my fear of change.

"Although your fears may seem multitudinous, each one is ultimately just a different version of the fear of change..." - Caroline Myss, "Sacred Contracts"

I am a complicated creature. I am such a nervous personality, I already have an ulcer at 32. I am terrified of the dark, and scared of big changes. I like to have a map, a plan, the tickets, the reservations, a bottle of water and a snack all ready for any eventuality. I am also strangely brave. I once moved to another country with nothing. I moved to the same country again a few years later and stayed there with my love. I quit teaching even though it was what I was trained (and in debt) for. I am scared of everything and yet I also have a deep spiritual sense that everything is going to be okay. See... complicated.

When I sat down to go through Sacred Contracts yesterday, I was pretty sure about what I would find. I am fat. There is no hiding or getting around that fact. So I was sure that there would be something in my findings about my eating. I also knew that I would find that I was not living up to my highest potential, because I know that I am not. I get started towards it - over and over - and I stop. I am too scared of what I might find when I get there. So you see I am quite in tune with my issues.

What you have to do is go through a list of archetypes and decide (through a lot of work but more intuition) which twelve are your group. It was pretty easy at first but it took me about three days of looking off and on to come up with my twelve. You have to be deadly honest with yourself and that is tricky. Then when you are SURE that you have made the right choice you cast a chart. It's kind of like tarot. If you do it with intention, the universe should put them in the right parts of your chart (life.) This should help you to learn some lessons about yourself and your life. (The link above will take you to the process on Caroline's site. The book is just more in-depth.)

If anyone has done this work before, I would love to hear about your findings (in private, if you'd rather.) I'm still not able to share what I found completely. Some of it was not surprising. I loved that I have 'The Seeker' in my house of Creativity and Good Fortune. What this tells me is that I am constantly looking for something meaningful but that I have been unable to commit to a path when I find it - duh! Now that I got a message that clear I will be able to notice when I am veering off of my path to look for another one and pull myself back into my chosen direction again.

I was not entirely surprised when 'Writer/Artist' came up in my house of Occupation and Health or that 'Teacher' ended up in my Relationship to the World section. But I was surprised about some of the other findings. I had to stop for a little while after casting the chart to get my head together. Like I said before, I am pretty aware of my issues. It takes a powerful smack to make me realize a new one, and that's what this did for me yesterday. In my Ego/Personality house was a message that I am going to have to live with for a little while about how I relate to the world and how the world sees me. It was bang on. I can't believe I have never seen it before.

So no matter how much that hurt or how much work it is going to be or how frightened I am, this is one of those times when Brave Meg is going to have to step forward. (The warrior goddess from my chart!) I am going to have to learn the lessons that I asked for, do the work necessary, and like it or not, I am going to have to CHANGE.

ouch.

no.

GrrroooooowwwwwwwwlllllllllllllllLLLLLLLLLLL!!!!!!