Permission.

"For too many women, doubting the legitimacy of their inspirations chokes their creative spirit." - Gail McMeekin

This is the first letter of a word that I commissioned from Jessie.  I am delighted to say that I have the word 'YES' coming in the mail!  

As I read through the chapter for this week's book group, I was struck by the number of excuses and reasons that women find to not create.  

I know I am an incredibly lucky girl in many ways.  Supportive parents, BIG life lessons about the preciousness of life, early creative surroundings, an artistic husband and no kids of my own have all conspired together to make me quite comfortable spending time writing.  In fact, in our house we often ignore things like laundry and cleaning in favour of a few more minutes making our dreams happen.

Having said that, I couldn't figure out why the chapter made me so uncomfortable until I read the quote I shared at the top of this page.  I'll add it again here in case you missed it:  "For too many women, doubting the legitimacy of their inspirations chokes their creative spirit." - Gail McMeekin.  As I said, I have no trouble spending time writing, but whenever I pick up a paintbrush I feel like I should be doing other things.  I should be writing - that is where my skills are - that is where I might have a shot at creating something worthwhile.

UGH.

Last year I had a brainwave for a wonderful website.  I am in love with this idea.  I bought the web address, I have been scribbling about it ever since, but I haven't gotten past tinkering with page one.  Why?  Because it requires me to make art and because it is NOT a way of making money.  The lesson? Creativity that creates even the remotest possibility of income = valid.  Creativity that is just creating beauty in the world for the sake of it = something to cram in after all of the other to-dos have been taken care of.  

On Friday I had a little meltdown.  I was at work and was listening to something on my ipod that make me cry.  Luckily I was alone, because it was one of those messy talking to the universe, God, and anyone else who might be listening cries.  I wanted to know what to do to make a situation I am in better.  When I was all cried out (and the universe could get a word in edgewise) I started thinking about that idea again, complete with a new and enticing angle.  In fact, whenever I am feeling sorry for myself, this idea pops into my head again.  I keep pushing it down, thinking that I'll do it when my other shoulds are done.  I think that this time I will listen.  In fact, I am going to make it a priority.

Seeing the act of creating as a legitimate use of our time makes us make time.  It becomes a priority no matter how much washing needs doing or how much other people need us.  The only thing stopping us from focusing on our Self is our own perception of the validity of what we are doing.  We need to place value on the things that we love to do, and then we will not feel guilty doing them.  The world needs our creative energy, it doesn't need more guilt!

"In order to succeed, you must create a space, commit the time, value it, and fight for it.  And yes, give some things up." - Gail McMeekin

finding my wings.

"Metamorphosis isn't always pretty but it is always awesome and absolutely essential." - Oprah Winfrey

I just need to say that I am seeing butterflies!

I wrote here about the butterflies that appeared in my life earlier this year, but ever since I wrote that post, I have been noticing something different. For the past few months blue butterflies have been appearing in my life. I need to be clear and tell you that as I am in England in the winter, the butterflies have not been real. Instead they have appeared in other guises. I have seen them winking at me from book and magazine covers, on people's clothing, in advertising, etc., etc. It has happened enough that I have begun to get a little heart flutter every time I see one now, because I believe there is more to it than just coincidence.

I have had a funny thing for blue wings for a while now. I even put a pair into the book that I have just written. So to suddenly begin seeing them everywhere has been quite intriguing. I have been looking in all of my signs and symbols books to try to discover what it all means. All of them say the same thing: butterfly = transformation. But what does a blue butterfly mean? Hopefully it's MY transformation. I choose to see them as little winks from the universe to say that everything is going to be okay. My book (complete with blue wings) will be published, Mark's website will launch, and life with be transformed.

Maybe the caterpillar has finally metamorphosed! (Is that even a word?) (Giggle.)

Short and Sweet

About your goal: "If you carry on as you are, will you achieve it?” - Paul McKenna

Artwork and Photograph by Jessie M. of Patch of Sky and Stray Dog Arts

Okay, so I blatantly lied to you about coming back and telling you all about Grenada. I may still do a post about it, but the last few days have past in a post-vacation brain freeze and I just can't summon the nowse to do anything. Even today, after going through some of the 457 entries in my Bloglines account, I find I cannot do it. I'm still hibernating. Tomorrow I go back to work. Tomorrow I get back to reality. Today I am staying in my cocoon!

