Our walk together.

"I still find each day too short for all the thoughts I want to think, all the walks I want to take, all the books I want to read, and all the friends I want to see." - John Burroughs

I took you for a walk today. I know I haven't been blogging very much. Working in a museum means that when everyone else is off work, we work our behinds off. Easter is especially busy and this week the weather has been gorgeous so we've been filled to the brim and I have been too tired at the end of the day to do much more than eat dinner and sit on the couch.

Last night I decided that I needed to restore perspective, so this morning I walked to work. It's about an hour and forty-five minutes walking across fields and along cliffs. The first half is uphill, but it's worth it for the views (and the last half, which is downhill!!) I thought about you along the way. I wondered how you were and I whispered prayers for your health and happiness to the wind.

I left my house at 7:15. Being out that early in the morning always reminds me of my days working at summer camp. Mornings feel different when you spend most of your day outside and you have to walk along a leafy trail to have your breakfast. So I started my walk thinking of summers past. I sent love and happy thoughts to the women who have been my friends for more than half of my life. (And I wondered about Gerb - the one of them who is supposed to be having twins right about now!)

I passed through my village (the second photo) and enjoyed having the beach to myself. As I climbed the cliffs, it suddenly became cloudy and the world became slightly silver as the sun continued to rise. I sent love and blessings to my tribe and my dear blogging friends and web-partner. They are all going through such intense changes and growth. From so far away, all I can do to be supportive is to love them and hold them tightly in my heart.

As I climbed higher, more faces and names tumbled through my head. I was suddenly hit by a deep feeling of loneliness. I felt lost for a few minutes. Most of the people who I love are so far away from me here. There is a vast sea separating me from my support system and sometimes I feel it like an icy grip on my heart. As I turned to look in the direction of North America, I found myself not alone at all! Seeing these three faces looking at me quizzically made me laugh out loud. Even that sound didn't frighten them. They watched me like this until I was nearly out of sight.

In many places on the path there are remnants and layers of history. There are walls that tumble off of cliffs and pillars in the middle of nowhere. Everywhere you walk, someone else has been there before. It makes me think of my Dad. The last time he was here he was fascinated by all of this. I long to have he and my Mom here to show them around. They are coming in July and I am already excited about taking them everywhere. Now if I could just get my brother and his wife and my niece over here... suggestions?

As I came down the last stretch of the path, the sun came through the clouds. "Wedding Day" by Rosie Thomas was playing on my ipod, and this was the view I was blessed with. I felt replenished and refocused and centered again. I had been lonely, but never alone on my journey. You were all there. Thank you so much for coming with me. Did you notice?

Where did you walk today?

"May the Bird of Paradise Fly up Your Nose!"

So I had a lovely sentimental email all written in my head today. Lots of people I know are going through serious, sad and scary stuff. As a result of this and of my own dissatisfaction, I am feeling quite a tenseness in my throat and chest. I think that this means that I am not expressing how I am feeling properly. (All of my emotions get stuck in my digestive system, whether that be my stomach or my throat.) So I had a deep think about what I wanted to say and I decided I would write it when I got home tonight.

But then things changed.

All day today I have had ridiculous songs in my head. It began with an irate customer giving me grief. Usually I can remain calm as I 'fix it.' Today I was getting frustrated and out of nowhere I heard the chorus of an old song fill my head. As the man walked away I distinctly heard, "May the bird of paradise fly up your nose!"

Now usually I try very hard to make sure I have positive feelings for people. Most of the time at work I can find the calm center of a situation and use that to diffuse it. But today I was on the edge. I could feel my tenseness growing. But then there it was. A voice in my head. It saved my day and the unexpected ridiculousness of it made me grin from ear to ear.

So I cannot fix your problems or heal your sadness, but I can tell you what helped me a little today. When someone bothers you or angers you or frustrates you, try smiling at them and letting your eyes sparkle a little. Silently wish them well and then sing a little ditty at them in your head. It goes like this: "May the bird of paradise fly up your nose!"

I guarantee you'll feel better.

(May the Bird of Paradise Fly Up Your Nose) - Lyrics

... and I'll write my sentimental post very soon, I promise.

A little love and kindness...

This is just a quick note to ask that you share some love and support and kindness with two dear friends of mine. Susannah and Thea are both going through an incredibly difficult time right now. If you have a moment, please stop by their sites and give them a few kind words. I know that they will appreciate them.

XO

March Adventures

"Everything we do counts." - Caroline Myss

Hello there - no, I am not dead, nor have I fallen off of the face of the earth and unfortunately I can't say that I have spent the past month typing my fingers to the bone as my last post would have you believe. I have been writing and I have a beautiful outline written and various scenes and parts of my new book almost totally flushed out. I have felt slightly possessed in my writing this time. It's slightly cliched to say so but I truly feel like this book is being whispered in my ear. I find whole scenes and parts arriving on paper in front of me as quickly as my pencil will go. It's frustrating that this has also been one of the busiest and most stressful times I have ever had at work. But luckily this book wants to be written. It is coming to me whether I sit down to write it or not.

Other than this, Mark and I have also been on a few adventures this month! We spent a lovely day in Exeter and stopped off on the way there at an antiques and architectural reclamation yard. I am completely in love with a huge iron gate that they have for sale and I needed to go and take a sneaky photograph. (If you look on their website under 'Gates at Toby's, it's the Jungle gate.) The place is just teeming with incredible treasures: doors and fireplaces and huge old bathtubs, art deco tiles, and a jumble of miscellaneous strange items. They used to have a huge statue of a witch that I absolutely loved. You can't see it properly in this photograph but right now they have a pair of enormous dog statues for sale that clearly used to sit on either side of the driveway of a stately home. Amazing.

We also went out for lunch with Mark's family to a hotel called Lewtrenchard. I had never been somewhere where the waiters put your napkin on your lap for you before!! On our way home we decided to work off our rich lunch by climbing to visit Brentor church. Half-way up we met a lovely couple coming down. She told us that they had been wanting to climb up to the church for years but had never had time. Now, at 87, she had finally climbed all of the way to the top - and she was in heels!

And as if all of those adventures weren't enough, on Saturday I met an angel! I have been stewing in my own juices a little bit lately and I decided to go out for a walk. I usually go over the cliffs and down to a big beach near us, but on Saturday I was nearly over the cliffs when I felt really drawn back along a different path.

It was low tide so I was able to walk straight across the smaller beach. I was alone except for an elderly man and his dog. As our paths crossed he greeted me and drew my attention to a pair of nesting seagulls. His dog jumped up to greet me and the man told me that the dog's name was Lucky. We stood and talked for a few minutes about the day and about some other things he had seen on the beach. Then he smiled and called Lucky to follow him. I smiled back, feeling happier than I have felt in ages. As I walked away I realized that I could see Lucky's footprints on the beach but none from the man. There was one other set walking in the same direction as my own but none coming towards me. Could he have been an angel? I sure hope so!

Whew! So now we're caught up! I'll try to be here more often now that my world has calmed a little. And how have you been?

Well, it worked!!!

