Friday, July 14, 2006

A rant.

If I could change one thing about myself it would not be my weight or my height or my foot size. If I could change one thing about myself it would be my ability to follow through with my decisions. Sometimes I am a very determined person. Give me a deadline and I can get my writing done. Give me a darn good reason for something and I can do it. No problem. The trouble begins when I sit down and make vague but grand decisions.

I can not tell you how many times I have said to myself, "From now on I will..." or "Starting tomorrow..." and NOT DONE IT. I'm getting fairly tired of the whole process to be honest. Which switch in my brain do I have to switch? Which magical thought do I have to think? How do I become one of those people whose stories you read in magazines saying, "One day I had had enough and..." or "A light bulb went off and I realized..." I have been changing light bulbs and having epiphanies for years; YEARS do you hear me? So what is different about me? I don't lack determination, I just can't seem to decide which decisions to use it on.

Sigh. And so I sit here, writing it all and thinking it all AGAIN. I'm bored of it and I am bored of me talking about it. I'm fed up with NOT following through with the good stuff. Why can I not just NOT eat things when I know that they are bad for me? Why can I not just get my sorry ass outside to exercise more regularly? Why can I not do these and other things that are good for me? Am I not wired properly? Does anyone know where that switch is?

17 comments:

Susannah said...

oh love, this sounds like a cry from the depths of your soul. i hear you. i don't know where the switch is, but i suspect it is in the same postcode as my switch: "I Can't Be Bothered". you gotta love the switches, non? ;-) x

liz elayne said...

i can relate to just about every word of this post. i have epiphanies all the time. and that is annoying. because they never seem to change me all that much.
i feel like i have moments of growth but then i am sucker punched by not learning the lesson once again.
yes.
lately all i keep thinking is "a little less thought and a lot more action" which is a line from a country song by an artist i cannot remember in the midst of my insomnia.
hugs to you my dear. big hugs.

felicia said...

megg,
you're starting to ask the right questions. remember, complacency is the worst state of affairs. you're riled up, fed up, and wanting change. this is GOOD. i was there and continue to be there.

i think sometimes it's best to attack the underlying concerns behind why we make the choices we do...a long time ago, i asked myself why i felt the need to have too many glasses of wine at book parties or any major social situation. at first i lamented and lamented, but then i realized that i needed to do this because i'm shy and social situations put you too much on a pedestal, forced to be a circus act, to perform and that is very nerve-wracking. so i stopped drinking and attacked the problem, head-on.

but this took many years to get to and i'm tackling each task by degrees. i guess i'm saying i would break down each concern, each worry, to its smallest, most manageable parts and not focus on the big picture, but the meal, the place and the situation you're in at the moment. once you're totally present, you can start making choices.

on a more pragmatic level, i actually schedule my workouts - i map out a week to week plan that i make myself stick to. i almost make it impossible for me NOT to work out and i work out with a buddy so we're both motivated....

hope this long-winded early rant makes any sense, love.

xoxoxo, f.

Tongue in Cheek Antiques said...

You might not know where the switch is, but you certainly have hit the button.
To turn on the switch, for me, is to have passion, the strong desire to make the change. Create passion, give it a helping hand, step by step...what stirs you and how can you use that to stir other parts in yourself?
Secondly, we must believe that the change we want to make will benefit us; we need to believe that it will make a evident difference, that to change will be far better than to stay as we are.

I am motivated by pressure, without it I seem to take my time and wait for tomorrow...I want to learn to use the switch without having to wait for the last minute or turn it on out of desperation!

deirdre said...

I'm sorry - I laughed a little, but only because you've so perfectly described me. You'd think it would be so easy to just decide and follow through. Yeah, right. I did hire a life coach once to help me with a huge project that overwhelmed me. She broke things down into small bite sized sessions and made it do-able for me. I try to apply that principle to other things, but that damn chocolate screws things up everytime. I'm not sure there's a switch, maybe a whole series of buttons and levers and small gears and the trick is to push or pull one every day. Hmm. I'll have to remember that myself.

