taking a little break

“All we see of someone at any moment is a snapshot of their life, there in riches or poverty, in joy or despair. Snapshots don't show the million decisions that led to that moment.” - Richard Bach

I've written this a few times now, hoping it would sound less weird. I am not trying to be dramatic but I needed to explain what will be my absence for a little while. Things are hard here right now. It's not my place to put them here in public, but I need to pull back and be there for people that I love. I'm okay, but I need to focus. I'll be back reading your blogs as soon as I can.

xo

just read the quote at the bottom.

“The only limit to our realization of tomorrow will be our doubts of today.” - Franklin D. Rooosevelt

So I almost did it again. I almost wrote another post about self-help books and being where I want to be and blah blah blah blah blah.

Hear this now: I will not write another post about NOT being where I want to be or about how I am ready to start getting there. I am only going to write posts about how I am getting there.

I subscribed to the 'be gentle on yourself' and the 'you're okay just as you are' modes of thinking for a long time. The problem with those modes is that they keep you warm and cozy and justified in your RUT. Then I read "The Secret" and thought if I just thought about something enough that it would happen. The problem with that is that you are still stuck in the rut but now you are stuck in a huge pile of delusion at the same time. If you pay attention hard enough when you read any of the cosmic ordering stuff, they actually mean that you need to think about what you want, never doubt that you will get it and then get off of your ass and work hard for it.


"I have been and still am a
seeker, but I have ceased to
question stars and books; I
have begun to listen to the
teachings my blood whispers
to me."

-Herman Hesse

watch this.

I admit that I found this link on Swirly's new site but I loved it so much I wanted to make sure more people saw it. It's 18 minutes long, so watch it when you have a minute. I was really inspired.

Isabel Allende

the book that chose me

“And above all, watch with glittering eyes the whole world around you because the greatest secrets are always hidden in the most unlikely places. Those who don't believe in magic will never find it.” - Roald Dahl

The weirdest thing happened to me today. Anyone who reads my blog regularly will know that I am completely addicted to books. I am obsessed by them. The only part of my 'dream home' that I have ever really concentrated on is the library. When I go to people's houses and they haven't got any books I get a bit freaked out. I have piles of them beside my bed, bookshelves full of them and a desk covered in them. I also write them. I have written two (not publishable) and am writing a third (hopefully very publishable.) Books are everything to me.

I often buy books and then don't read them. I believe that a book finds me and then waits until I am ready for its message. Shortly before we left for Canada I walked into a bookstore and bought a book for my book group list. I didn't really think about it much after that. The write up on the back didn't draw me in but I needed a book that I hadn't read. I put it on my bookshelf and left it.

Yesterday in the airport I was looking through the books and one caught my eye. The cover and the write-up made my mouth water. I put it down and went through airport security, believing that I didn't really need it. It called to me though and I searched through the bookstore on the other side of security. I finally found one copy tucked underneath another pile of books. I bought it and started devouring it on the plane.

Today I was looking for another book and realized that those two books were the same book. Different covers, completely different write-ups on the back, but the same book. (I've never ever done that before - I always remember my books!) I now own two copies, but obviously I am meant to read it now. I've read a third of it and I am feeling both madly in love and woefully untalented. Delicious.

I love books.

off again!

"...you've got to stop wearing your wishbone where your backbone ought to be." - Richard from Eat, Pray, Love by Elizabeth Gilbert

Well, we are off again. This time we are flying back to the UK on an overnight flight. We should be home sometime tomorrow night. In the meantime I want to leave you with:

One quote to make you think (top), one last Christmas angel to protect you (above) and a bit of Canadian winter to inspire you (below.)


See you in another time zone!!

P.S. If you are looking for something to really make you think this year, go here and take the Real Age test. It's really interesting (and free!)

xo

ghosts (this is a long one!)

"People come and go in life, but they never leave your dreams. Once they're in your subconscious they are immortal" ~ Patricia Hampl

There is a closet in the room that was once mine that is full of my things. Every time I come home I cull it a little bit more. Each time I arrive I have changed a little bit so some things have greater meaning for me and others have lost it. I am amazed at my former self when I do this and ask myself WHY I still have a baseball cap from high school or a broken piggy bank? Why have I not thrown them out during the twelve other times I have done this?

This time I did something I have never done before. This time I tackled my letter box. Since I was about fifteen I have kept every letter I have ever gotten. The box was full of letters, old photographs, school notes still folded up to look like stars, birthday cards, and post cards. I thought I would just throw most of them away but as soon as I opened one envelope, I was transported. That box didn't just hold paper. That box held ghosts.

There were letters from friends who I can't even picture any more. There were birthday cards from my grandparents. I teared up when I read, "We love you, love Grandma and Grandpa" because I will never get a card like that again. There were letters from two of my friends who are now gone. Their ordinary lives and youthful exuberance filled the pages and I cried, knowing what I know now about their future, and realizing how much of my time I am wasting.

There were love letters there, too. One set were from a particularly horny boy who I can't even picture any more. I laughed when I read them because my naive teenage self had no idea what he was writing, but I sure do now! There were others too. I shake my head because I always felt lonely and ugly and awkward as a teen. I had mad crushes on the boys who would never love me, but didn't realize that there were boys who had mad crushes on me. How sad that part of being young is.

One set of letters and notes was from the boy who adored me and who I loved back. I know now that I was too scared of those feelings to tell him or act on them. I was scared that he might want to (gasp) have sex with me and I was terrified and not ready for the hugeness of what we could have been. I know I hurt him dreadfully and I will forever be sorry for that. I hope he has forgiven me.

There were notes and letters from my family and from people I am still friends with. All of this childish angst and excitement and energy was contained in the box. I felt overwhelmed by the spirits and memories swirling around me as I opened each envelope and revealed what was inside. All of what I was and who was important to me washed over me and I felt wobbly and shaken when I was finished.

I kept some of the most precious things but I admit that I threw a lot of it away. It may sound strange to you but I feel lighter and older since letting those energies free. I feel like somehow I was carrying all of that stuff around with me and now it's gone. I've chosen what to keep and what to remember and what to let go of. I'm so excited to get my teeth into a new year. I feel like I have made a space in my life for new spirits to enter. This year I am going to marry my best friend, finish (and hopefully sell) my book, be part of a website launch (with global domination, of course) and hopefully change this world a little bit for the better.

I'm ready.