Monday, August 21, 2006

excavation.

It's a quiet morning. I can hear some traffic outside my window and it sounds like it has been raining. Last night we went out with a dear friend who is now sleeping on our living room floor. Mark is still sleeping beside me and I am alone with my laptop listening to the world.

Once again I have been lurking through the pages of other people's blogs. I haven't been leaving many comments or writing much of my own stuff. I'm not sure why. I'm feeling a bit shy and a bit edgy. I feel like every time I write it sounds like the same old thing. I am constantly writing about wanting more, needing to change, needing to become all of myself. This morning I think I am bored of myself.

Living in the UK for the first time I couldn't put my finger on what was so fundamentally different about it. I knew when I walked on the cliffs near where I live that it felt different. I finally figured out that there is a real history here. (I wrote about the difference between North America and the UK here.) The people here have a real sense of things being 'done' a certain way. They are blessed with thousands of years of history. No matter where you go in the UK it feels like someone else has been there before. They are forever having some treasure being dug up that has worked its way up from where it was dropped hundreds of years ago. That's a lot of good reasons to continue to sift through the dirt.

(I paused here for a walk down to the sea. I needed to think about where this was going.)

But is it worth it - the digging I mean - is it worth the dozens of deep empty holes? The dirt under your fingernails? Would it be easier to sit cross-legged on top of the earth and let the sleeping treasures lay where they are? Are they better off lying there in the dark? Would I be able to enjoy the wind on my face knowing that there was so much more to uncover under the layers? Am I happier learning about myself? Am I better off making leaps of faith and understanding even though I am often thrown back five steps shortly after making them? Would I be better off to just get on with my life on the surface? Should I stop digging?

For me there is no question. I can't help it. I am on a journey. Trying to figure it all out is a part of who I am. After reading this yesterday I have decided that I must continue in my excavation.

A quest, it seems to me, stems from the intuitive belief that the key to our wholeness lies in the expression of what we've glimpsed in ourselves but not yet touched. A quest is connected to the you that reaches beyond itself to the thread that connects one human being to another." - Geneen Roth

I am not on a dig it seems. I am on a quest. I like that a lot better.

18 comments:

bee said...

good luck on your quest, megg. i know that it will do great things for you because of your willingness to be open to it.
reading your blog is wonderful, by the way. i dipped into all of your "heres", read about geneen roth, and i have so much to think about, digest, and be inspired by this morning!
thank you.

Susannah said...

Excavation is the most perfect word - we are on our quests to find the truth in our souls - the past, the future, the present is all wrapped up in each other. i feel like i keep banging on about my self portraits on my blog (and that makes me feel vain) but i guess i'm tryign to excavate my face/body to get to the treasure underneath (or perhaps to find a way to let the treasure shine through, as it is hard won)... Hmmmmm. either way, my love, i'll be holding your hand every step of the way! proud of you xx

Star said...

I'm taken by the quote you posted; I've probably read it 10 times. I love reading things that express so well what I feel or think because I'm grateful to finally have the words to tell someone else how I feel.

It's just very frustrating to see on the page what you feel inside and have been struggling to express for so long, to see the words which may have come so easily to another and wish you could have spoken them yourself long before so that others might have an inkling of what you're trying to say (rather than my usual nebulus response of "I don't know, I just need to find out who I am").

It feels good not to be alone. We need to continue to reach out to one another as each of us ventures out on her quest.

Vesper said...

leaving comments can sometimes take A LOT of energy. i lurk a lot!

Alexandra S said...

I think in the end there are just two kinds of people-those that are indifferent or not curious about growth, excavation, change, and those that are-you are fortunate enough to be someone who is incurably curious, striving, and that will always make for a rich, colorful, albeit painful at times, life. Having known people are the former, while I might struggle much more than them, what a sad life to not care about evolving, learning, and everquestioning and seeking the new and undiscovered. I love your blog because of all the questions and doubts, life and wonder you share here.

M said...

I love this quote and the idea of being on a quest. It sounds so much more adventurous instead of obsessive - like I seem to feel when I spend too much time in my own head.
Keep diggin' gorgeous!

ruby said...

i love the quote, and such a thoughtful post...i am finding through my own experience that while it may be a little safer and hurt less to leave the layers as they are, it certainly feels like a much much more vital choice to peel them back and explore what's there...

Remiman said...

Meg,
When you turn away from what's inside you, you wither away.
You may find or not what you seek, but if you turn away from your quest you'll stop growing.
Your resolve is inspiring.
rel

b/sistersshoes said...

Ooooo...I love the idea of our lives being a quest. That sounds so much more important than a journey...it has more purpose and even a little mystery, romantic even...

could it really be that simple?
just a change of words?
nope...shucks...I had myself going there for a moment.

I loved this post and I do love getting dirt under my finger nails, the smell of the earth and digging up a treasure :)

I envy the history under your feet!

xxx Darlene

melba said...

I like quest better than dig too. You are on a quest! Onward!

chest of drawers said...

I agree with Alexandra - and I love the idea of a "quest", makes it all sound more adventurous. I have found for myself that it´s better to "quest" forwards rather than dig in the past. There is a quote on one of Laini´s Ladies "Life isn´t about finding yourself, it´s about creating yourself", this really speaks to me.

Jessie said...

Oh Meg, I never get tired of the things you write because you speak of something that is inside of me as well. I especially enjoyed this post and the sense of place that it evokes. Blessings to you as you continue on in your quest.

I'm sending my love,
j.

Letha Sandison said...

Megg, I am enjoying watching and reading about your quest! I am on one too, I think we all are. I don't think it ever really ends, we are always evolving, changing, discovering!

You are such a wonderful person and a treat to have in my life!! Wish we could go walk on the beach and grab a pint in a pub!!!

XOXOXO

hundred and one said...

It's okay to write about the same old thing again and again. It's the way we, I, begin to figure things out - by speaking or writing about it constantly until there's a breakthrough. So don't beat yourself up about being boring or sounding boring - we all visit that place from time to time. Sending you {{{hugs}}}

paris parfait said...

A quest is good, as are journeys. Lovely post and photo.

Karen said...

I've BEEN to that picture, right????

Autrice DelDrago said...

The photograph is lovely!

Never stop the Quest - it isn't the end that matters most, but the enjoyment to be found along the way.

Amber said...

This touched me. I am a 'digger'. I always feel like I am on a journey... My blog has become a tool for this.

And then sometimes I just feel like I need to take a break from digging, and sit down and enjoy the view.

:)