First off, I am sorry that I did not come back and fill you in on how my 21 Day Challenge ended, but that's because it ended with a flash of inspiration! During the last week or so of my challenge the universe began sending me 'prep' signals. (The kind of signs that you don't notice you are getting until you put them all together at the end.) And then a few days ago I had a jolt of inspiration and I started writing. The result of that jolt was that I haven't been able to think about anything else. I have become an anti-social, non-blogging obsessive and I am thrilled about it!

I am a firm believer in fate. I can trace my trip towards my relationship with Mark back through time as far as age 12. Seriously. I can point to decisions I made and relationships I had as stepping stones on the journey. It has really put nights of tears in perspective when I can see now that at the time they were vital to my journey. I have come to believe that every single choice we make is important - either to our own journey or to someone else's. The web that connects us staggers me.

But sometimes, I forget - often, in fact - and I get caught up in the day to day struggles and tears that can fog your perspective on life. I have been caught there lately. I have been making the same choices and the same mistakes over and over, questioning my future and running into the same wall like some sort-of forgotten wind-up toy. Luckily the universe never stops reminding us. It never stops giving us signs and signals if we can just learn to read and notice them.

Shortly before going to Bath I picked up 'The Red Book,' by Sera Beak again for a proper read. I have been savoring it slowly, taking the time to actually do some of the things that she suggests. Slowing down with a daily meditation has been so good for me. I have started paying attention again. When we went to the Roman Baths I was enchanted by the face that had once graced the top of the temple (the picture above.) I don't know who he was supposed to be, but he really captured me. If you look you can see that he has wings tangled in his hair. I am a sucker for secret wings.

So I started paying attention. Things began speaking to me and I remembered them or jotted them down. I didn't see why I was so taken with the image of the goddess Minerva. I didn't see why I was so drawn to another book, or why a story I had remembered from my childhood kept ringing in my ears. Then I was reading another part of 'The Red Book' and this sentence leaped off of the page at me: "And remember, it's not always about the choice you make but, rather, the reasons behind that choice." (pg 115) Suddenly, lightning struck. The pieces fell into place, and I was off.

So, dear readers, I am sorry if I am not here very often, but I am finally writing again and I don't want to stop while it wants to be written. It's making me tingle. It's making me feel nervous - like I shouldn't be the one to write this - and I know that that is a good sign. There is energy there, sizzling away under my fingers and out into the universe. Mark told me last night that I needed to make sure I wrote from my heart and not my head, and he's right. For the first time in a long time it is my heart that is winning the race to get words out. So I don't want to do anything but write them down.

"... when you play small, you are, in essence, denying the divine's grandness." - Sera Beak

Where I've been.

I have spent most of the last week in the city of Bath. I started out there for a conference for work, and then Mark came up and met me for a day of playing in the city. The best part of my conference was the view from the hotel (first picture!) That tells you how much I enjoyed the conference!! During most of the sessions I sat there feeling the urge to leap up, toss my papers in the air and run screaming out of the room. I just couldn't summon up the enthusiasm and energy that all of the 'lifers' seemed to have. I just didn't care about any of the things that they were talking about!

With the conference over, Mark came and met me and we moved to an even nicer hotel. We walked around Bath in the evening, stopping for dinner at my favorite restaurant!! We both really love it there - freshly cooked noodle dishes with lots of vegetables and spicy sauces. Sigh... MmmmmmMmmm. Being in a city was good!

The next day we braved the scattered showers and wandered around Bath. I bought chocolate chip cookies (bliss!! It's difficult to find the perfect chocolate chip cookie here.) And we bought yummy wine in Waitrose, had coffee, shopped in all of the unusual shops, drooled over many things, and enjoyed being together and dreaming of living in one of the stunning townhouses. Bath is beautiful and charming and absolutely teeming with history and stories and things to see and do. I am afraid we rather fell in love with it.

This picture is of the Abbey. It's set in a funny area with lots of expensive shops. (Olives for £8.50???) We didn't have time to go in this time because we spent the next hour going through the actual baths. Sometimes I can be a bit of a nightmare in these places because I get so bored of the commentary but this time they had groovy headsets that you wore and in several places there was commentary by Bill Bryson! It was neat to hear a different sort of thought on things.

I love the next picture of Mark looking at the Great Bath. It's overwhelming to look up from here and see the Abbey in the background. It's one of those places in the UK where you can really see the layers of history. How could these ancient ruins have been lost for hundreds of years when they lay so close to the church? The baths were originally a temple to the goddess Minerva. What was it about that spot that prompted generations of people to want to worship there? Standing on the stones where Roman feet once walked and looking up at such beautiful architecture made me feel very very small. It also makes you wonder what other treasures are still buried under the modern cities and houses that exist today.

We spent the last part of the afternoon with a good friend of Mark's family. He lives very near a huge safari park. Unfortunately we got there too late to go in and see any of the animals, so we will have to go another time closer to the summer season. I am completely charmed by animals. I get a bit sparkley-eyed and giddy when I even think I am going to get to see something exotic. We snuck into a back entrance and saw a few Wallabies but nobody else was around.

Coming from Canada I am used to having birds outside of our kitchen window. In the summer we have hummingbirds and in the winter there are chickadees. But just look what was sitting outside of the kitchen window when we were visiting yesterday!! It was a perfect end to my week!


P.S. I had a lot to say today so I will save the detox foot patch stories for Monday!!

See you soon!

Strange things happen when you move to change the way you do things! Since declaring my 21 Day Challenge I have had a strange bout of the flu, more social engagements than before, and a whole weekend of my internet being down. But I also have had a charming email from an author I admire, time for some really deep work on my intentions, and some really clean feet!

I am off now on a four-day conference for work. When I come back next weekend I'll bring pictures of the lovely city of Bath, I'll tell you about the detox foot patch that changed everything, and I'll let you know if I've stayed on track. Have a wonderful week and I will see you soon!

xo

As the Days Go By

"When sleeping women wake, mountains move." - Chinese Proverb

As I have been moving through my 21 Day Challenge I have felt an incredible array of emotions. Yesterday I was feeling so unhappy with myself and my ability to follow through with decisions and dreams that I was in the kind of tears that don't feel like they are ever going to stop. After a long talk with Mark, a good sleep and some reflecting, today I am feeling strong again, and back on the road to full dream-chasing recovery.

It's a hard thing - this intention to create change - when you see other people living up to their creative potential you compare yourself to who they are NOW. You don't see the days when they were in floods of tears, or the years when they wrote, "Today I am going to start..." over and over again in their journals. I don't think we share enough of the bumps in the road.

Today I wanted to share a book that has helped me over one big huge bump. I grew up in an interesting brew of religiousness. I've shared before that when I was born we lived at a summer camp. It was sponsored by the United Church. So my earliest spiritual upbringing involved singing about love and peace and friendship while sitting in the woods surrounded by people I loved. When I was a little older I went to church with my family, but spent most services sitting with my Grandfather drawing squiggle-pictures and eating Trident mints. God for me was always a place of love and family. But it was never cool to talk about God in real life, so I never discussed it with anyone.

