Sunday, April 30, 2006

Sunday Scribblings: Why I live where I live


Laini let me pick between two of her ideas this week and I chose 'Why I live where I live' because it was the post that I didn't want to write. I knew that meant I had some unresolved things that I needed to sort through. (I apologize for being so selfish in my choosing. Have no fear, I will convince her to use the other option soon!!) For the past few weeks I have been really struggling (and pretty boring to read I'm afraid) with homesickness and an inexplicable sadness. I haven't been emailing or blogging really (very unlike me!) or even reading other people's blogs (VERY unlike me) and I couldn't figure out what was going ON. Normally I can shake these sorts of feelings but lately there has been a definite funk.

Then today I was doing the links on the Sunday Scribblings site and I went to Claudia's site to find her permalink and I found myself dreamily reading her post. Her pictures of her house and her descriptions of her home made me tear up. She describes her house like this: "Here there is colour and laughter, it´s our haven, we can be ourselves here, we decide how people are treated, who comes in the door and what goes on inside these walls. Here are the people we love, some in flesh and blood and some smiling from the walls. Here we live, love and dream."

I live where I live because of choices I began making over ten years ago. I live where I live because I moved to England a couple of times. First it was to waitress, and to find out what it was I wanted to do with my life (ha!) then I came back to teach high school. It was while I was living in London and teaching English that I started to date Mark. He and I had been friends since my very first move here in 1998. I commuted four hours on the train each way almost every single weekend while we were beginning to 'date.' By the end of that year we decided that I would move back to this little place to be with him.

So when I read Claudia's words light finally dawned on me. This building has never felt like HOME for me. Mark and I are always talking about where we are going to go next, what our house will be like someday, and how much we can't wait for a home of our own. Since we don't look on it like our home, the only home that I really know is the one that I left in Canada. 'Going home' means going to a place where I still have a lot of my things (sorry Mom & Dad,) where my family is, where my old friends are. It's where my stability and a great deal of my heart still is. This year I will not get to go there until December. I feel a very long way from home.

So thanks to Claudia and to Laini and to Sunday Scribblings, I think I finally am able to come out of my funk a little. I think that I need to stop looking at this place as 'where I live' and start looking at it as 'home.' I need to get some more pictures on these walls. I need to see that where we are - where we laugh and dream, where we are ourselves, where we live - is our HOME. Regardless of whether or not it is the long term solution, it is where we are now. I can still miss my family and my friends and my home across the sea, but in the meantime, I need to stop waiting for that magical day when we have the house of our dreams. I need to start being home here, and to take that with me wherever I go next.

I live where I live because I followed my heart instead of my head. I live where I live because my home is wherever he is. I live where I live because the rent is cheap! I live where I live because we are following our dreams, planning where we are going to live next, and because for now it is home.

31 comments:

chest of drawers said...

I´m so glad my post spoke to you...and that it made you feel better. It´s the most wonderful thing to have helped someone that I respect and treasure. It took me ages to feel at home, I had to make my mark on the place...so hangf those pictures, get some more of your stuff over here, hug that man and you will feel at home!

chest of drawers said...

I just read your comment...you can quote me anytime, what´s mine is yours!

Living Part Deux said...

Oh Megg, I can feel the longing for permanence, the longing for the journey ahead and the longing for him. You are lovely as you open your heart.

melba said...

That was beautiful Megg. I see you growing... It is amazing.
We have lived in our Home 5 years and some of the walls are still empty! I don't know how that happens, it just does. I wish I could give you a big hug right now! someday...

paris parfait said...

As someone who's struggled with some of the same issues you have in living in another country, I applaud your decision to invest your energy in making where you are now home-----even if it's temporary! I think we create lots of homes in our lifetime; it's very rare that someone gets exactly where they want to be and stay there. Following one's heart is a good thing and Devon is a beautiful place to live (my husband is from Plymouth). Thanks for your lovely post.

Susannah said...

I had a feeling that was why this was our prompt this week :-) I've never lived abroad so don't know the homesickness you feel, but i do know about the loss of a home, and of those feelings of displacement. it sounds like you are finding your way through the fog - finding a few feathers for your nest sounds like a brilliant idea to me

hugs to you, girlfriend
Sx

Susannah said...

:-))) i just read your comment on mine - i do remeber the question - thanks for the answer! :-) email in your own time, lovie, i ain't going anywhere.... Sx

Tongue in Cheek Antiques said...

I can so relate to what you wrote! I moved to France 18 years ago, and the first several years I NEVER felt like I was home, nor my happy self...you nailed the first board up to finding home in this post...you have taken the step to moving in and being happy!!

tara dawn said...

I'm so glad that you have found a way to make your house your "home". "Home" is what I have been searching for these past several years...at last I feel I have found it...at least for now:) Sometimes we just have to let go of the notion that "home" is a permanent place, and realize that home truly is where the heart is...even if that is in several places.
Love and hugs,
TD
-And I promise an email soon!

Laini Taylor said...

