lumps and bumps

Can you believe the cuteness?? This is my gorgeous niece again (who I won't get to see until October unless it's through the magic of iChat...)

I have been a bad blogger lately. I feel very wrapped up in boring old me and I haven't a lot to say. Tomorrow I am going in for minor surgery. I have a big lump on my back that the doctors say is a cyst. But there's more to the story.

Last week I went in to have it removed. I psyched myself up, went in, got half-naked. (In this office they don't seem to do the robe thing - in Canada you put on a robe for anything that requires any level of nakedness... weird.) And winced while the nurse put SIX needles into my back. She apologized and told me that she had to get the freezing under the lump so it wouldn't hurt. (?!) So then I lay there - still half naked - and waited for the doctor. When he came in he ummed and ahhhed and looked at my chart and said, "I actually don't do this anymore." (Another doctor at the surgery had told me to make an appointment with her or with him. He's my regular Doc. so they put me with him.) Apparently he now does the injections and another Doctor does the bloody big cysts.

So, furious, I made another appointment with the Doctor who actually does those procedures and left with my lump all bruised and my attitude considerably worse than it was when I went in. I had myself all geared up, you see, and I had already dealt with the 'worst bit.' So tomorrow I have to leave work early again and get my lump removed. I'll let you know how it goes. I wonder if I shouldn't just keep it now that we have been through so much together. Hmmm... but I do so enjoy getting half naked! It's a tough call to make. Please wish me luck?!

Happy Anniversary to me!! (My 139th Post)

This is a long one - but I have a year to talk about!!

A year ago today I began an incredible journey. I sat reading a blog post by someone else and I thought, "I want to do this!" So I did. I signed up for my very own blog. I wrote a post (probably about 5 times before I was brave enough to publish) and tentatively went out and began telling people I was alive.

The first person I went to see was the incomparable Alexandra. She had only started her blog a few days before me and I had read some of her comments on other people's blogs and really liked them. So I went to her site and introduced myself as another new blogger and I am forever grateful that I did!!! Not only is she wonderful, but she also introduced me to the incredible Laini. Between them they have spoiled me rotten, shared their writing tips, and become good friends. I was lucky enough to meet them for sushi and treats in November and I look forward to seeing them again soon. (Laini also became my partner-in-crime in our writing venture Sunday Scribblings!) I adore them both. They are magic.

Ten minutes after writing to Alexandra, I connected with Jamie and a little while later, Claudia. Between them they have inspired me to live a more honest life. Jamie doesn't know it yet, but she changed my life a lot. Knowing her and reading her has made me try to be more comfortable moving my body. I have begun to begin each day with a solo dance in the living room. A year ago this would never have been possible.

I won't go into my blogging world person by person because every single one of the people I have met on here have had an impact on me. Since this time last year I have: begun a blog, co-begun a writing blog, finished writing a novel and tried to send it out into the world. (I have stopped doing that for now in favour of writing another one... it will be my third!) I have finished a half marathon, written the rough draft of a non-fiction book, gone to Seattle and Portland to meet some of my new friends, gotten a promotion, lost my Grandmother, and become an Aunt and Godmother to the beautiful Helen (that's her in the photo with me, I got her her first Nalgene bottle before I left - ahhhhhhhhhhhhh........)

One of my bravest leaps this year was that trip to Seattle. I've written about it a lot already so I will just say that the women I spent that weekend with have altered me.

So where do I go from here? Where do I want to be in another year? Yesterday I posted about how bored I was with myself and what I had to say. I am still kind-of in that place. I am struggling a bit with this tonight. But writing this has helped. I have come a long way, baby. I am not alone. I have done some brave and some audacious things this year, and if THIS blogging year is as full of creativity and connections and change and words as LAST year was, it's going to be quite a year. Wish me luck!

Where have I BEEN??!

"There are very few human beings who receive the truth, complete and staggering, by instant illumination. Most of them acquire it fragment by fragment, on a small scale, by successive developments, cellularly, like a laborious mosaic." -Anais Nin

As I sat down to write this post I found the theme song from 'Superman' in my head for some reason. I am not fully certain what that is about. Perhaps a big fat post is brewing. Perhaps I am about to birth some fabulous idea... hmmm... doesn't feel like it.

Where have I been? First I was stuck in a land with no internet for a very long time. Then, just about the time when my internet came back I was plunked into a land where I had to go back to work full-time. I've had trouble getting my act back together since then. I've been torn between the blog post that I would like to write and the fact that even I am bored of reading my blog posts.