I've re-written my next paragraph about 47 times now looking for the right words to explain some more about my spiritual leanings but it always comes out wrong. I guess what I want to say is that I was always nervous reading or talking about Religious People's ideas (capital R intentional!) So I kind of hid my own ideas deep deep down. You never know what people are going to come out with or what hornet's nest you are going to disturb when you bring up any sort of divinity talk. It became something I was working out on my own - what I thought, where my place was, what I believed in - and was constantly in a shifting pattern, moving towards what I could live with.

A few weeks ago I discovered "The Red Book" by Sera Beak. I read it in two days and felt a strange mixture of recognition, terror and excitement as I did. When I finished it, I am ashamed to say I put it down, ran away from it, and did lots of other things to keep myself from thinking too much about it. It resonated with me a bit too much. I was terrified of it. But it kept calling me from the bookshelf so I got it out again and started working my way back through it. If you have any interest in magic and spirituality and femininity and divinity and sexuality and colour and inspiration - read. this. book. It takes living juicy to the next level. It's Sparkling 101 for grown-ups, and Creative Inspiration for women (not girls!)

(And if you do get it and want to talk about it with someone - I'd love to!)

"... become a divine exhibitionist. Play more, laugh more, do things that make your spirit roar, that amplify all your senses and encourage others to smile. Love boldly. Make your spirituality brighter, your prayers more colorful, your life more refined and reflective. Not only make the divine see you, but make the divine want to lick your forehead and taste you. After all, it's not enough to merely notice the divinity in the oak tree or gorgeous sunset or in your feelings for your loved ones, or even in the mirror. You have to pray from such an honest and open and raw place in yourself that the divine eagerly wants to kneel at the alter of you."
- Sera Beak "The Red Book" pg 69.

Days 5, 6, & 7 & A Valentine's Wish

Working on my own 21 Day Challenge and telling you all about it has made me pay very close attention to what I am doing and how I am doing it. I want to be able to tell you that I am doing well, I want to have done something fabulous, but I also want to do enough small things to create a continuable habit. I don't want these 21 days to be a stand-alone. I want to CHANGE.

In the past few days I have continued on the NO MORE DIET way of life (and let me tell you it's LIBERATING. I can't explain how wonderful it is to have so much of my energy back. Astounding.) I also have written something every day, and have been focusing on my goals. I think tomorrow I am going to write some out that are much clearer. The more you focus on what you want, the more you realize what you actually don't want. There's nothing like the threat of actually getting a wish granted to make you clear about whether or not you really want it!

The photograph above is just one of my bookshelves - it's the 'working' shelf - where I stash my current reads, my must haves and my notebooks (I am currently working through 4.) I love this shelf and its contents almost as much as I love Mark and my family and friends. So it's from the bottom of my bookshelf and my heart that I wish you all the sweetest of Valentines Days. I hope that wherever you and and whatever you're doing, you know that you are loved.

xo

Days 3 & 4

I have to admit that yesterday was not a stellar day in my 21 Day Challenge. I am still not feeling 100%, so I didn't exercise. I did write a little, but not enough to make me feel like I am moving onwards.

Today, however, I am back on track!! I am going to read a little and write a lot! I felt some shifting in my head yesterday in regards to two of my written pieces. For one of them, I have been waiting what seems like ages for it to finally arrive in my head. It's a non-fiction piece, and I just can't visualize how it is going to LOOK. I want it to be unusual, but I am not an artist. I wanted to see what form it was going to take before I went any further. Last night I decided that I was going to forget that part and just get re-writing it. So today I am going to spend at least an hour working on it. I am going to work into the answers.

"Go ahead, make a list: What are you waiting for?"

Day Two

21 Day Challenge Day Two!!

Considering I have been mostly in bed, I have accomplished quite a lot today!! I have a book that I have been reading about changing your 'money mind.' It has a seriously cheesy title so if you are interested I will whisper it to you another time. Basically it helps you to understand why you are the way you are about money and how to change your hardwiring to actually think and act in ways that will bring abundance into your life. I've read most of it in bed today so I am going to go back tomorrow when I am clearer and reread the pages I marked with what looks like might be about 47,000 torn-paper bookmarks.

Also today I wrote to a dear friend and asked her to be my deadline. I need to have a push to get myself writing, so by asking her now and setting a date, I hope to have some writing for her to read. I am a LOT gun shy about this. Once when I was younger I gave a manuscript for a Fantasy novel that I'd written to a teacher to read. I was (and still am) so proud of that book! She not only didn't read it, she actually LOST the manuscript. That shattered me. I've had one good experience since then doing a manuscript swop with another friend. THAT one went well, although I have realized since that that book really requires some distance and a rewrite. But another time I gave a piece of preciously new writing to someone else and their response was almost non-existent. So asking this friend to read something is a pretty big step: Tonight, I write!

A few days ago I found a crazy ad in the back of a magazine. As I can't visualize, I have trouble 'seeing' myself as the slim, healthy, confident, sassy woman that I know I am becoming. This site took a photo of me and put it through the process that they use on magazine models to make them thinner. I thought it would be a perfect thing to print out so I could see myself at my goal weight every day. Today I got a photograph of myself back that was me only about 40 lbs lighter. It was very strange as they send it back to you right beside the original picture. I couldn't believe a) how different I look in my original picture from how I see myself and b) how much it hurt to see how I could look compared to now. It was really hard, but after the original shock, I think that it is going to be a great tool for me - I will focus on already being that size, STOP dieting, and keep working out. I know where I have to be now.

SO, despite the flu, I have written some and will write today, done one small step towards the website, made a shift in physical thinking and let myself have some slack on exercise. Yes!

Thea is also spending the next 21 days challenging herself, and I am so so happy that I have inspired others of you to set dates for your own challenges or to also do this with me - let me know if you really are doing it & I'll help cheer you on!

(I've also temporarily stopped adding photos. For some reason Blogger won't load them up for me?!)

Day One.

So Day One of my 21 Day Challenge started off very well! I slept very fitfully, but I put it down to thinking too much about all of this. So when the alarm went off at 6am, I got up and exercised for half an hour! In my quest for 'vibrant health' I have decided to begin by exercising three or more times a week and work up to more. I have also made the fairly major decision (with Mark's help and support) to stop dieting.

Every time I try hard to lose weight I end up gaining it. If you subscribe to the concept of 'what you focus on appears,' then the more I focus on 'weight' whether it be losing it or gaining it, the more 'weight' will appear. So I am going to stop focusing on it. I am going to try to eat what I want when I am hungry and to stop when I am full. When I feel like I am going to be deprived of something I want it more - not good for weight loss. So that's the plan.

I spent my goal of 15 minutes focusing on my goals this morning, but then the universe had an interesting plan for me. Mid-morning at work I started feeling rotten and then progressively worse and now I am home with what appears to be a big bout of the flu. It's strange that I got this today, but I am going to rest, listen to my body and not get off track. Tonight I am going to work on one bit of writing towards the website, and I will have accomplished everything I wanted to today, sick or not.

I am determined that this is going to work! I feel good about my steps today. Now, back to bed.