So instead of anything of ME, here are some of the things I have found lately that make me happy!

1. This blogger. She is new to me, but I am finding her blog pure delight!

2. This same blogger's Women's Circle starting in March. It looks like just what the Dr. ordered!

3. This book by Martha Beck. I was loaned it on holiday after I'd finished the FIVE novels I had with me. Within 39 pages I had one of those put-down-the-book-and look-around-with-amazement moments that you sometimes get when you realize something new about yourself.

4. Susannah's new e-course: Unravelling: Ways of Seeing My Self looks amazing! She is an incredible photographer (it is her skill that made me look as good as I do in the photograph in my header!!) She is insightful and charming and will bring out the best in anyone who wants to take up her challenge!

5. Jessie's word of the day posts and her beautiful artwork. Jessie is walking, talking, typing, painting inspiration!

6. This great blog. I don't know whose it is, but imagine my surprise one day to go there and find a quote by ME!

7. SQUAM. Oh, what I wouldn't give to be there. Do you hear me Universe? Please help me get to Squam this year. (After you help me get published, maybe I could have a book launch there. Is that asking too much? Chuckle.) So many dear souls are going to be there. I am a camp junkie - did it all of my life - and this would be like the best parts of camp PLUS filled with creativity and talent and women I am already friends with who I haven't met in person!! OH. SQUAM. PLEASE?!?!?

8. This is VERY cool. I want one of these couches and one of these chairs so much my mouth waters just thinking about them!!

Have a wonderful Sunday!

xo

Not an Artist.

"Everything always passes, and everything is already okay. Stay in the place where you can see that, and nothing will resist you." - Martha Beck

(We are back from Grenada, but I will tell you all about it tomorrow. I haven't got my pictures ready yet, and a holiday needs to be illustrated! So today I am getting right back into the blogging book group.)

This week the chapter is about surrendering to your creative cycles. I had a hard time reading this bit of the book. It's not because it was too much or too hard (or because I am severely jet lagged) but because I feel that sometimes when we talk too much about the "darkness" or the "creative void" that it perpetuates the idea that if we don't have these dark creative blocks or if we don't feel like we are being tested for our art that somehow we are not artists.

For a long time I felt like I couldn't be an artist. It wasn't because of talent or about skill, it was because I didn't think I was full of enough angst. I wasn't carrying a sketchbook everywhere I went, or scribbling furiously in my diary every few minutes or lugging a guitar around with me like my 'artsy' friends were. Those people were artists. I was just me.

I wrote big colourful letters to friends and painted a sun on my ceiling. I scribbled in journals when I felt the need, and I doodled in the margins of my notebooks. I decorated my bedroom with beautiful things, and collected multi-coloured sunglasses. I acted in community theatre productions, ran the craft program at summer camp, and all the while I thought because I didn't feel the passion that these friends seemed to feel about art or music or drama, that I mustn't really be very artistic. What I now realize is that creativity isn't something that you can turn on or off or own or suffer through. It is how you live your life.

Please understand that I do completely agree with the concept of creative cycles. You can't force yourself to create a masterpiece every day. Everything and everyone needs to go through cycles of rest and renewal and growth and creation, but I think that getting lost in the drama of it all can be an enticing enemy. Using terms like "surviving the void" makes us feel like the creative cycles are scary and something to be overcome. I choose to believe that creative cycles are something to relish. Sometimes you show up and you can write pages, other times you only get three words onto a page before you realize that you actually want to be baking or painting or walking. Listening to these urges can bring out the most amazing things. I am going to tell you what I think: your art doesn't need angst to thrive. It just needs you living your life with all you've got, following your creative urges, and trusting that it will all make sense in the end.

...at least that is what I believe.

