"Don't be afraid to want things, to yearn, crave, or lust for anything. And don't be afraid to go after what you want. If you can't satisfy yourself, then how can you expect anyone else to satisfy you?" - Cameron TuttleI have this picture pasted into my Illustrated Journal. I love it. Sometimes it is easy to think about all of the things that frighten me or make me nervous or that I think I can't do. This picture makes me remember that I have already done an awful lot of leaping off of the edge. If I can do all of those leaps, then I guess I am capable of a few more.
As a general rule I believe I am a nervous person. I am very afraid of the dark, I check travel details about a hundred times before I go anywhere. I am the BEFORE picture of the woman who wrote the poem about wearing purple when she's old. I lack faith in myself - but then I sit back sometimes and think about the things that I have done and I wonder who that girl was who got on the plane to move to the UK, and who that girl was who quit her job because it was making her so unhappy. I am a confusing combination of frightened and ballsy. It's a difficult tightrope to tiptoe!!
After some serious blog reading, long talks with various people, and some serious thinking, I had an 'a-ha' moment last night. I am scared to really WANT things. I don't know where it started and I don't care. I just want to stop it. When I was little I always used my birthday wish to wish that my Grandpa could have his hearing back in his deaf ear. I heard him tell my Mom that he wanted that more than anything else. He could hear the birds, but he couldn't tell where they were to look for them. I used that as my wish until the day he died. I never wanted to use one of my wishes for myself, because I was really afraid to - I was afraid to want something too much.
To this day when I make a wish I have to add 'please' and 'thank-you' to the end of it. I have been too scared to want anything. I have been afraid to want something so badly because of the pain when it doesn't happen. I have been afraid to want something because I thought I might jinx it. I have been afraid to want something because then I would have to do the work to get it. I was just plain afraid.
Well I have decided that I am going to start the process of coming back to WANTING again. For those of you who don't know - I sent a manuscript off to a publisher in January. I WANT that manuscript to be accepted. I WANT to be published. I WANT to get our website up and running but more than that, I WANT it to be a huge success. I WANT so much more than this - for me, for Mark, for me and Mark, for my family, for my friends. That's the trouble - when you begin to admit what it is that you really -heart- beating- down- and- dirty- bare- your- teeth- WANT, the list begins to grow and grow and grow. The list itself becomes scary. But I am going to be brave enough to begin to make that list. I am going to begin to let that clenched, nervous place in my belly loose a little. I am going to stop being so afraid.
It's okay to want things.
"... and the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful that the risk it took to blossom." - Anais Nin
P.S. I would love to know - in my comments or on your own blogs - what is it that YOU really WANT?