Sunday, September 10, 2006

another rough post

Here I am again sitting at my computer NOT writing for Sunday Scribblings and apologizing for not being here (or at other people's sites) more this week. Actually, I feel like this post is sort-of going to be Sunday Scribblings-y because this week's prompt is to write about something you'd never thought you'd be writing about and I am about to write about something deeply embarrassing. There are a few things that I was sure that I would never write about. One is sex. I know that my parents and other family members read this and besides that I think I am kind-of shy and defensive when it comes to sharing that part of my life. There are things that are too personal to share.

The other thing I never thought I would share is a really embarrassing story. Even now I wonder if I won't post this or whether I will go back and delete it in a day or two. Last night I went to an Ann Summers party. My friend hosted it. It's kind of like a filthy tupperware party. I was actually really excited to go because there are a FEW things that aren't trashy in their catalogue. I am also really trying to have more confidence in myself and my appearance. (Besides, I was intrigued to see their.... merchandise up close without having to go to a store.)

I need to write this very small so that I feel less nervous telling the story. They were passing a pair of sexy knickers around and one of my coworkers was sitting on the floor beside me. She and another friend were commenting on how huge they were. As she passed them to me she said, "There you go, these are about your size." I said, "Thanks a lot, weren't you just saying how huge they were?!" And she said to the other friend that she hadn't realized that I could hear her. I felt sick for the rest of the party.

So today I'm feeling rubbish and crap and the sick thing about my hardwiring is that all I want to do is eat my weight in chocolate. I have lost 30 lbs in the past year or so. I have been getting up early every single day for the past few weeks to work out. I have signed up for a half marathon - and all of that confidence can be completely destroyed with one off-hand remark. I wish I was the kind of person who could get furious and use it to keep strong but instead I am the kind of person who feels shattered and thrown off course.

All I want in the world is to never have to think about my weight ever again.

31 comments:

ruby said...

oh megg, i'm so sorry to hear about the insensitive, shallow, and rude comments that your coworkers made. it really sounds like you have been making conscious decisions about your health for the past year and have reaped the benefits (a 30 lb weight loss is no small feat!). be gentle with yourself and remember all the hard work that you've put in thus far...it takes a lot of discipline to get up and work out day after day and continue to challenge oneself with marathons and the like...there are plenty of people out there (perhaps your coworkers?) that don't struggle with their weight, but don't show the type of discipline and self-care that you've shown...

Jennifer said...

Be strong! 30 lbs. is an amazing accomplishment and doing a 1/2 marathon - woo hoo!

liz elayne said...

oh my dear friend this speaks volumes about who she is and really doesn't say a thing about you. but i know that doesn't help. it simply does not in moments like this one. how i know these moments.

my hope for you is that you will honor the magic of your life. of the fact that you are running a half marathon and that you have LOST THIRTY POUNDS. that you are learning to love yourself and who you are and that you are letting go of the negative self-image. don't let this woman be in charge of you and your reaction to your life.

i just want to go on and on here but i think that means i should write you an email instead.
peace and love to you,
liz

liz elayne said...

PS Other than this crappy comment, did you have fun at the party? Did you buy anything? Learn anything (hee, hee)?

Susannah said...

okay, i'm going to have to swear, so i apologise in advance to your readers - but who the FUCK does that girl think she is? what a fucking BITCH! Meg, i'm getting in the car and i'm coming down to devon to knee cap her - i know people too ;-) did she even apologise, cos if she didn't i'm serious - i'm coming down tomorrow and i'll sort it out! GRRRR

sweetheart, please don't let a stupid thoughtless remark like that get to you - and i know it has - but you are so gorgeous (and i know, cos i've MET YOU) and i'm so proud of you for all you are doing... i'm sending you so many hugs right now - can you feel them? xxx

Colorsonmymind said...

I am ready to come down there too and shove those knickers down that slobs throat. WTF?

This made me cry-this post-how you felt-how I felt just hearing it second hand. I am a little embarassed to say how shocked I was that someone would be so callous.

You are so loved my dear-you are so strong-getting up for weeks to exercise is amazing and good and strong willed-don't give it up.

Try to vent-write emails-blog posts-cry do whatever you can to try to feel the feelings you want to shove down with chocolate.

I wish you would look in the mirror and read this out loud:

I am strong
I am healthy
I am beautiful
I am loved
I am admired
I inspire others
I am perfect just the way I am.

All these things are true sweetheart.

