lumps and bumps

Can you believe the cuteness?? This is my gorgeous niece again (who I won't get to see until October unless it's through the magic of iChat...)

I have been a bad blogger lately. I feel very wrapped up in boring old me and I haven't a lot to say. Tomorrow I am going in for minor surgery. I have a big lump on my back that the doctors say is a cyst. But there's more to the story.

Last week I went in to have it removed. I psyched myself up, went in, got half-naked. (In this office they don't seem to do the robe thing - in Canada you put on a robe for anything that requires any level of nakedness... weird.) And winced while the nurse put SIX needles into my back. She apologized and told me that she had to get the freezing under the lump so it wouldn't hurt. (?!) So then I lay there - still half naked - and waited for the doctor. When he came in he ummed and ahhhed and looked at my chart and said, "I actually don't do this anymore." (Another doctor at the surgery had told me to make an appointment with her or with him. He's my regular Doc. so they put me with him.) Apparently he now does the injections and another Doctor does the bloody big cysts.

So, furious, I made another appointment with the Doctor who actually does those procedures and left with my lump all bruised and my attitude considerably worse than it was when I went in. I had myself all geared up, you see, and I had already dealt with the 'worst bit.' So tomorrow I have to leave work early again and get my lump removed. I'll let you know how it goes. I wonder if I shouldn't just keep it now that we have been through so much together. Hmmm... but I do so enjoy getting half naked! It's a tough call to make. Please wish me luck?!

Happy Anniversary to me!! (My 139th Post)

This is a long one - but I have a year to talk about!!

A year ago today I began an incredible journey. I sat reading a blog post by someone else and I thought, "I want to do this!" So I did. I signed up for my very own blog. I wrote a post (probably about 5 times before I was brave enough to publish) and tentatively went out and began telling people I was alive.

The first person I went to see was the incomparable Alexandra. She had only started her blog a few days before me and I had read some of her comments on other people's blogs and really liked them. So I went to her site and introduced myself as another new blogger and I am forever grateful that I did!!! Not only is she wonderful, but she also introduced me to the incredible Laini. Between them they have spoiled me rotten, shared their writing tips, and become good friends. I was lucky enough to meet them for sushi and treats in November and I look forward to seeing them again soon. (Laini also became my partner-in-crime in our writing venture Sunday Scribblings!) I adore them both. They are magic.

Ten minutes after writing to Alexandra, I connected with Jamie and a little while later, Claudia. Between them they have inspired me to live a more honest life. Jamie doesn't know it yet, but she changed my life a lot. Knowing her and reading her has made me try to be more comfortable moving my body. I have begun to begin each day with a solo dance in the living room. A year ago this would never have been possible.

I won't go into my blogging world person by person because every single one of the people I have met on here have had an impact on me. Since this time last year I have: begun a blog, co-begun a writing blog, finished writing a novel and tried to send it out into the world. (I have stopped doing that for now in favour of writing another one... it will be my third!) I have finished a half marathon, written the rough draft of a non-fiction book, gone to Seattle and Portland to meet some of my new friends, gotten a promotion, lost my Grandmother, and become an Aunt and Godmother to the beautiful Helen (that's her in the photo with me, I got her her first Nalgene bottle before I left - ahhhhhhhhhhhhh........)

One of my bravest leaps this year was that trip to Seattle. I've written about it a lot already so I will just say that the women I spent that weekend with have altered me.

So where do I go from here? Where do I want to be in another year? Yesterday I posted about how bored I was with myself and what I had to say. I am still kind-of in that place. I am struggling a bit with this tonight. But writing this has helped. I have come a long way, baby. I am not alone. I have done some brave and some audacious things this year, and if THIS blogging year is as full of creativity and connections and change and words as LAST year was, it's going to be quite a year. Wish me luck!

Where have I BEEN??!

"There are very few human beings who receive the truth, complete and staggering, by instant illumination. Most of them acquire it fragment by fragment, on a small scale, by successive developments, cellularly, like a laborious mosaic." -Anais Nin

As I sat down to write this post I found the theme song from 'Superman' in my head for some reason. I am not fully certain what that is about. Perhaps a big fat post is brewing. Perhaps I am about to birth some fabulous idea... hmmm... doesn't feel like it.

Where have I been? First I was stuck in a land with no internet for a very long time. Then, just about the time when my internet came back I was plunked into a land where I had to go back to work full-time. I've had trouble getting my act back together since then. I've been torn between the blog post that I would like to write and the fact that even I am bored of reading my blog posts.

Seriously. I feel like I keep going on and on about the same thing. I feel like all I want is to get my freaking act together - get healthy, get writing, get websited, get published, get... get... get... blah blah blah. When I started doing Morning Pages several years ago, Julia Cameron said that doing morning pages meant that eventually you'd get bored of complaining about the same old thing and that you'd start to get on with it. I feel like that this week. I am so BORED of myself I can hardly type.

I love that Anais Nin called our illumination: "like a laborious mosaic." The word laborious is about right. I feel like I am so close to creating something astounding. I feel like I am on the very edge of saying something interesting. I feel like I have a huge handful of the pieces and I am just about to finally sit on my ass and put them together. I need that so badly - to sit up again, covered in muck and glitter and ink, stretching my back muscles and looking down at the results of my getting stuck in - to finally have stopped talking and started doing. I wonder if other writers get so caught up in writing about writing that they never get a 'real' word written.

Does anyone else get bored of themselves? What do you do then?

My arm has been cut off...

Well, okay so the title of this post might be a SLIGHT exaggeration but if you know me at all you will realize that what I am about to tell you is making me crazy.

