Saturday, March 29, 2008

methinks she doth protest too much.

"Love relaxes and releases all unlike itself." - Louise Hay (This is the affirmation to use for bursitis.)

I have always maintained that I know what my issues are. I know that I am a procrastinator, I know that I am messy and selectively lazy. I know I comfort eat and I know I am really sensitive and easily hurt. (There are more but you get the idea!) I have often thought, "Well, if I already know what the problem is, why don't I do something about it? What's wrong with me? Am I just lazy?"

Well I had a mind-changing experience yesterday. I was standing in our kitchen talking to Mark and his mom. Over the course of the conversation I brought out "Heal Your Body" by Louise Hay and we were talking about symptoms and what they mean. I jokingly said that it couldn't always be right because according to Louise, the bursitis pain in my shoulder means: "Repressed anger. Wanting to hit someone." I protested that I didn't want to hit anyone. Mark said, "Oh I don't know, I can think of someone!"

As I protested that I didn't want to hit anyone, both he and his mom said that in fact, I often use the word 'punch' in relation to people who are bothering me. I have absolutely no memory of ever using that phrase. But as I denied it all I realized that I was protesting too much. I want desperately to be a ''nice' person, but when I stopped and looked and listened to what they were saying, I realized that I do have a lot of aggression inside. I am angry at some people and some situations. In fact, I think I am downright furious.

Mark laughingly stuck a pillow in his shirt and told me to punch him. I couldn't do it. I really couldn't. I was a pathetic puncher. The longer we tried, the better I got, but I think that I have a huge huge block there that I need to get past. We are going to try again today.

I never thought that this journey into my body would bring something up so fiercely and so quickly. Maybe it has nothing to do with my shoulder being so sore, but just maybe it does. I asked my body to talk to me. Maybe my shoulder just didn't want to wait for me to get up there. And just maybe the reason that I am not fixing the parts of me that I know are wrong is because there are blocks I don't know about in the way. Maybe I am not just lazy!!

But it cracks me up that I have to punch my fiance to find out!!

(P.S. Talk about reclaiming yourself - check out this post by Michelle - what a POEM, what an amazing statement. RRRrrrOooooAAaaaaaaRrrrrrr!!!!!)


Jessie said...

grrrrrrrr! i love this post. i love your sense of self-discovery. although i am never outwardly violent, i am aware of a very fierce streak that runs through my blood every once in a while. what's a girl to do with that energy? i mean, i suppose i could start playing hockey or something (hahaha!)...but i can't help but laugh at the idea of padding down my husband with pillows once in awhile and just letting loose!! LOL omg, i love yoU! :)

Ladyv said...

i so relate with this post meg! (especially the nice girl with repressed anger! i'm so that too!)

i'm very much enjoying hearing about this body journey you are on. it reminds me of a chakra course i took a few times. when we'd focus on an energy centre, i'd often have some unexpected pain arrise in that area of my body. and since then whenever I have some physical pain it promotes me to look at what energy is involved in that part of the body. my mom has always been a fan of louise hay but i think it might be time i get her books for myself!

good luck with todays punching efforts!

Musing said...

Found you surfing through different blogs, saw the "I feel my boots trying to leave the ground" quote in your sidebar and had to stop and say hello.

Any friend of Mary Oliver's is a friend of mine. :)

tiny noises said...

I also consider myself non-violent, but I often use the phrase "I'm going to punch you/her/them in the face!" Only I say it consciously.

I know it's cheating to ask because I should just get the book and do the research myself, but my right knee has been a chronic problem on and off for years. I've even wondered at one point if it was trying to tell me something. I need to figure out what exactly I'm not dealing with in my own life right now and get it all worked out.

anyway, love your body journey!

Claire said...

I'm forever using violent phrases, but I'm a total pussycat! Love your blog, nice to find it.


Jaime said...

Hi there Megg :)

Thank you so much for commenting on my blog, so I could discover your beautiful space here. I love how you talk about the parts of our bodies and how linked they are to what we are feeling. Suddenly, I feel more aware and grateful for every part of my body, which is always speaking to me, but I don't often take the time to listen.

You have a beautiful voice...makes me want to keep reading and reading (which I will go through your archives). I will be back often!


Frankie said...

Yes, completely!!!! I am this way too. There is so much that I bottle up and deny myself and "block" myself from feeling. It's difficult sometimes to allow ourselves to be ALL that we are, not just the good and beautiful and kind, but also the angry and honest and imperfect. We have to learn to love all of it, to break down those blocks and be exactly who we are, feel exactly what we need to feel, express THAT.

I love your words and this journey you're on. Thanks so much for the inspiration!!!

Amber said...

Man, are you ever talking to me. Pft. I get the same debilitating pain in my shoulder/back every time the same issues come up around my family/parents...It is like clockwork. Every.Time. With you it is denying anger, with me it is coping coping coping, when really I am about to crumble under the "weight" of stuff that isn't really mine. But I will keep going, until my body says-- screams-- Hey! You! You need to stop.

Our bodies are amazing tellers. It is there, always. Wiser than our surface mind.

Do you have "You Can Heal Your Life" by Louise? Brilliant and beautiful.

Dandelion seeds said...

oh I absolutely believe that your body is telling you something.

what an amazing journey-what an amazing realization.

rock on for sharing it.

caroline : my pocket said...

Reading that I was thinking - that's me! I'm selectively lazy too (on top of everything else you wrote) and I've too realised that it's blocks I don't know about in the way. I'm sure if we knew why we are holding on to the unhelpful habits they would disappear. Forcing them would never change anything. Your journey is so interesting, I'm really awed. You are truly listening to your body, taking time to learn its language. You go girl! Can't wait to meet you! xoxo

Colorsonmymind said...

very insightful. hmmmm I think I have a few things to look up.

snuggles and smooches.

I love and miss you darling