Seriously. I feel like I keep going on and on about the same thing. I feel like all I want is to get my freaking act together - get healthy, get writing, get websited, get published, get... get... get... blah blah blah. When I started doing Morning Pages several years ago, Julia Cameron said that doing morning pages meant that eventually you'd get bored of complaining about the same old thing and that you'd start to get on with it. I feel like that this week. I am so BORED of myself I can hardly type.

I love that Anais Nin called our illumination: "like a laborious mosaic." The word laborious is about right. I feel like I am so close to creating something astounding. I feel like I am on the very edge of saying something interesting. I feel like I have a huge handful of the pieces and I am just about to finally sit on my ass and put them together. I need that so badly - to sit up again, covered in muck and glitter and ink, stretching my back muscles and looking down at the results of my getting stuck in - to finally have stopped talking and started doing. I wonder if other writers get so caught up in writing about writing that they never get a 'real' word written.

Does anyone else get bored of themselves? What do you do then?

My arm has been cut off...

Well, okay so the title of this post might be a SLIGHT exaggeration but if you know me at all you will realize that what I am about to tell you is making me crazy.

We are without internet. Yes, I am writing to you from Mark's parents' house. They took pity on me so that I could do the Sunday Scribblings linking (which didn't work today for some reason - everyone in the world needs a MAC!) So I just had to take the opportunity to tell you that I am still here - we survived the flights home - and that we are holed up in our little house. But we arrived to find that our internet didn't work. A phone call to the company told us that they would check it out and call us in three days - THREE DAYS?!?!?!

Having no internet has forced me to actually get some writing done (which is good.) But it has also meant that I am totally out of touch. So I promise that I will be back soon - or I might actually go completely crazy.

In the meantime, please go to this link (Blogger hates my links today so I am giving you the whole thing - cut and paste and watch, but don't do it in an office where you aren't allowed to be blogging as there's sound!) I promise you'll giggle! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gujSJ4zTlhs
xo

Putting my money where my mouth is. (AND Friday Felicitations)

Well, if 2007 is going to be a year of growth, I need to start putting away all of my old crap. One of the things I need to put away is my hatred (yes, you read that right) of any and all photos of myself. It's MY bloody blog, isn't it?! WHY have I been so nervous and strange about photos of me? So here we are - cute eh?!

This holiday I was lucky enough to get to spend a day going through the six boxes of photos and home movies that my Grandmother left us. Two cousins, two uncles, one aunt, my parents, my brother, Mark and I all sat around my Mom's quilting table alternating between reminiscing and questioning. There was a lot of, "Aunt Wendy, who is this?" and "Does anyone know who this is?" But there was also a lot of, "Ooh! Look how cute..." and even more, "Oh, remember this?" Stories and people long dead or forgotten were remembered again. We made fun of old hair cuts and talked about friends and families and camping trips. We sat around and watched home movies on a projector with no sound. The 'grown-ups' struggled and rubbed their foreheads to remember the names of their old playmates, but could easily talk about where they used to play. For a few moments, my Grandparents were alive again.

I love old photographs. I love looking at the faces of the people who were responsible for me being here. I never really knew my great-grandparents, but I love and respect them just the same. Their lives created mine. I get goosebumps writing that. People wonder why I need photographs of them young when I never knew them that way. I need them because I need to remember that they were young. That they had dreams and loves and a life beyond what I know of them. I need to keep the perspective that my life will be short. My grandchildren will look at the photos I leave them and see me young. I want them to be proud. I want them to know me.

So from now on I am going to try to be okay being photographed. My Dad always says that if you don't get photographed, you won't have pictures and he's right. I want to remember. I want to sit down in 20 years and smile the way that my family smiled the day we went through Grandma's photos. I want to be surrounded by the happy memories and the spirits of the people who mattered to me. And I want to always remember that life is very, very short.

P.S. This should be my first week participating in Friday Felicitations but we are going away first thing tomorrow and I won't be able to post anything then. So I will add to this already long post my tentative first post on the subject. Megan explains it like this:

"It’s time to help each other throw out all that negative thinking and acknowledge those things we have to celebrate. Friday is now the day to blog your compliments, your accomplishments, something nice someone said to you, or maybe even something you are stiving to make better."

So this week I'd like to:
- acknowledge the incomparable Thea for starting her etsy store. I am definitely going to own one of her 'Blue Skies' pendants as soon as the money starts rolling in again!
- celebrate my drive to make this new year special and real and abundant
- enjoy that people have told me I was inspiring - sigh!

I'm new at this so I am going to leave it there for this week... love to you all!!

Happy New Year!!!!

I wish I could take a picture of this very moment for you. I'm sitting in my parents' kitchen chatting with my them and watching Mark cook Creme Caramel. Outside the sliding door the weather is positively balmy, the sun is shining, the birds are confused, and the grass seems to be getting greener by the minute!

