Saturday, April 21, 2007

my fear of change.

"Although your fears may seem multitudinous, each one is ultimately just a different version of the fear of change..." - Caroline Myss, "Sacred Contracts"

I am a complicated creature. I am such a nervous personality, I already have an ulcer at 32. I am terrified of the dark, and scared of big changes. I like to have a map, a plan, the tickets, the reservations, a bottle of water and a snack all ready for any eventuality. I am also strangely brave. I once moved to another country with nothing. I moved to the same country again a few years later and stayed there with my love. I quit teaching even though it was what I was trained (and in debt) for. I am scared of everything and yet I also have a deep spiritual sense that everything is going to be okay. See... complicated.

When I sat down to go through Sacred Contracts yesterday, I was pretty sure about what I would find. I am fat. There is no hiding or getting around that fact. So I was sure that there would be something in my findings about my eating. I also knew that I would find that I was not living up to my highest potential, because I know that I am not. I get started towards it - over and over - and I stop. I am too scared of what I might find when I get there. So you see I am quite in tune with my issues.

What you have to do is go through a list of archetypes and decide (through a lot of work but more intuition) which twelve are your group. It was pretty easy at first but it took me about three days of looking off and on to come up with my twelve. You have to be deadly honest with yourself and that is tricky. Then when you are SURE that you have made the right choice you cast a chart. It's kind of like tarot. If you do it with intention, the universe should put them in the right parts of your chart (life.) This should help you to learn some lessons about yourself and your life. (The link above will take you to the process on Caroline's site. The book is just more in-depth.)

If anyone has done this work before, I would love to hear about your findings (in private, if you'd rather.) I'm still not able to share what I found completely. Some of it was not surprising. I loved that I have 'The Seeker' in my house of Creativity and Good Fortune. What this tells me is that I am constantly looking for something meaningful but that I have been unable to commit to a path when I find it - duh! Now that I got a message that clear I will be able to notice when I am veering off of my path to look for another one and pull myself back into my chosen direction again.

I was not entirely surprised when 'Writer/Artist' came up in my house of Occupation and Health or that 'Teacher' ended up in my Relationship to the World section. But I was surprised about some of the other findings. I had to stop for a little while after casting the chart to get my head together. Like I said before, I am pretty aware of my issues. It takes a powerful smack to make me realize a new one, and that's what this did for me yesterday. In my Ego/Personality house was a message that I am going to have to live with for a little while about how I relate to the world and how the world sees me. It was bang on. I can't believe I have never seen it before.

So no matter how much that hurt or how much work it is going to be or how frightened I am, this is one of those times when Brave Meg is going to have to step forward. (The warrior goddess from my chart!) I am going to have to learn the lessons that I asked for, do the work necessary, and like it or not, I am going to have to CHANGE.





Susannah said...

Hmmm, i can see i'm going ot have to go have a look at this.... Change. YUK. hate it, fear it, don't want it. yet also need it - sister, i hear you loud and clear :-) love you, and know you can do whatever you want to do - you have all the power, you really do. xo

ps. come visit me!!

Lori-Lyn said...

I've had Sacred Contracts on my shelf for a while. Your post has inspired me to take it down and explore. I identify with so much that you've written here and it's given me a lot to think about.

MAHIMA said...

i can't decide if im a change lover or a change fearer.
mostly i'm the one who reates change. not that i'm not afraid of it, just that the drive to change a situation that's troubling or unpleasant is so strong sometimes that its easier to yield to that then try to ignore it!
i have been through the sacred contracts book. will be back here wth my results and musings on it. don't have them with me right now.

bee said...

i didn't realize you were back! *BEAM*

i'm going to check out caroline myss once i get the chance - your recommendation sealed the deal for me. be gentle with yourself through the "settling in of realizations", okay? as valid as they might be, you deserve nothing but kindness from yourself and the world.

*hugs to you*

Visual-Voice said...

I read Sacred Contract a few years ago, but never got to the casting stage... I'm inspired to go back and reassess my archetypes. She has a weekly online radio show, btw at

Also, her new book, Entering the Castle is quite amazing. Check it out!

Tori said...

Wow! I feel amazed when I read this post and saw the similarities between us. I am over the top all about plans...and I do the extra water and snacks thing always, but I too have done some really brave things. It is almost like I get stuck in the ordinary fears...
I too quit teaching (would love to discuss your experiences with this more). I too, struggle with my weight, and I too really need to get in touch with brave Tori.
You are courageous to enter this place of discovery and I applaud you for that.

Amber said...

Oh Yes, I love Myss! I listen to her on HayHouse, too, like someone above said...

It is SO funny that you bring this work up, because I have been doing this for a couple months now, and was thinking of writing posts about my thougths about it. I read the books awhile ago, and then started re-reading when I got the cards.

It is hard to look at the not so fun bits, and when they really ring true...Ick. But helpful to understand myself.

I would LOVE to chat about it with you! No one I know is into this, or understands me when I try to tell them about it. But I think it is a great personal growth tool. And I can't wait to read her new book. I almost got to see her speak, but it fell on my boys borthday weekend, so no go.

Very cool to know this about you. ;)


Maddie said...

You ARE a warrior goddess!!


Jamie said...

I feel like we should put on some gorgeous warrior goddess gear and dance under the moonlight by the cliffs.

You are an amazing woman with great bravery. What a powerful journey you are on!

Colorsonmymind said...

This is very brave darling. Good for you. I am interested in this chart thing. I have to sit down and look at this post again when I can.

Brave courageous you. I see the warrior baby. I am here holding your hand. Venture out.

Love you

Kelly said...

I'm curious as to whether or not your website is up yet? It sounds like it will be interesting.

XoXo Kelly ~ Simply Living ~

daisies said...

oh ... i have to check that out, i am so in need of some brave change myself. your warrior strength pours out of this page ~ you can do it sweetie ... : )

Frida said...

I love your honesty with yourself and your knowledge of the courage that sits beneath the surface of your fears. Just promise us that you will take each of these realisations and actions with compassion and gentleness towards yourself. It is the single most important thing I've learned about surviving in a world of change and challenge - courage is important but compassion is the key.
Sending you a little bit of mine to get you started.
If you visit Susannah then I may just have to come back over! I would have loved to meet you as well.

Mardougrrl said...

I've read through the book a few times, but never quite finished the chart. Clearly, I need to revisit this.

And, what Frida said (except for the visiting part--I'm states-bound at the moment).

Glad to see you blogging again. I've missed your voice. xoxo

MAHIMA said...

i am working on sacred contracts (did it online before) from the book and from scratch.
loggng my process, musings and discoveries.
its housed in my sacred contracts blog at

have you gotten arund to doing more with the book? i'd love to know how its going for you. :)

Michelle said...

Came over from Sunday Scribblings (what a great site I Hope to start writing next week) and love your site and your honesty - I am very interested in Sacred Contracts. I will have to go learn more and report back!

Clockworkchris said...

I just wanted to leave you a little note to say that I have enjoyed reading your page. This entry in particular. Nice to know that everyone is brave or scared in their own way. You did a good job portraying that. I have been writing at Sunday Scriblings-only my second time today, but you have a great thing going. Although I think the dark is fun, I also plan for everything and like to be prepared. I can't imagine moving to England with nothing. That is an amazingly brave thing to do. Congradulations on finding someone you love.