The Day Before...

Tomorrow is the official beginning of my own 21 Day Challenge. I am really looking forward to it. Someone asked me what a 21 Day Challenge was so I will explain: There is all kinds of research that says that it takes 21 days to create a habit. I also think that 21 days is a nice amount of time to try something out. If it doesn't work for you, you have given it a fair shot and you can think of something else.

For me the next 21 days is about doing something every day that will bring me closer to my goals of: vibrant health, publication (writing) and a successful website. I also commit to spending 15 minutes every day focusing on my goals as if they had already come true. (The Secret) I have a lot of trouble visualizing so I have created a vision board of my greater goals.

I tend towards selective laziness. Hopefully by doing this and by asking for you to help me stay on track and to do it with me, I'll be able to keep focused. I think that I am finally in that place where I am so bored of myself that I need to change something. I think the universe is telling me something, because at the work conference I was at today, one man used another version of the two quotes I gave yesterday. He said, "If you don't change your route, you might end up where you're headed." Yup, Yup, I get it already!

So it all starts tomorrow. I shall see you then!

P.S. I also wanted to show you this. I appreciated this means of raising money for a good cause. I have bought the word, 'beautiful.' Now I own it - I own beautiful. Sigh.

A Work in Progress...

If you look really closely at this picture, you can see an angel in the sky. (She was much clearer from another angle, but this one is her just before I got my camera and she disappeared - hint - she's in the clouds.)

As you can see, things are shifting a bit here! I've decided that I am done being irritated and bored with myself. I am formulating a plan! Step one is changing the look of my blog (although it is far from done, I'm just testing the waters in the land of colour!)

Step two is the biggest part of my plan. Some time ago someone (I can't remember who so let me know if you can so I can credit them properly!) suggested that people do a 21-day challenge. Lots of people did it and I was really impressed with their tenacity and their ability to follow through. I have a funny view of myself and I thought I'd better not sign up because there was no way that I would be able to do it. Ugh. I know. More about this in a moment.

Two months ago Thea introduced me to The Secret. It's a book and a DVD and it is all about getting what you want. By following a few steps and making a few commitments, it says that your life will change. Well I watched it and I have had amazing things happen since then. (Unexpected income!!!!) Today, though, I was thinking about it in the context of what I really want and I had a serious talk with myself. At times I have very limited thinking. I hold a lot of fear and worry and anxiousness about a lot of things. I tend to view myself in terms of those emotions a lot of the time. When I was watching it today again this quote jumped out at me:

"If you want to change your circumstances you must change your thinking."

Guh. It was like a smack on the side of the head. I'd read it before. I think it was Oprah who said, "If you always do what you've always done, you'll always get what you've always got." Today for some reason a light bulb went off in my head. What I have been doing so far has not gotten me to where I want to be. Despite me throwing all kinds of energy towards them, I have not gotten to where I want to be. Clearly what I have been doing in the past ISN'T WORKING. I need a radical shift in thinking. I need to do something different to get something different.

A few months ago, Laini and Alexandra talked to me about the advice that they got at the SCBWI conference that they went to. The biggest advice that they shared with me was, "Write the Damn Book." Besides being great writing advice, boiled down to a metaphor what that means is quit talking about it and DO IT. Get your ass in gear. What do you want? Well then get started.

So here's my plan. On February the 8th I am going to put myself on a 21 Day Challenge. I am going to focus my attention on what I REALLY WANT and every single day I am going to take an action that will get me there. I am going to ask you to hold me accountable, dear friends and readers. If I do not post about it, please ask me about it. I am going to try to post every day I am able. If anyone else would like to join me in a 21 Day, "Write the Damn Book" Challenge (metaphorically speaking or not) please do!

"I feel my boots
trying to leave the ground,
I feel my heart
pumping hard. I want

to think again of dangerous and noble things.
I want to be light and frolicsome.
I want to be improbable beautiful and afraid of nothing,
as though I had wings."
-Mary Oliver.

Sunday Scribblings - Goodbyes

This week's Sunday Scribblings prompt is 'Goodbyes.' Laini told me last week that I needed to get scribbling again, so I felt that I needed to start with this one as it gave my heart a twist when I read it. When you live in one country and your family and most friends live in another, you say an awful lot of goodbyes.

For me there are several layers of goodbye in life. First there are the goodbyes that you say that you don't mean. These goodbyes are the ones that you say when you hang up the phone, the ones that you say when you leave someone at the end of a night out together or when you are leaving a dinner party or work or just when you leave in the morning. These goodbyes are never meant to be final, and they slip off of our tongues without us realizing how powerful the word can be. These goodbyes sometimes become the ones that you wish you could remember.

Then there are the goodbyes that you don't want to say because they mean it's going to be a long time before you get to say 'hello' again. These are the ones that bring tears to your eyes. I say a lot of this kind of goodbye at the airport. No matter where I am going I am leaving someone behind who I am going to miss. A lot of these are shortened by lumps in the throat or foregone all together in favour of a tight hug. These goodbyes remind you of how precious people are to you and how important moments together are.

Finally there are the category of goodbyes that are never shared; the ones you have to keep to yourself because there is no one to say them to. These are the ones that haunt you; the ones that are beyond tears. These goodbyes are the ones that you whisper into a phone when you have already hung up and you know you will not speak again. This is the goodbye that you say to a gravestone or a silence or that you whisper into the wind. This is the goodbye of unfinished business or regret or sudden loss. This is the one that echoes in your ears as you lie in bed at night. It's the one that you long to have been heard. It's the one that alters your life.

Sometimes I wish that we lived in a time where we could use the word, 'farewell' instead of 'goodbye.' In a fantasy book that I wrote I ended with one of my characters saying, "Farewell" and then finishing up with, "Until we meet again." I feel like we take our partings for granted. Shortly after a friend died I came across this Irish blessing and I loved it. It's a bit religious and old fashioned, but all it really means is, 'I love you, I wish nothing but the best for you and please take care of yourself so that we will meet again.' So now if you and I ever meet in person and then we have to say goodbye, please know that what I really mean by that is this:

May the road rise to meet you
May the wind be always at your back
May the sun shine warm upon your face
May the rain fall soft upon your fields,
And until we meet again
May God hold you in the palm of his hand.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
P.S. My surgery went well, thank you! I won't gross you out with the details like my Dr. grossed me out with the evidence!

lumps and bumps

Can you believe the cuteness?? This is my gorgeous niece again (who I won't get to see until October unless it's through the magic of iChat...)

I have been a bad blogger lately. I feel very wrapped up in boring old me and I haven't a lot to say. Tomorrow I am going in for minor surgery. I have a big lump on my back that the doctors say is a cyst. But there's more to the story.

Last week I went in to have it removed. I psyched myself up, went in, got half-naked. (In this office they don't seem to do the robe thing - in Canada you put on a robe for anything that requires any level of nakedness... weird.) And winced while the nurse put SIX needles into my back. She apologized and told me that she had to get the freezing under the lump so it wouldn't hurt. (?!) So then I lay there - still half naked - and waited for the doctor. When he came in he ummed and ahhhed and looked at my chart and said, "I actually don't do this anymore." (Another doctor at the surgery had told me to make an appointment with her or with him. He's my regular Doc. so they put me with him.) Apparently he now does the injections and another Doctor does the bloody big cysts.