It's a new year! It's a new day! It's a fresh start, a new beginning, another chance. I feel uncharacteristically positive about this whole 2007 thing. My life and the lives of those around me have been changing at an incredible rate. Every horoscope I read tells me that I need to get on with the business of my dreams because some celestial body moved into my sign and that means money. (Scorpios take note!) Last year I feel like I laid the foundations for this one. I now have my very own tribe of like-minded women, books begun, websites growing, and some physical boundaries shifted. I also have a gorgeous new niece (see above) and another year to get on with it.

My cousin sent me an e-card that helps you to make your resolutions. You fill in a number, a couple of adjectives and a couple of verbs and it fits them into sentences that are your resolutions for the year. Here are my results:

1. Lose 25 pounds (how did it know?)
2. Be more beautiful (awwwwwwww!)
3. Be less strong (I read this as let loose a little more and worry a little less!)
4. Stop walking (I was worried about this until I read this next one)
5. Start dancing (yes!)
6. Jump every day. (heh heh heh heh heh.)

Last year I decided that I wasn't going to make resolutions any more. I never ever did any of them, so I decided to choose a theme instead. I thought if I did that if I could simply try to make my decisions based on the theme, that I could make small changes towards goals. My self-chosen theme for 2006 was "Brave." Looking back I can easily make a list of things from last year that I am proud of. I know that I have been brave this year.

So this year I had a real think about what my theme for the year is going to be. I've decided on 'Grow.' I intend real growth this year. My muscles, my resolve, my bank balance, my romance, my friendships, my tribe's success, our website, my word count, my own beauty and confidence, all of these things could use growth in 2007. So my only resolution for this year is to make as many decisions as I can that will create positive growth.

To all of you who are reading this, I wish you the most happy and prosperous new year you can imagine. I also ask you what your own theme might be for this fresh new year? What do you intend?

xo

P.S. If you are looking for a real way to make a positive resolution or two, read this ass-kicking post by Felicia. She constantly inspires me to look at the way I am living differently and today is no exception.

ponderings before flying

If I was to have a theme song for the past little while it would have been, "Leaving on a Jet Plane" by John Denver. I'm off at 5:00am tomorrow morning for another journey across the pond. I am not complaining one bit but holy cow, I have only just gotten over the cold I got from the LAST plane I was on!

I woke up this morning feeling a bit worse for wear. It's been a hectic couple of weeks (as it has been for everyone everywhere) and I woke up feeling grouchy and tired so I decided to go for a walk. I wish with all of my heart I could transport some of you who I know read this to walk on my beach with me on a sunny winter morning. It was incredible. I had it all to myself and the tide was going out so the beach grew as I walked along it. There were some seagulls enjoying a breakfast and a bath at the edge of the sea and I wandered along searching for sea glass (the quest continues for a piece that is red) and just breathing.

Sometimes I like to be reminded of the time-fullness of the world I live in. As I walked I glanced up at the cliffs behind the beach. About three quarters of the way up there is a line of white that is made up of shells and stones. Uncountable years ago that was the sea bed. Talk about perspective! I looked up at the headland that you can see in the photo. At the top there is the remains of what was probably an iron age fort. A little farther along there are rings in the grass where settlements once were. Walking on the beach this morning made me and all of the grumpy problems that brought me outside shrink back down to know our place. I am a small, small part of the history of this place. It will be going long after I am gone. I love that.

So tomorrow I am off to the land of maple syrup and moose! My ipod is charged and full, my suitcase is packed with clothes and goodies, my hair has been cut, my parents know the flight details and at 4:00am the alarm will go off to begin the journey. I'm going to get to see some people that I haven't seen in years. I'm so excited. I feel like the stress of the past few weeks is all worth it now! So the next time I post it will be from my homeland. Keep a happy flight thought for me and I'll see you in a different time zone!

a whole lot o' ho-ho!

So yesterday was 'Meg's Christmas!' Seriously. Because I am going to be in Canada for Christmas I had it with Mark and his family while I am still here! We went out for a divine lunch at a pub and then we came home and ate baklava and mince pies and drank what was left of the Canadian Ice Wine with Brandy that we brought back last year. I also got to open all of my presents! It was a little bizarre because I was the only one opening presents as they are all waiting for the actual day to open theirs - so I was a superstar! It was awkward. But it's also kind of neat getting pressies before the day.

I was lucky enough to get Danny Gregory's book from Mark's sister and brother-in-law! I've been deeply intimidated by his talent and his website for ages so when I saw that he had a book that could teach ME how to get drawing I stalked it for a little while. Every time I was in a bookstore I looked for it and then would put it back and run away to the safety of the self-help/ motivation section. So I had to get someone else to buy it for me so I wouldn't be afraid of it anymore. I am happy to say that it worked!

