Tuesday, February 07, 2006

Declaration of Independence.

"If you plant corn in your garden, you shouldn't be real surprised when apples don't start to grown there."
- Tera Leigh

Last night Mark and I were watching this crazy show called "Most Haunted." Usually I am not up for this kind of television. I am a nervous watcher. (I watched fifteen minutes of DieHard last night and had nightmares about men with guns!) But this show has this guy on it that is amazing. He's the psychic & he always comes out with amazing things like names and dates and places. If he's for real, I want him to come to my fantasy dinner party!!

After he does his thing they set up night-vision cameras and all sit around in the dark waiting for the ghosts to come out and do their thing. This part of the show rarely pulls up anything interesting apart from watching adults freak each other out. Last night the whole group of them were terrified and there was chaos on the screen for a few moments. Frankly if I were a ghost I'd have left the loud humans well enough alone. Afterwards, Mark and I talked about the concept of "what you find is what you bring with you." I'm still thinking about it.

There's a scene in The Empire Strikes Back when Luke has to go into a cave and he asks Yoda what's inside. Yoda sits there poking the ground with a stick and says something to the effect of "only what you bring in with you." (But he probably says it backwards and with a nod of his green rubber head.) I wouldn't usually quote Star Wars but it's just another illustration of that same concept. It's kind of the equal but opposite to the oft-quoted, "all you have is all you need."

I'm wondering what I am taking with me. Alexandra wrote a little while ago about the bag that we drag around behind us. I often wonder why exactly I have been too afraid to lose weight, too afraid to send my writing into the world, and why I am so scared of the dark. What demons have I been carrying around, just waiting to mutter in my ear and eat away at my fragile steps forward? What would I find in Yoda's cave? Nothing. Because I would have been too afraid to go in the door!

I think I've finally realized that rather than going in and trying to throw away all of the old fears that I need to FINALLY learn the lesson that they've been trying to teach me all these years. They started out as a protection. At some point I was frightened and they cared for me. They kept me safe in a time when I felt fragile. But you know what? I'm not fragile anymore.

I'm not Fragile Anymore.

In fact, I am strong enough and capable enough to deal with anything that will come from releasing those protection fears. I can cope with rejections. I can cope with being a woman. And I can try very hard to cope with being afraid of the dark.

So I think today I will say a hearfelt and gentle "Thank-you," to those fears. I will say "Thank you for getting me this far, but I am ready to do it on my own now. I am ready to not be afraid anymore. I am ready to take some risks. I am ready to move in the direction of my goals and my dreams. You aren't invited. In fact. You're retired!"

I wonder what I would find in Yoda's cave now?


chest of drawers said...

I can tell you what you would find in Yoda´s cave...things of beauty! All your magnificent dreams of published books lined up on a shelf, a beautiful, out there, go get ém Megg! A secret garden not to be afraid of but to push you further on this amazing journey we are all on. Look how far you´ve come already. I am really proud of you!
xo Claudia

Laini Taylor said...

You can do it, Meg! SARK wrote something that has resonated a lot with Alexandra and me, about developing "a habit of completion" -- giving yourself the respect of following your goals to completion. You've written your book, and that is a mammoth accomplishment, but then the next phase is its own massive task -- seeing it to publication. Don't let yourself falter now. You can and will do it, because that is the life you want and you can make it happen!! Yay!

Katrina said...

Your comment on my blog led me here, and this was such an excellent post for me to find. Thank you for writing it!

HoBess said...

What an empowering statement to make to yourself ... A smile crossed my face as you made the type larger.

And I love the quote from Tera Leigh.

Congratulations! Not only are you brave enough to learn about yourself, but you're brave enough to share what you learn with others. ... So glad I found you at Alexandra's blog.

melba said...

Hi. Be courageous! I know it is sooo challenging to put yourself out there to publishers. Many people might not even read it and just send out a "No thank you" I am not saying this to discourage you...I want you to be strong and brave. Even though I don't even know what you write about I want you to make it because your dreams deserve to be made real. I can tell just by visiting here you are sincere.

la vie en rose said...

yeah!!!! this is just wonderful. i've never looked at fear in quite this way...it's more gentle and tender than beating yourself up for being scared. and i love your mantra! i'm not fragile!!!! yeah!! me either!!!

M said...

Well done! I found your blog through the link on Claudia's blog (I think) and I'm so happy to have found another kindred spirit! I'm addicted to blogs completely as well- I am in a dead end receptionist job (at the moment) and blogs rescue me from the monotiny everyday. They've inspired me to use my creative side more often and make me want more out of my life! You are another beautiful voice I will look forward to reading daily. (Ever think of writing a book about moving to another country?)
I too am a Canadian in love with an Englishman and we're trying to settle down in Vancouver, just waiting on his visa to come through. I'd love to hear your perspective on doing it the other way, moving over there, your likes and dislikes of being in another country, etc. I absolutely LOVE England and am so jealous of your situation, although Vancouver is pretty fabulous!
I'll stop rambling now, maybe I'll get brave enough to post on my own blog one day soon...keep writing and sharing and loving and living. Your dark cave would be filled with inspiring words for others...

Jamie said...

I can't wait to hear what you find in Yoda's cave!

Your post just made me want to stand up and go "YEAH!" with my hands up in the air!

Look at the impact your writing is having already! I can't wait to see what will happen when millions line up to purchase your book!

Alexandra S said...

Getting to know you through your writings is such a huge blessing to me. You are inspiring me every day with these sacred posts of yours...That about sums it up! You're amazing!

The Silent K said...

I don't really have anything to add- but I heat what you are saying here and I think it's awesome.

You have a Canadian cheer-leader in me!

felicia said...

I love this title, Emma. I'm Not Fragile Anymore :)
Cheers, f.

Frankie said...

What a FANTASTIC post Megg! I was just thinking about this very thing, about summoning up the courage to release my fears...We can do it together! What strength and courage it took to write them all here, and I think that's the most important first step. I love everything that you write, it gives me such inspiration and joy, and I'm so glad for the gifts that are you and your blog. Thank you.