"... women who have been intimate with the creative process and created pots or books or prints or whatever, have a confidence in the cycles and the inevitability of the emergence of the new. Creative passions have come and gone, and therefore there is faith that inspirations will once again emerge." - Gail McMeekin

T.O. (Time Out)

"Gratitude is the most passionate transformative power in the cosmos. When we offer thanks to God or to another human being, gratitude gifts us with renewal, reflection, reconnection." - Sarah Ban Breathnach

Photo by homesgofast.com

It feels like a really strange time to be going on holiday. My packages are going out to agents and there is lots of stuff going on on line. I am making new friends and getting back in touch with old ones. Mark's website is very nearly done. I have changed my diet and am feeling awake and feisty. There is energy in the air. I've never gone on holiday feeling like this. I can't wait to see what wonderful things are in store - both now and when I get back. 2009 has already had a different flavour to it - it already feels like it has potential for greatness. For that, and for you, I am grateful! Have a wonderful few weeks and I shall see you when I am full of all that the Caribbean has to offer!

xo

Engaging Creativity

"There cannot be too many glorious women." - Marianne Williamson

Most of you started your new year last week. There were fireworks and celebrations all over the world. For me, my new year and my new life starts today. I don't know how Jamie does it, but somehow she started her new book group on the first day of the rest of my life! I had an endoscopy yesterday to confirm my celiac diagnoses. I have had to eat gluten for the past three months so that this test would be right. From today I can start making every bite I take about healing my body. From today I am going to feel better and stronger and more energetic. From today everything about my journey is about health and strength and putting more of myself into my goals and my dreams. This all sounds awfully dramatic and excessive, but after years of fatigue and lethargy, I am almost fizzing with excitement at the possibilities now that I know how to take care of myself!!!

The book this time is The 12 Secrets of Highly Creative Women by Gail McMeekin. In Chapter One, she says, "It was time to redesign my life in line with my limitations and with total allegiance to my truth." I got goosebumps when I read that. That is where I am on my creative journey. It's time to listen and understand who I am and how I work and that I can't force myself to do anything. (There is a part of me will always rebel!) As I said in my last post, every decision needs to be about whether the choice will bring me closer or further away from what I want. And I need to make the choice to get closer more often.

OH - I just found this at Kerstin's blog - go here and listen to THIS!! Trust me! It's like a theme song for getting ON with it!

"In the sacred traditions, the first thing you do in the morning is ask for blessings from the four elements: earth, air, fire and water. Because all of the work that you are going to do that day will change the universe." - Laura Esquivel

Clear Focus.

"Metamorphosis isn't always pretty but it is always awesome and absolutely essential." - Oprah

I'm not sure why I haven't been here in so long. I have started to write a post a few times, but I couldn't get past the title. I have felt quiet and still and even now, faced with the prospect of beginning to write again, I feel like I am hesitating on the shore; dipping my toes in to test the waters before I commit myself.

I know how things get around here at the turn of the year. Everyone goes all hog-wild picking theme words, making or not making resolutions, thanking the previous year and making lists of their wildest dreams. I have done some of those things privately this year, but I did not have the energy to share them.

It feels different this time. I feel like my resolutions came with a different sort of sigh this year. Other years I have sighed as I have written, 'lose weight' and 'write my book.' That sigh was one of resignation: I'll never do this, why do I bother? This year it was a soft sigh of determination. It was a soft breath of knowing that I can and I will complete what I have started. I feel both softer and stronger now. Clearer. I know what I want and I know that I just need to work hard to get there. Every decision just has to be weighed: will this choice bring me closer to or further away from what I want and who I am? And then I have to live with the consequences of my choice.

It's funny how a profound lightness of purpose caused such a heavy sounding post. It's actually quiet and determined and joyful over here. It's just all percolating on the inside for now. My goal for 2009? Clear focus. "I know like I know like I know."

So help me catch up - what's your goal for 2009?

xo

a woman...

I've posted this before, but I needed it today, so maybe one of you might too.
(It's an old Nike Ad. Click on the pic. to make it big enough to read.)

xo

The story of two butterflies.

"What you focus on appears."

