Monday, January 22, 2007

Where have I BEEN??!

"There are very few human beings who receive the truth, complete and staggering, by instant illumination. Most of them acquire it fragment by fragment, on a small scale, by successive developments, cellularly, like a laborious mosaic." -Anais Nin

As I sat down to write this post I found the theme song from 'Superman' in my head for some reason. I am not fully certain what that is about. Perhaps a big fat post is brewing. Perhaps I am about to birth some fabulous idea... hmmm... doesn't feel like it.

Where have I been? First I was stuck in a land with no internet for a very long time. Then, just about the time when my internet came back I was plunked into a land where I had to go back to work full-time. I've had trouble getting my act back together since then. I've been torn between the blog post that I would like to write and the fact that even I am bored of reading my blog posts.

Seriously. I feel like I keep going on and on about the same thing. I feel like all I want is to get my freaking act together - get healthy, get writing, get websited, get published, get... get... get... blah blah blah. When I started doing Morning Pages several years ago, Julia Cameron said that doing morning pages meant that eventually you'd get bored of complaining about the same old thing and that you'd start to get on with it. I feel like that this week. I am so BORED of myself I can hardly type.

I love that Anais Nin called our illumination: "like a laborious mosaic." The word laborious is about right. I feel like I am so close to creating something astounding. I feel like I am on the very edge of saying something interesting. I feel like I have a huge handful of the pieces and I am just about to finally sit on my ass and put them together. I need that so badly - to sit up again, covered in muck and glitter and ink, stretching my back muscles and looking down at the results of my getting stuck in - to finally have stopped talking and started doing. I wonder if other writers get so caught up in writing about writing that they never get a 'real' word written.

Does anyone else get bored of themselves? What do you do then?

17 comments:

Sophie said...

I wonder if other writers get so caught up in writing about writing that they never get a 'real' word written.

Yes, they do, and I'm one of them. I do write, but this writing is produced with for a looming deadline. I want to write more about the stuff that I fijn interesting, I want to write a short story etc. etc. The ideas keep running through my mind, the actual writing hardly ever gets done. That's also why I'm cocooing for the next couple of days. To get my act together and start doing (in my case letting go of a certain period in my past)and move on.

Take care and know that you're not the only one who struggles with this :) Sophie

Jessie said...

Ah-em...yeah, i think i'm one of those writers that has been so busy writing about writing that i haven't actually done any writing...until recently, that is.

yes, this post makes absolute sense to me. i undertand exactly where you are coming from.

but i don't think you are boring. not in the least! i love reading about your process as a writer and a creative thinker. i love reading about the every day thoughts that go along with the things we aspire to be.

and i love that quote by anais nin. i loved her quote as much as i loved the image of you being covered in muck and glitter and ink, stretching your muscles to better admire the work you've created. mmmm...is there any better place to be? :)

cool spider photo, btw. i can't help but love the randomness of art. it makes me believe that anything is possible when we move beyond thought to action...life and living becomes something TANGIBLE! :)

Anonymous said...

I know what you're talking about, meg. I have so many ideas in my head of what to say and write. But when I want to put all these ideas on paper I suddenly find myself dwelling on a very old issue, turning the same thing around in my head over and over again. If only I could move beyond that certain point.. then I could be 'doing' instead of merely 'thinking' about the doing. I know I'm just about to get there.. until then I'm constantly scribbling notes here and there, as not to lose starting points for future 'doing'.

Anyway, you're definitely not the only one feeling like that. And I love reading your blog, it's definitely not boring, not at all. :)

xo
luzie

Anonymous said...

I am so bored with myself right now. The only reason I keep coming to my blog to post something is to keep my fingers in it. I feel I would regret it if I let it go. Lucky you to feel on the verge of something great (I'm not there yet).

Wishing you magif fairy dust to get you over that last hurdle.

Anonymous said...

Hi Baby-

So glad your internet is fixed.

I giggled at you being sick of yourself-I just felt that way too when I blogged tonight:)

Morning pages sound powerful.
I also feel pretty pulled while also resistant when I read about them.

Love the pic and the quote-but not as much as I love you!

I got SKYPE but my microphone isn't working so I have to figure that out.