So, furious, I made another appointment with the Doctor who actually does those procedures and left with my lump all bruised and my attitude considerably worse than it was when I went in. I had myself all geared up, you see, and I had already dealt with the 'worst bit.' So tomorrow I have to leave work early again and get my lump removed. I'll let you know how it goes. I wonder if I shouldn't just keep it now that we have been through so much together. Hmmm... but I do so enjoy getting half naked! It's a tough call to make. Please wish me luck?!

Happy Anniversary to me!! (My 139th Post)

This is a long one - but I have a year to talk about!!

A year ago today I began an incredible journey. I sat reading a blog post by someone else and I thought, "I want to do this!" So I did. I signed up for my very own blog. I wrote a post (probably about 5 times before I was brave enough to publish) and tentatively went out and began telling people I was alive.

The first person I went to see was the incomparable Alexandra. She had only started her blog a few days before me and I had read some of her comments on other people's blogs and really liked them. So I went to her site and introduced myself as another new blogger and I am forever grateful that I did!!! Not only is she wonderful, but she also introduced me to the incredible Laini. Between them they have spoiled me rotten, shared their writing tips, and become good friends. I was lucky enough to meet them for sushi and treats in November and I look forward to seeing them again soon. (Laini also became my partner-in-crime in our writing venture Sunday Scribblings!) I adore them both. They are magic.

Ten minutes after writing to Alexandra, I connected with Jamie and a little while later, Claudia. Between them they have inspired me to live a more honest life. Jamie doesn't know it yet, but she changed my life a lot. Knowing her and reading her has made me try to be more comfortable moving my body. I have begun to begin each day with a solo dance in the living room. A year ago this would never have been possible.

I won't go into my blogging world person by person because every single one of the people I have met on here have had an impact on me. Since this time last year I have: begun a blog, co-begun a writing blog, finished writing a novel and tried to send it out into the world. (I have stopped doing that for now in favour of writing another one... it will be my third!) I have finished a half marathon, written the rough draft of a non-fiction book, gone to Seattle and Portland to meet some of my new friends, gotten a promotion, lost my Grandmother, and become an Aunt and Godmother to the beautiful Helen (that's her in the photo with me, I got her her first Nalgene bottle before I left - ahhhhhhhhhhhhh........)

One of my bravest leaps this year was that trip to Seattle. I've written about it a lot already so I will just say that the women I spent that weekend with have altered me.

So where do I go from here? Where do I want to be in another year? Yesterday I posted about how bored I was with myself and what I had to say. I am still kind-of in that place. I am struggling a bit with this tonight. But writing this has helped. I have come a long way, baby. I am not alone. I have done some brave and some audacious things this year, and if THIS blogging year is as full of creativity and connections and change and words as LAST year was, it's going to be quite a year. Wish me luck!

Where have I BEEN??!

"There are very few human beings who receive the truth, complete and staggering, by instant illumination. Most of them acquire it fragment by fragment, on a small scale, by successive developments, cellularly, like a laborious mosaic." -Anais Nin

As I sat down to write this post I found the theme song from 'Superman' in my head for some reason. I am not fully certain what that is about. Perhaps a big fat post is brewing. Perhaps I am about to birth some fabulous idea... hmmm... doesn't feel like it.

Where have I been? First I was stuck in a land with no internet for a very long time. Then, just about the time when my internet came back I was plunked into a land where I had to go back to work full-time. I've had trouble getting my act back together since then. I've been torn between the blog post that I would like to write and the fact that even I am bored of reading my blog posts.

Seriously. I feel like I keep going on and on about the same thing. I feel like all I want is to get my freaking act together - get healthy, get writing, get websited, get published, get... get... get... blah blah blah. When I started doing Morning Pages several years ago, Julia Cameron said that doing morning pages meant that eventually you'd get bored of complaining about the same old thing and that you'd start to get on with it. I feel like that this week. I am so BORED of myself I can hardly type.

I love that Anais Nin called our illumination: "like a laborious mosaic." The word laborious is about right. I feel like I am so close to creating something astounding. I feel like I am on the very edge of saying something interesting. I feel like I have a huge handful of the pieces and I am just about to finally sit on my ass and put them together. I need that so badly - to sit up again, covered in muck and glitter and ink, stretching my back muscles and looking down at the results of my getting stuck in - to finally have stopped talking and started doing. I wonder if other writers get so caught up in writing about writing that they never get a 'real' word written.

Does anyone else get bored of themselves? What do you do then?

My arm has been cut off...

Well, okay so the title of this post might be a SLIGHT exaggeration but if you know me at all you will realize that what I am about to tell you is making me crazy.

We are without internet. Yes, I am writing to you from Mark's parents' house. They took pity on me so that I could do the Sunday Scribblings linking (which didn't work today for some reason - everyone in the world needs a MAC!) So I just had to take the opportunity to tell you that I am still here - we survived the flights home - and that we are holed up in our little house. But we arrived to find that our internet didn't work. A phone call to the company told us that they would check it out and call us in three days - THREE DAYS?!?!?!

Having no internet has forced me to actually get some writing done (which is good.) But it has also meant that I am totally out of touch. So I promise that I will be back soon - or I might actually go completely crazy.

In the meantime, please go to this link (Blogger hates my links today so I am giving you the whole thing - cut and paste and watch, but don't do it in an office where you aren't allowed to be blogging as there's sound!) I promise you'll giggle! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gujSJ4zTlhs
xo

Putting my money where my mouth is. (AND Friday Felicitations)

Well, if 2007 is going to be a year of growth, I need to start putting away all of my old crap. One of the things I need to put away is my hatred (yes, you read that right) of any and all photos of myself. It's MY bloody blog, isn't it?! WHY have I been so nervous and strange about photos of me? So here we are - cute eh?!

This holiday I was lucky enough to get to spend a day going through the six boxes of photos and home movies that my Grandmother left us. Two cousins, two uncles, one aunt, my parents, my brother, Mark and I all sat around my Mom's quilting table alternating between reminiscing and questioning. There was a lot of, "Aunt Wendy, who is this?" and "Does anyone know who this is?" But there was also a lot of, "Ooh! Look how cute..." and even more, "Oh, remember this?" Stories and people long dead or forgotten were remembered again. We made fun of old hair cuts and talked about friends and families and camping trips. We sat around and watched home movies on a projector with no sound. The 'grown-ups' struggled and rubbed their foreheads to remember the names of their old playmates, but could easily talk about where they used to play. For a few moments, my Grandparents were alive again.

I love old photographs. I love looking at the faces of the people who were responsible for me being here. I never really knew my great-grandparents, but I love and respect them just the same. Their lives created mine. I get goosebumps writing that. People wonder why I need photographs of them young when I never knew them that way. I need them because I need to remember that they were young. That they had dreams and loves and a life beyond what I know of them. I need to keep the perspective that my life will be short. My grandchildren will look at the photos I leave them and see me young. I want them to be proud. I want them to know me.