Once upon a time, when I was living in Kingston, Ontario and going to teacher's college, I walked into a small bookstore and bought these two cards. I often buy pretty cards and then use them as art rather than sending them. Most of these cards eventually end up being put into my Anything Book or my Inspiration file. For some reason these two have followed me everywhere since. I have had them up - side by side - on every wall of every room I have lived in since 2001.

They say that what you focus on appears. A few days ago I was brushing my hair and I looked over at the wall where I have put up some photographs and other treasures. My heart skipped a beat when I looked at those butterflies. They HAD appeared - several times - in my life over the past year. When I asked Laini to design our wedding invitation, I knew that we were going to have wings, but I didn't really think about which ones. When her gorgeous art arrived, I was delighted, but I didn't make any connection.

When Lisa agreed to make our beautiful wedding cake and said that she wanted to make it like our invitation, I remember thinking how beautiful her drawings were and then how stunning and unusual the cake was. I still didn't make the connection.


When Kirsten Michelle sent me her incredible photographs of the wedding, I was so grateful to her for such beautiful images of our day. (The last two photographs are hers!) I was glad she captured such important moments. I remember cutting the cake with Mark and then jokingly holding up the sugar butterflies and having our picture taken. I STILL didn't really make the connection.

For eight years I have been looking at these two butterflies and not really thinking about them. I have appreciated how pretty they are and have thought about whether or not it was time to take them down and decided it wasn't time yet. For eight years I have semi-consciously been focusing on them. But they have been there to be focused ON. And sure enough, they appeared.

I am sure that the Universe was struggling with that one. "She wants butterflies? A blue one and a monarch? Hmmm..." But sure enough, with enough time and enough concentration, they appeared. And just like the two that I have been dutifully placing side-by-side since 2001, they were side by side; and they were beautiful.

So I hate to break it to you folks, but what you focus on appears. It may not be on purpose or in exactly the form you expect, but it appears. And if you are not clear, you might get unusual results. As for me, I have put up a few more things that I want, but this time I have been a bit more specific. I have also decided to consciously look at the images a bit more often. I don't have eight years to wait for my other dreams! But I have learned my lesson! I get it now. I am just glad that I got to learn it with wings that were on my wall and not the monkeys!

xo

P.S. I DID IT!! I put my money where my mouth is. I sent off my first proposal package to an agent!! Fingers crossed please!

change.

"If you can put fear aside, you're unstoppable." - Janet Hagberg

This is the last day over at Soul Coaching. It has been an interesting month. At the beginning of the month I questioned my own ability to follow through; to show up and to trust myself with this journey, and I am proud to say that I did it. I did show up here at my desk every day. This is huge for me! I am sad about some things. I did not have time to visit everyone on the journey very much, and some days I did the bare minimum required, but I journeyed just the same! (Thank you so much to Jamie for hosting!!)

Today is about celebrating yourself and the changes you have made. I am actually surprised by the profound change that seems to have happened in me. It feels quite fresh and tender and new so I am not going to show it too much light yet, but just know that things are going to change around here! I'm feeling a shift, and that shift is moving me forward in lots of ways.

I have been sitting here for almost an hour writing and rewriting this post. I want to be eloquent and profound, but the only words that keep going through my head are, "I'm done." I keep hearing them no matter what else I try to say. I guess that is the most profound shift. I'm done. I can't explain it more than that. It's not the blog that is done, it's not me that is done, but on so many other things, I am done. It's finished. Stick a fork in me! For a long time I have been about the 'me' part of this blog - about all of my questions - and this month I have had answers. I feel like a chick ready to hatch. I am done being small and worried and unsure. There is no more time for all of that. I'm ready to embrace the 'more' part. Starting right now.

"I am larger, better than I thought, I did not know I held so much goodness." - Walt Whitman

Girls Rock.

"Remember, you are not here to play it safe. You are here to start fires." - Sera Beak

Because these two gorgeous girls are in this world, and because my friend Karen has two girls and my friend Colleen has two girls and my friend Gerb has two girls, and because I take my job as fairy godmother to Helen very seriously, I wanted to share some good GIRL STUFF.

