what now?

"You are desperate to communicate, to edify or entertain, to preserve moments of grace or joy or transcendence, to make real or imagined events come alive. But you cannot will this to happen. It is a matter of persistence and faith and hard work. So you might as well just go ahead and get started." - Anne Lamott


For a long time I wasn't writing. I now know it was because of two things:

1. I had written two books and they were sitting there telling me that they weren't really finished and they weren't good enough for publication yet, but I couldn't very well start anything else until I had DONE SOMETHING with them.

2. I wasn't a 'good enough' writer to follow some of the creative ideas I had, and since I wasn't good enough, writing was a waste of time.

So for years I would scribble notes to myself on pieces of paper. Characters would come into my brain and I would write their whispers down. Plot lines or first lines or even closing sentences would seep through, I would hear them, notice them, and write them down. Old school notebooks hold many treasures scribbled in margins. I will often open a book from my collection and find a tiny scrap of paper with a note to myself. The scary thing is that even years later I know exactly what I meant by '2 days on a bus.' I remember the whole story, the whole concept, and where I wanted to go with it. But I never did anything with any of those ideas.

Last year I finally DID get one of the novels out and finish it. I finally used all of the scrap paper scribbles I had made about the story and I finally summoned up the courage to send the thing off. The only problem was that by finishing something, by telling my inner voices that I could do it, I opened up a floodgate that I was not prepared for. All of the ideas that I had ever put off or ignored or tried to forget came back to me in a loud tangle. I found myself scribbling more notes to myself, getting out of bed to look for a note that I was pretty sure was filed somewhere, and putting off actually writing anything all over again.

I've never been struck with writer's block, I get stuck with writer's paralysis. I have three ideas right now for books, a website to work on and an intense urge to paint something. I am frozen in place, seeing all of the things that I want to do surrounding me and not knowing how to prioritize, how to get something done, and even how to start. I know I have to do the website, so it is getting some of my attention, but not the attention it deserves because I am wrapped up with the wanting to be doing something else.

So where do I go from here? How do I break the paralysis? How do I gather the courage to start something even though I don't know that I am good enough to finish it? How do I silence the voices that tell me that it is just a waste of time? How do I decide which direction to go, which pen to pick up, which scrap of paper to read? Does everyone else have this much trouble? I know it's about showing up at the page. But I am here. I am sitting at my desk, surrounded by beginnings. I've showed up. Where do I go from here?

"Even if you are on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there." - Will Rogers