M said...

You have it so right!! Where is that bloody switch anyways?!! I want to reach through the screen and give you a big hug. I agree with everyone's comments, and I too am trying to find ways to keep myself motivated. I know for me with exercise, I have discovered I need variety and to find something I really enjoy- like yoga.
Remember, you are beautiful no matter what!

Jessie said...

I don't know where the switch is because it's dark at my house too. :)-

I'm the same way...sometimes it sucks being so damn passionate about things. I have become much too much dependent on deadlines. That means that one of the few ways that I actually accomplish anything is through stress. As for getting more exercise or not eating (another) handful of potatoe chips--that must be due the viscious cycle of deadlines and stress I create for myself.

Then again...I do savor those lightbulb moments...those 30-some seconds of YES--I CAN DO IT! The problem is in being able to maintain that feeling long enough to see it actually happen.

This post though--ah yes...it did feel good for some reason. ;)

Colleen said...

I've been wondering where that exercise switch is for years too! The only thing that slows my eating down is chasing after my little girls. So there you go hunny have a bunch of kids. he he... just kidding. Seriously if you do find the switch let me know.

Star said...

I am SO right there with you. And the failure to act each time just seems to multiply the guilt.

I have found much relief by doing as Dierdre mentioned in breaking seemingly insurmountable tasks into much smaller bits to accomplish and cross off one at a time. But I haven't found a way to make that work with food and exercise yet. Hmmmm.

Just know you are not alone in this.

lisrobbe said...

Who can't related to this. I am searching for the switch as well. The feeling of not having the power to just do it and follow through on those words "From now on I will..." or "Starting tomorrow..." can be somewhat overwhelming and then the frustrain sets in. But the advice of the other comments makes me hopeful that I can change it.

b/sistersshoes said...

I hear you and relate....

I'm no expert, but this is what helps me....baby steps

as long as they are 'forward' you are accomplishing something, moving forward to "the goal"

if chocolate is a problem...break off a small bite, put the bar away, move to another part of the house, and then savor that one bite. hold it in your mouth for as long as you can...(just an example)

use this philosophy with all area's that dissatisfy you right now. You're a writer, remember when the Professor told us to just "free write" our way into something great? try that...it helps.

I'm loving your ranting and want more....rant away my love! Hey, your writing about ranting was sublime! :)

la vie en rose said...

oh girl, you're preaching to the choir. i think i've just about given up on the switch and instead i'm going to make friends with the dark...or better yet, find a candle buried somewhere...but then i'd have to find the matches too...*sigh*...maybe i'll just get used to the dark...

Colorsonmymind said...

giggling....because I too can relate very very well.

If you find the answer please tell me:)

tara dawn said...

Trust me darlin, if I knew where the switch was...I would flip that damn thing on for both of us:)
I feel you so deeply on this...too many decisions, to much indecision. Is it never ending? Where is the peace?
Despite it all, rest assured you are NOT alone in this...I am here girl, trying to figure it all out myself.
Love ya bunches,
TD

Cate said...

Not only can I not find the switch, but the electricity is out (I think a transformer blew!).

Beautiful musings, Meg! I'm so glad that you're back. If you find the answer, let me know.

melba said...

In my old journals there is this question repeated over and over again;
"when do I move from words into action?"
It has taken me YEARS to move. But finally I have. What worked for me is a little every day. Small steps. I wanted to create a book and I did it. Some days I would be breastfeeding while I typed and Ethan played at my feet....but everyday I did something. and then when a few months past i could say to myself..."look at what you have accomplished so far keep going!" I just kept cheering myself on. Then I found blogging which really encouraged me to follow my dreams and just keep working a bit every day.

Sometimes I do feel overwhelmed with all I have to do for justBe... but everyday I do a little and it helps.and I can see progress and the vision for my dream to become a reality.

Mardougrrl said...

God, yes...if someone finds it, can they turn it on here? Because I am tired of being in the dark.

SO glad to see you back!