In the past few years I have been on a real journey towards being a girl. Yes, I said girl because I never really embraced girl before, and you really need to do that before you can make the leap to woman. I was very girlie when I was small, but then something happened (school and camp happened) and I thought that being independent was the same as being tough and full of attitude. There was no room in my life for pink and soft when there was so much beer drinking to do and attitude to give, and boys to torture with my stinging wit.

But in my old age I have come to realize that there is room for all of it. There is a place for gentle and nice and feminine and that doesn't have to be mutually exclusive of strong and fierce and independent. Being a girl means being complex and complicated and full of questions and fire and femininity. By coming to terms with those things and bringing them all together, we can step into our power as women.

And hopefully by doing that, we can show other girls the way.


Women showing the way:

1. Christine Kane. She is fierce and inspiring. This is her blog, and this is a fabulous song.

2. Patti Digh. She shows you how to live deliberately. This is her blog. Her book is amazing.

3. Sera Beak. She will make you think about the Universe. A lot.

4. Sahara. This is a beautiful idea!

5. Geneen Roth. If you have EVER gone on a diet or had a bad thought about your body, find Geneen. Her books are life changing, and she also has a blog!!

6. Sabrina Ward Harrison. Who showed a lot of us it could be different.

7. Goddess Leonie. She is incredible.

And good things that are happening in this world:

Rock Camp for Girls. (This site has music!) (Anybody want to go to Ladies Rock Camp with me?) I posted this ages ago, and sometimes I just go back to watch it again!

Karen Heck, Lyn Mikel Brown and Lynn Cole.

WriteGirl.

Women for Women International.

... have you got any women to recommend or links to send? I'd love to make this list grow and grow!!

Gluten Free ME.

"My body is incredibly strong and healthy." - Denise Linn

A strange thing happened the day before we were due to start Soul Coaching. I was called into the doctor to get the results of the blood test I had had taken a week before. The blood test had come back positive for Celiac Disease (Coeliac if you are in the UK!) But the doctor told me that was I was allowed to start eating differently until I had had another test. Inside of my head I was thinking that that was okay - I could eat all of the things I would never be able to eat again and then I would be ready for going gluten-free in December. But then I started to pay attention, and I started to read up on Coeliac Disease, and I started to read Soul Coaching, and now all I can think about is getting healthy.

I have always felt like I was capable of MORE (hence the title of my blog!) - of sparkling and being a real force in the world - but I hated - HATED - myself because I couldn't seem to do the things I wanted to do. I wanted to shine, but I spent nights exhausted on the couch watching television. I wanted to dance, but I made excuses in phys. ed. to let myself sit out. I just didn't feel good. I eat really well, I take supplements, I read every health article I can get my hands on, I try to exercise, but nothing ever made me feel healthy and energetic. I thought I was just lazy. And that hurts.

But for the past few weeks alongside Soul Coaching, I have been reading the book Gluten Free Girl by Shauna James Ahern and my neck is practically hurting from all of the nodding I have been doing - it's ME! It's ALL THERE - the hospitalization for unexplained stomach pains in high school, the exhaustion, the weight, the unexplained medical symptoms of digestive problems, abdominal pain, the foggy feeling, everything!

But now I have a huge problem waiting for the second test. I know what I need to do to get healthy. I know that when I stop eating gluten I will feel BETTER. I know that my body will heal and I will know what it is like to feel great. But I can't do it and it's incredibly frustrating. Today the heading for level two in Soul Coaching is "Change your body, change your life." (178) Well I can't. I desperately want to, but I can't - yet.

It's a strange feeling to know exactly what will help and how to do it, but to not be allowed to. But in some ways I think that this time has been a gift. I think that if I had been able to start right away I would have had a much bigger grieving process. I would have wanted pizza and hamburgers and bagels and muffins. But now I have had those things and have felt rotten. Now I am ready to feel good. And feeling good will be worth far more than a toasted bagel!

I'm sure of it.

