Sunday, April 30, 2006
Sunday Scribblings: Why I live where I live
Laini let me pick between two of her ideas this week and I chose 'Why I live where I live' because it was the post that I didn't want to write. I knew that meant I had some unresolved things that I needed to sort through. (I apologize for being so selfish in my choosing. Have no fear, I will convince her to use the other option soon!!) For the past few weeks I have been really struggling (and pretty boring to read I'm afraid) with homesickness and an inexplicable sadness. I haven't been emailing or blogging really (very unlike me!) or even reading other people's blogs (VERY unlike me) and I couldn't figure out what was going ON. Normally I can shake these sorts of feelings but lately there has been a definite funk.
Then today I was doing the links on the Sunday Scribblings site and I went to Claudia's site to find her permalink and I found myself dreamily reading her post. Her pictures of her house and her descriptions of her home made me tear up. She describes her house like this: "Here there is colour and laughter, it´s our haven, we can be ourselves here, we decide how people are treated, who comes in the door and what goes on inside these walls. Here are the people we love, some in flesh and blood and some smiling from the walls. Here we live, love and dream."
I live where I live because of choices I began making over ten years ago. I live where I live because I moved to England a couple of times. First it was to waitress, and to find out what it was I wanted to do with my life (ha!) then I came back to teach high school. It was while I was living in London and teaching English that I started to date Mark. He and I had been friends since my very first move here in 1998. I commuted four hours on the train each way almost every single weekend while we were beginning to 'date.' By the end of that year we decided that I would move back to this little place to be with him.
So when I read Claudia's words light finally dawned on me. This building has never felt like HOME for me. Mark and I are always talking about where we are going to go next, what our house will be like someday, and how much we can't wait for a home of our own. Since we don't look on it like our home, the only home that I really know is the one that I left in Canada. 'Going home' means going to a place where I still have a lot of my things (sorry Mom & Dad,) where my family is, where my old friends are. It's where my stability and a great deal of my heart still is. This year I will not get to go there until December. I feel a very long way from home.
So thanks to Claudia and to Laini and to Sunday Scribblings, I think I finally am able to come out of my funk a little. I think that I need to stop looking at this place as 'where I live' and start looking at it as 'home.' I need to get some more pictures on these walls. I need to see that where we are - where we laugh and dream, where we are ourselves, where we live - is our HOME. Regardless of whether or not it is the long term solution, it is where we are now. I can still miss my family and my friends and my home across the sea, but in the meantime, I need to stop waiting for that magical day when we have the house of our dreams. I need to start being home here, and to take that with me wherever I go next.
I live where I live because I followed my heart instead of my head. I live where I live because my home is wherever he is. I live where I live because the rent is cheap! I live where I live because we are following our dreams, planning where we are going to live next, and because for now it is home.
Posted by meghan at 7:04 pm