing can touch you. It's all temporary anyway. Next time you will do it differently anyway, so why not do it differently right now?" - Louise Hay

Where I am/ where I have been - A List.

1. I have been writing. This has been overwhelming because the more I write the more my projects fill me. If I ignore the urges and I don't write in the day, I can get on with my life quite easily. If I get up and write in the morning, I can't seem to stop. I find myself scribbling on any scrap of paper I can find, making notes, writing all day long. It frightens me and I can see why I stopped writing in the first place.

2. I am also overwhelmed by my need to change. I have been trying to work with the Law of Attraction, but I have so many things I want for myself (healthy weight, published book, successful website, clean house, good relationships) that I feel tightly stretched over my life. I feel like I need to pick one at a time to focus on, but none of these things can wait. I get so excited about all of my possibilities and I can't get focused on just one. It's tricky.

3. I have been going to work. It's been hard. I am in desperate need of a holiday!! Luckily I get to spend this weekend with a dear friend!!

4. I have been trying to cook more. I always get flack because I don't cook very often. Mark cooks almost every meal. He is an astounding cook. I am not. I have been known to cry when faced with putting a plate together. I call this picture, "Why Mark Cooks." I was making Cottage Pie & this is our kitchen. Yeesh.

5. I have become addicted to Nutella. I put it on ginger-oat biscuits. This is not good for the healthy weight portion of my goals. (I am slightly horrified to see that it has a website. Should I be?)

6. I am forcing myself to wait to read the new Joanne Harris book. I LOVE her writing. 'Chocolat' is one of my favorite books and this is apparently a follow-on from that book. I have it sitting right beside me on my table as I type. It's calling me. It's tempting me. But I am not allowed to read it until I have written five days in a row. I realized after making that vow that I am going away this weekend, so I am going to have to wait until next weekend. Sigh.

7. Please accept my apologies if I do not come here very often. My job takes up so much energy that when I get home I don't have very much to give, and I need to give it to my goals. I'll let you know how my visit goes this weekend!! YAY for mini-breaks with friends!!

8. Here is a little beauty for your life. Go here to make one for yourself - it's fabulous!

B E A U T y - blue star memorial