I read twelve pages last night before bed. (I had to sleep, I started a four-day First Aid course this morning. It meant a 6:00am start. Ugh.) I felt a familiar fizzle in my creative core as I took it in. I have felt that feeling before - the first time I read Spilling Open by Sabrina Ward Harrison and the first time I read Inspiration Sandwich by Sark, and a few other times - like the universe had shifted a little and I could actually sense my own possibilities changing. My very favorite page so far was page 5. When I read, "Pure creativity is all around us" I shivered with excitement for the rest. In a week I will be going home again and I am excited about the train- train- airport- plane journey because it is just going to be me and this book. Just wait - you won't believe what I come out with!

I've been asked what sort of things I write. I'll admit to something here: I really don't write any one thing. I have written a fantasy novel, a young adult novel, a non-fiction book about living a real life, and I have six books haunting me - three non fiction, and three fiction. So I write a little of everything. I can't seem to write anything short that is fictional. And now I am opening up another creative window - or at least I hope to!

I'm off to read some more of this book and to relax in a bath (I'm frozen after a day being nervous in First Aid! If anyone has access to a 'Lush' store - try a bath with BOTH a Black Pearl and a Jingle Spells bath ballistic in it - pure, complete and total BLISS!) I'm hoping to come back a little more talented just from pure osmosis!!

"Do you dare to be creative?" - Danny Gregory

It's here! It's here!

A Happiest of Holidays to YOU!!!

It's time! It's happening! It's sleigh bells and reindeer and children with big eyes and decorations and cookies and stockings and gatherings and glitter and tinsel and bows and trees and magic and did I already mention cookies...?

I love Christmas. I love Christmas so much that I get like a little child when it begins. When I was younger I used to decorate my bedroom door with wrapping paper. I love wandering the streets as it gets dark, warm beverage in one hand, shopping bags in the other, watching the lights twinkle. I am blessed to be a part of a large family so I love the excitement of going to someone's house and being together for dinner.

A few years ago I was stricken with a very serious case of Mono at the beginning of December. (That's Glandular Fever to those of you from this side of the pond!) I came home from the doctor's, got on the couch and stayed there pretty much until the end of February. When you are bedridden in December in North America you watch a lot of Christmas specials! I watched "Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer," and "The Year Without a Santa Claus," and "The Grinch Who Stole Christmas," and "The Muppet Christmas Carol," and many, many, many more. It wasn't long before I realized that every single one of them had the same message: keep Christmas in your heart all year long.

It makes me sad to hear that there are people who don't like Christmas. They cite the pressure and the commercialism and many other reasons. I feel like giving the whole world a little shake. Whether or not you believe in Christ or the Nativity or even in Santa, I think that there is something to be learned in this season: be nice to each other, take care of each other, spoil each other a little. The Muppets sing that "wherever you find love you will find Christmas," and I believe them. So I hope that in the next few weeks you will find some peace and goodwill towards men (and women) along with your twinkle lights and shortbread.

Ho - Ho - Ho!

What a MONTH!!

"Long have you timidly waded holding a plank by the shore, now I will you to be a bold swimmer, to jump off into the midst of the sea, rise again, nod to me, shout! and laughingly dash with your hair." - Walt Whitman

I think that in the future I will look back at November of 2006 as a point where my life really changed. What a month I have had. This morning I sat and read through Michelle's lovely post about her creative dreams and I became nearly frozen in a deep reverie. I feel so different now. I left blogging for a month hoping to sit at this computer and work my ass off. I hoped to get big leaps towards one of my dreams. I hoped that by today things would be different. BOY are they - but not in the way that I'd thought.

At the beginning of the month I went to Seattle. I came back from that reeling with potential and connection and friendship. I came home ready to get on with the business of writing. Then two weekends ago my Grandmother died. Within 24 hours Mark and I were on our way to Heathrow airport and a day and a half later I was at her funeral. I held my niece (and Goddaughter!) on my lap through much of the service, and was held in the tight circle of my family. My Grandmother would have been proud. Both she and my Grandfather gave us all the gift of knowing how important family is. She was an incredibly - almost unbelievably - positive person. I learned a lot from her and I will probably write more about her in the future. In the meantime, we've lost her and she will be deeply, deeply missed.

Between these two trans-Atlantic journeys I have been working and sick in nearly equal amounts. I seem to stumble between the deep desire to sit on the couch watching television and spending hours at my desk spilling my ideas and desires onto the page. It seems deeply unfair to me that I am so inspired and so snotty at the same time. I feel tingles in my writing fingers. I feel like there aren't enough hours in the day to do all of the reading/ writing/ journaling/ creating/ connecting I want to do, but by the time I come home from work all my body wants to do is curl up in a ball and be sick. As I write this I wonder how to look at the illness as a part of my metamorphosis... but maybe it's the cold medicine talking.