Great thoughts on "home" vs "house," Meg. Our house here is the first place I've felt is a "home" I've made for myself, beyond my parents' home, though I've lived in oodles of apartments in between. But what makes a home? Sure, it's love and who you live with and all that, but it's also a sense of future in that place, I think, even more than a past. If a place is just a way station, it's hard to really invest the energy in making it a home. Even here, though we own this house, we've always thought if it as a stepping-stone to our "real" future house, so we haven't made it into what we really want in a home. It's such a complex idea. But aside from all that, I think it's incredibly romantic that you moved to a seaside village to live with your love. It's a life story and love story to be proud of and to relish!

krista said...

I totally get that. All of it.

I have been there too. The past three years I have lived here because my job was here. But we rent this house I have never felt like home in.

Even though it IS our home.

It was when I was pregnant with my second that I realized that if this is where I'm living, than I better make it home. I had a moment much like the one you describe here.

krista said...

I totally get that. All of it.

I have been there too. The past three years I have lived here because my job was here. But we rent this house I have never felt like home in.

Even though it IS our home.

It was when I was pregnant with my second that I realized that if this is where I'm living, than I better make it home. I had a moment much like the one you describe here.

Mary Jane said...

Great post...I love what you said about following your heart...beautiful...now it's time to hang pictures...go for it...xxooxx

andrea said...

Today at this hour where would you like that dream home to be, geographically speaking?

Bohemian Girl said...

i agree that if you allow yourself to truly move into your space and get creative...it will feel like home.

hug to you...to ease the funkies.

xoxoxo

Jennifer (she said) said...

i am totally with you on this - stopping to see a place as home vs. where you live. there is a lot of possibility & power in viewing it this way (and i know it isn't always easy). i resisted this topic for similar reasons (the core reason at least) and am glad you chose it. i needed to write about this and think about it in a different way. and i'm glad you found your way to a place where you can begin to make this place your home, at least for now.

Dana said...

I live where I live because my home is wherever he is.

That's a beautiful statement. I live where I live because of the man I love, too. It has taken a long time for it to feel like home here, not just our house but the entire city. But it’s starting to.

kelly rae said...

i so appreciate your honesty. and it's true. home is where your love is, where you laugh, and dream, and plan, and discover!

Jennifer said...

For me home is a dream too... I love the planning and anticipation. I thrive on the process of creating home.

AnnieElf said...

I don't know how others may feel Megg but your "selfishness" sent me off on a huge creative tangent. If this is the result of selfishness, well, heck, you just be selfish any ol' time you like.LOL, Annie

Letha Sandison said...

Megg, those last reasons you listed sound like the best reasons to live somewhere to me! Following your heart, being with the man you love!! What else is there??

I hope that you start to feel more at home!! If it helps, I wish I lived in England! :)

Endment said...

I live where I live because I followed my heart instead of my head. I live where I live because my home is wherever he is. I live where I live because the rent is cheap! I live where I live because we are following our dreams, planning where we are going to live next, and because for now it is home. Your own words have put together a powerful summary
Thanks

Shannon (Sentimental) said...

Beautiful take Megg, we appreciate your words and hope you find your way out of the funk! Hugs!

M said...

This is wonderful! We can feel your pain and see you coming out of your funk all through your words. Homesickness is a hard one, but it sounds like you are navigating your way through it with grace, as always!
Hope your funk goes soon, but leaves you with some deeper understanding as well.

Kim G. said...

Thanks for sharing honestly about your ideas of home. Though I don't like to put too much stock in "things" I know the little things like favorite pictures, your favorite art and knick-nacks that bring you joy can certainly help a place feel like home. I hope that whatever roots you are able to put down make you feel more settled and allow you to experience joy no matter where you are.

la vie en rose said...

thank you for sharing your story so honestly. i'm a believer that growth often comes with facing/naming/sharing that which we resist the most. you chose a good topic!

Kristine said...

That last paragraph sums up my life!
We've been doing the same thing - continually looking forward with the hope of a home rather than embracing what we have...

Jamie said...

What a huge revelation, Meg! I'll look forward to hearing more about how you make your current space your home. I know that your heart and your love are already there - what a great start.

art and soul said...

that was beautifully said. homesickness can be so powerful adn lonely. looks like you are on your way to sunnier days!
jill

tinkerart.typepad.com/tinker_art/ said...

Thank you for fighting through your resistance and going with this prompt. It's inspired so many fascinating angles on this topic...I'm going to be reading all week!
Sending best wishes to you, as you make your home your own.

Jessie said...

I'm glad you chose the prompt that you did. It was my favorite one to write so far...and very appropriate for my state of mind these days. It was also the most fun to read (of everyone else's).

Thank you for doing Sunday Scribblings. It has been a long time since I've really FELT like I was writing. The other day I heard myself tell someone that lately I'M REALLY WRITING! Oh, and it felt good to say that. Thank you Megg, for helping me start getting over the block I had run into.

And I enjoyed your post immensely. What is it about following your heart and not your head that I like so much? It is the best way to live!

lots of love to you,
j.