Sunday, August 13, 2006

Sunday Scribblings #20 - "Who Else Can I Still Be?"

I am large - I contain multitudes. - Walt Whitman

When I first started thinking about what to write for today's prompt I went over a list of all of the things I still wanted to be - or that I think I might want to be - and pondered those things for awhile. I think I want to be a published writer, a mother (erm...) a wife, healthy, I'd like to be a world traveler, a better friend, an inspiration, a home owner, a dual citizen... my list grew and grew until I realized that I was spending too much time making my list.

Who else could I still be? What else could I still be? I've spent enough time in the past little while navel-gazing and wondering and thinking about what I want am who I am and who I intend to be when I grow up that I know the answers to most of these questions. I know already. I KNOW! So the question begs to be asked - then why aren't I DOING something about it? I know what needs to be done to get every single one of my dreams to come true. I know how much grit and determination and drive and WORK I need to be doing. I know how to be thin, I know how to be a better person, I know how to be a published writer. I have 40,000 books on my shelves to help me along the way. Every single deepest desire of my heart is possible. I know that. I can do it. If what you focus on appears in your life. Why aren't I shifting focus?

Laziness? No, I have come to know that I am not lazy. I am selectively lazy and I think that is an entirely different animal. Tiredness? Yes, I am often pooped at the end of the day but that is just an excuse. There are a lot of people a lot more tired than me getting on with the business of their dreams. Fear? Yes. I do sometimes think that I am afraid of what I might find when I get there. What if I do get thin and then I am just the same old me? What if I do get published and nothing really changes? What if people love me less because I am successful? I know what Now feels like. I can deal with Now quite easily. If I work towards Then I might not be able to handle it when I get there. I might be vulnerable Then, and that's really scary.

But it is all just more crap. More excuses. More not moving forward. I'd really like to go back in time and watch to see the exact place and moment in our lives where we learn that we need to be afraid. I would like to go back and smack the first person who made me feel small.

So I think that I am going to answer the question of 'who else I could still be' with the Walt Whitman quote at the top of this page: "I am large - I contain multitudes." And the one I used at the top of this post as well... Who else can I still be? I can be as big and wide and grand as I need to be. I can stop trying stay small and nervous. I can begin to live out to my own edges, to make big brave decisions and to not be so afraid of what I might find at the outer reaches of me. I can shift focus from my navel to my fingertips. I can be everything. I just have to be brave.

(Oh, and 40,000 books might have been a slight exaggeration!) For more Sunday Scribblings go here.


Susannah said...

YES YES YES! you can be everything your heart desires.. and your heart is big and full of dreams, and each one you can achieve..... i'm with you on the selectively lazy part, dear me, yes i am.... but i'm willing to work on that part if you will too... shall we do this together? :-) x

lisrobbe said...

I have always loved this quote. With your attitude susannah is right you can have everything, and you will achieve it. This is jsut the type of inspiration I was talking about in my post that I see in other bloggers. Thanks for being so real in your writings and for your encourging words you left on my SS post.

paris parfait said...

I like that quote too - and yours about going back and smacking that first person who made you feel small; that first moment when you felt afraid. It's true that we must overcome all those doubts and fears to become who we really are, deep in our hearts. I think you are an inspiration and will manage to accomplish all you set out to do. Love this post!

Remiman said...

Your words resonate within me. I recognize many of your insights unto myself.
Knowing that we can do anything (if not everything) is really the easy part for me. Deciding on what can I still be is the conundrum.
I enjoy the way you express yourself.

melba said...

It might not feel like you are doing anything but navel gazing, but you are building a foundation. I have come to the conclusion everyone who acheives their dreams did so first by building a foundation...that in most cases they had no idea they were building, but when they look back on their life they realized they had to do all that navel gazing to get to where they were meant to be.

Now at the end of the day, no matter what you have done concretely to acheive your dreams, you can go to bed satisfied that you are one step closer...

You can say to yourself
"I am building my foundation"

Jessie said...

"I can begin to live out to my own edges..."

Oooh Meg, I love that line. It is ripe with possibility. If you don't mind, I think I'll carry those words around in my heart for awhile. ;)

Gemma said...

This is a really good post. I recognized bits of me in it.We have endless possibilities to be our better selves.

Laini Taylor said...

Ah, Meg, yes! How much time have I spent daydreaming about how things would be when I finally a) lost weight and could buy cute clothes, b) finished a book and got it published, c) made a fortune somehow and bought a villa on the Amalfi coast... daydreaming is so easy and wonderful -- and important. But those next steps are the hard part. And though finally attaining some of the big dreams... well, it's funny because sometimes they happen so gradually the big "Aha!" moment never comes. You don't wake up one morning 20 lbs thinner (if only) or with a finished book, and the way there for me has been littered with anticlimaxes, but it's still wonderful to feel that one has made one's way to the big dreams. I know you will!!!

tara dawn said...

Yes my love, you can be anythng, anything at all! Perhaps the beauty of it all lies in the balance...some days we can be these strong women moving forward and pushing forward in our dreams...other days we can just be "selectively lazy" and rest in the moment. Perhaps it is the balance that we all need.
Thanks for an inspiring are such a beautiful woman.
Love you dearly,

Amber said...

Preach it, sistah! A-freakin-men!!
I think I will meditate on that quote...


Karen said...

Meg--it is so brave of you to be pushing your boundaries and challenging yourself so much. Thanks for sharing your journey. :)xoxo

Colorsonmymind said...

I want to smack that person too.

