Monday, April 17, 2006

a blue day

" matter how 'bad' a feeling is, it is only a feeling... The truth is we can survive any feeling as long as we allow ourselves to experience it without judging it." - Jane R. Hirschmann

I've been avoiding posting lately. I said before I had been neglecting you but I think that I have been avoiding posting and leaving comments for people because I have felt uncomfortable - not with blogging or with people but within me. I didn't want to come on here and be all sad and pitiful because truly nothing is really wrong. I didn't want you to think I was writing for attention or for sympathy but I just haven't felt able to post anything properly. I think, though that I have finally realized that this blog needs to be about all of me - not just the Writer. It's all real, isn't it? The happy, thoughtful sides and the warty bitchy sad sides both have to be a part of this if it truly is going to be about who I am. Sometimes I read about what people are going through and I think that I have no right to be unhappy - but sometimes I just can't help it.

My heart is actually aching today. I've felt wobbly and teary and just plain sad. I'm calling it homesick but it's family-sick and friend-sick and Canada-sick. I'm a bit fed up - with being worried about things, about money, about the future. I want to get ON with all of our plans. I come on here with great whalloping plans to move and write and BE and then reality hits and I get a bit bruised as I go. I even feel uncomfortable writing this - it's mostly for me, really. I think I just need to put it out there so that I can accept it for what it is and not judge it or let it keep me from writing other things. It was blocking me.

BUT! I have to find a positive so I am gratituding right now - counting some blessings to help me get some perspective back.

1. I am grateful for my gorgeous, wonderful boyfriend and also for his ability to cook (see photo above - yes, he made that WHOLE MEAL!!)
2. I am grateful for my friend Colleen and her sweet words and her gorgeous girls.
3. I am grateful for Skype. (FREE international phone calls!)
4. I am grateful as always for the amazing group of bloggers I get to be a part of.
5. I am grateful that I have this tool to get stuff like this out of me so I can get back on with getting on.
6. I am grateful for you.


Hundred and One said...

I feel you. I go to the place where you are right now quite often myself - I too now live far from home with no family around. But I am thankful for my husband and my daughter.
You're doing the right thing.. being grateful for the little blessings we are given each day.
Sometimes we get so wrapped up in ourselves we tend to overlook them.

Shannon (Sentimental) said...

Sweetie, just because others have problems, makes your own no less important. That devalues your human experience and your right to it. You feel sad, you feel sad. You are just as deserving of that emotion as someone else. A hard lesson I too had to learn but just because the woman down the street has it worse, doesn't mean you can't claim your own feelings because if you aren't, aren't you just being dishonest with yourself? Pretending?

We have all been there on the blogging front. It is intimidating at times and catching by doing and being what you think is expected even in the blog world. I find myself getting caught up in being like I think I need to be instead of who I am. That is never good for our souls. Dive in, be who you are and we will still be reading!


Alexandra S said...

If you were here in Portland (or I were there!) I would make you an enormous cup of hot cocoa and support you however you needed, and while I am thousands of miles away instead, just know I am here (by phone, email) any time you need truly. And DO continue to bring all of you to your site-the happy, the sad, the grizzly, & the marvelous, okay? Its all part of the Megg we all have grown to need and love so much!

Kerstin said...

Megg, you have expressed, so perfectly and articulately, EXACTLY how I've been feeling for a few months now.

The blogging block, the missing of home/family/friends, the weariness. I often put myself under pressure because of perceived blogging expectations that only exist in my head. I feel like a fake if I publish a 'happy' post when I don't feel it inside, but if I only put sad and depressed posts out there I fear that people will get as bored and exasperated with myself as I do.

But then I read a post like yours and the world looks instantly brighter again. I am not alone in this. And neither are you.

And don't forget, you are you a wonderful writer and as far as I am concerned you could be posting about eskimos and dead fish and I'd still be reading your blog.

Jennifer said...

good to get that stuff on the chest and then find the positive too. Glad you shared.

Left-handed Trees... said...

Walking the edge between public profile and private exposure is a very difficult balancing act. So, I can relate to your words today. They remind me of a quote (I use whenever I'm writing something scary) from Anne-Wilson Schaef, "You need to claim the events of your life to make yourself yours." This goes for "happy, thoughtful" and "warty bitchy sad"--because don't we all have both?

Cate said...

We are grateful for you, too, and you have every right to feel blue, even if you aren't entirely sure of the reason, even if you think that there are people with bigger problems, etc!

Nobody walks in your shoes, Meg, and you are human--you are entitled to "bruised days" (so eloquently put, by the way!). How wonderful of you to take the time to think about all of the things that you are grateful for--what a strong, proactive step. Take care of yourself, enjoy your writing, your man, and your sushi! Remember we just adore you--every little part--not only the upbeat, happy side! xo

tara dawn said...

And I am grateful for you. Life is not always pretty and poetic and inspiring. Sometimes it just plain sucks...and that is okay! I am so glad you decided to write this, to share the real pieces of makes us all feel a bit more human, and a bit more okay with our own "bruised days". I am sending you HUGE hugs and lots and lots of love across the miles!
Tara Dawn

Jessie said...