Creativity

...close your eyes and ask yourself, "If my soul had something to tell me about today, what would it be?" - Denise Linn

Two and a half years ago, I had an inkling for a book. I had scattered thoughts and some scribbled notes, but I couldn't get started. The book that I had in mind was so unusual that I didn't think I had any right to write it. I also didn't know where to start. But my soul was telling me the story anyway, even though I pretended that I didn't know what it was saying. Eventually my soul got tired of whispering and began to shout.

For some reason the week I began the book, I had tried meditating. It was like I could feel that something was trying to come through. I sat in my room and got very quiet, not really knowing what I was doing, but concentrating on my breath. When I came out of the meditation, I had the entire first paragraph resting in my head. I knew where to start. I wrote it down breathlessly. But the hesitation was still there - who am I to write this book?

But every time I hesitated, I would get a sign. The main character came to me with an unusual name. I didn't want to use it, but that weekend I went to Bath (and met the Gorgon in the photo above - talk about a creative fire!) and had a glaring sign that that was the name I needed to use. I kept being drawn to do things I hadn't done for ages - writing morning pages, dancing, colouring, going for walks - and in those moments, the whole book came to me loud and clear. I just needed to get quiet and get into the flow that comes from being creative.

Today in Soul Coaching, Denise talks about creativity. She says: "When you are being truly creative, time stands still, and you enter into a dimension that can carry you beyond the ordinariness of life." (156) I know this to be true. I got a whole book out of it. And this week? This week of fire and energy and creativity? It gifted me with another book. I have another bubbling idea. My advice? Get INTO being creative. Dance or colour or write or meditate or bake or do whatever it is you do that makes you lose track of time, because it is there in that moment that magic happens.

Good Things

"Are you living your passion? are you following your dreams? If not, you have eight days to initiate powerful shifts in your life. Reinstate your intention - after all, miracles can happen in eight days." Soul Coaching by Denise Linn

Giggle. What a message. I have eight days to shift things in my life! That's both a joy to read and a bit of pressure!!

Today is all about love and kindness, and being quiet about it. So I am not going to write much except to give you some links of love!

1. Go here every day. Every click on every site it links to provides something for someone in need. It is all paid for by advertising.

2. They need our help very very badly.

3. So do they. Go here to read all about it!

In other good news and an attitude of gratitude, I opened my email this morning to discover I had won a beautiful photograph at Kerstin's blog. I am so excited! Her photographs are stunning! I bet you can guess which one I chose! Thank you so much Kerstin!

and in more goodness:

Nicole offered to do a reading from her Soul Coaching deck for those of us participating in the program. I leaped at the chance. I am a sucker for cards and readings! I had a tarot reading by Jamie a while back and it was great!

I had to tell Nicole my name and pick a number. This is the reading she sent me. I love it!!

FREEDOM

Card Meaning: Break free, express yourself, and let your spirit fly! Flaunt
your stuff, dance, laugh, explore, and go beyond predicable behaviour. Be
daring. Fling your arms to the heavens in joy.

Your Soul wants you to know: You aren't here to be ordinary, but to step
beyond limitations and self-imposed boundaries. Don't allow yourself to be
trapped by convention or the expectations of others. You have the ability
to choose your life on your terms. Replace the phrase "I should" with "I
could, but I choose not to at this time." Perhaps you aren't always free to
create the exact circumstances of your life - but you're certainly able to
decide what meaning to give those situations. Select meanings that empower
you, for this is the time to break free.

Affirmations: Boundless freedom surges through me.

This has so much power for me beyond the obvious as I deal with a major shift in my life. Boy there is a lot of energy around this morning! I hope I can keep up!

xoox

Fire

Unleash yourself upon the world! - Denise Linn

I lit a candle this morning in honour of Fire Week and promptly forgot about it. It sat in the corner of my desk while I read the chapter and wrote in my journal. At first the smell of grapefruit cleansed the air, but then I smelled something strange.

During my lack of attention, the heat of the candle had begun to singe one of the feathers that I have stuck into my jar of sea glass. They are far enough above the candle that I didn't think they would be a problem, but the heat singed it just the same.

