Saturday, May 27, 2006

Sunday Scribblings - First Love

When Laini told me about this week's post I sat and thought about it for awhile and then I did something I very rarely do. I Googled someone. A few someones actually. I started thinking about my first crushes and wondering where they are now. I'm sad to admit that I can't remember all of them. I had a very deep crush on a boy named Troy when I was still in Elementary School. I was dancing with him at the Valentines Day sock hop when Danny P. came over and held a heart above our heads and told us to kiss. We did - quickly. It was my fist kiss. But now I know I didn't love him. (And I couldn't find him on Google.)

My other crush in the eighth grade was alternatively two guys named Derrick and Darryl. (HA ha HA ha - funny how alike their names sound now!) Derrick had spikey hair and high-top sneakers and he brought his ghetto-blaster to school every day. We would all hang out in the breezeway and listen to Bon Jovi's Slippery When Wet album at lunch. Ah, good times! He and I sat beside each other in class and I had a real crush on him but I was really smart and he teased me all of the time about it, so I was too scared to admit I had a crush on him. I found someone with his name on Google who is now a Geography Prof. at a university. That would be ironic if that was him, but the picture didn't look anything like the guy I knew. I also know now that I didn't love him either.

When I started high school I had a mad crush on a guy named Ted. He and I worked together. Every year we would flirt for months, go on a date or two in the spring, and make out a little. Then I would go to camp for the summer and not see him for months and it would take us nearly a year to get back to 'seeing each other' again and the process would start again. Then he hit 17, started playing rugby, became a jerk and blew me off. I was hung up on him for years. I couldn't find him on Google either. What I felt for him wasn't love - it was teen angst!

Then there was Andrew - I will not go into that tale of woe and embarrassment. He had another girlfriend at the same time, and the result was a loss of three years of my romantic life, a lost 'best' friend, and a trip to the UK. I know that despite me thinking that I loved him, that what I felt was friendship, fear, and attraction. Then I also think I was scared that I would never find anyone else. That's not love. (And nope - no Google entries!)

So what is love then? Well, I've thanked Andrew many times in the past few years (in my head) because if it wasn't for our dysfunctional relationship I may never have come to the UK to find it. I truly think that in coming here I have finally experienced my first love. I can't describe what love is or how love feels, or how you know when you are really in it. I just know that for the first time, I have felt it. My Mom and my Aunt Kathy once said to me that, "you just know," when you are with the right person. At first with Mark my knowing was clouded with geography and other people's opinions, with 'shoulds' and other things, but I always knew that he was special. I always knew that I needed to give it a try. And now I "just know" that I am finally with my Love. And since this is my first time feeling this way, I guess he really is my first love.

(And yes, I Googled him, and yes, he's there!! Top of the list!) xo

P.S. I'm still in email purgatory - hoping to be back on at the beginning of the week! Sorry my posts have been few and far between. I have lots of news - I'll try to write more on Monday! XOXO)

17 comments:

susanlavonne said...

There are so many insights in your writing...that we somehow never loose the need to know about those we felt strongly for, that hindsight really is 20/20, and that often, we see our current love as the "real" one (if we are very lucky).
Think I'll go off and Google some people now :-)

Laini Taylor said...

It's a wonderful serendipity that you found Mark that way, that crisis drove you to adventure and love. And that he's your true first love. I feel that way about Jim, too, though I guess I was in love with my previous boyfriend, it was a fraught, painful kind of love, and I'm so thankful I moved past that to this kind of love, the adoring, trusting, comfortable, glowing kind. Yay!

paris parfait said...

This is such a beautiful reminder of how our best-laid plans often go awry and lead us to something - and someone - better for us. Such a touching story about how you found love. Wonderful! Makes my heart sing.

Endment said...

This is very insightful and interesting! Wonderful that you have found that true love!

You inspired me -- I googled my 3rd grade crush wow - was I surprised... It was fun

Living Part Deux said...

I don't think you ever lose that tender pull toward someone you have loved, even if it is bittersweet. I loved reading of our journey, and I'm so glad it all led you to Mark.

Alexandra S said...

I second everyone here Megg! Each loss led to your exposing yourself to new risks, and new lands, and right to Mark! Somehow it all feels meant to be. (I FINALLY have Net access again at home as of the past hour-after 3 months w/o it! Hope your email access is working soon so we can start emailing again!)

deirdre said...

This is great. You took me back to all my teenage crushes and to gratitude that none of them worked out. I haven't googled any of them, but it's a thought ....

la vie en rose said...

all the crushes that get us to where we need to be...

Marilyn said...

Great post...but my personal favorite part was that you used the word "breezeway"...since I have used it since high school...but oh lordy, the teen angst moments that occurred in the breezeway...thanks for the memories. ;)

chest of drawers said...

I googled my first love too - there he is, still playing for the same football club. Yes, we should be grateful to all our past loves for getting us here.

AnnieElf said...

We live, we grow, we improve. How fortunate that we outgrow our youth. LOL

Tongue in Cheek Antiques said...

Love knows no bounds, how lucky you are to have loved!

Susannah said...

ahh, this was lovely. every time you blog about you and your man i find myself smiling - bless your hearts, can't wait to meet you both on the 16th :-)
sx

Mardougrrl said...

This post was like skipping stones, in the best way. :) Each crush, each experience, led you closer to your love. So romantic--almost fated! :)

Kim G. said...

How wonderful that the ones who weren't your true love all fell to the wayside so you could find your true love!

boliyou said...

Just as it should be. A few crushes and bumps along the path to your true love.

Verity said...

Thanks for sharing all those stories from your past, it reminded me of my own...including the googling! I'm sure everyone does it! I did end up finding one of my mad teenage crushes on google, he was living in Germany and playing in a rock band that did Bon Jovi songs amongst others! I even went out to see him...it didn't go well. But it was an experience I'll never forget!!!