I've had this lyric from the Indigo Girls floating around in my head for the past few days. I'm feeling all a-muddle lately and all I can think is that I just need enough faith in our dreams to keep going. But then I think that it would be easier if I could just know without a doubt that it was all going to work out in the end.
I've never been the type of person to read the last page of a book, but occasionally - just once in a while - I have been so distressed by the events of a story that I had to read the last paragraph just to make sure I wasn't going to be devastated by the ending. I don't ever read more than that last paragraph. I don't want to ruin the whole story, I just need a little reassurance. This is where I am right now. I feel like I just want to open this particular chapter of our lives up to the last page and check that everything is going to be okay. I just want to see how things will be in a few months. Does anyone have a crystal ball?
But then that lyric floats through my head: "but you told me if I had my way I be bored" and I understand that we don't get to know. I have always taken the road slightly less traveled. How right is it for me to chase my dreams into the sunset and then to ask what time that sunset is expected? But it is here that I am sitting. I don't want to know what's going to happen in my life. I just want to know that all of this struggle and tension will be worth it. I just need a signpost or a cosmic sign. I just want to know that it's all going to be okay in the end.
"i don't know if it was real or in a dream lately waking up i'm not sure where i've been there was a table set for six and five were there i stood outside and kept my eyes upon that empty chair and there was steam on the windows from the kitchen laughter like a language i once spoke with ease but i'm made mute by the virtue of decision i choose most of your life goes on without me oh the fear i've known that i might reap the praise of strangers and end up on my own all i've sown was a song but maybe i was wrong i said to you the one gift which i'd adore unwrap a package of the next 10 years unfolding but you told me if i had my way i'd be bored right then i knew i loved you best born of your scolding when we last talked we were lying on our backs looking up at the sky through the ceiling i used to lie like that alone out on the driveway trying to read the greek upon the stars the alphabet of feeling oh i knew back then it was a calling that said if joy then pain the sound of the voice these years later is still the same i am alone in a hotel room tonight i squeeze the sky out but there's not a star appears begin my studies with this paper and this pencil and i'm working through the grammar of my fears mercy what i won't give to have the things that mean the most not to mean the things i miss unforgiving the choice still is the language or the kiss"