Declaration of Independence.

"If you plant corn in your garden, you shouldn't be real surprised when apples don't start to grown there." - Tera Leigh

Last night Mark and I were watching this crazy show called "Most Haunted." Usually I am not up for this kind of television. I am a nervous watcher. (I watched fifteen minutes of DieHard last night and had nightmares about men with guns!) But this show has this guy on it that is amazing. He's the psychic & he always comes out with amazing things like names and dates and places. If he's for real, I want him to come to my fantasy dinner party!!

After he does his thing they set up night-vision cameras and all sit around in the dark waiting for the ghosts to come out and do their thing. This part of the show rarely pulls up anything interesting apart from watching adults freak each other out. Last night the whole group of them were terrified and there was chaos on the screen for a few moments. Frankly if I were a ghost I'd have left the loud humans well enough alone. Afterwards, Mark and I talked about the concept of "what you find is what you bring with you." I'm still thinking about it.

There's a scene in The Empire Strikes Back when Luke has to go into a cave and he asks Yoda what's inside. Yoda sits there poking the ground with a stick and says something to the effect of "only what you bring in with you." (But he probably says it backwards and with a nod of his green rubber head.) I wouldn't usually quote Star Wars but it's just another illustration of that same concept. It's kind of the equal but opposite to the oft-quoted, "all you have is all you need."

I'm wondering what I am taking with me. Alexandra wrote a little while ago about the bag that we drag around behind us. I often wonder why exactly I have been too afraid to lose weight, too afraid to send my writing into the world, and why I am so scared of the dark. What demons have I been carrying around, just waiting to mutter in my ear and eat away at my fragile steps forward? What would I find in Yoda's cave? Nothing. Because I would have been too afraid to go in the door!

I think I've finally realized that rather than going in and trying to throw away all of the old fears that I need to FINALLY learn the lesson that they've been trying to teach me all these years. They started out as a protection. At some point I was frightened and they cared for me. They kept me safe in a time when I felt fragile. But you know what? I'm not fragile anymore.

I'm not Fragile Anymore.

In fact, I am strong enough and capable enough to deal with anything that will come from releasing those protection fears. I can cope with rejections. I can cope with being a woman. And I can try very hard to cope with being afraid of the dark.

So I think today I will say a hearfelt and gentle "Thank-you," to those fears. I will say "Thank you for getting me this far, but I am ready to do it on my own now. I am ready to not be afraid anymore. I am ready to take some risks. I am ready to move in the direction of my goals and my dreams. You aren't invited. In fact. You're retired!"

I wonder what I would find in Yoda's cave now?