Thursday, June 05, 2008

i need a sign!!

"i said to you the one gift which i'd adore unwrap a package of the next 10 years unfolding but you told me if i had my way i'd be bored right then i knew i loved you best born of your scolding..." - Indigo Girls, "Language or the Kiss"

I've had this lyric from the Indigo Girls floating around in my head for the past few days. I'm feeling all a-muddle lately and all I can think is that I just need enough faith in our dreams to keep going. But then I think that it would be easier if I could just know without a doubt that it was all going to work out in the end.

I've never been the type of person to read the last page of a book, but occasionally - just once in a while - I have been so distressed by the events of a story that I had to read the last paragraph just to make sure I wasn't going to be devastated by the ending. I don't ever read more than that last paragraph. I don't want to ruin the whole story, I just need a little reassurance. This is where I am right now. I feel like I just want to open this particular chapter of our lives up to the last page and check that everything is going to be okay. I just want to see how things will be in a few months. Does anyone have a crystal ball?

But then that lyric floats through my head: "but you told me if I had my way I be bored" and I understand that we don't get to know. I have always taken the road slightly less traveled. How right is it for me to chase my dreams into the sunset and then to ask what time that sunset is expected? But it is here that I am sitting. I don't want to know what's going to happen in my life. I just want to know that all of this struggle and tension will be worth it. I just need a signpost or a cosmic sign. I just want to know that it's all going to be okay in the end.



language or the kiss - Indigo Girls

"i don't know if it was real or in a dream lately waking up i'm not sure where i've been there was a table set for six and five were there i stood outside and kept my eyes upon that empty chair and there was steam on the windows from the kitchen laughter like a language i once spoke with ease but i'm made mute by the virtue of decision i choose most of your life goes on without me oh the fear i've known that i might reap the praise of strangers and end up on my own all i've sown was a song but maybe i was wrong i said to you the one gift which i'd adore unwrap a package of the next 10 years unfolding but you told me if i had my way i'd be bored right then i knew i loved you best born of your scolding when we last talked we were lying on our backs looking up at the sky through the ceiling i used to lie like that alone out on the driveway trying to read the greek upon the stars the alphabet of feeling oh i knew back then it was a calling that said if joy then pain the sound of the voice these years later is still the same i am alone in a hotel room tonight i squeeze the sky out but there's not a star appears begin my studies with this paper and this pencil and i'm working through the grammar of my fears mercy what i won't give to have the things that mean the most not to mean the things i miss unforgiving the choice still is the language or the kiss"


14 comments:

Chookooloonks said...

I just wrote about cosmic signs here:

http://chookooloonks.blogphotography.com/archives/7899_1714915339/295306

Maybe something in that post or in the comments might help?

Good luck -- I'm sure it will all work out. As a good friend of mine says, "It always works out in the end. If it's not working out, it's not the end."

Sending good thoughts,

K.

b said...

Oh, to be young and have the journey ahead of me. I have found that when I take on an especially daunting task it does not do to look at the end. Eat it one bite at a time and celebrate each mile stone as though it is the most important. Unfortunately when we are done we are done.

Smile!!!

b

brittany said...

I love this song. The Indigo Girls' lyrics are always thought provoking.

I see here in my crystal ball that there will come a day when you will look back on planning your wedding and wonder at the stress of it all. Then you'll snuggle in to your wonderful life and enjoy the fruits of that wedding: a marriage. With all of its ups and downs and frustrations and joys.

pen said...

it's all going to be ok xx

Chloe said...

I know what you mean. Sometimes I feel like the suspense might kill me. But it would take all the fun out of life if we knew everything. No matter what happens, it will be okay. I’m sure that deep down you already know that.

Jaime said...

Oh sweetie, you just gotta trust that the universe is always conspiring WITH you. You are following your big open heart...what a wonderful thing. Don't let your mind get too much in the way.
The sunset always comes, gently cradling your dreams in a wash of golden colour.
You are going to be just fine.

xoxo

daisies said...

i think the sign is there inside of you holding you close and telling you that it is all going to work out the way it is supposed to ... jaime is right, listen to your heart and you will see, you so are going to be just fine :) smooches! xo

enchantedartist said...

No need to peek at the last paragraph here sweetheart! This truly is just part of the process...go with it...you'll find yourself smiling at a very happy ending.(Which will really be just the beginning of a whole, new wonderful story! :)

xoxo

pERiWinKle said...

"and they got married amongst the trees, laughing".

how is that for a sign?

You already have everything within you that you will need to finish the last chapter... xx

pERiWinKle said...

"and they got married amongst the trees, laughing".

how is that for a sign?

You already have everything within you that you will need to finish the last chapter... xx

Brandi said...

to be honest, I love it when people I admire talk about the normal, human doubts and fears and worries. because I go through it too. And that to me means, if I go through what others that I admire go through, then this path I'm on is okay. Normal. Going as it should.

thanks for speaking of this.

chest of drawers said...

OK...we have known each other for a few years now and you know that I´ve been through a lot and I´m older than you so YOU MUST BELIEVE ME! You are much more beautiful, capable and deserving than you think. Everything is going to be fine - maybe not perfect so take that pressure off yourself and let things flow a little.

Megan Potter said...

I've been meaning to comment on this post for the last few days... I even wrote out the quote your post made me think of... but of course, it's taken me three or four days to get the computer and the quote in the same space. Anyway, I hope it's still relevant :), it had a lot of meaning for me.

"When you become comfortable with uncertainty, infinite possibilities open up in your life. It means fear is no longer a dominant factor in what you do and no longer prevents you from taking action to initiate change... If uncertainty is unacceptable to you, it turns into fear. If it is perfectly acceptable it turns into increased aliveness, alertness and creativity." Eckhart Tolle, A New Earth

Pherenike said...

It will be Ok.