Sunday, May 28, 2006

Permission to Begin

I have had a bit of a crazy week. I know that I haven't been posting very much & I promise I will post more from now on. I had my job interview this week. (For the job I have already been doing for the past month. yeah.) I found out on Thursday that I get to keep on doing the job. Which is good for our finances, but it is also very scary for my brain. It is my first permanent contract you see. I have always done jobs that are short-term contracts. Short term was good for me because I could move on when they were finished. If I enjoyed them, I could go back another year, but I wasn't tied to any particular thing forever.

Well, this week I agreed to do a job forever. I know intellectually that I don't have to do it forever - or even for a year if I don't want to - but it seems like a very big deal. For the first time I feel like I can't just pack up my life into two suitcases and leave. I was never actually going to do that - Mark and I are committed and we are going to be here for a while - but I had the option before. This is really grown up. I have a job with a contract and holidays and lots of permanent responsibility. It's a big deal.

Having a permanent job also makes me nervous because I have also made a real commitment in my life to Write. I have all of these books and ideas in my head and I am scared that I will not have the time, or more accurately, the energy to give them life. I am so excited about some of them. I want to thank everyone who sent me recommendations on books to get my artistic juices flowing. I have bought a couple of books on those suggestions, so I'll keep you posted.

All of that being said, I need to tell you about something that happened yesterday. Scared of not having enough energy or time, worried about not having the talent or the creativity to make the ideas become something, and nervous about starting anything when I am so discombobulated, I stumbled into a bookstore yesterday afternoon. This is one of those bookstores that only sell inspirational/self help/ women's issues kinds of books. It's another place that I feel totally at home. I often go into this bookstore but the last few times I haven't come out with anything - nothing has spoken to me. Yesterday I took a deep breath before I went inside and asked for guidance. I wandered along, waiting for inspiration and finally found some SARK books on a shelf. I usually don't pick up her books because I already own most of them, but I felt drawn to pick up Living Juicy for the first time in years. I closed my eyes and opened the book, hoping for an answer. When I opened my eyes I was looking at one of her permission slips. It read: Permission to Begin.

So there you go. Fears, job, doubt and energy be darned. I asked for a message and I got one. Now I have to listen to it. yikes!


Colleen said...

Congrats Meg! The whole gang is turning into grown-ups. Some have houses, kids, and now Meg has a full time job! I'm happy for you and glad you get vacation so you can visit home once in awhile too! :o) Maybe this new career of yours will inspire a book one day. Who knows!

Alexandra S said...

I relate to this post all too well because I am struggling with the same thing! I've been working Ft for so long and I yearn for much more time to be idle, to write. What I find, working a 4 day week, is that by the end of my 2nd day off my brain is finally unwinding enough to get the creative writing flow really going, but then Tuesday comes along and I lose that momentum all over again. *sigh* Lets do some brainstorming via email how we can come up with some workable solutions and inspire each other onwards, ok? I cherish, adore, and NEED your writing in the world with me so lets make it happen!

Jamie said...

You have all that you need to be all that you are, and you are a writer.


liz elayne said...

permission to begin
meg - this is it my friend.
congratulations on your job. congratulations! i know that it brings with it its "stuff" and responsibilities. and you will find a way to carve out the time to write and write and write and write again. you will. and i will be right here ready to read and listen and brainstorm and support. right here my friend.

Laini Taylor said...

A sign from the universe! I want a permission slip too! That's a great story and I hope it works. I wish we could all have foolproof cosmic permission slips that opened us up to all the things we want to do and broke down those silly walls of nonsense that keep us taking a step forward and a step back, on and on. And as for the job, congrats on the stability -- I hope it doesn't wear you down too much. It sounds like a good place. Whenever I hear about the short term contracts it sounds odd to me. I don't know if it's European or just industries I've never worked in, but my friend in the Netherlands goes from one one-year contract to the next, and all I'm really familiar with is getting a job and keeping it until you're ready to leave or they're ready for you to leave! Good luck with your work-work AND your writing work, and finding a balance.

chest of drawers said...

You know the old saying "where there´s a will there´s a way!" long as you know what you want and what´s important to you, you will find the time. You should see the job not as a hold-back but as a sure thing, bringing money every month. For me, not having to worry about money sets my energy free! And being forced to stay put may just give you the push you need to create a real home for the two of you.

Susannah said...

You go girl! congrats on the job, but most of all, congratulations on giving *yourself* the permission to begin - you know this is the path, step on it and see what happens :-)

paris parfait said...

Felicitations on the job! The "permission to begin" prompt appearing at the appropriate moment is a lovely story to share. I'm looking forward to seeing where your creativity leads. No doubt, a beautiful road ahead!

krista said...

Congratulations! My husband is a writer and has a permanent job (not writing).

He struggles with this divide too- but you have bubbling creativity inside you, and even if it is a struggle to make time to get it out- I know you can do it.

Just like he can.

deirdre said...

Congrats on the job. You may have to be more aware of making time to write, but you are a writer, it's what you do, so you'll find time. I find the more stable my life is the more creative I become, you might find the same thing. Writing is like breathing. It's not a choice - you just do it.

M said...

Sark is so smart! Congratulations on the job! I can totally relate to the fear of a full time permanent job- it does feel so grown up doesn't it?! You can do it! You want to write, so you will write. You won't be able to go without it, I'm sure. Very exciting!!

Caroline said...

Not only listen to the message - act on it!

You are clearly carving out a new challenge for yourself.

But to me its odd - most people I know find security in knowing that they have a permanent job - after all they can give notice but are far less likely to be "let go" (though that is not impossible) - but I do know someone who when offered a permanent postion didn't take it... then when they decided to do some letting go she was one of the first to go and nothing at all in the way of redudancy pay which other people got.

So congratulations on facing your fear and taking the plunge. And you can always give notice if you need to!

la vie en rose said...

i love this megg! permission to begin. and isn't it funny that we often don't give ourselves the permission we need to do the things we truly want to do. the universe has spoken! now get on it girl!

melba said...

I think the world brings to us what we need...we just need to be open and pay attention.

I will try to email you again midweek.
I am thinking of you...