Monday, October 02, 2006

I miss...

The last few times I have posted I have done it with a lump forming in my throat. It's not that I am sad, or even very unhappy, it's more that I have felt like I was lying a little bit. I've been trying to write about other things when all I want to say is how much I am missing at home. I'm actually boring myself going on about how homesick I am, so I am going to get it all out right here, right now.

I keep getting home 'flashes.' I'll be going about my day and I will suddenly get a vivid picture in my head of somewhere in Canada. It's unusual for me because I have real problems with visualization. If you asked me to picture somewhere in my head, I can't do it. I can feel a place, smell a place, or know a place but I can't make a visual image in my brain. But it's that brain that seems to be determined to make me 'see' home.

Last week I had a flash of a sushi restaurant I have been to a few times with my friend Karen. I was absolutely there for a moment. Other times it has been the intersection at Lansdowne street, my Mom's office, a bookstore, a coffee shop. I will be there for a moment and then I'll be back here again, filled with longing for home and sad that I can't capture that moment again on my own. I wish I could figure out what my brain is doing to me.

So please humour me while I make a list - a partial list - of the things and places that I am thinking of and missing. I'm not putting many people in it because then I'll cry and that won't be productive at all.

* a Tim Horton's 'everything' bagel with herb and garlic cream cheese
* driving through Peterborough and going to Chapters (and the attached Starbuck's)
* the fall colours that I know are happening
* my niece who is being Christened next weekend in the dress that I was Christened in
* Thanksgiving this weekend & the big family dinner
* anything and everything cooked by my Mom (today my hankering is for a Dutch dish I can't pronounce on here involving mashed potatoes and huge meatballs!)
* the feeling of space around you
* a coffee shop on every single corner of every single road
* convenience stores (yes, it's a weird thing to miss but I do.)
* sushi with friends
* fitting in (not being asked, "So where are you from?")
* shopping malls - big ones (is that shallow?)
* my family & friends (and several babies of friends who are growing up quickly!)
* Wendy's hamburgers
* my VERY favorite band is playing in concert in Toronto in October. (amended later - I might get to see them afterall somewhere else!)
* having breakfast with my parents
* time alone in office supply stores (we live in a very small village here!)
* t.v. series that start in October and finish in the spring
* a restaurant in Peterborough called, "Hot Belly Mama's" that makes the best sweet potato french fries!
* my books - although I am slowly ferreting the collection over here it's still pretty massive over there
* the slightly northern southern Ontario landscape
* trees

There's lots more but I will leave it there. I don't want to sound like I don't like it here, because I do - I'm just missing where I am from.


Alexandra S said...

I have been there, though never not knowing I likely wouldn't be moving back. OR are you two thinking of ever moving to Canada at some point? In any event, I hope writing this post helped Megg. Sometimes you do just have to ride the homesickness out but its no fun at all. I remember when I lived in Bulgaria and getting the most intense craving I have ever ever had EVER for a Starbucks frappachino and I say without exaggeration it felt like torture knowing that I could not have one for months! I could mail you a Wendy's hamburger but I think it would be a little icky by the time it reached you! Sending you a big hug and a big mug of tea!

Colleen said...

Hey you! I remember the yummy suishi restaurant too. Maybe we should start planning a trip there for your next visit home with all the gang. Also maybe another camp reunion.... sometimes when you look forward to something like that it helps. Also it's thundering and raining here so not that exciting a day in Canada. :o) Big hugs, Colleen

Jane Poe (aka Deborah) said...

I think it's healthy to miss things (people, places, etc) that you truly love ... good for you for expressing it.

bee said...

my sister went to trent and so i spent/spend a lot of my time in the p-dot. i had this inkling when you mentioned lansdowne that it was there....and i totally agree, hot belly's does make the best sweet potato fries (i started making them because i got addicted off one plate.)
i'm sorry that you're so homesick, sweetie. it really sucks, especially when you just can't "pop" over for a visit. i'm sending you a big hug.

deirdre said...

Homesickness is horrible. There's just no other way to describe it. I've been homesick from 6,000 miles away and from 45 miles away. It feels the same. Horrible. I don't know what to offer that might ease the longing. And why is it that part of that longing is for the food? I remember crying, as a child, because the milk in Ireland didn't taste the same as in California - and I WANTED my California milk.

la vie en rose said...


sending you my love...