I'm grateful for you, too. And I'm grateful for your honesty. To tell you the truth, I don't like perfect people. I'm glad you're not one of them :)- Please, continue to be yourself--all of yourself.

And by the way, that sushi looks absolutely yummy! i hope you feel the spark return soon. I'm sending a hug. Feel it?

lots of love from one warty bitch to another,

Susannah said...

lovely megg, if life (and blog posts) were always happy and skippy, i think we'd worry there was something wrong. it's the grit in the oyster that makes the pearl! if you ever need a break, come and spend the day in bournemouth - it's not far and i'm thinking a glass of magical red wine and a few laughs could be just the medicine - sending you a big hug

melba said...

When I lived in California I missed my family so much; especially around the holidays because of the tradition and thinking about them all being together. It does make you appreciate what you have.
Now I miss all of you even though we have never met in person because sometimes you just need a hug or a hand to lay on yours or a squeeze of the shoulders.
Sometimes when I am longing for connection I sit in a quiet place close my eyes and feel presense. Let myself be filled up with the love of the world.
I am sending you some wonderful with the time difference you should be smiling before dinner!:)

Karen said...

I think a "skype" is in order. I'll try you today. xoxo k

Jennifer (she said) said...

i feel glad, when i read this. i say that because of what others have already expressed. i'm glad you did it for you, and i'm glad you're blogging, and i'm glad you're putting it out there - the fact is that life is HARD at times. and so is blogging. and missing. and the days that feel bad. who cares if those days feel like we have a good enough reason. if it feels bad, it feels bad. and when i see what you put down here, i see movement. if we didn't acknowledge the sticky, messy, happy, joyful, & painful and limited ourselves to certain emotions, i don't know if we could grow too much. or feel real. there's room for all of it, i think, in this amazing community of women and bloggers. the sunday scribblings pieces have been so outstanding this week, for me, because they are a big mix of experience and emotions and what each of us remembered and chose to share for this theme. and i am grateful for You & your part in all of this living & writing stuff.

liz elayne said...

always, always bring all of you to the table, to the page, to the day, to the computer, to your life. this is living my dear. this is it. i am so grateful for you. for your amazing creative soul. for your honesty. for your strength and brave sense of self. for the way you can turn a phrase on its head. for the way you invite me to notice things in my life.
(and now i must say that i cannot wait to come to visit and eat some of that sushi! wow!)

M said...

I agree with everything everyone else said! Thank you for sharing all of you with us, we are so grateful that you are out there. That you are sharing your writing with us. I know I too have "bruised days", and I wonder why I'm unhappy when I have such a great life. It's probably becasue we're going through some sort of process or something. Hope you're feeling better today.

Jamie said...

Of course there's room for all of you here, Meg. After all there's "more to you"! I'm sorry it's a rough time for you and that you're feeling bruised. Some times you just have to cocoon a bit and gather your precious strength. If now is one of those times, so be it. All of your glorious accomplishments will come. Take time for you.

Living Part Deux said...

Oh, Sweetie. You do express the feelings a lot of us have - longing for whatever is missing at that point in our lives. I echo Kerstin. The emotions are so much the same - and I tend to hide and not blog when I am feeling particularly sad or negative or something else that doesn't sound so nice. You encourage all of us. And we are here to encourage you. I love the quote! So true. And SKYPE. It is marvelous. I talk daily now to family in Canada and Australia. It would be so fun to talk to you - my Skype address is dlagrone306. I'm in Frisco, Texas. Call me if you would like! I'd love it.

Dana said...

I really appreciate and completely, totally support your desire to have your blog be about all of you. I agree that not writing about certain topics can get you stuck as a writer.

Laini Taylor said...

Meg, it makes me sad to hear you talking like this! You're such a warm and vital spirit, I wish you could just be free of all worries to write and ponder and create, and to fly back to Canada once a month, and do all you need to do to keep yourself happy and whole! I hope you have a good week and go from blue to rosy -- I hope your book finds its way into the hands of the right agent or editor very very soon. I hope all good things for you. And I'm very jealous of your homemade sushi spread!

Willena said...

Just know that you aren't the only one that goes through bouts of depression. I hope that it passes soon. If it doesn't, don't hesitate to get professional help. If depression goes on to long, it can feel like you never will get through it, and it begins to compound exponentially.

Remember that you have friends and readers who care for you. Reach out if you need more help.

Anonymous said...

I am so glad you said this, Megg. You are so not alone...I've been going through a depression on and off lately, but I feel like I should only post when I have something creative or inspirational or interesting to say. Sometimes you are, and that's OK. We all still really want to hear what you have to say.

Thank you.

la vie en rose said...

i know that bruised feeling too. i've been feeling it a lot lately too. let's vow to be honest...even if its not so attractive. afterall it's us, all of us.

chest of drawers said...

Have you read this?

Marilyn said...

I know what it's like to be homesick and familysick and friendsick, so I empathize. And you're right, the best thing to do in those down moments is to find some things to be grateful for.