Wednesday, August 29, 2007

hunger.

"Trusting ourselves means being willing to hunger - for food, for intimacy,
for comfort, for self-expression.
It is the denial, not the acknowledgement, of hunger that destroys us.
We are all hungry for something." - Geneen Roth


I haven't been. I haven't been consciously hungry for anything for a long time. I have wanted things. I have hoped for things. I have tried to 'manifest' things. I have cried for things. I have eaten things because they were there. I have dreamed about being a published writer. I have been lonely for friends and family. I have felt not good enough as is. I have been afraid of things. I have absolutely longed for things. But I have not been HUNGRY for things.

For me, hungry means wanting something so much that you do anything in order to have it. For me, hungry means that you ignore all rational and conscious thought because you are so determined. Hungry means that there is a real gnawing hunger that needs satiating. For a long, long time that has not been me. I have not listened to my hungers.

I have been eating. I have been watching television. I have been sleeping in. I have been making mess after mess in my house that I need to clean up. I have been emailing, surfing, reading, and generally farting around. I have been wasting precious precious time waiting. Waiting for what? I don't know. I'm embarrassed to say.

Many people (including me) have said that life would be so much easier if we wanted to be ordinary. But I think that on some level I haven't really wanted to be a creative either. I have so many preconceived notions of what that means. I am so scared of so much of it I couldn't begin to list all of the things I am afraid of. Mostly I am afraid to want it too much, or put too much work in, in case it doesn't happen.

In January I declared a theme for 2007. I have decided that starting on Sunday I am going to declare a new theme for the foreseeable future. And it's going to be HUNGRY. I'm going to listen to what I am hungry for and do something about it. That's it. There is no more time to waste. None.

Wish me luck!


12 comments:

Amanda said...

i do wish you luck. and i do completely understand the wasted time, the time spent wondering if it's worth it to put it all in. for me, i feel i have this passion to create, only i wonder what it is i am supposed to create. and how will that help anyone? how will it feed my soul?
i love your blog and i am happy to meet you too.

daisies said...

: ) yay!! that is soooo absolutely wonderful!! am so very happy for you that you have reached this point ... sending you all kinds of good energy!! xox

Anonymous said...

Hi. My name is Lara Berch. I have just launched a new website with step by step art tutorials. I was wondering if it's possible to exchange links with you. http://www.laraberch.com
Thank you very much for your time.
Sincerely
Lara

Tori said...

Good for you Megg and good for you for changing your theme. When I read your words I totally relate to these feelings. Hunger in so many forms is my biggest struggle. I would love to talk more about this with you on email if you want...
ToriMilan@maine.rr.com

Susannah said...

YYYEEESSSSSSS! yes yes yes yes yes

xo

Dalissa 365 said...

I am afraid, too. I think we must be a similar age and if so, I am wondering if there is something to this stage of life that says, it's now or never... get over your fears, put yourself out there and do something... ANYTHING! Anything that you hunger for! I've spent a lot of time raising kids but the truth is that I've also spent countless hours surfing the internet, reading, and thinking about what I might want to do when I have more time. Well, that more time is NOW. I have a few ideas about what to start on the 2nd. (I really should wait til the 4th since that's when my kids return to school but starting the 2nd means I get to do it with you and it also will give a jumpstart to their return) I am considering writing down all of the negatie things I say to myself on paper and putting them into a pile and burning them to start. After that, I am either going to commit to cleaning and finishing my art studio or driving for at least four hours since driving alone is when I get my best ideas for writing.

ps: Thanks for the message last week. I was able to read it right before I left for my last minute trip but I didn't have time to reply.

pps: I am writing to you from my photography blog, but I am also sentient marrow, just so you know.

Maddie said...

Yay! this is positively
exciting - I am salivating for you -
imagining you planning your
menu with relish:)

hugs!

HIGH FIVE!!!!!!!!!!!!

Amber said...

Me too! I need to be hungry ENOUGH to move in the direction of my dreams. I used to be SO HUNGRY!! That is what brought me through all my crap, you know? But now that I have been pretty safe and happy for many years... I have let my hunger go a little too much. I hardly know how to feel that way anymore.

I am with you.

:)

ceanandjen said...

I wish you a boatload of luck! Just yesterday, I started to panic myself. What if I can not see this new creative venture through? What if I am not good enough? What if people do not like my stuff? What if? What if?

Why oh why do we do this to ourselves? Defense mechanism? We are all good enough, and we all do have enough....but sometimes the avoidance is what we need to kick start ourselves again.

Here's to a successful kick start!!!!

xoxo

Star said...

Wishing you so much luck with this, Meg. I'm only wishing I was at that same stage. I simply haven't found my passion yet (or if I have, it is not stepping forward and demanding my attention).

You're making a smart move in not sticking with your plans of the new year and making a new plan that meets these new needs. Happy New Year!

Laini Taylor said...

GOOD LUCK!! Great post, Meg -- I understand a lot of this; I enjoy farting around too. And while sometimes I feel like I get alot done, other times I wonder how much I COULD have gotten done and be getting done all the time if I "farted around" less! But then, I think a degree of reading and knitting and napping are part of the process. At least, part of life! I was excited to read you're on page 90 of your novel-of-sorts. YAY! Page 90 is a BIG DEAL. And it sounds awesome -- a grown-up fairy tale. Keep going! Keep going!

Jessie said...

Megg, I like that word: "hungry." Hunger...come to think of it, I have not really felt it in some time either. I eat before I'm hungry--to fill other kinds of empty places? I make long lists of things to do, I obligate myself in 10 zillion different directions. There hasn't been much room for hunger.

But you've got me thinking...what do I hunger for? That is a beautiful thought--one that I'm going to explore further. Because I know I hunger...a wild hunger. For some reason your post reminds me of a quote I read yesterday:
"Well behaved women never make history." I don't know what that has to do with anything, but...well, yes I do. ;)