I am so glad you wrote about it.

Love to you
XOXO

Meg said...

Megg,

I, too, am the sort of person who "feels shattered and thrown off" instead of furious about experiences like this one. I know how you are feeling, and I just want to say that, however cliche, I find you a beautiful person just from all your words I have read here! And I have never even seen you. And even if I were to see you, I don't care if you are 400 lbs. and growing purple fungus on your face, I still think you are a lovely person!

Perhaps all this means nothing from a total stranger, but it is also obvious from the comments you receive that you have many people and friends who think the exact same :) I hope that uplifts you.

Jessie said...

I've struggled with feeling overweight for a long time....but the most frustrating part is that I bike and/or walk 2-3 hours a day and do my best to eat healthy. I've been beating myself up over my weight for too long. A couple days ago, as I was biking home from work, I had a moment of epiphany: I AM the ideal weight for MY body. I mean, really, how many people work out 3 hours a day? I might never be as skinny as I once was or as thin as I wish I could be. The important thing is that I FEEL healthy. Sure, I wish I wore a smaller pants size...but I AM healthy. I'm doing my best and I know you are too. I'm working on looking at myself in terms of health, not pant size. When I'm successful at that, I notice that I instantly feel stronger and more beautiful. Maybe us women just need to remind each other of that once in awhile. I applaud you for taking care of yourself. Be happy with yourself. You are beautiful.
:)

melba said...

Last year I had my children's librarian asked me when my baby was due. Of course I got all red in the face and said I am not pregnant. She is a very lovely woman and even though I know she didn't mean harm I had to put on my thick skin and let it roll off me and NOT spiral. See that is what use to happen to me ... a comment about my weight and everything would spiral...the comment would repeat in my head a million times and then suddenly my whole life felt like crap and I would hate myself and nothing would be good or seem like it would ever be good again. But I have learned how to STOP the downward spiral. Most of the time it is important and healthy to explore our feeling, but in cases of comments I think it is important to get out your armor (and I remember kind of visually doing this for myself that day) put it on and imagine the comment just slidding off you.

and repeat over and over
I am strong
I am beautiful
I am worthy

XOXO,
Melba

Cate said...

Oh, I am sick, disheartened, by the insensitivity of certain people. I will never figure out cruelty. I will never figure out why some individuals take pleasure in making hurtful remarks . . . I often try to analyze them--the remarks, the people--but can come up with nothing. And you can never prepare; every hurtful remark knocks me flying, destroys my balance. I feel your ache.

Please, Megg, please realize how much of an inspiration you are to so many of us. You are one of the most beautiful people I know. Please continue to take care of yourself. Please continue to practice loving yourself. Please continue to express yourself with a magnificent combination of words. Thinking of you!

xo,
Cate

chest of drawers said...

I sooo know how you feel...some people just don´t realise and if they did they´d probably feel even bigger in their boots because that´s just the type of shallow people they are. You are georgeous and lovely and your warm spirit shines through to me - so listen to us and not to them, we know you better.

M said...

Oh sweetie, what a horirble thing for her to say. I wish I could come over and give you a big hug. I agree with Susannah - I'll come kick her ass as well!! You definitely don't deserve this. I think you are a beautiful, strong woman who has so much to give. I've seen your photos and I know it through your words and experiences too.
You've lost 30lbs., that's amazing!! Well done!! And you're running and making the effort to be healthy, that woman has no idea at all how stupid she is!
I hope you are feeling better. Or coming up with a good plan to get rid of her!;)
xoxoxoxo

Robyn said...

Dear Megg, Just from reading this blog regularly I can 'see' you are such a sweet, kind, sensitive, inspiring, darling girl.(I could go on). You are working so hard to improve yourself and this awful creature with her insensitive remarks just pulls the rug out from under you. As my dear old aunt used to say "What do you expect from a pig but an oink". Please dear Megg just picture her in a pig pen wallowing in swill!!

Jamie said...

Okay, I'm a nice person and all, but I want to bop that woman in the nose!

I'm so glad that you were brave and shared this comment because look at the outpouring of love from your tribe! We all see the fantastic, special, magical, gorgeous woman you are! We're celebrating with you all your magnificent accomplishments and hugging your tender self!

Karen said...