I used to wonder if I would ever get where I wanted to be. I think this month, more than any other time in my life, has let me see clearly where that actually IS. I have a vision of what I want my life to look like and what I want to look back on and be proud of when it is over. I know two things now that I didn't really know then. I know that the only thing holding me back from everything I want is me. And I know that I am not alone on this journey. I thought I knew all of that before. But now, thanks to the lessons of this past November, I think I might actually understand it too.

"I may not have gone where I intended to go, but I think I have ended up where I intended to be." - Douglas Adams.

Seattle

WARNING: this is a big post - almost as big as a Portland Pancake!!

Okay, I know that I said that I wasn't going to post until Dec. 1, but I couldn't let the week I just had go by without some mention.

If you take a media studies course they will often tell you that when it is raining in a movie it means that a profound change is taking place. Well it poured in Seattle last week and I indeed came home deeply altered.

I have been reading the posts that some of the other women I shared this journey with have written and have cried a little bit more each time I have read them. What a weekend. I am a bit aware of the weirdness of sharing such an intense and personal time on such a public forum, but I need to say this: Several months ago I was reading about another group of women and another gathering that happened. I was so happy for them and also jealous of their connection. Within a few days I started my own blog and my own journey. It has been an incredible adventure.

I went to Seattle hoping that I would make some friends and that we would be able to help each other along our various paths. What I received was so much more than that. We watched each other open and grow and ache in many ways. We cried and we laughed and we fought and we struggled and we listened and we danced and with each moment the bonds between us grew and deepened. It wasn't easy and at times it wasn't fun, but the result is time and friendships that have changed me for the better. I feel so honoured and blessed to have been a companion and a witness on this journey that we are all on. (And yes - they are as gorgeous and creative and brilliant and charming and full of life and fiesty as they seem on their blogs - more so even!)

But my trip didn't end there!! On Sunday night Liz and I went to see the Indigo Girls in concert. (Sigh!!) I truly have loved them since I was 15. Every time I listen to them I have the experience of a certain line or lines speaking directly to who I am right then. This time was no exception. I sang right along with them as loud as my tired voice would allow and I am sure that if you were to have seen me you would have seen that my face was shining as I thought about my soul sisters.

And then the week was still not over!! On Monday Liz and I got back in the car and drove to Portland to hang out with Alexandra and Laini!! Alexandra and Laini (along with Jamie and Claudia) were my very first blogging friends. We connected right away and I have loved them since our very first email. Soon after that Laini and I started Sunday Scribblings together so it was absolutely wonderful wonderful to meet them in person! We went out for sushi and then hung out in Laini and Jim's house (which is amazing - it oozes creativity and inspiration and magic from every corner!) then the next day we went out for the biggest pancakes I have ever seen (They were bigger than the plates! I picked chocolate chip - MMMmmmm MMmmm!!!) and then they took me to the mother ship: Powell's City of Books. (a whole city block and four floors of BOOKS - new and used mixed up together!!!) I walked around it feeling overwhelmed. I needed six hours and another pancake to have done it justice! WOW. (And yes - Laini and Alexandra and Jim are all even more wonderful and fiesty and creative and gorgeous and full of life as they are in their blogs!)

So here I sit. I am back home, incredibly exhausted, but filled with the joys and the memories of an entire week of incredible connection. I was so nervous to meet these people but there was never any weirdness with any of them. As soon as our grins met we were chatting like old friends. I miss them all deeply. I feel strange - like there is a hole in my heart because I am missing them so much, but at the same time my heart feels more full because I know that they are in my life. I felt them all today as I went about my job - like an invisible force field of cheerleaders and defenders - not present in body but there nonetheless.

You have altered me, my friends. I promise to be braver and more creative and fiercer in my dream chasing. Thank you.

(This photo was taken by Thea. They all scolded me for having so few pictures of myself on my blog so I am starting with a small picture that is all me!!)

And now I mean it - no more posts again until December first. I have a dream to chase.

I've got to get some work done!

"I don’t know what inspiration is, but if and when it comes, I hope it finds me working…" - Pablo Picasso

Well, to make a long story short - I DID IT!!! It was truly the hardest thing I have ever done. I did it in a very slow 3 hours and 11 minutes. I have been hobbling around ever since, but I have the medal and the t-shirt and I can now say that I have done a half-marathon! YAY! (and the very best part is that it is done!)