You'll forgive me, I hope, for seeing the obvious metaphor in this morning. You can't light a fire and then not pay attention. It must be something that you tend and nurture let fill you without letting it singe your wings. Lots of times I have felt full of fire. I have felt jazzed up and ready and full of beans and energy. That is often when the crash is the hardest. Fire isn't always followed by enough action, or it can also be followed by too much action that can make you burn yourself out.

Today I am going to let the energy of fire fill and inspire me. Today I am going to dance (thanks Jamie) and work on telling my story, but I am going to remember that the Skydiggers sang that "There's nothing as hot as a slow burning fire," and try to remember that there is a whole week of fire to come!

This poem has always inspired me and although I have shared it before, I thought it was perfect for today. It always makes me want to be more.

When she walks into the room,
everybody turns:

some kind of light is coming from her head.
Even the geraniums look curious...
We're all attracted to the perfume
of fermenting joy,

we've all tried to start a fire,
and one day maybe it will blaze up on its own.
In the meantime, she is the one today among us
most able to bear the idea of her own beauty,
and when we see it, what we do is natural:
we take our burned hands
out of our pockets,
and clap.

-Tony Hoagland

(The picture of the candle is by someone else, found here.)

What is.

"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." - Eleanor Roosevelt

I am sitting in my office in England, thinking about the trip to the cottage that resulted in this picture. It is very early morning. I couldn't sleep, despite deep fatigue, so I got up and decided to get a little bit of work done. I can hear birds singing and sheep bleating, but other than that, it is very quiet.

I just wrote a whole post, and on the verge of hitting publish, I deleted it instead. It was another whiny, negative post that asked too many questions. I'm tired of making excuses and asking questions. I guess I got the message today after all:

"When you choose what is, your word becomes law in the universe." (117)

I have the acoustic version of Keisha White's "I Choose Life" in my head right now. If you can get hold of it, do listen, it's GOOD. In the meantime, here is the regular version. Put it on, turn it up, close your eyes and let it fill you up.

"It is an act of power to consciously choose your life. I do not mean to just choose parts of it (such as the parts you like or feel that you created), but to choose all of it - every bump, every dark night of the soul, every lie and falsehood, every fear... everything." - Denise Linn

Have a wonderful weekend.

P.S. I made art today!!! Inspired by this, and the tasks from yesterday I made art - but I can't get the scanner to work - you'll just have to trust me!

Change

"To change the world, you need to change yourself first." - Denise Linn

The first thing I have to say is: "Welcome to the world Anna! I promise to be the very best aunt I can be, and to love you unconditionally and completely." (Isn't she beautiful?! She was born on Monday night. Bliss.)

Now, back to the book:

I have been a little bit quiet over the past few days. I think that I have needed a bit of cover after several days of really digging deep. As much as I am getting from a month of Soul Coaching, I think I have also realized that intensive self-realization can be a bit too much after awhile. Sometimes I have to put in a movie and curl up with Mark.

Today was all about how you relate to the world. It's about understanding your patterns. Once again, Denise hit me right in the solar plexus. She talked about a client who had a pattern of protecting herself. The description - right down to the checking to make sure the door was locked three times - caused a click in my brain. I do that. I protect myself. And here I thought I was just uptight!

Looking back at my life, I can see absolutely no reason why I should be so afraid. I was raised with lots of love and support. Tonight, however, I watched a movie of one niece meeting the other one for the first time. Helen has also been raised with masses of love and support, but she was clearly uncomfortable in the hospital. She hates loud noises and strange places already at 2. So the question is: is it possible to grow up without fear or self-doubt? When do normal nerves and hesitancy turn into a life long pattern?

It made me think about where our patterns begin, and at what point we have to take control. I think that we can waste a lot of time worrying about why we are the way we are. I think that at some point we have to stop trying to blame teachers, parents, friends, husbands, wives, and even children for the way our lives have turned out. I think that at some point we need to see our patterns and our decisions as something that we have created - something we have control over - and do something about them.

Denise's questions today are about just that: letting go of old patterns. There is a quote I read once that went something like: "If you always do what you've always done, you'll always get what you've always got." I like that a lot. It puts responsibility and power right back where it matters, and where there is potential for real change.