So from now on I am going to try to be okay being photographed. My Dad always says that if you don't get photographed, you won't have pictures and he's right. I want to remember. I want to sit down in 20 years and smile the way that my family smiled the day we went through Grandma's photos. I want to be surrounded by the happy memories and the spirits of the people who mattered to me. And I want to always remember that life is very, very short.

P.S. This should be my first week participating in Friday Felicitations but we are going away first thing tomorrow and I won't be able to post anything then. So I will add to this already long post my tentative first post on the subject. Megan explains it like this:

"It’s time to help each other throw out all that negative thinking and acknowledge those things we have to celebrate. Friday is now the day to blog your compliments, your accomplishments, something nice someone said to you, or maybe even something you are stiving to make better."

So this week I'd like to:
- acknowledge the incomparable Thea for starting her etsy store. I am definitely going to own one of her 'Blue Skies' pendants as soon as the money starts rolling in again!
- celebrate my drive to make this new year special and real and abundant
- enjoy that people have told me I was inspiring - sigh!

I'm new at this so I am going to leave it there for this week... love to you all!!

Happy New Year!!!!

I wish I could take a picture of this very moment for you. I'm sitting in my parents' kitchen chatting with my them and watching Mark cook Creme Caramel. Outside the sliding door the weather is positively balmy, the sun is shining, the birds are confused, and the grass seems to be getting greener by the minute!

It's a new year! It's a new day! It's a fresh start, a new beginning, another chance. I feel uncharacteristically positive about this whole 2007 thing. My life and the lives of those around me have been changing at an incredible rate. Every horoscope I read tells me that I need to get on with the business of my dreams because some celestial body moved into my sign and that means money. (Scorpios take note!) Last year I feel like I laid the foundations for this one. I now have my very own tribe of like-minded women, books begun, websites growing, and some physical boundaries shifted. I also have a gorgeous new niece (see above) and another year to get on with it.

My cousin sent me an e-card that helps you to make your resolutions. You fill in a number, a couple of adjectives and a couple of verbs and it fits them into sentences that are your resolutions for the year. Here are my results:

1. Lose 25 pounds (how did it know?)
2. Be more beautiful (awwwwwwww!)
3. Be less strong (I read this as let loose a little more and worry a little less!)
4. Stop walking (I was worried about this until I read this next one)
5. Start dancing (yes!)
6. Jump every day. (heh heh heh heh heh.)

Last year I decided that I wasn't going to make resolutions any more. I never ever did any of them, so I decided to choose a theme instead. I thought if I did that if I could simply try to make my decisions based on the theme, that I could make small changes towards goals. My self-chosen theme for 2006 was "Brave." Looking back I can easily make a list of things from last year that I am proud of. I know that I have been brave this year.

So this year I had a real think about what my theme for the year is going to be. I've decided on 'Grow.' I intend real growth this year. My muscles, my resolve, my bank balance, my romance, my friendships, my tribe's success, our website, my word count, my own beauty and confidence, all of these things could use growth in 2007. So my only resolution for this year is to make as many decisions as I can that will create positive growth.

To all of you who are reading this, I wish you the most happy and prosperous new year you can imagine. I also ask you what your own theme might be for this fresh new year? What do you intend?

xo

P.S. If you are looking for a real way to make a positive resolution or two, read this ass-kicking post by Felicia. She constantly inspires me to look at the way I am living differently and today is no exception.

ponderings before flying

If I was to have a theme song for the past little while it would have been, "Leaving on a Jet Plane" by John Denver. I'm off at 5:00am tomorrow morning for another journey across the pond. I am not complaining one bit but holy cow, I have only just gotten over the cold I got from the LAST plane I was on!

I woke up this morning feeling a bit worse for wear. It's been a hectic couple of weeks (as it has been for everyone everywhere) and I woke up feeling grouchy and tired so I decided to go for a walk. I wish with all of my heart I could transport some of you who I know read this to walk on my beach with me on a sunny winter morning. It was incredible. I had it all to myself and the tide was going out so the beach grew as I walked along it. There were some seagulls enjoying a breakfast and a bath at the edge of the sea and I wandered along searching for sea glass (the quest continues for a piece that is red) and just breathing.

Sometimes I like to be reminded of the time-fullness of the world I live in. As I walked I glanced up at the cliffs behind the beach. About three quarters of the way up there is a line of white that is made up of shells and stones. Uncountable years ago that was the sea bed. Talk about perspective! I looked up at the headland that you can see in the photo. At the top there is the remains of what was probably an iron age fort. A little farther along there are rings in the grass where settlements once were. Walking on the beach this morning made me and all of the grumpy problems that brought me outside shrink back down to know our place. I am a small, small part of the history of this place. It will be going long after I am gone. I love that.

So tomorrow I am off to the land of maple syrup and moose! My ipod is charged and full, my suitcase is packed with clothes and goodies, my hair has been cut, my parents know the flight details and at 4:00am the alarm will go off to begin the journey. I'm going to get to see some people that I haven't seen in years. I'm so excited. I feel like the stress of the past few weeks is all worth it now! So the next time I post it will be from my homeland. Keep a happy flight thought for me and I'll see you in a different time zone!

a whole lot o' ho-ho!

So yesterday was 'Meg's Christmas!' Seriously. Because I am going to be in Canada for Christmas I had it with Mark and his family while I am still here! We went out for a divine lunch at a pub and then we came home and ate baklava and mince pies and drank what was left of the Canadian Ice Wine with Brandy that we brought back last year. I also got to open all of my presents! It was a little bizarre because I was the only one opening presents as they are all waiting for the actual day to open theirs - so I was a superstar! It was awkward. But it's also kind of neat getting pressies before the day.

I was lucky enough to get Danny Gregory's book from Mark's sister and brother-in-law! I've been deeply intimidated by his talent and his website for ages so when I saw that he had a book that could teach ME how to get drawing I stalked it for a little while. Every time I was in a bookstore I looked for it and then would put it back and run away to the safety of the self-help/ motivation section. So I had to get someone else to buy it for me so I wouldn't be afraid of it anymore. I am happy to say that it worked!

I read twelve pages last night before bed. (I had to sleep, I started a four-day First Aid course this morning. It meant a 6:00am start. Ugh.) I felt a familiar fizzle in my creative core as I took it in. I have felt that feeling before - the first time I read Spilling Open by Sabrina Ward Harrison and the first time I read Inspiration Sandwich by Sark, and a few other times - like the universe had shifted a little and I could actually sense my own possibilities changing. My very favorite page so far was page 5. When I read, "Pure creativity is all around us" I shivered with excitement for the rest. In a week I will be going home again and I am excited about the train- train- airport- plane journey because it is just going to be me and this book. Just wait - you won't believe what I come out with!

I've been asked what sort of things I write. I'll admit to something here: I really don't write any one thing. I have written a fantasy novel, a young adult novel, a non-fiction book about living a real life, and I have six books haunting me - three non fiction, and three fiction. So I write a little of everything. I can't seem to write anything short that is fictional. And now I am opening up another creative window - or at least I hope to!