I'm so sorry about that awful comment---it makes me want to go and take those girls out. If they're going to act like teenagers, then I'll act like another teenager and go and beat them up (but don't tell Sophie that her mommy resorts to resolving conflict with violence :) tee hee) That's so hard that something that you were looking so forward to ended up with a sad heart. Hummfff....you are doing a fantastic job--you are working so hard. You need to listen to all of these people that love you, NOT those nasty hearted women. You looked beautiful a year ago. You look beautiful now. Screw em.

xegbp said...

I do not leave many comments on people's post but I have been reading your blog for a few months now after discovering the link on my friend Alex's blog. I enjoy your writing and your thoughts and I felt the need to leave a comment today because I am horrified by this persons actions. We as woman need to learn to reprogram our brains. We should never even think of making such a comment. It is always hurtful and I can sympathize with your feelings, I too have felt that way. You have nothing to be embarrassed about. This woman should be embarrassed.

Colleen said...

Meg! "Girls" like that are really not worthy of being at a party with a "lady" like yourself. I've known girls like that who get their kicks from embarassing others for one reason or another. In many cases they are just jealous of those they embarass. She's probably just jealous of all that you have acomplished this year. Also you should be so proud of yourself, I know it's hard but just remember you have the love of a great man, your wonderful family and all of us friends. We all know you're as the young'uns say "the bomb". I'm with Karen, we'll fly out and kick her butt if you want!! xoxo

Madeleine said...

i have just read a post talking about how words can hurt and offend us all. that any words which part from our lips should only do so if they are truly meant and from the heart. once said the hurt they inflict can never be taken back, and this sadly,is all too common.
i wish i could tell you to ignore it and that it doesn't matter, but it does and it hurts. it does though say so much more about the other person than it does about you, my love.
as the others have commented, you have shown enormous discipline and committment to your running and losing weight, and this is not an easy task, and not one that i could do. EVER!
i am proud of you and think you are a remarkable woman.
don't let the bastards drag you down, though, you've come too far.

lots of love
xxx

la vie en rose said...

oh sweetheart you and me both. and i would have reacted the same way. even though i would have known how much i've accomplished other people's remarks and other people's failure to see/acknowledge all my work weighs heavy on me. i know how hard it is to let go of the comments and just when you think you have it sneaks back in again. ...know this...you are loved, you are loved, you are loved...now, in your mind tell those ladies to f*@ck off....and give 'em the bird...then wrap your arms around yourself and squeeze tight!

kelly rae said...

it's weird how people have to pass off their own insecurities to other people - especially women. it's mean spirited and it's not right. they are not right!

you are amazing. losing 30 pounds? that's something to be very proud of. keep pushing towards the half marathon and show those girls who you are: a brilliant, lovely, confident, woman. one who isn't defined by her size. you are lovely.

b/sistersshoes said...

Oh love...that was mean and nasty and I'm sorry it even happened. You are a sweetie pie and I wish duct tape was smaller, so that it would fit into our purses and we could USE it to SHUT stupid mouths that don't know better!

Let me kick their butts...big sister style ;-)

love you honey
xxx d

sophie said...

what pathetic women - sad -
i am all worked up now -
they must be quite insecure
about themselves and lacking
in generosity of spirit in
general to talk like that -
it's not about YOU silly -
it says so much about them-
and nothing illuminating...
whereas you glow - truly -
glow - they must have been
jealous...

so there.

doc-t said...

This reminds me of something that happened a few years back. I was out one evening, running with my friend Don. We got to the end of our run and were catching our breath and what not.

Then, I heard a small voice. "How does a fat bastard like your manage to actually run?"

I looked around, "What? Who the smurf said that?!"

The voice spoke again, "I did, Babar! Your ears must be clogged up with fat!"

I started feeling that fire inside, "Look, whoever and whereever you are, go find a real life, or do the world a favor and go remove yourself from the gene pool. I'm under the assumption that a moron like yourself hasn't had the opportunity to mate."

"I'm down here, Jumbo!" the voice cried, "Can you see over you stomach?"

I looked down, but the only creature I saw was a cockroach looking up at me from the edge of the side walk.

"Yeah, that's right!" the cockroach yelled out. (true story!) It's me talking, Super-size!" this time he laughed at the nick-name he'd given me.

"You're a smurfing cockroach." I noted.

"Yeah, so what? What's your point, beachball?" he asked.

"You're just a smurfing, cockroach! What the smurf do I care, what a cockroach thinks. You walk around in fungus, mold, the excrement of any other creature, and you eat stuff that would make a sewer rat puke."

He looked indignant, "So?"