"Today, be aware of the way that you relate to the world around you, and notice if there are any recurring emotional patterns." (99) I'm going to snuggle in now and see if I can't spot any other patterns in my life and begin to do what I can to gently let them go. I hope that you are able to do the same.

Good Things

Here are a few things that made me happy today:

1. This video that I found on Vivienne's blog. I loved it, and I completely fell in love with the song that it is set to. Po' Girl is amazing!




2. This Laini's Lady that is now for sale.

(Psst - it's my face!! Giggle!)

3. This new online course created by the remarkable Leonie.

4. This article at Wishstudio by Brandi.

5. This site is my new obsession. (Reason: I have almost been diagnosed with Celiac Disease. (Almost means that my blood tests are positive, but I have to go through another, more invasive test before they tell me officially.) I'm having some issues with it, most of which is a desire to begin living in a way that will make me FEEL BETTER, but having to wait. This blog has given me hope that I will not be left in a world of cardboard fake-bread.)

6. This post that made me take a deep breath.

7. This post - the first time a towel will make you salivate!

Have a wonderful weekend.

Ask a silly question...

"Today is also a day to watch for signs, synchronicities, and coincidences. In every moment, the universe is whispering to you." - Denise Linn

I have a confession to make. Last night I peeked ahead at today. I found out that today at Soul Coaching was about coming up with a mission statement. I have done this before, many times. In fact, I think I have a pretty good idea of what I am supposed to be doing with my life. I am lucky that I know, but that makes it worse that I don't always do it. Sometimes I think that angst is an addiction.

So last night after I brushed my teeth, I looked into the mirror and asked myself what I was doing here. I smiled and went to bed. This morning when I sat down and looked at today's challenges, I remembered asking myself that question and then I remembered one of my dreams. The dream was all about me trying to take a shower, so I picked up my dream book intending to look up 'shower.' As I sat down with the book in my hands, it immediately fell open to the entry for 'washing.' The first word out of my mouth was 'whoa.' I would never have looked up washing, as I assumed the dream was about a shower. (I LOVE it when the universe interferes!)

Well, once again, I got the same message I always get when I ask the universe for a message: get back to working on my book. 'Washing' suggests the cleansing of negative feelings such as despair or self-doubt. "Is it time to clean up your act or perhaps get started on a project you have been postponing?" Yes. Sigh. Thank you!

Later on I will be working on my mission statement, making some art, and catching up on your blogs, but right now I have to listen to the nudges of the universe. When you ask a question, your only job is to listen to the answer. I've been feeling bad about myself because I have this wonderful book I am not working on getting into the world. It's been muddying the waters around all of the other changes I am trying to make. I know I can change that. So that is what I am off to do -

What has been muddying your results? What have you been avoiding? Which page of the book would the Universe open for you?

Making Room for Magic

"When you shift the energy in your environment, it can have a mystical effect on your life." - Denise Linn

Jamie at Soul Coaching, said, "I am making room for magic!" And it gave me goosebumps. Big ones. I have been FULL of goosebumps over the past few days. I had goosebumps as I sat and watched from a different country as a nation and a world began to hope again. I got goosebumps as I watched an interview with a 107 year old man. He is one of only 4 remaining British survivors of World War One. I got goosebumps when I realized last night that I had not turned on the television numbly, but had curled up with a book instead. I got goosebumps when I re-read the comments from my last few posts and from the posts of some of the other participants on this journey. I got goosebumps when I signed in at work with my married name for the first time. I got goosebumps when I realized that as Air Week comes to a close, I can hear a near gale-force wind blowing outside of my flat. I just got goosebumps before I wrote this as I realized that I have been PAYING ATTENTION - and so have all of you! We have been paying attention to our lives in a way that is creating magic and miracles.

Today the journey is about lightening up - and I can feel it! I can feel a lightening in the air (maybe not in the gale force wind!) and in my surroundings. "With everything I release, more energy/ love/ abundance comes my way."

Today I am tackling my in boxes - all of them! Roar! What clutter are you tackling today?