A strange thing happened to me as I made my way along the course of the race. After running a few miles and then stopping for a 'comfort break' I found myself towards the back of the crowd. I am not really an athlete, and I often needed to stop and walk. At around mile 7 I started paying attention to what was going through my head. (I had to pay attention to something other than my screaming hips!) I was shocked by how negative my thoughts were. All that was going through my head was how I wasn't going fast enough or how I wasn't running enough or that I was going to be the last person to cross the line. I was worried that the people along the route were judging me because I wasn't going quickly enough. Finally I forced through my head that I was DOING A HALF-MARATHON and that I needed to be proud of myself. The whole process really showed me how I think and how I need to change the way that I speak to myself. Lots of lessons learned.

I also have realized in the past few weeks that I have been stretching myself too thin. I have so much that I want to do and need to do that I haven't been doing any of it. I realized that in order to make my dream of a book-lined writing room a reality I need to get myself focused. We are getting close to getting our website up and running but I have been shamefully neglecting my portion of the work. Right now that is the work that needs to take priority in my life. So I have made a difficult decision. I am taking a blogging break. Actually I am taking a writing break. No writing allowed that isn't website-related. I hope that this means that I will be able to come back to writing and blogging refreshed and energized and ready to get this chick's words published!

So I am taking a blogging break until December 1. Between now and then I am going to turn 32 (on October 25th,) go on a journey to the States to meet some incredible women, see the Indigo Girls in concert, start a new part of my job, and hopefully get a large amount done. So I'll have lots of stories to tell, and I'll be looking forward to catching up on yours.

Keep safe and well, take care of you and I will see you in just over a month. (I should be walking normally by then...)

xo

If I could stop time.

This week's Sunday Scribbling's prompt is: "If I could stop time." This is so incredibly topical for me right now. OH, if I could stop time I would use my power to freeze everyone else so that I could have several more months of training for the half-marathon I am attempting on Sunday. I would stop time in Canada so that my wee niece (and Goddaughter!!) wouldn't grow up any more while we are away. I would stop time so that we could get our website sorted out before Google spends all of its money on other people's wacky ideas.

If I could stop time I would spend an eternity on a canoe trip with my family. I would write all of the books that are lining the drawers of my brain and then start time again so that I could be one of those phenom writers who can put a book out once a year. To be honest I would try very hard to accomplish everything I could towards my new years resolutions. Because you know, it's nearly that time again and I haven't quite got there. Like Bill Murray towards the end of Groundhog Day I would learn as much as I could and fill myself with skills and talents. I could learn Italian and Dutch, and teach myself to knit and I'd lose weight and I could figure out how to write a million-dollar screenplay.

I'd spend as much time with the people I love as I possibly could.

The second part of Sunday Scribblings was if you could choose any superpower out of the basket what would it be? That's a tough one if you get too deeply involved in the process. My gut instinct is that I would fly. That one is obvious as it would save me a blooming fortune on airfare. As for a fighting-evil superpower, I really enjoyed Elastagirl's powers in the Incredibles. That would be handy no matter what you were doing.

Okay, so please please send us your positive vibes this weekend. Mark and I are running (I use that term loosely when it comes to me!) the Cardiff Half Marathon this Sunday morning. I am so nervous I feel sick. I have knee braces (sexy!) and Powerade and a fully charged, fully loaded ipod. All I need now is some courage and Divine help. I'll be back Monday (hopefully) to tell you how it went.

I miss...

The last few times I have posted I have done it with a lump forming in my throat. It's not that I am sad, or even very unhappy, it's more that I have felt like I was lying a little bit. I've been trying to write about other things when all I want to say is how much I am missing at home. I'm actually boring myself going on about how homesick I am, so I am going to get it all out right here, right now.

I keep getting home 'flashes.' I'll be going about my day and I will suddenly get a vivid picture in my head of somewhere in Canada. It's unusual for me because I have real problems with visualization. If you asked me to picture somewhere in my head, I can't do it. I can feel a place, smell a place, or know a place but I can't make a visual image in my brain. But it's that brain that seems to be determined to make me 'see' home.

Last week I had a flash of a sushi restaurant I have been to a few times with my friend Karen. I was absolutely there for a moment. Other times it has been the intersection at Lansdowne street, my Mom's office, a bookstore, a coffee shop. I will be there for a moment and then I'll be back here again, filled with longing for home and sad that I can't capture that moment again on my own. I wish I could figure out what my brain is doing to me.

So please humour me while I make a list - a partial list - of the things and places that I am thinking of and missing. I'm not putting many people in it because then I'll cry and that won't be productive at all.