Oh man-this is so real and true for me too. The post is brave-so you are moving in the right direction it seems.

I am trying to stay with the thoughts of doing it....going forward. I am looking at all my choices and trying to choose-with the realization that I can do anything but not everything. For me I think choosing which direction or which things is where I am caught up-so I am moving slow.


Alexandra S said...

Megg, you are so awesome! I loved this post! You do contain multitudes and now its just getting all these multitudes and creative, brilliant parts to all make the decision to honor your deepest wishes. I am right there with you with the same questions, struggles, ambitions, and longings!

Vesper said...

i really like this! i'm new to your blog! i'll be back soon.

Anonymous said...

*standing up with pompoms, waving them wildly* This is SUCH an awesome post, and something I am beginning to realize as well...for all the bellyaching I do about not being able to do what I want, I could take steps to do them instead. I KNOW what I want...and hard or not, I'll get to the other side.

This one is getting printed out.


Living Part Deux said...

What you HAVE done in your life so far should be tremendous encouragement to you. You do "contain multitudes," and layer by layer, you will reveal them. This really is awesome. You're quite a woman!

Letha Sandison said...

Oh Meg, this was beautiful as only you can be. I can SO relate to everything you just wrote...I have been pondering this very topic with myself today.

I can't wait to see your face, hug your beautiful body and visit with your multitudes!!!!

You are perfect just as you are my dear. You are not small!!!

deirdre said...

You've made me think about what holds me back. And I'd like to join you in that smacking too.

Marilyn said...

"selectively lazy"...ha! I know that one...and that sounds so much nicer than "slothful." (Me! Not you!) :) Your post brought to mind something that I think holds me back from hard action toward my dreams sometimes...and that's this... I'm not sure I'm ready to give up my selfish laziness--to give up my private time where I do nothing more productive than stare off into space and ponder...or curl up in bed and bury my nose in a book. Truthfully, sometimes I like the regimen of a paycheck job, because when I leave it, I mostly leave it behind...and then my time becomes ALL be as lazy as I want to be. So I guess I'm really not selectively lazy at all...but rather thoroughly so. ;)

Star said...

This is an awesome post, Meg. I can really identify with being able to cope with Now and being afraid that reaching Then is a scary proposition.

Thanks for the kick in the pants! I'm right there with you.

M said...

Wow, once again, your words are my exact thoughts. Knowing what will make me feel better, feel real, feel relaxed, but hiding under the covers until I can't breath! Why do we do this to ourselves? Some people aren't as lucky and don't even know what to do, so we're ahead of the game so far. I wish we could meet up and have coffee and talk about this more. You are such a brave person, you will be everything you dream of, I know it!!

karen the neid said...

Wow! Great entry!

I would like to slap that person too. But by the time I get there, he would probably already be black and blue from everyone else's slaps. ;)

I envy those of you who already know what your dreams are. I have no idea what mine are and it's pissing me off. I'm stuck in life right now and I hate it. There are things I would like to do. But if I don't do them, I wouldn't be too bummed out. Like I would love to visit Ireland and northern Italy, but if I don't go I wouldn't be too upset.

Kudos to all of you who know what your dreams are! I wish you all good luck.

Tongue in Cheek Antiques said...

Hello Megg,

I need your address so I can mail you the journal. Finally, I have marked my page and it is ready to go to you to do the same. Thank you!

chest of drawers said...

I saw an amazing "Australian Story" episode while I was in Sydney about an actor and his artist wife who have had many ups and owns both in private and working life, the thing that´s kept them happy is waking up every day and asking "what would I like to do today, what would be fun?". Not everyone has that freedom but I definately think it´s worth striving for because then your time is yours and you can spend your time doing the things you love and dream about rather than using these dreams to balance the part of life that we´re stuck in and that´s not fun for us.

aithbhreac said...

Thanks for writing about this. I struggle with it too. Yet from the outside, I don't think people would see me as one who is not moving forward or not going after the things I want. Maybe sometimes we are too hard on ourselves. I liked someone's comment about "building a foundation". Maybe even when we feel stagnant we are actually still being productive and heading toward our goals.

Kerstin said...

Dito, Megg. I can relate to just about every word YOU wrote, too.

When I think about my dreams and the future these songlines often come to my mind (and I think I may have quoted them in a comment on here before, I can sometimes repeat myself):

Don't push too far
Your dreams are china in your hand
Don't wish too hard
Because they may come true
And you can't help them
You don't know what you might
Have set upon yourself

Maybe it is time to stop being afraid of breaking the china and to start smashing it like at a Greek wedding instead - and expect lots of good luck and happiness!

Take care,

herhimnbryn said...

Scene...A cold and wet 6.15am in Western Australia.
Light fire (again).
Find this blog.
Shout, "YES".
Dog opens eye and frowns at me.
I am so glad I found you...all of you.

AscenderRisesAbove said...

I have always enjoyed that quote: I am large - I contain multitudes by Walt Whitman; really enjoyed Kirstens reply to you as well. Wonderful reading your post and the resulting supporting comments as well

Maggie said...

In my case I already know who made me feel that way.
I second your writing I feel I am seeing me in your post..

briliantdonkey said...

Well, it is safe to say I am a bit late making it to see this post. The "what if then is no better than now" idea/fear is a big one to overcome. That said, I agree with all you said and most of your commenters as well. You can be anything you want to be sounds so corny, so 'parentally boring' but it also happens to be true.Or so I keep on telling myself anyways.Thanks for the post and for all the work you do on SS as well.


BD(aka one of many permalink screwer uppers)