methinks she doth protest too much.

"Love relaxes and releases all unlike itself." - Louise Hay (This is the affirmation to use for bursitis.)

I have always maintained that I know what my issues are. I know that I am a procrastinator, I know that I am messy and selectively lazy. I know I comfort eat and I know I am really sensitive and easily hurt. (There are more but you get the idea!) I have often thought, "Well, if I already know what the problem is, why don't I do something about it? What's wrong with me? Am I just lazy?"

Well I had a mind-changing experience yesterday. I was standing in our kitchen talking to Mark and his mom. Over the course of the conversation I brought out "Heal Your Body" by Louise Hay and we were talking about symptoms and what they mean. I jokingly said that it couldn't always be right because according to Louise, the bursitis pain in my shoulder means: "Repressed anger. Wanting to hit someone." I protested that I didn't want to hit anyone. Mark said, "Oh I don't know, I can think of someone!"

As I protested that I didn't want to hit anyone, both he and his mom said that in fact, I often use the word 'punch' in relation to people who are bothering me. I have absolutely no memory of ever using that phrase. But as I denied it all I realized that I was protesting too much. I want desperately to be a ''nice' person, but when I stopped and looked and listened to what they were saying, I realized that I do have a lot of aggression inside. I am angry at some people and some situations. In fact, I think I am downright furious.

Mark laughingly stuck a pillow in his shirt and told me to punch him. I couldn't do it. I really couldn't. I was a pathetic puncher. The longer we tried, the better I got, but I think that I have a huge huge block there that I need to get past. We are going to try again today.

I never thought that this journey into my body would bring something up so fiercely and so quickly. Maybe it has nothing to do with my shoulder being so sore, but just maybe it does. I asked my body to talk to me. Maybe my shoulder just didn't want to wait for me to get up there. And just maybe the reason that I am not fixing the parts of me that I know are wrong is because there are blocks I don't know about in the way. Maybe I am not just lazy!!

But it cracks me up that I have to punch my fiance to find out!!

(P.S. Talk about reclaiming yourself - check out this post by Michelle - what a POEM, what an amazing statement. RRRrrrOooooAAaaaaaaRrrrrrr!!!!!)

guess who's blogging!?

There is a wonderful new blog out there. It's called "Teach me to Paint." This post explains what it is all about, and this is the link to the blog itself.

Please go and have a look! (Especially if you paint or you would like to paint!) This is an amazing idea and the blogger just happens to be MY DAD!!!

xo

skin

Hi there -

I am still typing with one finger so it's going slowly but I wanted to give you this. I was sure I had shared it before but I can't find it anywhere, so here it is! It is one of the quotes that set me on my body journey. I think it is delicious (if you'll pardon the pun!)

"It is rare that the summer lets an apple go without
streaking or spotting it on some part of its sphere. It will
have some red stains, commemorating the mornings and
evenings it has witnessed; some dark and rusty blotches,
in memory of the clouds and foggy, mildewy days that
have passed over it; and a spacious field of green
reflecting the general face of Nature - green even as the
fields; or a yellow ground, which implies a milder
flavor - yellow as the harvest or russet as the hills."
- Henry David Thoreau

ouch.

A funny thing happens when you start listening to your body. It starts to talk to you. But you don't always know what it is saying.

My shoulders have been getting more and more sore over the past little while and I woke up yesterday in a lot of pain. A trip to the Dr. this morning ended with a diagnosis of some sort of 'itis' (I can't remember the technical term.) The tricky part is that it is my right arm and it hurts to write or type! So I am typing this with one finger!! (Ridiculous.) I don't know what my body is trying to tell me but I am going to have to stop my reporting until it doesn't hurt to type.

On another note, I have an interview tomorrow. I would love the job. I would be really good at the job. It would change a lot of things for the better! If you feel like it, please send good thoughts my way!!

[Update - I didn't get the job. I know that means something better will come along but it still sucks. AND I am still typing with one finger - sigh!]

xo

YES! YES! YES! (updated!)