We are without internet. Yes, I am writing to you from Mark's parents' house. They took pity on me so that I could do the Sunday Scribblings linking (which didn't work today for some reason - everyone in the world needs a MAC!) So I just had to take the opportunity to tell you that I am still here - we survived the flights home - and that we are holed up in our little house. But we arrived to find that our internet didn't work. A phone call to the company told us that they would check it out and call us in three days - THREE DAYS?!?!?!

Having no internet has forced me to actually get some writing done (which is good.) But it has also meant that I am totally out of touch. So I promise that I will be back soon - or I might actually go completely crazy.

In the meantime, please go to this link (Blogger hates my links today so I am giving you the whole thing - cut and paste and watch, but don't do it in an office where you aren't allowed to be blogging as there's sound!) I promise you'll giggle! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gujSJ4zTlhs
xo

Putting my money where my mouth is. (AND Friday Felicitations)

Well, if 2007 is going to be a year of growth, I need to start putting away all of my old crap. One of the things I need to put away is my hatred (yes, you read that right) of any and all photos of myself. It's MY bloody blog, isn't it?! WHY have I been so nervous and strange about photos of me? So here we are - cute eh?!

This holiday I was lucky enough to get to spend a day going through the six boxes of photos and home movies that my Grandmother left us. Two cousins, two uncles, one aunt, my parents, my brother, Mark and I all sat around my Mom's quilting table alternating between reminiscing and questioning. There was a lot of, "Aunt Wendy, who is this?" and "Does anyone know who this is?" But there was also a lot of, "Ooh! Look how cute..." and even more, "Oh, remember this?" Stories and people long dead or forgotten were remembered again. We made fun of old hair cuts and talked about friends and families and camping trips. We sat around and watched home movies on a projector with no sound. The 'grown-ups' struggled and rubbed their foreheads to remember the names of their old playmates, but could easily talk about where they used to play. For a few moments, my Grandparents were alive again.

I love old photographs. I love looking at the faces of the people who were responsible for me being here. I never really knew my great-grandparents, but I love and respect them just the same. Their lives created mine. I get goosebumps writing that. People wonder why I need photographs of them young when I never knew them that way. I need them because I need to remember that they were young. That they had dreams and loves and a life beyond what I know of them. I need to keep the perspective that my life will be short. My grandchildren will look at the photos I leave them and see me young. I want them to be proud. I want them to know me.

So from now on I am going to try to be okay being photographed. My Dad always says that if you don't get photographed, you won't have pictures and he's right. I want to remember. I want to sit down in 20 years and smile the way that my family smiled the day we went through Grandma's photos. I want to be surrounded by the happy memories and the spirits of the people who mattered to me. And I want to always remember that life is very, very short.

P.S. This should be my first week participating in Friday Felicitations but we are going away first thing tomorrow and I won't be able to post anything then. So I will add to this already long post my tentative first post on the subject. Megan explains it like this:

"It’s time to help each other throw out all that negative thinking and acknowledge those things we have to celebrate. Friday is now the day to blog your compliments, your accomplishments, something nice someone said to you, or maybe even something you are stiving to make better."

So this week I'd like to:
- acknowledge the incomparable Thea for starting her etsy store. I am definitely going to own one of her 'Blue Skies' pendants as soon as the money starts rolling in again!
- celebrate my drive to make this new year special and real and abundant
- enjoy that people have told me I was inspiring - sigh!

I'm new at this so I am going to leave it there for this week... love to you all!!

Happy New Year!!!!

I wish I could take a picture of this very moment for you. I'm sitting in my parents' kitchen chatting with my them and watching Mark cook Creme Caramel. Outside the sliding door the weather is positively balmy, the sun is shining, the birds are confused, and the grass seems to be getting greener by the minute!

It's a new year! It's a new day! It's a fresh start, a new beginning, another chance. I feel uncharacteristically positive about this whole 2007 thing. My life and the lives of those around me have been changing at an incredible rate. Every horoscope I read tells me that I need to get on with the business of my dreams because some celestial body moved into my sign and that means money. (Scorpios take note!) Last year I feel like I laid the foundations for this one. I now have my very own tribe of like-minded women, books begun, websites growing, and some physical boundaries shifted. I also have a gorgeous new niece (see above) and another year to get on with it.

My cousin sent me an e-card that helps you to make your resolutions. You fill in a number, a couple of adjectives and a couple of verbs and it fits them into sentences that are your resolutions for the year. Here are my results:

1. Lose 25 pounds (how did it know?)
2. Be more beautiful (awwwwwwww!)
3. Be less strong (I read this as let loose a little more and worry a little less!)
4. Stop walking (I was worried about this until I read this next one)
5. Start dancing (yes!)
6. Jump every day. (heh heh heh heh heh.)

Last year I decided that I wasn't going to make resolutions any more. I never ever did any of them, so I decided to choose a theme instead. I thought if I did that if I could simply try to make my decisions based on the theme, that I could make small changes towards goals. My self-chosen theme for 2006 was "Brave." Looking back I can easily make a list of things from last year that I am proud of. I know that I have been brave this year.

So this year I had a real think about what my theme for the year is going to be. I've decided on 'Grow.' I intend real growth this year. My muscles, my resolve, my bank balance, my romance, my friendships, my tribe's success, our website, my word count, my own beauty and confidence, all of these things could use growth in 2007. So my only resolution for this year is to make as many decisions as I can that will create positive growth.

To all of you who are reading this, I wish you the most happy and prosperous new year you can imagine. I also ask you what your own theme might be for this fresh new year? What do you intend?

xo

P.S. If you are looking for a real way to make a positive resolution or two, read this ass-kicking post by Felicia. She constantly inspires me to look at the way I am living differently and today is no exception.