Saturday, August 19, 2006

Big is scary.

I know I haven't been posting again this week. After last week's Sunday Scribblings post I got really nervous. I mean, after you post something all big and bold and brash like that it's really difficult to:

a) write something ordinary again
b) live up to the post
and c) write something else when all you want to do is go on about what you were already on about.

So I wasn't able to do Poetry Thursday and I can NOT seem to post anything for Sunday Scribblings. (Although I do have a great Pigeon story for it when I can focus!!)

The day after I wrote this:

"Who else can I still be? I can be as big and wide and grand as I need to be. I can stop trying stay small and nervous. I can begin to live out to my own edges, to make big brave decisions and to not be so afraid of what I might find at the outer reaches of me. I can shift focus from my navel to my fingertips. I can be everything. I just have to be brave."

I got up in the morning and looked at myself in the mirror. What I saw there frightened me. It frightened me because I could feel a stirring deep in my belly. I could feel the stirrings of change. I could feel strong and bold growing up inside of me. Later that morning I received this in the post from the uncomparable Andrea. When I opened it up I was frightened all over again. I was frightened because the beads on this baby are BIG! I usually wear small necklaces so that I don't draw attention to my boobs
(HA! I laugh writing that because it sounds ridiculous. These girls don't need anything extra to draw attention to them!!!!) But it seemed appropriate that on this day I got my first piece of BIG jewelry. I put it on immediately even though I was just cleaning the bathroom. I felt fantastic.

But writing about being brave and living out to your edges is easy. Living with that notion is bloody painful at times. I started out on a BIG high and then had an uncomfortable conversation with a coworker that made me feel like
crap. (That's not only crap but it's very small crap.) And somehow I felt like I had taken ten steps backwards past where I had been on Sunday. I was back feeling small and scared and sorry for myself. WHY do we let other people dictate how and who we are? WHY do we let other people's stuff create stuff for us? And how was I to get back to feeling brave and bold and okay with TAKING UP SPACE??!

So here I sit one week later wondering what I can do to continue to be as much of myself as I can be. I wonder how to continue to embrace being Brave and BOLD and ALIVE in my own skin. If anyone would like to join me on my quest to find and be okay with our outer edges, I would love to have you. Here are a couple of things that have helped me this week. If anyone has any other suggestions, I would appreciate them heartily.

1. I have been reading some books by Geneen Roth about changing my relationship with my body and with food. I cannot tell you how much I love these books. If you have any body issues at all - she's your girl!

2. I bought an apron today. I bought it so that when I decide to be creative I will already have 'the outfit.' It reads, "You love me cos I'm gorgeous."

3. I've been looking into flights to visit some of my new and fabulous friends across the pond.

4. I am about to take myself to bed early. (It's harder to be your best self when you are tired, anxious and cranky.)

sweet dreams xo


chiefbiscuit said...

I've had fun catching up wth your blogs. I haven't visited in a while - i dunno why cos i love your posts. What a lovely photo of you and your friends. i'd like to read the story about the pigeon - sounds fasckinating!

M said...

You sound like you are still on the right path!! I'm so there with you, wanting to find ways to be the fullest version of myself, but have realized this week that life sometimes gets in the way.
I too had a bad moment at work with my bosses, haven't written about it in case they find my blog while I'm still working there, but needless to say its lit a fire under my ass to get a new job and fast!! I needed the extra motivation to make a big change, and sometimes for me that means getting so uncomfortable where I am that I will do whatever necessary to move forward. And things are only going to get better, I can feel it. For me and for you!! You are heading down the right road, Meg, and inspiring us all along the way. I'd love to see you with your Superhero necklace on!!

Remiman said...

Hi Meg,
Yes, stepping away from the familiar and out to your edges is very scary. It takes resolve, constant recommittment, and lots of practice.
You know you can make it happen. You sound very confident in your missive and that's the key, right?
Love to read you.

Star said...

Hang in there, Meg. I can't say I'm making dramatic progress living out to the edges, but at least my days are no longer really low or really high; I'm just sort of humming along in neutral. But I see that as progress.

Love your new necklace. I remember combing the shore looking for sea glass as a child on vacation.

Terri /Tinker said...

Hi Megg, I'm de-lurking to cheer you on - I let other people make me feel small all to often and when I do, my husband will usually tell me "You're not required to honor anybody else's bad juju" (I think he got the line from "Grey's Anatomy" on TV.) which usually makes me laugh & get on with life. I'm trying to tell myself that more often (cutting out the middleman!).
Ray has challenged me on my blog for us to finally begin writing our books, with a goal of 1 year from now, & to check in with each other monthly. I'm scared as all-get-out, but I'm going to take the leap and live my big dream - up to the edge as you said, instead of staying feeling small. I understand all too well that feeling you've described. What's the worst that can happen? I'll have exercised my typing fingers.
Remember recognizing the problem is half the battle.
Keep breathing, keep dreaming and keep living out loud.

b/sistersshoes said...

Oh Megg~ I feel like you need a great big hug. I wish I could put your beautiful face in my hands and look right into your eyes and tell you..."You ARE brave ~ You deserve ALL of your dreams and more ~ keep believing in YOU ~ the space you take up is LUCKY to have you in it!"

kiss kiss

xxx darlene

Kerstin said...

And again, Megg, every word so resonates with me. And then I remind myself ... babysteps. That's what it always seems to take to create anything big ... babysteps.

You ordering Andrea's superhero necklace is a babystep. As is writing this post. As is reading those books. As is reaching out to the (blogging) world. As is the apron. As will be booking those flights, and then, when you visit those friends, when you create small and big things wearing your apron (and new necklace!) you will suddenly look back and realise that your babysteps have taken you further towards the outer edge than you ever imagined.

Keep being brave and see where it takes you :)

Take care,

Jamie said...

I'm imagining you with that big sparkling necklace on shining the light on beautiful you - bold, brave, beautiful Meg!

It's a real process to live your life out loud and take up space. I am definitely a fellow explorer on this one. That it feels uncomfortable is proof that you're on the journey. It's why it needs a courageous spirit. And baby steps, backwards steps and huge leaps are all a part of the same adventure. Maybe we can throw some dance steps in there too.

Colorsonmymind said...

Oh your honesty reverberates in my soul.

I hear you-I feel it too- and I love that you are writing about it.

Bohemian Girl said...

you ARE a superhero.

wear those jewels with pride my dear...