Hugs and Kisses

Anonymous said...

i know that spider!!!! it's from my hometown and it's entirely too creeeeeeeeeeepy!!! and what's with its one white egg, anyway? i always felt like it was somewhat racialized....

ahem.

i just want to second, for the record, what jessie says. i love your posts - you're funny and honest and real no matter where you are, and that is never boring to witness (in fact it takes guts, to put it all out there, whenever you feel it). and i get bored with myself, too. i try to do something new then...or something i don't normally. like bead a necklace (i have tons of supplies, but barely take them out).

that's kind of fun. it's like dating myself. YOU should date yourself.

and the tequila thing - it's painful. but i can do it. i'll show ya sometime. :)

Meg said...

Yes!

But, you know what? This is what I've found. Just when I feel like I'm on the edge of something, teetering on the precipice of something great, I get nervous. I start sort of editing my thoughts when I'm sitting down to write and create. "That can't be it... I don't want to write THAT, that's not GREAT, and what I feel is coming is GREAT."

So, I don't "edit" myself. I sit, simply, and let it come, like I always do, and then something great does come. But I don't even realize it, as I'm creating it. I think that's the thing. You can't think too hard, edit yourself, TRY to do something great, or you're doing not for the sake of doing... stepping out of the familiar place of creativity and inspiration within you. I hope I don't sound preachy here. That's just what I've found, when I'm feeling the way you described, which... trust me.. is sooo often. :)

I couldn't help noting what bee said too about dating yourself. That's SO sweet and charming. I never thought of it. It reminds me of Keri Smith's lists. I think I'll try dating myself this week!

So glad to see you back!

Alexandra S said...

So glad you're back Megg! And where is that photo taken? Very cool spider! I am really excited for you. This sounds like such a ripe time in your creativity and I am excited to see what will burst forth from all these feelings of anticipation and passionate excitement. And YES to your question about writing. Talking and reading and then talking and reading again about writing is oh so easy, isn't it?? But I also know I take a lot of inspiration and support from books like Natalie Goldberg's or Bird by Bird or SARK or Laini's posts on writing... Sometimes I feel like I am sitting in a go-cart with my writing project in hand and the right conversation or snippet in a book is like that push that then allows me to get going myself. Other times I just sit in the go-cart and moan loudly and don't go anywhere at all! >:

deirdre said...

It's good to have you back. I love the quote - it's so true. And when I get bored with myself I clean house. It helps shake things loose and I get something accomplished, which in turn inspires me to start something new. In a clean house.

ceanandjen said...

I get bored with myself CONSTANTLY. It seems that it is a never ending battle. We take five steps forward on this journey, and suddenly, we are pushed three steps back...and then poof!!!!....we feel you are feeling now, and like I think we all feel quite often. You are so not alone with it.

What do I do? I try to step back and put things in perspective. I try to refocus and free myself from whatever contraints I am imposing on myself. It's not a perfect solution, but it helps me to step outside of the particular box I am in.

I am glad to see you back and I wish you luck and FREEDOM.

xoxo

Bohemian Girl said...

totally bored of myself.

lets talk soon baby...i miss you.

xoxo love
love love.

Anonymous said...

I am so happy you are back, and as always, you've read my mind. I am also bored with myself--of my hang ups, of my morning pages-complaining, of my desire to MOVE without any subsequent ACTION.

Ahem.

But see, I DO have a different view of you, an outsiders view, and I DO see that you have been changing things, attempting things, in your creativity, even if you can't quite see how it all goes together.

I have faith that this is just the last bit of energy that will propel you into a new place. :)

Marilyn said...

All the time. What do I do? Just keep...plugging along. Eventually the boredom passes...and that THING that was just hanging in the balance clicks in...and things shift forward just a TINY bit. Although my readers might argue that they're still waiting for that 'click'... ;) Good to hear from you.

Anonymous said...

Oh, thanks for writing this. Your post, along with all these comments from people whose writing inspires and motivates me, has reassured me that that sense of being bored with myself is common.

Here's my thought - maybe sometimes we have to get well and truely bored with ourselves (with our excuses and our fears and our repeated patterns of avoidance) just right before we are about to be bold enough to step into the change.

Not a dramatic, momentous change, but the manifestation of all those little steps of change that we have been labouring away at.

Maybe?

la vie en rose said...

i know girlfriend...i know...

Sacred Suzie said...

Is that the National Art Gallery of Canada? If it isn't, it looks exactly like the one in Ottawa.

I can relate to the bored-of-me dilemma as well. I hope you find inspiration soon.

Amber said...

Oh God YES! Sometimes I can hardly STAND myself. I don't know how anyone else can stand me, either, when I feel like this. So I retreat. I try to be busy about other things. Get out of my head.

I don't think you are boring, though. Maybe this is just something we see in ourselves...

:)