* a Tim Horton's 'everything' bagel with herb and garlic cream cheese
* driving through Peterborough and going to Chapters (and the attached Starbuck's)
* the fall colours that I know are happening
* my niece who is being Christened next weekend in the dress that I was Christened in
* Thanksgiving this weekend & the big family dinner
* anything and everything cooked by my Mom (today my hankering is for a Dutch dish I can't pronounce on here involving mashed potatoes and huge meatballs!)
* the feeling of space around you
* a coffee shop on every single corner of every single road
* convenience stores (yes, it's a weird thing to miss but I do.)
* sushi with friends
* fitting in (not being asked, "So where are you from?")
* shopping malls - big ones (is that shallow?)
* my family & friends (and several babies of friends who are growing up quickly!)
* Wendy's hamburgers
* my VERY favorite band is playing in concert in Toronto in October. (amended later - I might get to see them afterall somewhere else!)
* having breakfast with my parents
* time alone in office supply stores (we live in a very small village here!)
* t.v. series that start in October and finish in the spring
* a restaurant in Peterborough called, "Hot Belly Mama's" that makes the best sweet potato french fries!
* my books - although I am slowly ferreting the collection over here it's still pretty massive over there
* the slightly northern southern Ontario landscape
* trees

There's lots more but I will leave it there. I don't want to sound like I don't like it here, because I do - I'm just missing where I am from.

Sunday Scribblings - Skin

This week's Sunday Scribblings prompt is 'Skin.' I was sitting last night trying to decide what I was going to write and I was really struggling. I thought about writing about my favorite skin and how warm it is and how it smells, but I got quite shy and nervous. So I started thinking about my own skin and what a problematic relationship we have.

"Skin: The skin is the body's outer covering. It protects us against heat and light, injury, and infection. It regulates body temperature and stores water, fat, and vitamin D. Weighing about 6 pounds, the skin is the body's largest organ. It is made up of two main layers; the outer epidermis and the inner dermis."

When I stop and think about my skin I think about how unhappy I sometimes am in it. It is the outer layer of a body that I have felt disconnected with for some time. When I stop and take a look at it I can see that it has its own personality. I have lots of moles, a tattoo, and a number of scars. If I don't sleep well I get wrinkles beside my mouth. If I don't eat well or if I have peanuts or milk I get bad eczema on my hands. I burn pretty easily across my nose and I have a funny bump under my skin on my back.

And yet up until now I haven't loved it for its quirkiness. Instead of seeing it as an extension of me, I've poked and prodded it. I've looked at it with distaste because of the bulges it holds. I've spent many hard-earned pounds (and dollars) on creams and lotions to keep it from wrinkling and drying out so I wouldn't look like I was aging. I've forgotten to put on sunscreen and left it to turn red and crispy in the sun. I've hated it for its fragility. I've hated it for its lack of ability to hide the fat. I've been ashamed to be seen in it in changerooms. I've become disconnected to the point that it was Mark who noticed that ten minutes after I'd eaten peanuts I had an allergic reaction. I had never paid attention.

Recently I have been trying to climb back into my skin again. I've been trying to remember to dry skin brush to help it eliminate toxins. I've been trying to have the time to moisturize straight out of the shower. I've been trying to stop eating things that my skin clearly doesn't like. I've been trying to be happier naked, to pay attention to the moles and the texture and the feeling of my skin. I've found that if you do pay close attention, your skin is talking to you all of the time. It's telling you the state of your insides, whether you understand the language or not. I'm trying to listen. I'm trying to be a gentle owner. It's been very forgiving so far. I'd like to begin to return the favour.

"My whole life, I've wanted to feel comfortable in my skin. It's the most liberating thing in the world." - Drew Barrymore

Poetry Thursday

I haven't posted for Poetry Thursday for ages, but there has been a poem playing in my head this week. I'm not following the prompt, but this is the poem that wants me to share it today:

Birdfoot's Grampa

The old man

must have stopped our car

two dozen times to climb out

and gather into his hands

the small toads blinded

by our light and leaping,

live drops of rain.

The rain was falling,

a mist about his white hair

and I kept saying

you can't save them all,

accept it, get back in

we've got places to go.

But, leathery hands full

of wet brown life,

knee deep in the summer

roadside grass,

he just smiled and said

they have places to go, too.

by

Joseph Bruchac

is this wrong?

According to my blog counter you have not all completely given up on me. I can't believe that I haven't posted anything in a week. My excuse is that Blogger and my computer got into a fight and I couldn't open a single site for more than three days! I thought it was Blogger because I could get onto a few other unconnected blogs but as it turns out it was my browser playing funny games.

But that only excuses me from three days. I've no good excuses for the other four.

I've been working through the book, "Everything I've Ever Done That Worked" in my spare moments. (Sensational book!) The rest of the time has been spent either: a) going to/ being at/ coming home from work or b) madly scribbling notes for the SIX books that have set up camp in my brain (none of which I am writing yet, mind) or c) socializing or d) vegetating in front of the television.