I'm off to read some more of this book and to relax in a bath (I'm frozen after a day being nervous in First Aid! If anyone has access to a 'Lush' store - try a bath with BOTH a Black Pearl and a Jingle Spells bath ballistic in it - pure, complete and total BLISS!) I'm hoping to come back a little more talented just from pure osmosis!!

"Do you dare to be creative?" - Danny Gregory

It's here! It's here!

A Happiest of Holidays to YOU!!!

It's time! It's happening! It's sleigh bells and reindeer and children with big eyes and decorations and cookies and stockings and gatherings and glitter and tinsel and bows and trees and magic and did I already mention cookies...?

I love Christmas. I love Christmas so much that I get like a little child when it begins. When I was younger I used to decorate my bedroom door with wrapping paper. I love wandering the streets as it gets dark, warm beverage in one hand, shopping bags in the other, watching the lights twinkle. I am blessed to be a part of a large family so I love the excitement of going to someone's house and being together for dinner.

A few years ago I was stricken with a very serious case of Mono at the beginning of December. (That's Glandular Fever to those of you from this side of the pond!) I came home from the doctor's, got on the couch and stayed there pretty much until the end of February. When you are bedridden in December in North America you watch a lot of Christmas specials! I watched "Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer," and "The Year Without a Santa Claus," and "The Grinch Who Stole Christmas," and "The Muppet Christmas Carol," and many, many, many more. It wasn't long before I realized that every single one of them had the same message: keep Christmas in your heart all year long.

It makes me sad to hear that there are people who don't like Christmas. They cite the pressure and the commercialism and many other reasons. I feel like giving the whole world a little shake. Whether or not you believe in Christ or the Nativity or even in Santa, I think that there is something to be learned in this season: be nice to each other, take care of each other, spoil each other a little. The Muppets sing that "wherever you find love you will find Christmas," and I believe them. So I hope that in the next few weeks you will find some peace and goodwill towards men (and women) along with your twinkle lights and shortbread.

Ho - Ho - Ho!

What a MONTH!!

"Long have you timidly waded holding a plank by the shore, now I will you to be a bold swimmer, to jump off into the midst of the sea, rise again, nod to me, shout! and laughingly dash with your hair." - Walt Whitman

I think that in the future I will look back at November of 2006 as a point where my life really changed. What a month I have had. This morning I sat and read through Michelle's lovely post about her creative dreams and I became nearly frozen in a deep reverie. I feel so different now. I left blogging for a month hoping to sit at this computer and work my ass off. I hoped to get big leaps towards one of my dreams. I hoped that by today things would be different. BOY are they - but not in the way that I'd thought.

At the beginning of the month I went to Seattle. I came back from that reeling with potential and connection and friendship. I came home ready to get on with the business of writing. Then two weekends ago my Grandmother died. Within 24 hours Mark and I were on our way to Heathrow airport and a day and a half later I was at her funeral. I held my niece (and Goddaughter!) on my lap through much of the service, and was held in the tight circle of my family. My Grandmother would have been proud. Both she and my Grandfather gave us all the gift of knowing how important family is. She was an incredibly - almost unbelievably - positive person. I learned a lot from her and I will probably write more about her in the future. In the meantime, we've lost her and she will be deeply, deeply missed.

Between these two trans-Atlantic journeys I have been working and sick in nearly equal amounts. I seem to stumble between the deep desire to sit on the couch watching television and spending hours at my desk spilling my ideas and desires onto the page. It seems deeply unfair to me that I am so inspired and so snotty at the same time. I feel tingles in my writing fingers. I feel like there aren't enough hours in the day to do all of the reading/ writing/ journaling/ creating/ connecting I want to do, but by the time I come home from work all my body wants to do is curl up in a ball and be sick. As I write this I wonder how to look at the illness as a part of my metamorphosis... but maybe it's the cold medicine talking.

I used to wonder if I would ever get where I wanted to be. I think this month, more than any other time in my life, has let me see clearly where that actually IS. I have a vision of what I want my life to look like and what I want to look back on and be proud of when it is over. I know two things now that I didn't really know then. I know that the only thing holding me back from everything I want is me. And I know that I am not alone on this journey. I thought I knew all of that before. But now, thanks to the lessons of this past November, I think I might actually understand it too.

"I may not have gone where I intended to go, but I think I have ended up where I intended to be." - Douglas Adams.

Seattle

WARNING: this is a big post - almost as big as a Portland Pancake!!

Okay, I know that I said that I wasn't going to post until Dec. 1, but I couldn't let the week I just had go by without some mention.

If you take a media studies course they will often tell you that when it is raining in a movie it means that a profound change is taking place. Well it poured in Seattle last week and I indeed came home deeply altered.

I have been reading the posts that some of the other women I shared this journey with have written and have cried a little bit more each time I have read them. What a weekend. I am a bit aware of the weirdness of sharing such an intense and personal time on such a public forum, but I need to say this: Several months ago I was reading about another group of women and another gathering that happened. I was so happy for them and also jealous of their connection. Within a few days I started my own blog and my own journey. It has been an incredible adventure.

I went to Seattle hoping that I would make some friends and that we would be able to help each other along our various paths. What I received was so much more than that. We watched each other open and grow and ache in many ways. We cried and we laughed and we fought and we struggled and we listened and we danced and with each moment the bonds between us grew and deepened. It wasn't easy and at times it wasn't fun, but the result is time and friendships that have changed me for the better. I feel so honoured and blessed to have been a companion and a witness on this journey that we are all on. (And yes - they are as gorgeous and creative and brilliant and charming and full of life and fiesty as they seem on their blogs - more so even!)

But my trip didn't end there!! On Sunday night Liz and I went to see the Indigo Girls in concert. (Sigh!!) I truly have loved them since I was 15. Every time I listen to them I have the experience of a certain line or lines speaking directly to who I am right then. This time was no exception. I sang right along with them as loud as my tired voice would allow and I am sure that if you were to have seen me you would have seen that my face was shining as I thought about my soul sisters.

And then the week was still not over!! On Monday Liz and I got back in the car and drove to Portland to hang out with Alexandra and Laini!! Alexandra and Laini (along with Jamie and Claudia) were my very first blogging friends. We connected right away and I have loved them since our very first email. Soon after that Laini and I started Sunday Scribblings together so it was absolutely wonderful wonderful to meet them in person! We went out for sushi and then hung out in Laini and Jim's house (which is amazing - it oozes creativity and inspiration and magic from every corner!) then the next day we went out for the biggest pancakes I have ever seen (They were bigger than the plates! I picked chocolate chip - MMMmmmm MMmmm!!!) and then they took me to the mother ship: Powell's City of Books. (a whole city block and four floors of BOOKS - new and used mixed up together!!!) I walked around it feeling overwhelmed. I needed six hours and another pancake to have done it justice! WOW. (And yes - Laini and Alexandra and Jim are all even more wonderful and fiesty and creative and gorgeous and full of life as they are in their blogs!)

