I have had a bit of a crazy week. I know that I haven't been posting very much & I promise I will post more from now on. I had my job interview this week. (For the job I have already been doing for the past month. yeah.) I found out on Thursday that I get to keep on doing the job. Which is good for our finances, but it is also very scary for my brain. It is my first permanent contract you see. I have always done jobs that are short-term contracts. Short term was good for me because I could move on when they were finished. If I enjoyed them, I could go back another year, but I wasn't tied to any particular thing forever.
Well, this week I agreed to do a job forever. I know intellectually that I don't have to do it forever - or even for a year if I don't want to - but it seems like a very big deal. For the first time I feel like I can't just pack up my life into two suitcases and leave. I was never actually going to do that - Mark and I are committed and we are going to be here for a while - but I had the option before. This is really grown up. I have a job with a contract and holidays and lots of permanent responsibility. It's a big deal.
Having a permanent job also makes me nervous because I have also made a real commitment in my life to Write. I have all of these books and ideas in my head and I am scared that I will not have the time, or more accurately, the energy to give them life. I am so excited about some of them. I want to thank everyone who sent me recommendations on books to get my artistic juices flowing. I have bought a couple of books on those suggestions, so I'll keep you posted.
All of that being said, I need to tell you about something that happened yesterday. Scared of not having enough energy or time, worried about not having the talent or the creativity to make the ideas become something, and nervous about starting anything when I am so discombobulated, I stumbled into a bookstore yesterday afternoon. This is one of those bookstores that only sell inspirational/self help/ women's issues kinds of books. It's another place that I feel totally at home. I often go into this bookstore but the last few times I haven't come out with anything - nothing has spoken to me. Yesterday I took a deep breath before I went inside and asked for guidance. I wandered along, waiting for inspiration and finally found some SARK books on a shelf. I usually don't pick up her books because I already own most of them, but I felt drawn to pick up Living Juicy for the first time in years. I closed my eyes and opened the book, hoping for an answer. When I opened my eyes I was looking at one of her permission slips. It read: Permission to Begin.
So there you go. Fears, job, doubt and energy be darned. I asked for a message and I got one. Now I have to listen to it. yikes!