Saturday, December 02, 2006

What a MONTH!!

"Long have you timidly waded holding a plank by the shore, now I will you to be a bold swimmer, to jump off into the midst of the sea, rise again, nod to me, shout! and laughingly dash with your hair." - Walt Whitman

I think that in the future I will look back at November of 2006 as a point where my life really changed. What a month I have had. This morning I sat and read through Michelle's lovely post about her creative dreams and I became nearly frozen in a deep reverie. I feel so different now. I left blogging for a month hoping to sit at this computer and work my ass off. I hoped to get big leaps towards one of my dreams. I hoped that by today things would be different. BOY are they - but not in the way that I'd thought.

At the beginning of the month I went to Seattle. I came back from that reeling with potential and connection and friendship. I came home ready to get on with the business of writing. Then two weekends ago my Grandmother died. Within 24 hours Mark and I were on our way to Heathrow airport and a day and a half later I was at her funeral. I held my niece (and Goddaughter!) on my lap through much of the service, and was held in the tight circle of my family. My Grandmother would have been proud. Both she and my Grandfather gave us all the gift of knowing how important family is. She was an incredibly - almost unbelievably - positive person. I learned a lot from her and I will probably write more about her in the future. In the meantime, we've lost her and she will be deeply, deeply missed.

Between these two trans-Atlantic journeys I have been working and sick in nearly equal amounts. I seem to stumble between the deep desire to sit on the couch watching television and spending hours at my desk spilling my ideas and desires onto the page. It seems deeply unfair to me that I am so inspired and so snotty at the same time. I feel tingles in my writing fingers. I feel like there aren't enough hours in the day to do all of the reading/ writing/ journaling/ creating/ connecting I want to do, but by the time I come home from work all my body wants to do is curl up in a ball and be sick. As I write this I wonder how to look at the illness as a part of my metamorphosis... but maybe it's the cold medicine talking.

I used to wonder if I would ever get where I wanted to be. I think this month, more than any other time in my life, has let me see clearly where that actually IS. I have a vision of what I want my life to look like and what I want to look back on and be proud of when it is over. I know two things now that I didn't really know then. I know that the only thing holding me back from everything I want is me. And I know that I am not alone on this journey. I thought I knew all of that before. But now, thanks to the lessons of this past November, I think I might actually understand it too.

"I may not have gone where I intended to go, but I think I have ended up where I intended to be." - Douglas Adams.


deirdre said...

I'm so sorry about your Grandmother. And to hear that you've been sick all month. It can sometimes seem like we're being held back from goals by circumstances, but the time out can offer new perspective. I hope you feel better soon. And get back to writing all those thoughts bouncing around in your head.

Anonymous said...

I'm so sorry for your loss, Meg.

It sounds like November has been the building of a new foundation for you. I have confidence that the things you have experienced, witnessed and learned will give you renewed confidence as you celebrate the holidays and embark on a new year of creating.

It's good to have you back :D

ceanandjen said...

Welcome back! Thank you so very much for your sweet comment on my blog; I am so happy meet you as well!

I am so sorry to hear of your loss. It sounds like your grandmother was an absolutely beautiful soul who had a large impact on your life. My thoughts are with you.

What a profound month you had, both with the highs and lows. It is wonderful that you reached the other side having gained some insightful and life altering conclusions. This is beautiful.

Take good care...xoxoxoxo...Jen

sophie said...

I am so happy you are back
with your lovely face and
beautiful pictures and
wonderful spirit:)

susanna said...

I'm sorry to hear about your grandmother's death. From reading your post about her, it sounds like she had a fulfilling life, surrounded by a loving family. What a great image of her (and your grandfather?). They look so content and in love in this photograph.
As for getting to where you want to sounds like you ARE making steps towards those goals. I can certainly relate to feeling like there aren't enough hours in the day. Babysteps and mini-goals...or at least that's what I keep reminding myself! ;p You'll get there!

Alexandra S said...

You and your grandmother were lucky to have one another. There is a quote I love: "Memories are our roses in winter." I've always loved the thought that the people we love can continue to live on through us after they pass by us choosing to take on those qualities we most loved and miss in them. I'm glad Mark could go with you too back home. And you are so right about us being our own obstacles and that we can open the gate and let us out of our own pens. You are capable and in the process of creating the life you want and I look very forward to reading about it as you cultivate it more and more.

Bohemian Girl said...

i am holding you in my heart, sweet meg.

you've been on my mind constant. i miss you so much and it was difficult to be away from you during this time.

you've had a heavy month. promise me you'll be gentle with yourself and to be okay being whatever you are in that moment.

wish i could snuggleupagainst you and do what we do best...bosom love.

hee hee.

i love you deeply, kindred.


Anonymous said...

Sorry about your grandmother. Hope you are feeling well and stronger soon.

Colleen said...

Hi Meg!
I'm so sorry for your loss. Big hug for you.
Yes I am free! Jay has a work party earlier in the week so it'll be my turn for a night out. Yay! I can't wait. Just let me know where and when... (The pagent is the night before). Anyway, it's nice to see you back on here, take care of yourself. Looking forward to seeing you.

Anonymous said...

I am inspired by your honesty and expression. Hang in there.

Jamie said...

Welcome back, Meg! It's so good to hear your voice here again.

I'm so sorry for the loss of your grandmother. What a special presence she has been in your life and in your families.

And what commitment I hear to your dreams! May the Lessons of November serve you well :)

And drop me a line to tell me when you'll be in T.O.! I'd love to share a tea or a toast with you :)

susanlavonne said...

What a powerfully written account, Megg. You beautifully penned a full range of experiences and emotions in this one post. If you haven't heard it enough already, let one more voice encourage you to continue to follow your dream...if for no other reason than because you possess a tremendous amount of talent to keep you moving forward :-)
Sincere condolences on the loss of your Grandmother...somehow they do manage to be with us throughout our entire lives I'm happy to say.

Anonymous said...

So glad you're back with us... feel better! Can't wait to see what you've been working on... keep us posted!!!

Anonymous said...

it sounds like November has really brought you some profound realizations -- i love times like that! i'm glad you're back, and i am so sorry to hear abou the loss of your grandmother

la vie en rose said...

it feels so good to read your words...and see your smiling face...

i so totally get it. i had no idea that november would end up being the month that it has. i thought i would leave our weekend changed but this is more than changed. it's almost like i'm a new woman--a woman more confident, a woman who treats herself with more love and tenderness, a woman who is starting to believe...

i'm so glad i've been a part of all of this that is unfolding in your life and that you are a part of mine. it makes me keenly aware of the power of sisterhood.

chest of drawers said...

So sorry about your Grandmother...what a month of ups and owns you´ve had. So glad to have you back finally!

Laini Taylor said...

That photo of your grandparents is so wonderful and beautiful -- along with your words about them here and in the past it really shows the kind of beautiful people they were. How lucky you are to have had them! I'm really glad you're feeling in such a positive place with your dreams and your goals -- and I know what it's like to be sick while you're trying to be inspired!! Hope you're feeling better soon.

Megan said...

I'm so sorry you lost your Grandmother. Definitely a life changing transition I think.

As far as your writing dream goes, please, please, please give yourself grace (you know, some forgiveness and understanding). It's hard to dive into your creative dream. But i would say if reading about the dreams of others is making you feel that way and if you writing hands are itching them maybe you aren't doing as much as you could be. Maybe try a SMALL writing goal, just a little something to play with and get your motor rev'd up.

Hey, you never know. Maybe youthought November was the month of big changes and really, it was just a month of getting ready for the Year of Seeking Your Dream - 2007.

(Out of curiousity, what do you write?)