I laughed, "Well, for a moment there, I really started to get smurfed off," I laughed, "but you're just a smurfing cockroach!" I laughed even harder. "You're an ugly little insignificant, bottom of the food chain, scum eating, light fearing, crevice dwelling, creature, dispised by much of the world!!! and you're going to give your opinion of me?" I laughed even harder.

"What's so funny, extra-wide?!" he yelled.

"Well, two things," I began. "First, I'm laughing at myself because I just remembered, it's not the opinion others have of me that matters. It's what I think of MYSELF that matters. and secondly, it's funny that an ugly little thing like yourself would actually criticize any other living creature!" I laughed even harder. "You live by eating the waste that others leave behind! You're pathetic. I almost for sorry for you...but then, you're a roach. And talking to you is like talking to a republican about honesty and truth... it's a waste of time... I'm outta here."

So Don and I walked away from the little cockroach as he continued to hurl insuilts, but after realizing he was just a smurfing roach, I knew his opinion wasn't worth listening to and in the cosmic scheme of things...he mattered not one bit...

Now that i remember the story, I kind of wish I had squished him, but then again...He's just a smurfing cockroach....

doc-t said...

That's a true story! Some people don't believe it...

They refuse to believe that I can actually run...

Amy said...

Wow. I would have reacted the same way to that comment. I've struggled with my weight for years, especially after having children. It's an awful ordeal and I still think about every piece of food that I put in my mouth. I know the pain of it, I know how much it sucks to want to eat your weight in chocolate!

It perfectly okay to let that comment burn a little bit, to admit that it made you feel like hell - just stay on your path and keep flippin' moving!

Laini Taylor said...

Uck, what a sucky story. People can be so awfully thoughtless. I had an experience like that just the other night but with strangers and it made me feel sick for hours. I really didn't care what the strangers thought, but it still HURT!

Alexandra S said...

Megg,
I'll tell you this story so you don't feel so bad I hope and will just serve to remind you that while there truly are some incredibly rotten people in the world, they are stuck with themselves while YOU get to live out your whole life with your amazing, wonderful, vibrant heart and soul. So here is the little story: The other night some of us bloggers me for dinner. Afterwards we had gelato and were standing around outside and there are these multiple sculptures of pigs righht there on the sidewalk and they happen to be not only outside the gelato shop but DIRECTLY outside a bar and its windows. Laini said, "Lets sit on them and take a group photo!" so we all positioned ourselves on these pigs while various people took turns taking photos, all the while this group of a-hole, frat guys sat in the window laughing hysterically and because I could lip read some of what they said, I can just tell you the comments were cruel and so incredibly obnoxious. I wanted to go in there and punch them I was so pissed at their disgustingness. So you aren't alone. there are these insensitive, rude, cocky people in the world and they have nothing to do with you. You are beautiful no matter what shape or size you are. As one who also has dealt with being larger than I want to be in recent years, I know it just sucks sometimes but I am deeply inspired by your hard work and marathon running! wow!

Patry Francis said...

It was Christmas about fifteen years ago when someone me presented me with a box of underpants as a gift--size HUGE. In fact, huger than necessary. When I opened them up, a litle boy who was present laughed at their size and the spiteful giver tee-heed behind her hands.

I've never forgotten, but I'd still rather be the girl with the huge underpants than the one who got pleasure from her cruel gift. They are the ones who should write their stories in tiny letters, not you.

Skyelarke said...

Megg,
Sorry to hear about the rudeness. It's so sad how ppl not only feel the need to make comments, but that these comments affect us and impact us so deeply. Please be PROUD of your accomplishments & life style changes. They are not anything to take lightly. It takes determination, will-power & perseverence. Even tho negative comments wound, please think of something positive in your life and everytime your mind starts to replay the negative, insert a positive and refuse to let her get you down.

Anonymous said...

Megg,
I know that hollow feeling in the pit of my stomach when something like that happens...

I just want to add my two cents - be gentle with yourself...

Something that really helped me with that tendency to collapse when someone said something icky to me was listening to Clarissa Pinkola Estes - Warming the Stone Child. Her voice is so soothing and her wisdom and kindness is the mothering I never had. She helps you develop an internal nurturing mother who you can turn to when you are in need of a hug.

Love,
Julie in Virginia

deirdre said...

Oh, sweetie, people can be so carelessly shitty. I wish I could pass some wonderful piece of wisdom along to you, some magic words that would make it not hurt, but I don't know any. Really, though, it's more about their emptiness than anything about you.