Letha Sandison said...

You are always from where you're from aren't you? I really understand homesicknes my love. I hope you will be able to see your family again soon, maybe over the holidays.

These feelings are a big part of my fear about living in Africa for so long....missing so many people, places and loved ones.

Here if you ever wanna chat my dear.


Anonymous said...

Three and a half years ago you were a great help for me when I was missing Canada and tucked me in with a hug (after you made me stay up for 30 consecutive hours that is!!) and you listened to me sniff and snuff. I hope that your boy can do the same for you. Ask him to take you to Windsor Castle.

kj said...

hello megg, i hope you don't mind my visit to your blog. i am touched by the sad honesty of this post. i think we're always heading home, one way or another. and i liked the warm support from your friends on this blog.

i have a sushi restaurant in brookline massachusetts that I can't get to anymore, and my memories there are so vivid i can touch them.


b/sistersshoes said...

I sure hope you feel at least a little talk about it as much as you need to...:) That's why we are here.

Being Homesick is difficult, but it sure makes us love 'home' that much more.

Take care sweetie,
sending warm fuzies :)


Bohemian Girl said...

when Carsten first took me to his hometown in Canada, the first stop was Tim Hortons. i LOVE "triple triple's".


i hear you and am sending you a huge, warm hug from california.

Jamie said...

What a beautiful sense of home. I hope you get to travel here for the holidays or sometime real soon.

And here's to coffee shops on every corner! I am so with you on that one. And Shannon and I are going to the Indigo Girls concert! I'll sing extra loud and think of you! Big hugs.

chest of drawers said...

I remember those days when I felt just like you now - but I realised over time that now I´m living a country life and before I was living a city life and maybe that´s what I was missing so I started spending a day in the city once a month or so and that definately helped. I don´t need to have my family around me as they are not a comfort zone for me - quite the opposite actually - and after my last trip back home I made the realisation that it really wasn´t home for me anymore, home is here now. I hope you can say "this is my home and I´m happy here" one day, whether it be in Canada or in England.

Anonymous said...

Homesickness is a lonely feeling in the middle of everything else going on around ... and there's no cure for it apart from going home! I hope you can get home again sometime soon, or find it somewhere near ....

melba said...

I am from the northeast, but lived in the west and south for 7 years and it felt so different. i knew I was growing by being away, but how I missed family events and holidays and all the comforts of my "Home"

I hear you and hope you are surrounding yourself with lovely memories and feel comforted soon.


Colorsonmymind said...

Oh honey, I am so sorry you are homesick.

Sending warm hugs your way.

Love to you

Patry Francis said...

I lived in Italy for a while and I remember getting those suicidally intense cravings--for honey dipped donuts (which I don't even like) and Campbell's tomato soup. Don't ask me why. Now, these years later, I still miss the streets of Bologna, and the little trattoria where we used to eat every night.

Think of your homesickness as a sign that you love the world too much! It makes it hard to choose one place to be.

Letha Sandison said...

I miss you love!!!

Hope you're well.


sophie said...

I miss Queen Street.

liz elayne said...

i hope you are being gentle with yourself in these moments. i think it is so good to make a list like this and honor what you miss.

(and to, in the way that i can, make this all about it weird that i don't really miss much about where i am from? that even though i lived there for 28 years, i just don't really miss...a thing? i am sure i do...if i think about it enough.)

love you...

Alexandra S said...

I just had to drop in to tell you I passed Wendy's yesterday and thought of you!

Daphne said...

Hi Megg-

I just started reading this blog (linked from la vie en rose). I know someone from Peterborough.. I wonder if you might know her (I know P-bo is big but you never know)... D'Arcy Terpstra (maiden name Regts)?

Hugs on your homesickness. I'm from Oregon, living in California, and sometimes I get some homesick I just don't know how i can stand it, and I've lived away for 8 years now.

krista said...

Hot belly mama's! I spend lots of time in Buckhorn in the summers, and I am totally going to remember that. I love seet potatoes, and I always think Peterbourough is fun. thanks for the tip.