I found this on Sera Beak's blog and HAD to share. I haven't felt so good for AGES.




RRRrrrroooOOOOOoooooOAAAAaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrRRRRRRR!!!

YES!! YES!! YES!!

This is the link to the movie. (It's only playing in a few places. There is a place on their website where you can help them get more screenings of the movie!!)

UPDATE: I just found this too:

hips are scary things.

"Life is a process of becoming, a combination of states we have to go through. Where people fail is that they wish to elect a state and remain in it. This is a kind of death." -Anais Nin

I've chosen this picture because it's so cozy and warm! Mark made (yes, you read that right) bagels last weekend. They looked so pretty, I had to capture them.

It's been a crazy week in many ways. I know I was supposed to reconnect with my hips, but I found dozens of reasons and excuses not to. (This is what I am talking about.) I would sit down and tune in and get really distracted, or just not do it at all. I have been working very hard, but that is no excuse. The interesting thing is that they have been talking to me. They have been creating a symptom that until this moment I hadn't connected with this process.

Hips, I think, are going to be the hardest part of me to talk to. There's a LOT of cultural crap hanging around this area. The hips hold all of the most dangerous parts of our body. They hold the parts of us that excrete waste - three different forms of it if you are a woman - and they also hold the parts of us most attuned to physical pleasure, and the parts that create, hold and give life. Sex, pee, blood and poo are the aspects of our human body we are the most troubled/ embarrassed/ in denial about. EVERYONE goes to the bathroom and EVERYONE farts, and yet we are apologetic or embarrassed when we have to go. An awful lot of people have sex, but we don't really want to talk about it or we blush when we think about it. You can show someone being shot on television and people accept it. But show two people making love and it gets an 'R' rating. We are okay with violence but ashamed of intimacy. What does that say about us?

I think I have been going about this all wrong. As I wrote the above paragraph, I had a feeling like my hips wanted to move. I have been trying to sit still to listen to them. Today I am going to shake 'em up a bit and see what they say. That's the biggest lesson I have had so far from all of this - my body wants to move!!!

"My feet danced and my arms moved, not in a dance that I had learned from others, but in a dance that moved and lived in me. My whole body moved in joyous ecstasy." - Mika Walteri

P.S. Please if you have a moment, go send some love to these two brave ladies. They were two of my very very first blogger friends and are two of the fiestiest, most amazing women out there. I love them both very much and they could use some lovin' right now.

brave dancing legs

"What I really want to say is, could you come and play with me around the blackberries and dipping sun. Gold on our faces. Creasing, smiling eyes. Could we grab hands and run dashing to the lake in gusts of laughter and blushing? I believe that loving fearlessly is the bravest thing in this world." - Sabrina Ward Harrison

I realize that this is more a picture of my feet than my legs, but my camera and I are in a fight, so this is what I've got for you. My legs had a bit to say this week! If you don't know what I am talking about, this is the explanation.

Just like my feet, my legs were quick to pull up a chair and have a chat. I sat still and thought, "What would you like to say?" The words 'brave' and 'strong' came to me almost immediately. Funnily enough, I knew exactly which part of me needed those words. My knees are the weakest part of my body and they clearly needed me to write 'strong' on them. Writing this just now, I got the clearest feeling that I need to do it again tomorrow. One day wasn't enough for them. They would like a bit more attention!

I wrote 'brave' on the top part of my legs. I often feel like I am a weird mix of brave and terrified. My legs are what carries me forward into my world. They move me more quickly when I am afraid of the dark. They stick with me when I try to run away. They hold me up when I dance. In the past two weeks we have made a lot of plans for the future - really really big ones - and I have been feeling really restricted in my current situation. Since I started tuning in, my legs have been quite literally itching to move! I have walked into more corners and stumbled over more things this week than I have in ages. I get the distinct impression that I am outgrowing my space and my legs know it. Very wise.

I am going to listen to my hips next. I have a feeling they will have a LOT to say.