So here I sit. I am back home, incredibly exhausted, but filled with the joys and the memories of an entire week of incredible connection. I was so nervous to meet these people but there was never any weirdness with any of them. As soon as our grins met we were chatting like old friends. I miss them all deeply. I feel strange - like there is a hole in my heart because I am missing them so much, but at the same time my heart feels more full because I know that they are in my life. I felt them all today as I went about my job - like an invisible force field of cheerleaders and defenders - not present in body but there nonetheless.

You have altered me, my friends. I promise to be braver and more creative and fiercer in my dream chasing. Thank you.

(This photo was taken by Thea. They all scolded me for having so few pictures of myself on my blog so I am starting with a small picture that is all me!!)

And now I mean it - no more posts again until December first. I have a dream to chase.

I've got to get some work done!

"I don’t know what inspiration is, but if and when it comes, I hope it finds me working…" - Pablo Picasso

Well, to make a long story short - I DID IT!!! It was truly the hardest thing I have ever done. I did it in a very slow 3 hours and 11 minutes. I have been hobbling around ever since, but I have the medal and the t-shirt and I can now say that I have done a half-marathon! YAY! (and the very best part is that it is done!)

A strange thing happened to me as I made my way along the course of the race. After running a few miles and then stopping for a 'comfort break' I found myself towards the back of the crowd. I am not really an athlete, and I often needed to stop and walk. At around mile 7 I started paying attention to what was going through my head. (I had to pay attention to something other than my screaming hips!) I was shocked by how negative my thoughts were. All that was going through my head was how I wasn't going fast enough or how I wasn't running enough or that I was going to be the last person to cross the line. I was worried that the people along the route were judging me because I wasn't going quickly enough. Finally I forced through my head that I was DOING A HALF-MARATHON and that I needed to be proud of myself. The whole process really showed me how I think and how I need to change the way that I speak to myself. Lots of lessons learned.

I also have realized in the past few weeks that I have been stretching myself too thin. I have so much that I want to do and need to do that I haven't been doing any of it. I realized that in order to make my dream of a book-lined writing room a reality I need to get myself focused. We are getting close to getting our website up and running but I have been shamefully neglecting my portion of the work. Right now that is the work that needs to take priority in my life. So I have made a difficult decision. I am taking a blogging break. Actually I am taking a writing break. No writing allowed that isn't website-related. I hope that this means that I will be able to come back to writing and blogging refreshed and energized and ready to get this chick's words published!

So I am taking a blogging break until December 1. Between now and then I am going to turn 32 (on October 25th,) go on a journey to the States to meet some incredible women, see the Indigo Girls in concert, start a new part of my job, and hopefully get a large amount done. So I'll have lots of stories to tell, and I'll be looking forward to catching up on yours.

Keep safe and well, take care of you and I will see you in just over a month. (I should be walking normally by then...)

xo

If I could stop time.

This week's Sunday Scribbling's prompt is: "If I could stop time." This is so incredibly topical for me right now. OH, if I could stop time I would use my power to freeze everyone else so that I could have several more months of training for the half-marathon I am attempting on Sunday. I would stop time in Canada so that my wee niece (and Goddaughter!!) wouldn't grow up any more while we are away. I would stop time so that we could get our website sorted out before Google spends all of its money on other people's wacky ideas.

If I could stop time I would spend an eternity on a canoe trip with my family. I would write all of the books that are lining the drawers of my brain and then start time again so that I could be one of those phenom writers who can put a book out once a year. To be honest I would try very hard to accomplish everything I could towards my new years resolutions. Because you know, it's nearly that time again and I haven't quite got there. Like Bill Murray towards the end of Groundhog Day I would learn as much as I could and fill myself with skills and talents. I could learn Italian and Dutch, and teach myself to knit and I'd lose weight and I could figure out how to write a million-dollar screenplay.

I'd spend as much time with the people I love as I possibly could.

The second part of Sunday Scribblings was if you could choose any superpower out of the basket what would it be? That's a tough one if you get too deeply involved in the process. My gut instinct is that I would fly. That one is obvious as it would save me a blooming fortune on airfare. As for a fighting-evil superpower, I really enjoyed Elastagirl's powers in the Incredibles. That would be handy no matter what you were doing.

Okay, so please please send us your positive vibes this weekend. Mark and I are running (I use that term loosely when it comes to me!) the Cardiff Half Marathon this Sunday morning. I am so nervous I feel sick. I have knee braces (sexy!) and Powerade and a fully charged, fully loaded ipod. All I need now is some courage and Divine help. I'll be back Monday (hopefully) to tell you how it went.

I miss...

The last few times I have posted I have done it with a lump forming in my throat. It's not that I am sad, or even very unhappy, it's more that I have felt like I was lying a little bit. I've been trying to write about other things when all I want to say is how much I am missing at home. I'm actually boring myself going on about how homesick I am, so I am going to get it all out right here, right now.

I keep getting home 'flashes.' I'll be going about my day and I will suddenly get a vivid picture in my head of somewhere in Canada. It's unusual for me because I have real problems with visualization. If you asked me to picture somewhere in my head, I can't do it. I can feel a place, smell a place, or know a place but I can't make a visual image in my brain. But it's that brain that seems to be determined to make me 'see' home.

Last week I had a flash of a sushi restaurant I have been to a few times with my friend Karen. I was absolutely there for a moment. Other times it has been the intersection at Lansdowne street, my Mom's office, a bookstore, a coffee shop. I will be there for a moment and then I'll be back here again, filled with longing for home and sad that I can't capture that moment again on my own. I wish I could figure out what my brain is doing to me.

So please humour me while I make a list - a partial list - of the things and places that I am thinking of and missing. I'm not putting many people in it because then I'll cry and that won't be productive at all.

* a Tim Horton's 'everything' bagel with herb and garlic cream cheese
* driving through Peterborough and going to Chapters (and the attached Starbuck's)
* the fall colours that I know are happening
* my niece who is being Christened next weekend in the dress that I was Christened in
* Thanksgiving this weekend & the big family dinner
* anything and everything cooked by my Mom (today my hankering is for a Dutch dish I can't pronounce on here involving mashed potatoes and huge meatballs!)
* the feeling of space around you
* a coffee shop on every single corner of every single road
* convenience stores (yes, it's a weird thing to miss but I do.)
* sushi with friends
* fitting in (not being asked, "So where are you from?")
* shopping malls - big ones (is that shallow?)
* my family & friends (and several babies of friends who are growing up quickly!)
* Wendy's hamburgers
* my VERY favorite band is playing in concert in Toronto in October. (amended later - I might get to see them afterall somewhere else!)
* having breakfast with my parents
* time alone in office supply stores (we live in a very small village here!)
* t.v. series that start in October and finish in the spring
* a restaurant in Peterborough called, "Hot Belly Mama's" that makes the best sweet potato french fries!
* my books - although I am slowly ferreting the collection over here it's still pretty massive over there
* the slightly northern southern Ontario landscape
* trees

There's lots more but I will leave it there. I don't want to sound like I don't like it here, because I do - I'm just missing where I am from.