It's my biggest guilt - t.v. It makes me feel guiltier than chocolate or chocolate chip cookies (my very favorite sweet thing to eat at the moment!) or not exercising or not cleaning my house or not emailing or anything. While I am watching it I enjoy the emptiness of vegetation. I need to be on the go all day long, making decisions for a number of people and making sure that everything is going well. When I get home I know that I should be sitting down at my desk and listening to the characters that are telling me their stories. I know that I could be working on our website. I could be building my own website, working on Sunday Scribblings, writing blogs, cleaning my house, spending time with my boyfriend, the list goes on and on. But sometimes I really like not doing those things too!

How many hours of people's lives are wasted in front of the t.v? Lots of it is wasted time, I know, but is any of it not wasted? Is it okay to want to know what happened to Walt (Lost) or whether or not they found the missing person (Without A Trace) or whether the Diet Doctors can sort someone out before their weight kills them? Should I feel guilty spending time being still like broccoli? Is switching off, enjoying mindless entertainment while cuddling with my beloved a very bad thing?

Does anyone else find the pressure of 'living to the fullest' exhausting?

my comfort blanket

On Saturday I spent the day in Kingsbridge. Mark's show was finishing so I went in to steward with him. As I write this I realized what a crap steward-backup I was. I was there for about five minutes and then I left him to it. I think I owe him an apology!

As I set off into town I asked my angel-book-therapist to lead me to something inspiring. I've been kind-of in a hibernatingy-homeiscky-odd mental space and I wanted some clarity. As I rarely get into town alone, I was determined to make my way up one side of the road and down the other. (Not all of these shops sell books, but I managed to bring back an absurd amount of printed material with me. I think I have a real problem.)

I started my book-browsing in the Oxfam shop. I sincerely hoped for a second-hand book of Mary Oliver's poetry (ha! no such luck) but ended up leaving with a 99p copy of Truman Capote's "Breakfast at Tiffany's," and two other enticing paperbacks. Inside one of the books I bought was a receipt that someone had used as a bookmark. I was deeply interested in this seemingly ordinary item. I think I will use its contents as a writing prompt. Other people's grocery bills say a lot about them.

From there I kept browsing. I went into every shop hoping for inspiration. I bought another book that I think will be a Christmas present, a newspaper, and a women's magazine. Despite now owning millions of words to read I was feeling despondent over my lack of an enlightening moment. Then I went into the only actual Bookstore in Kingsbridge. Silently I passed the shelves, picking up a book here and there, searching for the Oliver book, and hoping for something wonderful. I was drawn to a shelf far in the back. Sitting on the top was a small white book called, "Everything I've Ever Done that Worked" by Lesley Garner. I have only climbed three short essays into it, but I think I found the inspiration I was looking for - it's fabulous!

But I don't know how many people go to town and only come back with 5 books, one newspaper and a magazine. I have serious problems. When Mark laughed at me I said to him, "but they are like my security blanket. I don't feel right unless I have books around me." I hadn't thought about it like that before. I love the smell, the feel, the taste of books. I love the possibility, the potential, the wisdom, the worlds, the friends, the tenseness and the drama. I don't just love books, I NEED them. It's past addiction. Books as an entity in my life are as natural and necessary to me as breathing.

What would I spend my last $5.00 on? Food? No. Shelter? No. It's gotta be something to read. Is that wrong?

Sunday Scribblings

I'm finally doing a Sunday Scribbling. This week's topic is 'Google Magic.' I'm kind of ashamed to admit to you all that I am a Google addict. I am Google mad. A while ago I wrote a Sunday Scribblings post about Googling exes. I admit that I don't Google people very often, but I do Google just about everything else.

I live in two places. One is the middle of nowhere and the other is a fantasy land where I have enough money to buy whatever I want. In the last week I have used Google to look for the perfect: boots, scents, flower delivery, and flights, books of poetry, silver jewellery-making courses, and much MUCH more. I have also looked up recipes, song lyrics, quotations using the word 'audacious,' Laini's name to see if I could buy her book in the UK, what houses look like north of Lakefield, Ontario (for my book) and most recently I Googled 'Sunday Scribblings.' (It is mentioned 313,000 times!!!!!)

And so for my own health and that of my relationship I will not be doing any more Googling in the next 24 hours. But I am under no illusions that I won't be participating in my addiction again soon. I think I need help.

Words to Live By!!

"No matter how upside-down it all may temporarily appear, we will have no fear because we know this secret: Life is crazily in love with us—wildly and innocently in love with us. The universe always gives us exactly what we need, exactly when we need it." - Rob Brezsny